You Shall Know Them By Their “Ears”.

It was only a matter of time before The boy-boobs David Cameron let slip the “man of the people” mask and revealed his true self, posh boy, Tory boy, Old Etonian. The Tory leader has been stomping around proclaiming his egalitarian and multiculturalist credentials in the shires but in a speech last week he exposed himself to criticism from the cultural minorities. And as a result he was accused of holding the faiths and cultures of minorities in contempt.
We have to be fair to The Boy-boobs Dave here though. After all he comes from a class that is genetically predisposed to hold everything in contempt. So as Boggart Blog is committed to true democracy let us explain how you can recognise Cameron’s class and thus avoid judging them too harshly.
You Shall Know Them By Their Ears.
To us down to earth folk ears are just the funny squiggly things on the side of the head but to Cameron’s class “ears” is a way of giving an affirmative answer while indicating that having to speak to the person one is answering arouses in one an emotion akin to the disgust and loathing felt at discovering dogshit on one’s shoe. e.g.:
“Mr Cameron, do you think the Conservatives will win the next election?”
“……Ears, of cworse we will.”
You see what I mean?
Another way to spot the upper crust is by the way they stick a “ph” in front of the “w” sound, as is “phwhat, phwhy, phwhere and phwhen”, e.g. “phwhy am Ay being arsked such stupid questions?”
You see phwhat I mean?
The other major tell is the “y” sound. The Upper Crust really have problems with this one, generations of inbreeding have caused their vocal cords to mutate causing lots of problems with vowels or “viles.” Thus they have to resort to replacing “y” with “argh”, “o” with “wah” and “u” with anything that comes to hand, e.g.:
“Ay reallargh, high awbsaylewteleargh spiffing.”
We should really differentiate between omicron (little o) and omega (big O) though. Big O, like I can be pronounced as “ay” while little o is usually left unmolested. If you were to say to an upper-crustie “we were just about to have some toast, whould you care to join us?” they might reply, “Ay reallyargh, tayste, phwhat an awbsaylewtelargh splendid ideargh. Ears, Ay’d lahve tay jayne yew.”
You se what I mean?
Composite vowels or viles do not escape ritual mangling either, the upper crust are as enthusiastic about murdering vowels as murdering small furry animals. We have all seen Boy boobs Cameron “wriding his bwaysaykwel arind Lawndon, trizers tucked in his swarcks as he makes his way to the Hice of Cwommons.
By now I’m sure some people are bristling with iterage as they grumble “whom does this northern oik think he is, mwocking his betters in such a wude manner simpleargh becwause they knay hay tay speak properlargh.
But posh people do not speak properly, their is an accent just as Cockney, West Country, Brummie and Geordie. Worse, it is an affected accent, having not evolved from Middle English but been developed by sycophantic courtiers in the time of King George II who could hardly speak the language of the nation he ruled. Sycophantic courtiers could hardly be seen to correct their King by pronouncing his mangled vowels correctly so they began to imitate him.
Reallargh, that is phwhat they did.
Alert minds amongst you will have noticed that above I misused “whom.” This was a lead in to a lower stratum of irritatingly posh people, those who say “whom “ when they mean “who” and I or “Ay” when they mean “me.” They also use an aspirated a, “ah” when a short “a” is called for. Thus they think their middle clahss status is demonstrated. These are classic (not clahssic) mistakes.
Those are the “would like to be posh but are a bit insecure about their status” stratum of society. We shall look at their speech patterns another time.
We have come a long way from Cameron’s ears, but the message should be clear. Do not be fooled by the contempt of the posh and wannabee posh. It is they who are to be pitied, not us.

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