The National Mottery

The Government’s latest big idea to instil in us a sense of Britishness, reinforce the national identity and turn us all into unthinking automatons who wave flags and sing anthems to order is to give us a national motto. This would be emblazoned over the portal of every public building and printed on every official document. But what phrase would serve to remind us of our patriotic duty to fill in tax returns on time, uncomplainingly pay ten million pounds each to obtain an ID card that informs the authorities of our whereabouts at any moment and entitles us to have information gathering probes pushed up our arses if we are observed doing anything suspicious like breathing.
What could the national motto be? Mine’s a pint? Want salt and vinegar on ‘em? Do you have a loyalty card? It will certainly be nothing to do with politics.

Other nations fare little better, their mottoes might sound cool in foreign languages but are crap when translated. America used to have E Pluribus Unum which was dropped in the 1950s as it means “no mixed race buses.” The motto was replaced with “In God We Trust,” which suggests that as a nation they are gullible enough to buy bottles of stuff that cures all known ailments, removes red wine stains and gets stones out of horses hooves.
France goes for “Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite,” a motto so crap the are too embarrassed to complete it. The final three words, “ou la mort.” (or death) are an open invitation for any foreign tyrants to say “OK then, death,” and nuke France to oblivion.
Greece follows France in tempting fate and goes for Freedom or Death, while most popular around the world, mostly favoured by disunited nations is “Unity is strength.”

Here in Britain, traditionally riven by property price differentials, the North / South divide, class, religious differences and increasingly partisan political ideology, the various groups have managed to rub along for over a thousand years without a motto. Unless of course it is the challenge we usually issue to those who threaten us “Come and have a go if you think you’re good.”

There have been many suggestions posted on the Government’s message boards, but all fail to inspire.

We suggest the motto should be decided by lottery, a National Mottery in fact. Everybody has to write down their suggestion along the lines of those great British mottos “No milk today; ‘ere we go ‘ere we go ‘ere we go; did you remember to feed the cat? Newton was wrong, the earth sucks; Johnny Johnny Johnny Wil – kin – son; sixteen pints of lager and a poppadom; did you get that from Primark? McLaren out! You’re ‘avin a larf aincha? Up yours. Delors;” and so on. The British are not motto people so much as blotto people.

Boggart Blog’s suggestion? “Never Let The Bastards Grind You Down.”

11 thoughts on “The National Mottery

    • Keep on like that my lad and you will qualify as a panellist on the “Talking Bollocks” feature in the Greenteeth Labyrinth (nepotism is the only way to succeed in Greenteeth Multi Media.)

      The rules of Talking Bollocks are you are given a subjects and have to talk bollocks about it for two minutes. You must speak with utter conviction even though you know you are talking bollocks and you must respond to the other panellists bollocks as if it makes absolute sense.

      Talking bollocks is a valuable skill as it can qualify one to place a plank on the floor, talk bollocks about what it symbolises and become a contender for the Turner prize.

      Now don’t let your parents get too hyper watching the F1 tonight and if the should, do not make them do cold turkey watching Coronation Street, bring them down gently by talking bollocks about modern art.


  1. In this day and age “I know my rights” trips off the tongue.

    The F1 was quite interesting, Hamilton having been officially nobbled it was obvious Raikonnen was going to win and Ferrari showed incredible skill in neatly orchestrating the change of leadership between Massa and Kimi without it being too obvious to the uninitiated what they were up to. Well at least they seemed to fool the commentators.
    I was intrigued by a new angle to the sport which seemed to focus on who could knock over the most mechanics during the pit stop. F1 skittles I think.


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