A Plague Of Feet

There are some funny things going on in the world, unseasonal rainfall and catastrophic flooding in the American mid-west, drought in California, hoards of ravenous slugs eating our gardens in suburban Britain, strange, unpleasant smells smells hanging over Belgium (trust us: you will not love the smell of Belgium in the morning) locusts in Africa, exploding toads in Hamburg, plagues that are almost biblical in fact.
And on the coast of Canadian province, British Columbia, close to Vancouver they are afflicted by a plague of feet. Legless, bodyless human feet that is. In recent months five severed feet have been found washed up on the beaches of the province.

Now Oscar Wilde might have dismissed this by saying: “To lose one foot is unfortunate, to lose five is physically impossible. So in the absence of any evidence to suggest that a foot fetishist serial killer may be on the rampage, what could be going on?

The usual suspects in cases like this are gangland ritual executions (Luca Brazi sleeps with the socks) discarded pet crocodiles that have grown to maturity in the sewers, spontaneous human combustion and flesh eating bacteria created by a mad scientist played by John Malkovitch. Such things are possible in fiction but don’t stand up in reality.

One blogger has suggested the culprits are mud crabs imitating human behaviour by discarding the feet just as we discard feet when eating crab and lobster. Interesting idea but not very likely. Other suggestions from the blogosphere are just too silly to report.

Up to now the Vancouver office of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are baffled by this marine mystery. We are completely out of our depth, said a spokesman. A mountie might always get his man but has more difficulty apprehending his manatee it seems. At the time of writing there is no solution in sight for The Strange Case Of The Severed Feet (cue portentous chords.) which means it will surely go down in the annals of crime. Keep checking this blog for more news, we have a feeling the story of the freed feet has a long way to run yet.

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12 thoughts on “A Plague Of Feet

  1. … the story of the freed feet has along way to run yet.

    Well they were all wearing training shoes.

    Interestingly the first four feet to be found were right feet, the fifth was a left foot. Must have been feeling left out.


  2. Police are interviewing an expert in medieval measurements after he tipped them off that should another 9 feet turn up making 16 in all the victim would probably be a Pole.


  3. Mysteriouser and Mysteriouser, its now been revealed that all the feet are size 12. Could it be something to do with the Saskwatch (Bigfoot) which is know to operate in the area.

    How about this: past reports suggest felame bigfoorts have been know to try and mate with human males. Perhaps these amputations are the work of s lady Saskwatch on heat expressing her frustraion on finding that what she’s heard about men with big feet is just a rumour.


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