Celebrity Goss Bloggers Go Crazy As Jesus Boffs Madonna.

Report from celebrity gossip correspondent Totty Farquhar Parkinson.

The world of celebrity gossip is agog today as Madge, recently separated from her hubby, parades he new beau for the Paparazzi. The Queen Of Wrinkly Rock, Madonna (97) is boffing a new man, the exotically named Jesus Luz (13¾).

Leaving the legal implications of sexual congress between Madonna and child, the whole of the Boggart Blog news team is gobsmacked, not so much that a man so young wants to make “the beast with two backs” with a woman older than his Grandma but that he is brave enough to face his mates down the pub smelling faintly not of anchovies but KY Jelly.

Nobody would dream of suggesting Madonna’s estimated fortune of $300 million has anything to do with it of course, nor would we even consider the idea that the guaranteed publicity might have been a lure for a young male model like Jesus. But lest we forget the former Mr. Madonna , Guy Ritchie (42 – movies since he had a hit) described sleeping with the formaldehyde-preserved Madge as “like snuggling up to a plank of wood.” Guy did not specify whether he was referring to Madonna’s hard, high toned muscles or the level of enthusiasm she showed for lovemaking. We await the verdict of Senor Luz on the continued sexiness of the Countess of Carnality.

There are double standards at work here of course. Nobody raised an eyebrow when former Roxy Music stuntman Bryan Ferry (163) was seen walking out with a 27 year old last year although there were some rumblings of outrage when uberwrinkly Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood (61 – grammes of coke) dumped his wife for a childlike blonde Russian teenager. People suspected Wood had bought his new girlfriend on e-bay but as soon as that was cleared up the fuss died down.

One of the jokes that did the rounds at the time went: What has Ronnie Wood in common with a racing greyhound? They both get in the trap before the hare comes.

Having said all that, Madonna and child are quite close in age compared to Joan Collins (980 – lovers) and her partner Percy Gibson (12 IQ) who have 32 years between them.

The big advantage for Madonna in the Jesus being so much younger is that she does not have to wait long for a second coming.

Kiss and SellA girl has to earn her living somehow.

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