Ronald McDonald To Teach Australians Maths

The crisis in the maths class seems to grow ever worse. The latest news from the blackboard jungle down under shows that so great is the dearth of maths teachers in schools and the complete indifference of the pupils to the endlessly fascinating mysteries of pi or the occultism of quadratic equations, Ronald McDonald has been recruited by the government to teach basic maths online.

Leaving aside for a moment the rather inconvenient fact that children over five unanimously hate Ronald McDonald more than they hate maths teachers, because to the sophisticated modern child reared on Little Britain or The League of Gentlemen, clowns are sad, pathetic and totally unfunny while to the sensitive, unsophisticated child clowns are scarey.

Let’s face it, clowns are so a million years ago. In the catalogue of modern humour clowns rank somewhere between sticking a whoopee cushion on your granny’s chair and putting on a red nose to climb into a bath of baked beans for comic relief. Not effing funny OK. Meanwhile on the scale of frightening, Ronald McDonald is ahead of Jenny Greenteeth, The Bogey Man, The Wardrobe Monster and Iggy The Barebum Firebobby, right up alongside Jonathan King and Gary Glitter in fact. And that is very very frightening.

The Australian government have not thought this through of course, a spokesperson for the Australian Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks said; “Our main concern was that McMaths would be used to influence consumer choices but McDonald’s have assured us the programmes will be free of free of corporate interests.

Oh well that’s alright then, I mean it’s not as if Ronald’s clown suit is festooned with the corporate logo or that the character is a universally recognised symbol of the brand is it?

A different spokesperson, on behalf of the parliamentary opposition took up this point saying; “ Strewth, that bludger Ronnie Mac. should stick to cooking burgers and the Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks should stick to educating kids. before we know where we are that drongo Jamie Oliver will be selling tucker for a supermarket.”

So will McMaths help children do better in class or will it just encourage them to eat more burgers. You can decide after reviewing this sample maths problem.

Four Okker Larrikins, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce pool their money, buy a bacon McMuffin each and decide to spend the rest on tinnies. They find they have enough money to buy twelve tinnies and decide to go to Bruce’s house to drink them.

As Bruce’s house they put on a DVD of the 2005 England versus Australia Cricket Test and sit down to watch, hoping this time Kevin Pietersen will be out for naught and Australia will win. Before the action gets started Bruce decides he needs a dump. While he is gone Bruce, Bruce and Bruce drink all the tinnies:

a) how many tinnies will be left for Bruce to drink when he gets back from the Dunny?
b) the question shows that Okker Larrikins do not give a XXXX for anybody but themselves. Calculate the value of XXXX ?
c) While Bruce was in the dunny he was bitten by a redback spider. The venom which turns human blood to jelly normally kills an adult male in thirty minutes. As Bruce is dehydrated because he has not drunk any tinnies how much more quickly will he die?

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MacDonald’s have been working with the Labour government who will always suck up to big money interests on a scheme to have the fast food chain’s internal training program recognised as an official vocational qualification. Somehow we can’t see a diploma in Macology: The Science Of Burger Flipping opening all that many carreer doors.

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