One of the highlights of silly season at Boggart Blog is a story from our international piracy expert Blaack Jaack Baastard. Over to the Boggart Blog Beaking News Desk
With news breaking every few minutes on the story of the Russian freighter Arctic Sea which disappeared as it steamed through the Baltic en route for Algeria and turned up a few days later 4000 mmiles away off Cape Verde, we go straight over to Bogart Blogs Piracy correspondent Blaack Jaack Baastard on the deck of his pirate galleon The Putrid Prawn for an update on the story.
Avast blogmates, heave to or Ill splice your mainbraces. This be Blaack Jaack Baastard the most ruthless, black hearted cut-throat ever to sail the Basingstoke Canal reporting from Cape Verde exclusively for Boggart Blog. Ha haarrrr! You laandlubbers is wanting to know about the hijacked ship I reckons. Well me and my crew o scabrous, scurvied scumsuckers is on an information gathering exercise for MI6 so wem right on the spot.
Now us Pirates are not known for understatement, laarger than life characters we be, what talks very loud in ridiclious accents and tells tall tales about our adventures on the Spanish Main, ooh arrrr. I says all this because even the most hyperbolic of scum sucking swabs could not embellish the faacts of the Artic Sea hijack.
Theres some as tried to blame Pirates for the ships lost days, but pustulatin porpoises mates, that Russian rustbucket was loaded with timber. To accuse Pirates, that is a gross calumny. A cargo of matchsticks and cocktail sticks? We Pirates has our staandards so we do. We likes to steal cargoes of diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, topazes and cinnamon and gold moidores from stately Spanish galleons, not matchsticks and orange boxes from Russian freighters. Theres poetry in Piracy, how many of you laandlubbin swabs spotted Blaack Jaaacks poetic reference there eh? Ha harrr, Blaack Jaack Baastard be a heducated maan.
Now you wants to know about the mystery of the Arctic Sea. Where did the ship go when it disappeared off the radar, how come the coastguard never spotted it butting through the channel. Now forget those calumnious falsehoods you read in the papers or heerd on television. That rotten Russian hulk was no Quinquereme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, they didnt carry no ivory and apes and peacocks, nothing for a thief. Not even components for Iraans nucular weapons program as some reports has suggested. Haa haaaar but they had something somebody wanted shipmate, some haddock humper had a use for the bilge ballast that was on board.
Now ask yourself, how could an old crate like that get 4000 miles in that time? The aanswer, mates, will make your hair pop out and your eyes stand on end. The good ship Arctic Sea was habducted by haliens mates, ha haar! Oh yes, youre all sceptical now, you lily livered lubbers. I tell ee me heartyies, theres things happen at sea far stranger, things as would curdle you bile and turn your blood to custard.
I talked to one of they Russian lads, he tol me the ship was lifted clean out of the water by the tractor beam of an intergalactic starcruiser what is overin even now, screened from radar by energy shields. Arr mates, that ship was lifted into the great hold of the halien spacecraaft and the crew was hexperimented on. Ha haar mates, cruel, inooman hexperiments them haliens done on the sailors and they even forced em to drink a consignment o Leningrad Cowboys vodka what was in the ships hold.
And why did they do this you might well ask. Ill tell ee. Them sardine shaggers is space privateers and they was working for the Intergalactic Emperor. He wants to create a hybrid race with alien superintelligence but ooman physiology so as they can live of earth and subjugate it for th intergalactic empire. So he says to the Privateer Capn, Get down there to earth mate and gather me some samples of ooman semen.
Ha haar shipmates. You remember now, International talk like a Pirate Day of 2009 be just a few weeks away.