The Strictly General X Factor Celebrity Election

In the previous post Ian wonders how much lower reality television can sink, likening it to the Roman circus, with the public lapping up the ritual humiliation invoked by progs such as I’m a desperate-attention-seeking-has-been-who’s-bit-hard-up-for-cash-and-daytime-chat-show-offers, LOOK AT ME!!!!!

But Ian doesn’t quite realise how bad things have become.

Concerned by the falling turn out at the polls and voter apathy, Gordon Brown secretly commisioned a Quango to come up with new ideas to reform the voting system, based on the success of reality TV shows where the viewer gets to decide who stays, who goes and who gets to eat the genitals of cuddly Australian marsupials. (I wonder how many of teenagers would understand that last sentence)

Today Boggartblog can reveal the d(r)aft proposals.

The election will be staged over 13 weeks, when anyone can put themselves forward to be a candidate. In the initial stages the four judges, led by Gordon Brown and including David Cameron, Nick Clegg and an independent will have the chance to yea or nay the wannabees and select candidates for their parties.
This process will be televised nightly between 7pm and 9pm, depending on the scheduling of the more popular soaps, Corrie and Eastenders.
Wannabees will have the opportunity to make a speech, put forward a policy, demonstrate their ability to avoid answering a question, juggle a career in parliament and raising a family, walk a tightrope, resist taking the blame for anything and come up with a foolproof way of ensuring MPs keep the full monetary value of their salaries plus the now discredited allowances without antagonising public opinion.

At the bootcamp stage the candidates will have the opportunity to hone their poitical talents under the guidance of their mentors, the party leaders.
At this point the programmes will be screened weekly on Saturday evening, which means that the general election will have to be scheduled not to coincide with Britain’s Got Talent, The X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing On Ice.

The election itself will take place over a period of 635 days, when each constituency will have its own one hour show, with the candidates showing off to the public the skills they have been preparing in the previous weeks.
Each candidate will have the opportunity to perform for 10 minutes and then will take questions, criticism or praise from the judges. At the end of the show the public will be allowed to vote for their favourite candidate. Lines will be open for three hours and calls will cost just 50p/minute. Average call time will be 1 minute. Voters will also be able to vote by text or e-mail, where further charges may apply.
But best of all instead of being limited to one man, one vote, the public will be able to vote as many times as they wish on as many occasions as they wish, so no matter where you live you not only get to vote for your own representative but everybody else’s as well.
This move has been introduced to counteract the tendency of eligible voters not to bother, and it is hoped that this new exciting innovation will give poll turnouts of 110%

The programme will return live on air later the same evening when the votes have all been counted and the results are due to be announced.

Defeated candidates will walk the walk of shame, passing through the whipped up voters and suffering their jeers and abuse.

Anyone who loses their deposit will have to perform a forfeit or bushtucker trial, snogging Ann Widdecomb or Harriet Harman for instance.

The victorious candidate will be whisked off by helicopter, paid for by the public, to take his seat in Parliament, where the cameras will be rolling to record the emotions and comments as they wait for the rest of the results to come in.

Finally the winning party will send its leader before the Queen or maybe Alan Carr, who will either ask him to form a government or demand that the whole thing is done all over again.

OOOH just think of those juicy advertising revenues!

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17 thoughts on “The Strictly General X Factor Celebrity Election

    • Sorry, how many have I got? Had an appointment at two so didn’t have time to proof read for typos before I posted. Got to go out again now so give us a hand here and I’ll sort it out tomorrow

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      • Just search and replace every “it’s” with “its” and it will stop making me shudder….

        There are only two. I shouldn’t be so sensitive, in this wonderful new age, when children are taught that spelling doesn’t matter, but I’d rather eat marsupial genitalia than see another green-grocerism.

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      • Ok, Job done.
        But you also missed two ‘wills with only one l, screened with a missing e and Saturday with a lower case s.
        And isn’t the greengrocer’s apostrophe the one where you turn a plural into a posessive?
        Or should that be greengrocers’ as the habit is employed by many greengrocers?

        Would you like a dash more pedantry with that?

        Oh and in this wonderful age even when you have pointed out children’s spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors and asked them to copy out the work for best you still get all the same errors back again, one kid even wrote the offending faux pas in green, the colour I had noted them in.
        He thought it was what I wanted him to do!

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      • Oh dear, it looks as if I may have infected you with the pedantry I suffer from. (I know; “…from which I suffer”. But Fowler said fifty years or more ago, that was a silly rule.)

        Well done for spotting the things I missed!

        The lad copying your green corrections is wondrous; at least he wanted to please, and did what seemed best. If he wasn’t too huge and ugly, I hope you hugged him. Oh, hang on, we can’t do that sort of thing any more…

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