The Iraq Inquiry Cab Driver Of Mass Destruction

While we have all been focused on really big events of global importance this week, the Tiger-Woods- inability-to-keep-it-in-his-trousergate scandal for example, the Chilcot Inquiry into who told what lies to whom in the run up to the Iraq invasion has been quietly bobbing along virtually unreported. One of the reasons I shall by this time next week be an ex Guardian reader is the totally biased coverage of this event. Nobody did anything wrong, you might think the Daily Mail and the Conservatives conspired with the Israelis to hide the evidence of Blair’s WMD with the sole aim of discrediting Tony Blair if you relied on Guardian coverage..

The newspaper did however acknowledge that our main intelligence source for information on Saddam’s readiness for war was a Baghdad Cab Driver.

Fortunately for you Boggart Blog readers your news source of choice has been somewhat more diligent in our investigative reporting. Never afraid to breach the Official Secrets Act, the treason law, the standards of journalistic integrity, factual accuracy and common sense in our unending effort to uncover the truth behind the truth Boggart Blog has managed to obtain a transcript of the first meeting between a British intelligence operative and the government’s main source of information on Weapons Of Mass Destruction as covertly recorded by agent 00 Hornby

Cabman:
Greetings Effendi. you will be wanting a ride to the British Embassy, yes?

Hornby:
Mind your own fucking business.

Cabman:
A thousand pardons esteemed passenger Hornby but I thought that because your MI6 security passs is still clipped to your jacket you are an agent of British Military Intelligence who is not working under cover.

Hornby:
Shut up. Talk like that can get you killed.

Cabman:
With respect Effendi but not as quickly as forgetting to remove one’s MI6 security pass in Baghdad. It is customary however, even in our humble, backward nation for people who get into a taxi to wish to be driven to a destination.

Hornby:
Take me to the Street Of A Thousand Red Lanterns, by the sign of the Seventy Third Virgin.

Cabman:
Ah, you do want The British Embassy, but the rear entrance. Why did you not just say so?

Hornby:
Fast as you can. And no chat, careless talk costs lives.

Cabman:
I am afraid my silence is not possible honoured passenger. The Baghdad City Authority is a signatory of the United Nations global concord on tourism and thus Baghdad cab drivers are required by international law to be bigoted garrulous bores. It is an important part of the tourist industry. Cab drivers are usually the only real locals tourists have contact with you see. Thus cab drivers everywhere must be the same in order to convince travellers there is a single global culture. Should I fail in my duty I will face a heavy fine and my wife and children will be driven into poverty. I must beg your indulgence sir. I will not mention your MI6 badge again

Hornby:
Oh alright then. Haven’t we been down this street once?

Cabman:
It is the new one – way system Sayid. hey, you will never guess who I had in my cab only yesterday. It was that propaganda ministry geezer, Comical Ali and he was with Qsay Hussein, the slightly less psychopathic son of Saddam.

Hornby: (attentively)
Really? That must have been interesting.

Cabman:
I shall dine out on it for months as you say in your illustrious nation effendi. But I am sure you will find what they spoke of most fascinating. They were talking of your esteemed Prime Minister Tony Blair, peace be upon him and his houses and his domestic appliances and his sons and daughters and his wife and his wife’s astrologer and upon his friends and Parliamentary colleagues. Qsay and Comical Ali were discussing Sidi Blair’s efforts to trace Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and what our beloved leader Saddam, the father of the nation will do if The British and Americans invade our country and …

Hornby:
Just cut the crap, what did they say about Saddam’s defences?

Cabman:
Please, honoured guest in my can and my country, I am only repeating what I have heard. Do not be shooting the piano playing messenger. I am only trying to make a living

Hornby:
What did they say?

Cabman:
Information Minister Ali said if the allies invade they will receive a very big shock because Saddam will unleash one of his Weapons Of Mass Destruction within forty five minutes. And Saddam’s son Qsay replied; Forty Five minutes, I’m sure he will launch one they moment they cross the border. And they laughed, tossing their head back like belly dancers, they laughed great belly laughs.

Hornby:
We are here. We are stopped outside a building that is not the British Embassy do you understand. I was never in your can and you have never spoken to me.

Cabman:
But…

Hornby:
If we need to talk to you again we will find you. Comprennayvoo? Do you understand me?

Cabman:
But…

Hornby:
Here’s a hundred dollars, now fuck off. Do not be seen outside this building again or you will be shot.

Cabman:
Yes effendi, but…

The man from MI6 leaped out of the cab, slammed the door and ran into the building. As he went the cab driver called out after him:

But Sidi Hornby, all over Baghdad when people talk of Saddam’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction they are referring to the really smelly farts the beloved leaders frequently emits.

Don’t forget we are blogging the lastest from the Copenhagen Climate Summit as it doesn’y happen at our Daily Stirrer Climate Change page

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12 thoughts on “The Iraq Inquiry Cab Driver Of Mass Destruction

  1. Sir,
    I can attest a very true detail of your report – from a scientific point of view. It is a very known, and proved fact among linguists that “Comprennayvoo” is a francophon-ised slang expression used solely by British MI6 agents in Baghdad.

    Like

  2. on a second thought: this report would make a great Monty Python sketch (provided you’ll introduce a Linguist in the plot tough, that gives expert advice to John Cleese on francophon-ised slang…) :>

    Like

    • Thanks. We have some classics among the older stuff. I assembled them in a book but nover promoted it as Print On Demand publishing is very costly to the buyer.

      We will be doing something with audio next year however, once I have reclaimed my studion (my daughter still insists its her bedroom though she has not lived with us for ten years.

      Like

  3. Sir,
    I may have to institute damages against you for hurting my belly.My wife was irritated by my stupid tittering and asked me to cup my hand over my mouth. This I did with painful consequences.
    By the way ‘Effendi’ is not a modern word–it stems from World War Two. A modern day cabbie in the Middle East would probably call you Master or Beshe; if he is sure you are not familiar with arabic, he will wish you God speed and may your mattress smell of urine and may you never enter the house of the seven virgins!

    One of your best Mr Thorpe.

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