Ding Dong Din, Pussy’s In The Bin

A shocking story in the news today regarding a grey-haired, plumpish, middle-aged woman going to stroke a cat and then casually tossing it into a wheelie bin and walking calmly off up the street.

The shocking part about this, of course , is the perpetrator. Who would expect a grey-haired, plumpish, middle aged woman to gratuitously attack a cat?

The cat certainly didn’t.

We sent Hamish Ratcatcher down to hear Lola’s side of the story.

HR; Good afternooon Lola. How are you recovering from your ordeal?

Lola: Oh it was terrible Hamish. I was shut up in that bin. I didn’t know if the bin men would be round. I had visions of being tipped into the back of the bin wagon and then crushed to death.
My little heart was beating twenty to the dozen, I can tell you.
I was calling out for help, but nobody heard me, and if they did they didn’t realise I was in the bin.
It was so dark and it was quite smelly.
Then I was needing a pee and a poo. Oh that was really awful. I had to go eventually, but then I was standing in the mess and everything. You just can’t imagine.

HR: Indeed not. Now can you tell us how it all happened?

Lola: Well I was just sunning myself on the wall, like I always do. This woman comes walking along and she looks at me, but not funny or anything, just a bit friendly. So I stood up and arched my back, saying hello, you know? She seemed quite nice and she said “Hello Puss” and she started stroking the fur on the back of my neck. It was all just nice and friendly you know.

I never expected what came next.

If it had been a gang of kids or a young man in a hoodie, I would have just jumped down on the other side of the wall like you do. Keep yourself out of trouble. I always listened when Mum told us kittens about Little Tommy Finn and what he did to that poor cat, putting her down the well. Who knows what would have happened if that nice Tommy Stout hadn’t come along and pulled her out?
But you know, my Mum said look out for yourself, don’t put yourself in danger, was calling it out over her shoulder as she was crossing the road that day…, but that’s another story.
Anyway, like I said, this lady seems friendly and she looks the type that should you start going visiting she’ll soon be putting out a saucer of milk and some titbits.
The next thing I know, she’s got me by the scruff of the neck. “Oh no”, I’m thinking, “she’s going to cat-nap me. She’ll be stuffing me up her cardie and taking me home to live with at least 24 other cats in a rancid semi that smells rather…er catty”.
But no, she calmly lifts up the lid on the wheelie bin, drops me in and puts the lid down tight.

I was in there for hours. I could hear my owners calling for me, but they couldn’t hear me.
I honestly thought I would die in there.
I was so relieved when the lid was lifted up and I saw Samantha, my owner, looking down at me.
I tried to tell them what had happened, but it is difficult when they insist on speaking Human and you can only speak cat.

“What happened to you?” she said. “How did you get in there? Did you manage to get the lid up by yourself and then you couldn’t get out? Oh you silly puss, we were so worried!”

And all the time I’m yowling away trying to tell them about this batty old bird that tricked me and dumped me.

Finally I remembered the CCTV cameras they have to keep an eye on the car. I managed to get Darren to have a look at it and he saw exactly what happened, so now they’ve put it up on YouTube and it’s been in the papers and on the news, so everyone will know there is a cat-hating, psychopathic, old bag on the loose.
I shouldn’t be surprised if she can’t get out of her house tommorrow, her garden will be full of poo and her flower borders’ll be scratched up and she won’t have had a wink of sleep what with the Toms caterwauling on the shed roof and everything.

And then the RSPCA will be coming round.

Hopefully when they catch her they’ll put her in a wheelie bin on a warm night, with no food or drink and no way out for at least 15 hours.

HR: Well thank you for your story, Lola.

Police have warned all felines in the area to be on their guard and not to approach any humans they don’t know, especially if they look like innocuous middle-aged ladies.

3 thoughts on “Ding Dong Din, Pussy’s In The Bin

  1. Don’t know who she was but to animal loving Brits she committed a ‘lynchable’ crime. I hear she now needs police protection –I’m not surprised. My sources tell me that the AQSPCA (Al Quaeda branch), are looking for her. (Not to be confused with the AQCGS–Al Quaeda Cat Gourmet Society).

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