Face It: Eating Shite Makes You Fat And Ill

There has been a lot of talk this week about how fat we (as a nation) are getting. The ambulance service say they are having to order vans with wider doos, reinforced beds and lifting gear (same as the kit on bin wagons we hope) to cope with the number of hugely huge gutbuckets (not a lot of sympathy here) who are getting sick.

Prisons say they are finding obese prisoners senteced to jail for stealing junk food are too big to fit into standard cells.

Bus companies are running at a loss because passengers demand a double seat for a single fare.

And riding schools are complaining that once they used to get young professionals who would take the mobile phone and filofax along to their riding lessons because they were trying to ride two horses with one arse but now two horses aren’t enough to support one arse.

We’re getting bigger.

Nudger Cameron has been asking his Big Society (no pun intended) (OK, I’m lying) why this is.

Boggart Blog can tell him without need for an expensives social survey. We are eating too much shite made from chemicals.

For the first time last night I saw an ad for a new food product that promises a quick, no fuss bacon and egg sarnie. Only it’s not is it? It might be no fuss but it’s also no bacon and no egg. Instead you get chemicals.

What you buy is slices of bread impregnated with bacon flavoured chemicals and egg flavoured chemicals. You take it out of the expensive and ecologiclly hostile packaging and pop it in the toaster. Two minutes later you have a bacon and egg flavoured slice of toasted chemicals.

What’s the betting it tastes as much like a bacon and egg sandwich as BBQ beef flavoured crisps taste like a char grilled filet steak. But you eat it because it does say on the packaging it’s tasty.

And the chemicals are addictive. So you eat another. And another. And some fish and chip flavoured crisps. And some jam roly poly with custard flavoured instant dessert.

And the chemicals are not only addictive, they are toxic and make you retain water. So you become a bloater. But still you want to eat more chemcals becauce they promise they will taste so good you forget about the metallic, monosodiumglutimaey aftertase that lingers for days.

And before you know it you are being carted off in a supersize ambulance to the “Too Fat To Wipe” ward at the local hospital where you are admitted through the goods entrance on a fork lift truck.

When I read articles in a certain type of newspaper predicting the end of civilisation as we know it I take them with a pinch of salt (natural sea salt of course) But I wonder if I should read them more seriously. If our humanity has been so degraded by the advertising industry we would rather eat chemicals than take the trouble to knock up a delicious bacon and egg sarnie we are well and truly fucked.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

10 thoughts on “Face It: Eating Shite Makes You Fat And Ill

  1. Nice one, Ian. I’ve just had a (real) bacon and mushroom omelette on toast. There’s nothing that can beat proper food.
    However, despite as you rightly say, that so much food is full of addictive chemicals, it should be mentioned that in a society where everything in such infinite and plentiful varieties are on offer, some people are just gluttons and fill their increasingly large bellies to capacity simply because they can.
    “Greed is Good?” Yeah, right.


    • “Greed is good,” – Gordon Gekko.
      Well we all know what a Gekko is.

      I’ve said for a long time all we need to is regulate the advertising industry until we can educate the majority of people to think for themselves.


  2. Not possible for everyone, but I’ve found that eat less/move more tends to keep obesity at bay.

    Chemicals definitely make you eat more. Pringles. I rest my case.


    • Doritos – which my litle sis fatsally once blogged here smell of beerfarts. Now what are they putting in those. But once you stat eating them you can’t stop.

      You’re right about eat less, move more. Despite being semi – paralyzed on my left side I do chair workouts and have managed to keep my weight under control.

      Exercice for most people does not need to involve expensive gyms, squash cluns etc. Half an hour’s walking at a good pace every day would make a big difference.


    • That comment deserves a place in a book on existentialism.
      Although there is perhaps a connection between the two. If we shed money in order to buy junk food, weight gain will result.


  3. Seen the new Walker’s ad? Four comedians (or 3 plus Stephen Fry ),promoting new flavours in a competition. One that comes to mind is steak and ale pie. Yegh! Chemicals and spice to give a steak and ale flavour? Give me a real pub pie any day.


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