Council ‘put child, 5, into care for being obese’

A schoolchild aged five has become one of the youngest children in Britain to be taken into care for obesity reasons, it has emerged.

The child, little Rollo Lardarse who cannot be named for legal reasons, is believed to be a cousin of Cherryade Lardarse on whom Boggart Blog has previously reported. Young Rollo, whose anonymity we are will go to to great lengths to protect, reportedly had a body mass index of 22.6, which is considered clinically obese for one so young.

The boy’s father, Mr. Scoffit Lasrdarse, told our reporter, “It’s outrageous. The boy just has a healthy appetite. Loves his pizza and Mars Bar milk shakes he does.

Scoffit’s wife Mrs. Gutbucket lardarse added “Our Rollo don’t get out much coz the streets ain’t safe round here. Theres kids kicking balls about, riding bikes and skateboards an’ not lookin’ where they’re goin’ an there’s middle aged men walking up an’ down the street all day. Well we all know what they’re up to. Children ain’t safe.

So to make up to Rollo we give him a gallon bucket of his favourite pork scratchings and a family pack of Dorritos and sit him in front of his games console. He loves his games console he does.

Social services from Tameside council, Greater Manchester, decided that the child’s parents, who also cannot be identified, had failed to bring their children’s weight under control.

Mr. K. D. Fiddler, principal of the local care home, Dotheboys Hall, sounded a hopeful note. We have an outstanding record of knocking fat kinds into shape,” he told our reporter, “We did winders with Rollo’s big sister Cheryade when we had her in for a few months. A right little barrel she was when the Politically Correct SWAT team brought her in. Six months later she was like a matchstick and had that pinched, haunted look people find so attractive on little girls in Christmas cards. Oh yes, we catch them overeating in here we play hide the sausage with them.”

Normal, Fat or Obese, we look at the Lardarse family
It’s all your fault Mr. Lardarse
Golden Calories

9 thoughts on “Council ‘put child, 5, into care for being obese’

    • Dickens? Quite an honour, although I have to confess my sister fatsally invented the Lardarses. In my publication of a previously undiscovered Dickens novel “What The Dickens” I did invent a charcter named Ordurebeezer Sloppyplopp who make his living as a dealer in dung and several other characters with stupid names. Unfortunately only one chapter of the original manuscripts has survived.


  1. You must have been visiting the town where i live as there are many relations of the Lardarses living here!

    Even benches in the town centre are strengthened, so as to more comfortably accommodate their rapidly spreading backsides, while they sit guzzling McDonalds and KFC specials on a daily basis!

    The poor seagulls are getting thinner round here as there is no chance of any scraps coming their way, the Lardarses even eat any bones and probably the cardboard boxes their ‘healthy meals’ come in too :))


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