At Last Scientists Explain The Plague Of Zombies

You have probably noticed that Zombies are everywhere these days, not Zombies that play reggae music and live in Haiti, but the nasty, face gobbling Zombies that eat you in the street. From 28 Days Later to Shaun of The Dead and on to The Walking Dead, Zombie Apocalypse is everywhere.

But why?

Since the scientific apocalypse, when scientists all abandoned ethical constraints because they are such clever people they cannot be constrained by humanitarian feeling such as compassion and empathy we all have wondered what triggered this terrible zombie plague. It has been admitted that scientists have been trying to create artificial life, working on clones for spare part surgery, creating half man, half mouse chimeras (for fun) but until now the role of science in creating zombies has never been acknowledged.

But now at a press conference, Dr. Dave DeAth told asttendees,

“Yes we consider flesh eating Zombies our greatest triumph yet in the race to subjugate nature and usurp God. We’re not sure how this new strain of Zombieism came about but the scientific consensus is it had something to do with supermarket beef.” Dave told us.

The sound of jaws dropping in the conference room was deafening. Everybody turned on Dave, calling him Frankenstein, freak – doctor or fraud and demanding to be told more.

“Remember mad cow disease?” he said. “Beef billionaires told their scientists to come up with ways to reduce costs and boost profits. We were already feeding young cattle growth hormones and penicillin to cattle to fatten them up quicker, we were keeping them in tiny cages to stop them losing weight through exercise, what more could we do. A bunch of very clever people came up with the idea that feeding the animals on left over bits of other cows,the bits even Macburgers don’t want, would give them a high protein diet that would help build muscle bulk. Unfortunately cows have evolved over millions of years to eat grass and turn it into steak for humans to eat.

The cows didn’t much care for their dead cow enriched diet so the next step for the researchers was to make cows that liked steak. To do this we produced Genetically Modified Mangol Wurzels to which a human steak-is-yummy gene had been inserted.This worked well for a while although mad cow disease was an unfortunate side effect. Finally the gene that makes mad old bags outside Yates’ Wine Lodge scare innocent young men shitless by offering them a tuppeny upright round the back was making cows stagger around and fall over. It had always been assumed that a surfeit of Yates’ Sweet White did that to the mad old bags but apparently not.

As I said the high protein diet worked for a while one the mad old bag gene had been sorted out but eventually it altered the protein sequences in cattle DNA.

“People should have seen that something was up then. You can only feed cows other cows for so long,” a rather serious minded reporter from The Independent said. The young woman was immediately jumped on by security officers and dragged out screaming and protesting. She has not been seen nor heard of since.

Dave continued, “The animals humans were eating had been fattened on abbatoir waste, byproducts of the food processing industry, and genetically modified foods. It only stands to reason that if you eat enough genetically modified food, it’s eventually going to modify your genetics.

All the cutting corners on animal feed and trying to speed up evolution by genetic engineering of crops to maximize corporate profits eventually had an effect and it was thus that humanity engineered its own extinction. Evolution is not fully understood even by scientists but the valuable lesson we have learned it that things do not evolve to extinction. They evolve by becoming something else. And we have speeded up evolution so much we got ahead of ourselves. We were always supposed to evolve to immortality but science has helped us get there before we are able to do without our bodies.

For the sake of corporate profit we poisoned our own damned food supply and now it is turning us into The Walking Dead. Scientists kept waiting to see the effects of genetic engineering, but as usual they were observing the mathematical models rather than reality. They predicted changes in living people and claimed to be conquering death when the average life expectancy increased by a few days a year.

Unfortunately the mutation they hoped for did not turn out as expected, the mutation genetic engineering created remained dormant during the our natural life phase and only kicked in when putrefaction began. The unintended consequence of our experiment (and there are always unexpected consequences, that is the price we must pay for progress, only manifested after clinical death with the result that the dead wouldn’t stay dead. From a scientific point of view this is absolutely fascinating and more research is needed to enable us to reverse the decay, corruption and other undesirable side effects.”

Evolution: theory, fact or fiasco

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