Take one footballer, add one sat nav and stir in one Porsche.

The result is all to predictable.
In the past we have gleefully reported the disasters that occur when a person brainwashed with the idea that science is divine and technology infallible cedes responsibility to a sat nav system. The classic case was Sat Nav Suzy From The Isle Of Skye who set out from Scotland for the ferry port at Hull on the east coast and ended up in a sheep pasture in west Wales.

“Didn’t you see the funny place names on signposts and think something was wrong?” we asked her.

“Yes but the sat nav said keep going that way,” she replied. Sat Nav Suzie’s story makes today’s news report all the more believable.

Footballers are not noted for being at the front of the queue when brains were handed out though it is unfair to dismiss them all as stupid, they are not all Super Mario Balotelli. On the other hand Balotelli is not the only total dickhead to have disgraced the Premiership in recent years.

It would be off topic to mention Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney’s wold adventures in oral sex with a granny prostitue (fourth paragraph from end of this report)because it is quite normal for young men to get their face into a Nan* after a few beers on a Friday night – but I mention it anyway because it’s a good line and now Balotelli has returned to Italy we need to identify a few contenders for the “craziest footballer title.

One must surely be Liverpool’s Andre Wisdom whose slavish deference to technology and his sat navs judgement shows he has a long way to go to live up to his name. And as long as he relies on his sat nav rather than his eyes, ears and common sense he is not going to progress far.

The Premier League defender had to abandon his £100,000 Porsche no a muddy dirt track after his sat nav system took him off road.

Wisdom, the England U21 captain, followed the robotic voice as it directed him into a forest park last Friday night. him walking three miles to a main road after his car ended up getting stuck in the mud.

He is currently on loan at Derby County and was on his way to their home game with Sheffield Wednesday at the weekend when the incident occurred.

A Derby County spokesman said: “Andre visited a local shop on the way to Saturday’s game against Sheffield Wednesday and, being new and unfamiliar to the area, he programmed the stadium’s postcode into his Sat Nav.

He added: “The route provided took him down a less than traditional road, where conditions were also poor, and ultimately his car got stuck.”

When we remember he had three miles to walk back to the main road you might well ask why the fuck did his own common sense not alert him to the fact that something wasn’t right. I mean, how thick do you have to be to get in this deep …

Lost in the woods

… before you notice the surroundings don’t look like inner city Sheffield.

The abandoned Porsche Panamera Turbo, worth £100,000, was found by local mountain biker Pete Irons who informed the police. Irons told reporters he was shocked to think a sports car had got so far in conditions that would have challenged a Land Rover.

He said: “To get to that point he would have to have come through an equally muddy section. It was miles from the road, I have no idea what he was thinking to keep going so far.

Well thinking is probably not the right word, after all he is a footballer.

We predict the chant that will be echoing around stadiums where Wisdom is playing for the est of this season might go something like this:

Andre Wisdom, Andre Wisdom,
Andre Wisdom where’s your Porsche.

*for non British readers, a naan is a flatbread originally from the Indian subcontinent, often eaten with curry fter a lads night out. Nan is slang for Grandmother.

Sat Nav can’t see the wood for the trees
Another Stupid Sat Nav Story
When driving on sat nav remember the country code

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