In Bond – age to the twin demons?

I sometimes get accused of being unfair to science tits who are, as they like to remind me, a bunch of altruistic superior beings who devote their lives to a quest for truth and an effort to improve the miserable lot of humankind, often working for peanuts. In the highly paid industry I worked in it was often said, “Pay peanuts, you get monkeys”. What does that say about people who work for peanuts?

The latest project to fall into the category of absolutely useless research unless its objective was to flush taxpayers’ money down the toilet, is a report on what effects the lifestyle a typical secret agent (licensed to kill), which involves compulsory heavy drinking and smoking, regular encounters with skilled torturers and explosives experts and alluring women who keep stilettos in their stilettos would have on a man’s body.

In what is probably the most useless piece of pseudo – scientific research ever, a bunch of OCD bell ends from the Nottingham University Hospitals NHS Trusthave discovered an adult male human cannot drink five bottles of spirits and ten bottles of wine a day, smoke seventy cigarettes an hour, get killed at least once a week and still be a secret agent (licenced to kill). That’s the finding of researchers who say that they’ve plotted James Bond’s alcohol intake across his career and that far from being a superhero, he was a physical wreck. OK, I know these blokes are scientists and we have to make allowances, but FFS, don’t they realise James Bond is not a real person and that fact alone enables him to break all the rules. The humorless nerds will be telling us next that having studied the aerodynamics of the Kruptonian body they conclude Superman can’t fly.

They report in their humourless way, “This consistent but variable lifetime drinking pattern has been reported in patients with alcoholic liver disease”. A person with this lifestyle would be impotent and b) he wouldn’t be able to shoot straight. So less a case of Goldeneye than Blurred Vision. Really? Can’t get it up, poor physical coordination, bad breath, tunnel vision? Sounds like he’d make a great scientist.

Sadly these sexless science lovers are unfamiliar with Thorpe’s law, that that the more dissolute your lifestyle the more sex you get and the better you are in bed.

What I loathe most about this type of scientists is the lofty tone they adopt when stating what is starkly effing obvious as if they are imparting some gem of wisdom non scientists could not possibly be aware of.

Do these guys think we mere mortals do not know Bond is a fantasy figure or that we are unaware a lifetime of heavy drinking and smoking is likely to ruin a person’s health.

Do they not understand that while fully conversant with these things some people will choose to smoke or drink too much, drive fast cars, surf the biggest wave in the world, boff the local gangster’s wife (It was a long time ago, OK) or try to ride an inflatable elephant down the black slopes at Val d’Isere because we are human and doing stupid things proves we are alive.

When will someone fund some research into why so many scientists find it impossible to GET A LIFE.

MORE FROM THE GREENTEETH STABLE

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