Things are so dire this year that the April Fool jokes in the news papers are uniformly lame.
The Times’ spoof that the Duke of Saxony, a German descended from the James 1 and the Stuart dynasty, sees the prospect of Scottish independence as a chance to claim the throne of Scotland. The clue, however, lies in quotes attributed to an academic Amadan Giblean, whose name is a Gaelic translation of April Fool.
The Guardian takes its usual internationalist line, expressing hopes that Scotland will align itself with mainland Europe by switching to driving on the right, relabeling the road signs so that the M8 motorway becomes the S8 and constructing huge, spiralling “direction reversal” systems to avoid accidents when cross-border motorists become confused by the lane switch.
First Minister Alex Salmond’s head would replace that of the Queen on a pound coin named the “Salmond Sterling”, according to the Daily Telegraph’s “Flora Poli.” Really? I would think Mel Gibson’s head would be more appropriate after “freedom”.
The Daily Mail says it’s snapped a ministerial aide accidentally revealing the design for a “Scot-free Union Jack”, minus the blue of the saltire. It quotes “Avril McTickle” complaining that there’s “no constitutional need to change the flag”.
Meanwhile, away from Scotland, The Currant Bun’s Avril Fuel (you gotta spoonfeed Sun readers) reports that the Queen has approved fracking in the grounds of Buckingham Palace in a bid to reduce “rocketing” palace utility bills of £3.1m.
And the Daily Express says British farmer Ian Hatchett’s hens are laying square eggs at his “Flair Loop” farm, in Suffolk. That one is worth a groan.
One story I thought was a prank concerned a convict who has become a grandfather at 27 after the daughter he fathered when aged fourteen gave birth herself, aged only thirteen. Why did I think this true story was a joke? Well I haven’t been watching enough Jeremy Kyle obviously.
The United Nation Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) had the lamest April Fools joke this year:
Under the headline Climate Scientists Have The Courage To Tell It Like It Is the Daily Telegraph’s Geoffrey Lean tells it like it isn’t by misrepresenting as courageous, the cowardice of climate scientists in telling it exactly like the Rothchild banking cartel ordered them to.
The IPCC report care-in-the-community case Lean is waxing lyrical about is the 2,000 pages of Apocalyptic catastrophes for the next 1,000 years;
including fire and brimstone classics such as ….
Biblical scale tsunami’s rolling up the Thames, 150°C heatwaves causing fire-storms every second tuesday in London, Global famine giving rise to Mad Max style cannibal tribes throughout the UK, and finally …
Climate change derived Genetic Mutation bringing on the “end of times” Zombie Apocalypse !!
(Well OK, I might have made up a few of those)
With a concluding chapter along the lines of: repent repent ye sinners for the end days are upon us, The Great Whore Babylon riding on a seven headed beast is come among us !!! Prepare ye for The Rapture .. buy carbon credit offsets from your local Goldman Sachs broker.
Now what sort of numpty would fall for that tosh? Oh sorry Dave, Gideon, Nick, Ed …