Pablo Escobar’s Hippodrome

You may remember a song by The Beatles, For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite containing a reference to the Victorian circus act Pablo Fanques Horses, but have you ever heard of Pablo Escobar’s Hippos.

Pablo Who’s what? you might well ask.

I kid you not, the gobsmackingly rich Colombian drug baron Pablo Escobar’s legacy to his nation is a herd of hippos from his private zoo. A private zoo? what does a drug baron want with a private zoo, Ian? you might well ask.

Its a fair question and one I can only answer with another question. What is a drug baron to do when he gets bored with driving gold plated Ferraris, hiring high class whores by the dozen, shooting people in the face because he dosn’t like their face and overthrowing any politician who threatens to act against the drug trade.

Start collecting exotic animals of course.

And when said drug baron gets shot in the face because some nasty, spoilsport Americans got envious of the $60 million a day (and I have to remind you this was back in 1993 when $60million was still a lot of money) and tracked down poor Pablo and shot him in the face (and just about everywhere else – well you can’t be too careful when dealing with characters like Pablo).

Small problem, while public opinion approved of Pablo being shot, nobody was going to tolerate his exotic animals being shot even though there was nobody to feed them (the feds having shot all Pablo’s staff, just in case).

The animals were put out for adoption. Well there were plenty of takers for the bush babies, koalas, meerkats and monkeys, a few for the lions and tigers but nobody wanted the hippos or the shitloads of shit that goes with them. And when a hippo gets hungry it can be quite difficult to keep them behind a wire fence.

The hippos did what Pablo should have done, they made a run for it. And as it is rather more difficult to stop an angry hippo than a degenerate drug baron nobody bothered going after them.

The hippos went forth and multiplied. By pure coincidence Columbia is a perfect environment for hippos. Unfortunately though their appearance is comical (who can forget George in Rainbow) hippos are extremely aggressive.

Hippos are an endangered species in Africa so some environmentalists have suggested rounding up the Escobar hippos and sending them over the ocean. Unfortunately, perhaps through that mysterious phenomenon known as morphic resonance, Pablo’s hippos seem to have picked up some traits from the man who imported their ancestors. Apart from accosting anyone who goes to look at them with the question, “Sorted for coke and meth?” the hippos start to breed unusually early, breed faster than wild Hippos and have this habit of killing people who try to stop them doing what they want to do.

Pablo Escobar may be dead but his spirit (and his hippos) live on.

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2 thoughts on “Pablo Escobar’s Hippodrome

    • What I always find bizarre about drug barons is their need to draw attention to themselves. Financial criminals, stock market fraudsters and such, by an expensive home in Morocco or somewhere, stash their loot in a tax haven and live discreetly. Drug barons start collecting things like Hippos and Elephants.

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