I went out for a walk today in the cold, cold snow.
Up through the woods, across into the Fall, then out into the next village and along the road for a short while before picking up a spur of the Trans Pennine Trail to take me back home.
It was lovely, just enough snow to be pleasant without making it hard work, not too many people about and obviously very few vehicles on the road.
But I did pass one vehicle, a bus.
And on the side of the bus was a poster of a fish in a beer glass.
It was a tropical fish, the glamour models of the submarine world, there’s not much sexy about a cod or a monkfish, but get a little Angel fish showing off her ginormous fins, wey hey.
But this was a boy fish, he was still good looking, probably would love to do Dolce and Gabbana underwear if he had something to enhance with a pair of balled up socks. Boy fish are pretty much like girl fish in that department.
I know he was a boy because of the caption on the poster.
“HE DRINKS ALL DAY BUT HE WOULD NEVER DREAM OF DRIVING.”
Well of course he would never dream of driving, he’s a fish for heaven’s sake.
Fish don’t drive, their flns wouldn’t be able to turn the steering wheel.
They don’t have any legs, let alone feet to work the pedals and they wouldn’t be able to see where they were going.
And of course, despite what Ian Flemming and the makers of all the Bond movies might wish, there is still not an effective submersible car.
You don’t see fish standing outside car showrooms drooling over the latest Porsche or Ferrari.
They don’t go home to the Missus and make conversation about how they just bumped into Halli Butt and he was telling him all about his new Ford Focus, 48 to the gallon, group 2 insurance and they gave him £2000 against that old banger he’s been driving for years.
Fish don’t drive cars because they haven’t got any roads. They just swim about wherever they want to go, and if it gets busy, well there’s loads of space in the oceans.
And of course salt water, or fresh water, doesn’t impair anyones senses, as far as I am aware.
I could drink water all day and as long as I didn’t muck up my metabolism by having too much water in my body I’d be perfectly fine to drive.
I’d also be perfectly fine to swim, just like the fish.
However if I’d had eleventeen pints of Guinness I would be fine to do neither, the alcohol would affect my co-ordination, and my sense of balance. It would cause me to lose my body heat quicker, my reaction times would be slower and my vision would be impaired. It could possibly lead to me losing control of my car or losing control of my brain, both instances resulting in possible injury or even death, either on the road or in the swimming pool.
I don’t know if anyone has ever conducted any experiments on fish to assess the effect of alcohol on their swimming abilities, but I bet they don’t do so well under the influence.
They’d probably bump into rocks, or passing ships.
They’d lose control of their float bladders and end up sitting sadly on the ocean floor bemoaning the fact that they can never make a go of it with an Angel fish, or floating on the top, trying to steal the shipping lane marker buoys or something like that.
No, all told I reckon this advertising campaign is a right load of codswallop.
The most stupid Ad campaign ever, probably.