He Tried To Have Sex With What? How Rat Arsed Was He?

Callum Ward, 25, of Barnstaple was arrested after being observed “pressing” himself against the emergency vehicle before “simulating a sex act” on the bonnet.

Official police logs show an officer who saw him stated: “It looks as though he is attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance”.

Ward was drunk and had taken cannabis and amphetamine and was “in relatively high spirits” before the incident in November in Barnstaple, Devon.

He was first spotted setting fire to a packet of peanuts inside a phone box before mounting the ambulance, Barnstaple Magistrates Court was told.

What had he been drinking? Scrumpy cider laced with crystal meth? You can only have sex with the back end of an ambulance as any fule kno.