Useless Creatures or Endangered Species

Milo Yiannopoulos wrote in Breitbart London today:

Animals That Aren’t Delicious or Useful Deserve to Be Extinct

Pandas are portrayed as ‘cute’, actually they are ugly, stupid, smelly creatures that because their diet is totally unsuited to their metabolism, shit shitloads of smelly, slimy, green poo (Image source)

Have you ever considered that there might be a good reason some animals are nearing extinction? And that it would be better if they just died off?

Let’s get one thing straight: animals are here for our culinary enjoyment, our utility, and occasionally our comedic pleasure. Basically the rule is: if you can’t eat it or ride it, it is pointless. I’m always telling friends to “go green.” What they don’t realise I mean is: eat a turtle.

I was moved to draw up a list of animals that deserve to be extinct by Jim Treacher of another parish, who has waged an admirable, multi-year crusade against the unspeakable grotesque that is the panda.

Such headlines as “Pandas Do Not Have Personalities,” “Panda Fakes Pregnancy, Because Pandas Are Evil Liars,” “Scientists Prove It: Pandas Are Morons,” “Pandas Are Violent Monsters And Must Be Destroyed,” and of course his magnum opus “All Pandas Must Die” have served as an inspiration to us all.

You see, it’s not necessary to like animals just because they’re “cute,” and indeed the fawning baby-talk and excessive sentimentality showered on these dumb beasts by bleeding-heart liberals in fact only makes right-thinking people like Mr. Treacher and I deeply suspicious.

READ MORE including a list of endangered species that serve no other purpose than to act as shit factories, thus polluting our evironment.

I felt moved to reply:

I’m right with you on this Milo. What was God on the day he created Giraffes and can we have some please? Only one point in your comprehensive lost of useless creatures I’d take issue with, if we let lions become extinct, when Roman Empire rules are restored as the pendulum swings to the right, what kind of creatures will we be able to throw environmentalists to?

Why Aren’t Feminists Queueing To Fellate Walter Palmer

A dead lion? He’s not dead, he’s resting (image source)

If you are not yet familar with the name Walter Palmer, this fiftysomething dentist from Minnesota is currently the most hated man in the universe, galaxy, solar system, on the planet, north American continent, Facebook. Well among liberal and leftie sheeple on Facebook.

Why? you might well ask. Did he abort babies eighteen months into the pregnancy and serve their sauteed bodies to his friends for lunch like Dr. Kermit Gosnell? No but the liberals and lefties campaigned to keep Gosnell out of jail.

Did he start wars that killed thousands of innocent people in Libya, Syria, Yemen and a few other places like Barack Hussein Obama did? No, yet the liberals and lefties want to give him an unconstitutional third term.

Did he start riots in support of a mugger who when challenged by gun wielding police, bull rushed the officers causing one to discharge his weapon in a not unreasonable way in the circumstances? No he didn’t.

What Walter Palmer did to upset the Yooman Rights crowd was he shot a lion. A nasty, vicious, smelly, dangerous lion (these terms apply to all lions, especially the males) with a cutesy-pie name, Cecil.

For that you would think the Yooman rights screechers would lionise him (boom boom). Male lions you see are sexist and you know how the lefties would react if a libertarian blogger said women are neurotic and lesbians are fat and ugly.

Yes, the screechometer would be turned up way past eleven. Yet Cecil treated his wives like dirt, was probably guilty of marital rape (you don’t think lions seek written consent do you?) and whacked the cubs when they pissed him off.

I’m not defending big game hunting, its nasty and cruel, all I’m looking for is a bit of consistency and less of the hypocritical double standards from lefties. OK, Cecil might be a gay name and we’ve heard all the stupid, fatuous arguments about gay animals from lefties, but Cecil was not gay and did not call himself Cecil. He probably called himself “Mighty – superfeline – with – razor – sharp – claws – that – could – disembowel – a – puny – metrosexual – with – one – slash – so – fuck – off (or in Swahili, Simba). Lions are neither gay, metrosexual not liberal – especially big, alpha males like Cecil, in fact they are the most sexist of creatures so the feminists and their fellow travellers should be singing the praises of Walter Palmer and celebrating the demise of Cecil the sexist lion.

There is something a bit scummy and cowardly about luring a lion from its hunting grounds with bait, botching its dispatch with a bow-and-arrow and then having to stalk the wounded creature for 40 hours before finally putting it out of its misery, as Palmer did (allegedly)

BUT ……………………………..

This is how alpha male lions live their lives; they laze around preening themselves like the winner of a David Beckham lookalike contest while the females in the pride do all the hunting, childcare and so on. Then, when it’s dinner time, they amble over to the still warm corpse of the buffalo, warthog, antelope etc. that the harem has killed and take the choice bits because, hey, they’re the daddy and that’s their prerogative. If you’re a man of a certain age (between 14 and 95) this lifestyle can look very appealing but feminists ought to hate it. So why are they staging hate attacks against a dentist who struck a blow against Leonine sexism.

The real crime here was that of the animal rights dickhead who gave a lion, a species that are surely the Nephilim of the Savanna, a wussy, limp wristed name like Cecil.

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Stupid Criminal Of The Week

We haven’t had a Stupid Criminal Of The Week for a long time, all these stories about war, international crises, regime change, aircraft going missing and such have kept us too busy.

Now however we have a change to bring you the tail of Marquis Jackson, 27, a bumbling burglar who got himself sprayed by a skunk while stealing items from a garden. Police responded to a 911 call from a man who reported two men stealing items from a neighbor’s backyard but when the patrol car arrived the burglars had apparently fled. Jackson’s accomplice had been seen jumping over fences and running through gardens and was quickly apprehended.

Initially it appeared Jackson had made a clean getaway, but the officers noticed a pungent stink coming from a garden shed which had been broken into. In choosing a hiding place Jackson had disturbed a skunk just awakened from hibernation under the garden shed and the animal was pissed off at having its space invaded. Skunks use their spray as a defense mechanism to ward off predators.

It is rare to encounter skunks in domestic gardens, they are shy creatures and avoid humanity. Though they shun gardens, skunks are rather conservative creatures too and thus are very big on lawn order which is probably why this one grassed up the thief.

skunk conservative

Dog Wasn’t Pulling Owners Leg

November 11, 2013

Owning a dog, what with all the vets bills and such can cost an arm and a leg but 93 year old Bill Flowers was not so unfortunate, In fact Bill gained a leg thanks to his pooch Liberty.

Dogs like to bring things home to share with their owners and Liberty brought Bill a human leg. Bill was not too happy as he was afraid the gift might attract the long arm of the law.

Fearing that he might be prosecuted for legging it from a crime scene, or worse that the cops might not believe Liberty’s story (“Well I was just going about me business see, pissing on trees, chasing cats, sniffing things, and it just sort of fell into me pocket”) and accuse the dog’s owner of being a barking mad homicidal maniac, Flowers buried the leg. He told his daughter Cheryl about the dog’s strange find and after four days she managed to convince him he should tell the police because whoever had lost the leg might be hopping mad about the loss but might also be having difficulty getting out to look for their property.

Bill told police that his dog Liberty had brought home a grayish leg and stood over it wagging her tail. Flowers said the leg didn’t appear damaged, and it was severed inches from the buttocks (Liberty is a big dog – see below). Authorities located other body parts on Sunday.

Police placed a GPC device on Liberty in hopes that she would take them to the rest of the remains. Search dogs eventually located a pelvis and ribcage. Authorities have not yet identified the victim or disclosed a cause of death (although we will go out on a limb and say we suspect not many people would survive being chopped up in pieces so cause of death might be dismemberment related.)

Read more about this grisly find at the Komo News website.

leg hound
Liberty,

Laptops For Pensioners. New Dell Latitudes Smell Of Piss

Some unhappy purchasers of the Dell Latitude 6430u say that the laptop computer smells like cat piss, the BBC reported on Wednesday.

One user with the handle Three West posted on Dell’s hardware support forum:

A few weeks ago I got a new Latitude 6430u for work. The machine is great, but it smells as if it was assembled near a tomcat’s litter box. It is truly awful!

Another user, Hoteca, put in this contribution:

I thought for sure one of my cats had sprayed on my laptop, but there was something faulty with it so I had it replaced. The next one had the same exact issue. It’s embarrassing taking it to clients when your computer smells like a pet’s toilet.

dell cat piss latitudeSmell Dell has admitted the issue exists for some units. However, the company said that its investigation determined that the odor was not cat related but caused by a problem in the manufacturing process. In a press release the company said the pissue has now been resolved. A company spokesperson, Mr. Garfield (we wish) confirmed the smell was not biological in origin nor hazardous to health.

He added, “We are sorry to have pissed off some of our customers but these problems occur from time to time.”

Globetrotting Yeti

A British scientist believes he may have solved the mystery of the Yeti, the ape like hominid that allegedly roams the Himalayas and does wonders for tourism in Tibet.

Professor Bryan Sykes, a geneticist from the University of Oxford has found a match to DNA samples of the elusive creature.

Two modern day samples thought to belong to Yeti – one from the mummified remains of an animal shot by a hunter approximately 40 years ago, and another from a hair discovered in the bamboo forest 10 years ago – are a perfect match to the DNA of an ancient polar bear that roamed the earth 40,000 years ago.

When compared against the DNA from a jawbone of an ancient polar bear found in Svalbard, Norway, Sykes found a 100 percent match.

We doubt Prof. Sykes deductions, for one thing travel from Svarlbard to Tibet would have been almost impossible 40,000 years ago. Next, Yeti is an ape not a bear as all comic strip artists working on Rover, Hotspur and The Eagle comic in my youth were well aware.

Lastly of course, there are plenty of Yetis at large in western society. They have simply learned how to use hair removal products.

hairless yeti

The Pompous Toad

The Pompous Toad(a piece of whimsical verse dedicated to those attending the G20 conference )

A pompous toad squatted atop a large turd
believing it to be an ivory tower;
the absurd amphibian seldom deferred
to good sense, maintaining that pomp is power.
A passing terrapod astutely observed
that the toad owed his lofty position
not to reason, logic or rhetorical skill,
but a random act of excretion.
The toad, undeterred by a critical word
or the peril of his precarious situation
chose to pontificate and thus irritate
humbler creatures of similar station.

A warning word blurted might have averted
the disaster that was to befall
but though other creatures saw danger approach,
the toad had offended them all
Tired of being hectored and harangued
and lectured none felt inclined to help
when danger flew, by so they turned a blind eye
as an ignorant crow swooped down very low
and swallowed the toad in one gulp.

Chicken Refuses To Shit Diamonds

Claire Lennon of Berkshire is a nutter. She is prepared to wait eight years to recover a £300 diamond ear ring after it was swallowed by her pet chicken Sarah. As Sarah refuses to shit the ear ring (understandably perhaps, it’s a cockerel and so must resent being called Sarah) Claire is prepared to wait ’til the bird gets old and dies.

Vets say the jewel, which was given to Miss Lennon by her partner Adam de Marco, is trapped inside Sarah’s stomach and an operation to retrieve it could put the bird’s life in danger. (Boggart Blog says it’s a chicken FFS)

Miss Lennon said: “The vet said he could operate to recover the earring, but that might kill Sarah, which would devastate our six-year-old daughter Mia, who dotes on the chicken so we’ll have to wait till Sarah gets old and dies, we are probably looking at another eight years before I get my earring back.”

(Claire my love, trust me on this, to a six year old one chicken looks very much like another, buy a lookalike and consider this weeks Sunday roast is sorted.)

Honestly, what’s wrong with people these days? Isn’t like complicated enough without creating problems.


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Dog Faces Death Sentence For Being Gay

One from the Only In America Desk to kick us off today.

A dog is set to be put to death in Tennessee today after his owner abandoned him, thinking the dog was gay.

The pitbull-type mongrel is currently being kept in an overcrowded animal shelter in Jackson, 10AC, but is due to be put this afternoon down unless a new owner can be found at the last minute.

According to the owner of the shelter, the dog’s master noticed him ‘hunched over’ another male dog, which led him to assume he was gay.

Boggart blog is with the dog here (though not so much we’d give him a home even if we were based in Tennessee.

While same sex marriage campaigners claim male dogs humping each other is proof that homosexuality is as natural as a runny nose, animal experts say a male dog mounting another male dog is not a sign of sexual orientation but rather a sign of dominance.

If the criteria for legalizing same sex marriage is to include the evidence that little boy dogs hump each other we await with bated breath the first news of a campaign to legalise marriage between humans and cushions, humans and shoes, little kids, their owner’s leg or … videos of dogs humping things

And for those who insist on interpreting bizarre animal behaviour by superimposing human motivations, ………… EXPLAIN THIS CLIP from the Graham Norton show.

Full story

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For Once The Animal Was Sober (not sure about the human)

At this time of year Boggart Blog likes to bring you news about the misdemeanours of animals that have become intoxicated on alcohol formed by natural fermentation while dining on fruit fallen from trees. These stories usually involve sober humans being left traumatised following encounters with inebriated elks, squiffy squirrels, bladdered badgers, sozzled starlings and pie-eyed porkers.

This story however concerns animals that were stone cold sober and following the green cross code. The deer were travelling (to a stag night?) cross – country near Fargo, (a village close to Wells), when their presence pissed off a passing driver so much she felt compelled to call the local radio station. The call went like this:

This is Dave Rogers Talktime, Fargo, North Dakota, radio station Y94, Our next caller is Donna. Donna has some problems with deer crossings. Over the last few years, she’s been involved in several deer-related car accidents, and she decided to call the show to talk about how her deer crossing issues should be address. The airwaves are yours Donna.

“I want to know why are government people placing the signs in high-traffic areas?”

Well maybe they place signs where the deer want to cross roads Donna.

“If that’s why, shouldn’t we be encouraging deer to cross the road in low-traffic areas rather than on busy highways?”

Maybe it’s because the deer can’t read the crossing signs but drivers can Donna. We have to make allowances for dumb animals

“The government have the money and the technology, they can guide deer to lower traffic areas, it’s unfair drivers should be inconvenience by having to slow down or stop for deer when we have to get to work or to an appointment. Derr don’t pay taxes why should they be treated like they are privileged”

We’re sure the government have teams of scientists working on it, Donna. Thanks for your call.

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