APRIL FOOLS review 2014

Things are so dire this year that the April Fool jokes in the news papers are uniformly lame.

The Times’ spoof that the Duke of Saxony, a German tarot fooldescended from the James 1 and the Stuart dynasty, sees the prospect of Scottish independence as a chance to claim the throne of Scotland. The clue, however, lies in quotes attributed to an academic Amadan Giblean, whose name is a Gaelic translation of April Fool.

The Guardian takes its usual internationalist line, expressing hopes that Scotland will align itself with mainland Europe by switching to driving on the right, relabeling the road signs so that the M8 motorway becomes the S8 and constructing huge, spiralling “direction reversal” systems to avoid accidents when cross-border motorists become confused by the lane switch.

First Minister Alex Salmond’s head would replace that of the Queen on a pound coin named the “Salmond Sterling”, according to the Daily Telegraph’s “Flora Poli.” Really? I would think Mel Gibson’s head would be more appropriate after “freedom”.

The Daily Mail says it’s snapped a ministerial aide accidentally revealing the design for a “Scot-free Union Jack”, minus the blue of the saltire. It quotes “Avril McTickle” complaining that there’s “no constitutional need to change the flag”.

Meanwhile, away from Scotland, The Currant Bun’s Avril Fuel (you gotta spoonfeed Sun readers) reports that the Queen has approved fracking in the grounds of Buckingham Palace in a bid to reduce “rocketing” palace utility bills of £3.1m.

And the Daily Express says British farmer Ian Hatchett’s hens are laying square eggs at his “Flair Loop” farm, in Suffolk. That one is worth a groan.

One story I thought was a prank concerned a convict who has become a grandfather at 27 after the daughter he fathered when aged fourteen gave birth herself, aged only thirteen. Why did I think this true story was a joke? Well I haven’t been watching enough Jeremy Kyle obviously.

The United Nation Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) had the lamest April Fools joke this year:

Under the headline Climate Scientists Have The Courage To Tell It Like It Is the Daily Telegraph’s Geoffrey Lean tells it like it isn’t by misrepresenting as courageous, the cowardice of climate scientists in telling it exactly like the Rothchild banking cartel ordered them to.

The IPCC report care-in-the-community case Lean is waxing lyrical about is the 2,000 pages of Apocalyptic catastrophes for the next 1,000 years;
including fire and brimstone classics such as ….

Biblical scale tsunami’s rolling up the Thames, 150°C heatwaves causing fire-storms every second tuesday in London, Global famine giving rise to Mad Max style cannibal tribes throughout the UK, and finally …

Climate change derived Genetic Mutation bringing on the “end of times” Zombie Apocalypse !!

(Well OK, I might have made up a few of those)

With a concluding chapter along the lines of: repent repent ye sinners for the end days are upon us, The Great Whore Babylon riding on a seven headed beast is come among us !!! Prepare ye for The Rapture .. buy carbon credit offsets from your local Goldman Sachs broker.

Now what sort of numpty would fall for that tosh? Oh sorry Dave, Gideon, Nick, Ed …

the end of days by hieronymus boschDon’t know the title of this painting by Hieronymus Bosch but it fits the bill

April Fool Or Are Journalists Getting Thicker?

Hmmm, as the title says I don’t know whether this is an April Fool or just a case of a journalist not cottoning on.

The Sun reports today how a group of thirty five squatters have trashed a mansion before being removed by riot police on Sunday, which was, of course, April Fool’s Day.

The story goes on to say that one aggrieved squatter, “whined: ‘ The police treated us quite horribly. They put my arm behind my back and pushed me out.'”

Considering the riot police have been known on occasion to club innocent bystanders to the ground and cause grievous bodily harm as a matter of course in some instances that doesn’t seem too bad does it?

And who was this squatter?

Aye there’s the rub.

He claimed his name was RAOUL DUKE, the pseudonym used by Hunter S. Thompson in many articles but most notably the drug fuelled and anarchic Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.

I think you’ve been had Mr. Reporter.

Apes with iPads, 3D Radio, and a Royal Shotgun Wedding. It can only mean one thing.

Bearing in mind the date we bring you a roundup of the day’s main news.

Top story for the day must go to The Currant Bun:
Planet of the Apps Not quite the same as gibving a million monkeys a million typewriters and expecting them to produce the woks of Shakespear, but Gorillas with iPads is a start.

Close behind is the BBC which announces the imminent launch of 3D Radio. Imagine that, The Archers in 3D. Or worse, Chris Moyles.

Read The latest Royal Wedding goss in the Daily Mail (where else) which has a report on Kate Middleton shopping for baby clothes. Oh dear, has prince William been a careless boy?

Still on the subject of Weddings we learn from the Daily Telegraph that Labour’s National Executive Committee have ordered party activists to celebrate the wedding of Ed Miliband and Justin Hawkins Jusine Thornton by putting out bunting and organising street parties.

And finally we had some shock news from Holywood.
Spock’s Ear To Be Auctioned

Wossy’s Wife Very Very Drunk?

Today, not being a regular subscriber any more, I bought The Guardian as they always have the best April Fool story. My quid was well rewarded as this year’s election related April Fool was a cracking good yarn about Labour and Gordon Brown’s election strategy Gratifying to see also a few jokes from Boggart Blog’s recent “Gordfellas” story finding their was into it. Much more of that and we will be believing the boast that our humble blog is the most influential media organisation in the entire nation.

Another item caught my eye in the paper though, a story about the writing career of Jane Goldman, wife of Jonathan Ross and a woman whose monstrous breasts could easily have inspired the remake of Clash Of The Titans.

One thing Ms. Goldman said that made me do a quick double take was that she did not marry Ross because she was attracted by his wealth and fame.

In that case it could only have been because she was very very drunk.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Vonderplanitz – yeah right

You know how everyone bangs on about the daffodils blooming eartlier, wasps and bees coming out of hibernation or whatever it is they do (I can’t believe they die off otherwise they must grow very quickly, we’ve had no end buzzing about during last week’s balmy days and they’re all the size of gobstoppers.)
Well I think April Fool’s Day is happening sooner this year too.
I honestly can’t remember where I saw this, I think it was saturday’s Times, maybe in one of the supplememnats.
Anyway it was commenting on the latest fad diet, which is apparently raw, rotten meat. Alleged afficionados of the regime were reporting on the health benefits, saying that it cleared up all medical conditons, from dry skin to constipation, to shingles.
The inventor of the “Primal Diet” claims it is what we would have eaten when we were neanderthal and so, therefore, is what we ought to be eating now we have evolved somewhat, don’t quite follow that logic myself, but there again, apart from working out that most things in moderation seems to work fine for me I haven’t invented any diets or cults so who am I to say?
One chap claims he has been on the diet for seven years and has never felt better.
He claimed it was best to start on the raw meet and then progress to the raw, rotten meat once your body has had a chance to acclimatise to the change.
And the inventor of this new fad?
A chappie who claims to be called Aajanus Vonderplanitz.

We can’t think of anything worse than the Primal Diet but this combination runs it close: Ice Cream and Chips

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