What an arse.

Yesterday we featured a picture post of a billboard adverstising an Easter egg hunt. Anal Egg Hunt, the wording said. Cue tasteless jokes and ribald banter.

An unfortunate error you might well think, but was it? In view of this story we have to wonder just WTF was going to be happening in the course of that Anal egg hunt. Or is it a case of Some people will do anything to get in the Guinness Book Of Records.

arse-of-easter
Click image for larger view

The story of this arsehole’s stunt will not put us Boggart Bloggers off Cereme Eggs of course. We have’t touched the things since Kraft took over Cadburys and swapped the original filling for a fondant of sweetened Dairylea. (Source: Sunday Sport)

Photoshopping the minge hair

It has to be confessed I used to look at pictures of Beyonce and think, “how did such a beautiful woman get involved with a munter like Jay Zee?” I mean OK, he’s worth about three hundred million dollars but has the girl no self respect? She’s perhaps the most beautiful woman in the world and he looks like a warthog’s bottom with a hat on.

And then I saw the unphotoshopped pictures of the lady. And it appears that while the boat race is perfect she has a bit of a big old arse on her. See for yourselves:

And is that minge hair spilling out of the side of her bikini (left). Oh dear, the photoshoppers have slipped up.

(Image source)

Stinky Fingers

The Duchess, a nightclub singer from Las Vegas has not cut her fingernails since 1990. The gold-painted talons are now 11 ft on the left hand, and 10 ft on the right.

The mother-of-four insists her long curling nails are not expensive to maintain and do not inconvenience her.

“Well actually, maintenance, I do it myself, so it doesn’t really cost me anything. I make my own polish! I put in a little extra nail polish remover, it makes them dry faster.”

She added: “I file them every three months down to the finger nail and put another layer of acrylic on.”

That was not the kind of inconvenience we were thinking of. Kahlid Ahmed, an Iraqi I used to work with was fond of saying, “If you go to bed with an itchy arse you’ll wake up with stinky fingers.”

I hate to think of the consequences if The Duchess goes to bed with an itchy arse.”

Cheryl’s Arse

Big story today is undoubtedly Cheryl Cole’s tattoo. The Girls Aloud singer and erstwhile X Factor judge has had a bunch of roses tattooed across her arse cheeks. The image starts around the level of her lower ribs and extends to the thighs.

The question is, what can be behind this stunt. Is Cheryl trying to resurrect her career which has been a bit necrotic recently, is she launching a new range of exotic underwear or is the lady trying to tell us she’s so fragrant her farts smell of roses. See for yourselves …

Cheryl Colee's arse showing the rose tattoo

An unintended consequence for Cheryl may be that she will find men reluctant to give her a rim, job for fear of encountering thorns.

Yahoo news – Cheryl Cole tattoo

Eel be feeling like a bit of an arse

After a few days dominated by The Downing Street shaggers it’s animals all the way today.

A man in china’s south eastern province of Guangdong presented himself at the local A & E with an Eel up his arse. He had apparently been trying to recreate a scene in a porn film (or go one better than Richard Gere’s gerbil in a condom.)

Things were fine until he realised the eel was trying to eat it’s way out of his arsehole. Eels do not have reverse gear apparently and the poor creature, on realising it was well and truly in the shit tried to escape by chewing through the man’s colon.

Emergency surgery saved both the man and the eel but unfortunately the creature died later. This was probably for the best as eels do not cope well with post traumatic stress.

Source

And the Arsecar for biggest bottom goes to …

(Cue music: big bottom by Spinal Tap)

We missed reporting the Oscars from Hollywood last night. Other bloggers were up all night live blogging but we gave it a miss because:

Everyone knew Daniel Day Lewis was going to win.

Daniel Day Lewis has a thin, reedy voice.

Daniel Day Lewis can’t act.

Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for playing a spazza. When me and my mates did an ensemble spazza round the schoolyard in 1963 we all got detention. So Daniel Day Lewis is obviously an agent of the New World Order.

Daniel Day Lewis is a twat.

Instead of covering the Oscars then, Boggart Blog’s owner sent us to report the Arsecars.

Dionne Washington was up for the top award, she claims to have the biggest arse in the world (except for Daniel Day Lewis who is an arse). See for yourselves:

arse1

Dionne (5′ 4″) told the Boggart Blog reporter she can’t imagine anything worse than dieting. Her massive bum is 5ft 3ins across (Boggart Blog writer fatsally is five feet three high) and weighs a whopping 120 pounds – about the same as Kate Moss holding twenty pounds of coke.

She knows how much her bottom weighs because four men lifted her up and flopped it down on a set of industrial scales while holding up the rest of her. At its widest point, it’s 14ft 9ins around, and she’s on a mission to make it even bigger.

“I am literally sitting on a fortune,” says Dionne, 35. “My butt must be the widest in the world and it already earns me over $180,000 in the past year. I used to hate it, but now it’s my fave feature.”

In best tabloid style we say Dionne is sitting on a goldmine.

However, Amanda Thornton of Atlanta, Georgia, has something to say about Dionne’s claim for biggest butt:”You don’t call that a butt do you, I’ve seen cocktail sticks with bigger arses. I have a much bigger bottom but I didn’t even get nominated. It’s goddam racism that’s what it is, well they can kiss my black ass.

Amanda shows off her biggest asset.

arsecar-winner

Relive the moment:
Big Bottom by Spinal Tap

RELATED POSTS:
Your Bottom (comic verse)

A Bit Of An Arse

A chap from Norfolk auctioned off space on his bum in aid of St Helena Hospice.

Jack Gargrave started off with the phrase, “I love….” and asked bidders to complete the sentence, just like those competition tie breakers.

The winning bid was “I love the pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre.” which Jack duly had tattooed on one cheek.

They got all that on one cheek, that must be some arse on the boy.

From Today I love Crazy Frog

OKOK, I know I am being shallow and fickle, yes I know my heaviest sarcasm and most toxic barbs have been directed at the animated amphibian, those who profit from it and those who love it. While not taking back every word I said, I do admit to having achieved a paradigm shift in my relationship with the character. And why?
Well it seems prude, puritanical parents, ever anxious to ensure their little gifts from God are not being exposed to The Devil or any of his nefarious works by media executives of Evelyn Tent., have been scrutinising the ads and have noticed what their narrow minds perceive to be amphibian wedding tackle dangling beneath little Crazy’s belly as he ninganings around on his imaginary motorbike, legs akimbo .
I promise you it is bollocks. Or rather it is not bollocks, or anything else that might conceivably corrupt the young, as Paranoid Parents for Jesus proclaim. Not that a frog’s willie would corrupt the young. Kids love willies, twinkles, pee pee and poo. Ever watched Pingu? (I just searched my online dictionary for a better children’s slang term for female genitals. There are no slang terms for genitals at all – if I walked through the house to get my concise Oxford, which I can’t be arsed doing, I would find plenty. What is wrong with America? And are we going the same way?) There is a danger to adults however, a danger that some over zealous regulator eager to score brownie points will now ban anything slightly pointy from our children’s’ world in case someone thinks it’s a dick.
There is no substance in the complaint of course. Anybody who has bisected a frog in second year biology will know that their bodies culminate in a point where the tadpole tail used to start.
Crazy Frog is innocent, the anatomically aware will know frogs do not have meat and two veg. They may have frog’s legs but that is a starter rather than a main course. Having forced myself to watch the ad in the interests of journalism I can confirm there is nothing in any way todger – like in frog’s appearance.
But suppose Satan did slip into the Crazy Frog ad, would that be a bad thing. Surely caring parents would be happy to know the evil one was occupied ning-ning-ning-na-na-nrrrring-a-ning-ninging around inside a TV screen than hanging around in shady alleyways whispering “hey kid, psst – sorted for Es and whizz?”

See for yourself – Crazy Frog video download
Pingu
Looking for an entertaining link to Parental Advisory stuff I could not resist this.
arse burgers