Da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da Bat Flu

Our world was not turned upside down this moring by a story reporting a new health threat that could kill tens of millions millions hundreds of thousands thousands a few people worldwide.

“For the first time, scientists have found evidence of flu in bats, reporting a never-before-seen virus whose risk to humans is unclear. “

Bat Flu? Will it be as dangerous and Bird Flu and Swine Flu which both caused mass hyestreria in medical science, the health professions and the political establishment and the symptoms of which caused massive swelling of Big Pharma’s profits.

Both were treated with indifference by the public of course, and being pissed off by the lack of fear and panic they engendered both these mass killers went away without disrupting the life of the nation.

Will Bat Flu be any different? Well it seems to us very much like a disease we reported a few years ago. And back then, despite a big furore in some parts of the world, nobody died.

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New Pandemic! Holy Hibernation Batman, The Bat Cave Is Closed.

Bad news for eccentric millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne and his witless ward Dick Grayson, aka Batman and Robin. Bat caves across the USA are being placed out of bounds and boarded up to stop the spread of a disease that threatens to destroy the bat population.

The bat disease, white nose syndrome, is caused by spores of a mutant fungus that first appeared on the walls of sties filled with pigs quarantines because they were suspected Swine Flu carriers. FBI agents suspect the fungus was genetically modified with Swine Flu virus by mad scientist Prof. Max Megalo and introduced to the bat population through felonious felines controlled by Catwoman.

The disease strikes in winter while bats are hibernating. Once the fungus has colonised their nostrils the bats produce copious amounts of nasal mucus and thus dehydrate themselves.

The Bat Cave close to Wayne Manor, Mr. Wayne’s luxurious mansion just outside Gotham City is no exception to the restrictions and the caped crusaders crimefighting capers have been curtailed.

The crimefighters gracefully accepted the closure of the Bat Cave but Mr. Wayne warned that once master criminals intent on world domination learn that the preternatural peacekeeping abilities of the dynamic duo have been neutralised Gotham City can expect a crime wave of unparalleled proportions.

Mr. Wayne told a Boggart Blog reporter the city could expect some catastrophic criminal calumnies from the many mendacious miscreants the city attracts. Then he excused himself as he had a scheduled meeting with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara of Gotham City P.D.

His ward Dick said on his behalf: “Bats are sentient creatures and as such have rights but pustulating pipistrelles, people do not yet understand how serious this is. If there was an outbreak of fear and panic when Swine Flu think of the danger bats pose. As well as being a lot smaller than pigs they congregate in huge swarms and fly at night so they are much harder to see and avoid. And spores of the fungus are carried in their droppings which are tiny. So if you have been out at night and a bat shat on your hat you are already at risk.”

Next our reporter spoke to Dr. Pam Dennick of the Gotham City General Hospital Epidemiology Department. When asked if there was any chance of the disease jumping the species barrier to humans Dr. Dennick gave this warning.

“Normally we would have to say no, there are huge genetic differences between bats and humans. having said that, Vampires can take the form of humans or bats so there is a possible bridge across which the disease can enter the human population.

The Doctor offered this advice: Do not date people with very pale skin, eyes that are unusually sensitive to light and who have a penchant for wearing black. They may be innocent Goths but you can’t be too careful. Also avoid physical contact with such people. If you experience a runny nose rub Canesten or a similar treatment for fungal infections on the inside of your nostrils. (people who prefer natural remedies may find tea tree oil helpful) Take plenty of fluids and if you experience any symptoms of the disease do not sleep hanging upside down as humans are built differently to bats and you will drown.

We leave the last word to caped crusader Robin.

“Streaming Sinuses, this is worse than we thought. If the infection spreads civilisation could perish in a sea of batsnot.”

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

If you, like the Boggart Bloggers found the panic over Swine Flu totally over the top you might enjoy reading PANICOLOGY by Simon briscoe and Hugh Aldersley Williams (Penguin Books) a book which dissects the scare stories and presents a balanced view of the true level of risk in relation to the level of fear and panic raised by vested interests.

Buy Panicology at amazon.co.uk

THE DAILY STIRRER

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