More Woe For Lib Dems As Clegg Speech Fails

We were drawn by this bedline because the story concerns Accrington where the Boggart Blog headquarters is situated.

Bearded Muslim pupils have right to show “full faith” says Nick Clegg.

When did the Lib Dem leader develop a lisp? Is it another sign that the stress is getting to him.

The story refers to the two 14-year-old Muslims who have been placed in “isolation” from the start of the new term at Mount Carmel Roman Catholic High School in Accrington, Lancashire.

Talks were held with the families of the two boys to resolve the problem but neither side backed down and the school has now decided the pupils can only return to school when they are clean-shaven.

The headteacher of the school, Xavier Bowers, said that the matter is not one of religion but about dress code.

In a statement issued yesterday, Mr. Bowers said: “At Mount Carmel RC High School, we believe that it’s important to be clear about what we expect from students in all aspects of school life, including appearance and uniform.”

And once these lads have scraped the bumfluff from their chins they can return to class and learn to say Hail Marys and confess their sins so they can go and commit some new ones.

Meanwhile, asked about his lisp Mr. Clegg said, “I don’t think a thpeeech impediment ith any cauthe for embarrathment in thith day and age.

If Your Beard Infringes Copyright, Shave Now!

Experience has shown Russian mathematician and blogger Mikhail Verbitsky that there’s a price to be paid for being flippant about about peiople’s beards. This is bad news for Boggart Blogas in the past we have blogged about beards of terror, beards of mass destruction and improvided explosice beards.

“So what’s the deal with beards and copyright?” you might well ask. It is a typoical tale of Russian secret police, subversion, sensitivity and whiskers.

Verbitsky was on his way to a mathematics conference in Warsaw last week when he was seized by border guards at Sheremetyevo Airport and hustled into a detention cell. The grim faced guards took his passport and shuttled him from room to room without explanation, until at last one suggested that Verbitsky check the bailiff’s website to see whether he was in debt.

Sure enough, there he was — a debtor, convicted in absentia for copyright infringement. As a consequence, he is barred from leaving Russia until he pays 300,000 rubles ($10,000) on charges he’d never heard of.

The charge, Verbitsky later learned, is fr the result of a July 2006 blog post in which he ridiculed an ultranationalist named Igor Pugach using an image and text from Pugach’s website.

In the passage, Pugach, who refers to himself alternately as the “commander of the Order of Moscow,” “his majesty” and the “prince of Tenkinsky,” accused Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho of violating copyrights by wearing a goatee, a style of beard that Pugach claims is his intellectual property and a part of Russia’s cultural heritage.

“The website is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on the Internet,” Verbitsky said. “Pugach is suing everybody because of a beard. He believes he owns the idea of beards, essentially.”

Pugach has accused Russian rock star Andrei Makarevich, former U.S. Ambassador to Russia John Beyrle and scores of others of copyright infringement. Verbitsky, who wears a full beard and not a goatee, said he was probably convicted for using the trademarked image of Pugach’s bearded visage without permission, not merely for sporting a beard himself.

A Pugach associate said the wearing of a goateeny beard that could be shaved into a goatee, of even possession of equipment that could be used in the growing of a goatee (i.e. a chin and male hormones) constituted a violation of Pugach’s copyright.

“The beard is an element of a trademark,” said the man, who refused to identify himself but said he was not Pugach (well he would, wouldn’t he?). “Nobody has the right to use it without permission.”

He also denied Verbitsky’s claim that Pugach, whose name means popgun, had sued scores of celebrities and lost every time.

“Pugach hasn’t sued any actors or musicians,” he said.
We wonder what the legal definition of a goatee is. I mean, OK Guy Fawkes had one but do those facial hair fashions that involve a small trisngle of hair under the lower lip and make the wearer look like he has a little minge under his mouth count as copyright infringement. And what about teenage boys with a bit of bumfluff on their chin like Shaggy in Scooby Doo?

I’m clean shaven so I don’t care but beardies need legal clarification of this now.

The charge against Verbitsky has caused much ROTFLMAO in the blogosphere, where bloggers were quick to point out Pugach’s extreme nationalist politics make a mockery of his global crusade to control the goatee with the help of his company, Boroda, or in English, Beard.

Verbitsky however isn’t taking it lightly.

“It looks like a joke, but it’s absolutely not a joke,” he wrote on his blog after he was detained. “I need a lawyer, a professional lawyer.”

Your Boggart Blog correspondent thinks Pugarch needs professional help too but not necessarily from a lawyer. Is pognophilia a recognised mental illness.

Read more:
The Moscow Times

Beards Of Terror
You Just Can’t Be Too Paranoid

Pognophobia Pandemic Grips The Free World

The western nations are suffering an outbreak of pognophobia (fear of beards) not seen since the days immediately following the notorious 9/11 attacks on New York’s World Trade Centre.

In Britain we have seen the government, reduced to blind panic by the sight of a fuck-off beard of the kind that would be proudly worn by an Old Testasment prophet, bungle an attempt to legally deport the owner of said beard-of-mass-destruction, a Muslim cleric named Abu Qatada.

Meanwhile acros the pond normally law abiding Americans have taken to attacking members of the inoffensive-but-badly-groomed Amish sect and cutting off their beards.

Sixteen men and women have pleaded not guilty to mass beard murder attacks against fellow Amish in Ohio.

A feud over church discipline allegedly led to attacks in which the beards and hair of men and hair of women were cut, considered deeply offensive in Amish culture. The Amish believe the Bible instructs women to let their hair grow long and men to grow beards and stop shaving once they marry.

Amish mother Mary Hinge told a Boggart Blog rreporter, “They saved my legs. At this time of year in Ohio that is just cruel. The wind that blows through here has come all the way from Greenland without encountering a decent sized hill or even a clump of tall trees.

The latest indictment added new allegations that the suspects tried to hide or destroy evidence by making it into false beards for Muslim trainee holy men whose own beards have not fully developed. Evidence confiscated by Ohio Police Officers including a disposable camera, shears and a bag of hair from the victims.

Linda Schrock, daughter of alleged ringleader Samuel Mullet (No kidding :)) ), said the related extended families are supporting each other during the busy planting season while the seven defendants still held on bond.

The updated indictment also charges Mullet with lying to federal agents during their investigation by denying knowledge of an October assault and also with having an offensive hairstyle.

Amish men who escaped the beard assassains by disguising themselves as Greek Orthodox nuns


Abu Qatada disguised as a Greek Orthodox nun, as he escapes from immigration officers

You can’t be too paranoid

Allies Neutralise Afghan Beards of Terror

Boggart Blog was the first mainstream news network to report fully and fearlessly the role played by beards in the war being waged by funny mentalists and people of Evelyn Tent against the civilised world. Beards are a weapon integral to the spreading of fear and panic throughout the western nations. We have reported in the past how explosives can be concealed under beards, how small terrorists can hide in and under beards and hoe beards of mass destruction can be smuggled through customs disguised as designer stubble.

We also made the world aware of the laxity of security forces in allowing possible terror suspects and funny mentalist sympathisers to live among us even though they are openly in possession of equipment that could be used in the manufacture of beards, viz: faces, testosterone and hair follicles. Yes, it is shocking how improvised roadside beards can be made using such simple, everyday equipment.

Beards have featured in many fatal attacks in the middle east and have at times been used in atrocities that caused fear and panic in European and American cities.

We are happy to report that at last the security forces are starting to take seriously the threat to homeland security posed by beards of terror. A new law now in force in Afghanistan limits beards to safe lengths, ensuring that nobody can grow their beard so long that it could be used in acts of terror. Allied Military High Command hope this move will ensure the Afghan Presidential elections this week will be as free and fair as those held in Iran, Zimbabwe and Pakistan and pave the way to the create a western style democracy in Afghanistan, a nation where people have lived in the shadow of beards for too long.

Police find evidence of beards in hunt for terrorists. As police intensify their hunt for known suicide bombers who may or may not have sent each other e-mails in nn – European languages our mole in the security service tells us offocers have discovered evidence of beards having been grown in premises occupied by several suspects.

42 Days to grow a beard: Ciuvil Rights campaigners have complained that the anti-terror measure enabling authorities to hold terror suspects for up to 42 days without allowing them access to shaving equipment is a human rights violation. but how else are police officers to tell if somebody is in possession of equipment that could be used in the production of beards?

Diabetic, Unconscious and Dangerous

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Fear Of Soup

There are few plus points about being disabled but one of them is the bizarre stories that can be picked up by watching daytime television. This week one of the daytime shows has been running a series of features on irrational fears. The strangest case reported on was that of a woman who has a fear of soup.


A fear of soup?

Yes, she starts sweating and panic breathing when she sees a tin of Heinz Cream Of Tomato and even gets twitch when shown a cuppasoup in its packet though technically cuppasoup is not soup but a chemical cocktail. So irrational is this woman’s fear there is not even a name for it. Pognophobia (fear of beards) dendrophobia (fear of trees) and claurophobia (fear of clowns) are all recognised and fairly common conditions and we think claurophobia will be a lot more common by the time Psychoville has completed its run.

Less well known perhaps are Aibophobia (fear of palindromes – I didn’t make it up, I’m on the level) A well known palindrome is Nun so a person with Aibophobia and Cloisterophobia (fear of Nuns will be in real trouble if they ever go near a convent.)

Competitive types may be at risk of developing Kakorrhaphiophobia, a fear of defeat. How great would it be if that came up as the tie break question in the pub quiz at the Meritocrats’ Arms?

We digress however. Fear of Soup does not have a name. We suggest Potageophobia or mulligatawneyphobia or cockaleekiephobia might be appropriate and slide off the tongue easily but this does not help us with our problem. How could anybody become afraid of soup, or how could any rational person be reduced to a state of fear and panic by food, and how could that fear be so indiscriminate. There is a world of difference between a bowl of chicken and sweetcorn at the local Chinese restaurant and a tureen of Brown Windsor at a formal dinner.

One soup I have often found disturbing but never frightening is Baxter’s Country Vegetable. This is perhaps because it slides out of the tin in a solid mass making a squelchy sound as it does so and then it lies in the pan like a dollop of congealed sick. It is the most ugly, repulsive food ever devised. Tripe looks better. When actors have to throw up in films or on TV it is Baxters Country Vegetable they use. Don’t let anyone tell you actors don’t deserve the obscene fees they are paid. The never know when the script will call on them to regurgitate mouthfuls of cold Baxters Country Vegetable soup. And yet, to the best of our knowledge none has ever developed a fear of soup.

After scouring my memory I can honestly say the only soup that has ever made me feel truly apprehensive was the Skink (fish soup) at the Slingerbulten Restaurant in Stockholm. Yes it is a real restaurant or at least was in 1997.

The Slingerbulten Skink was a thick creamy soup, more like a chowder really, and it was not unusual to see eyes staring up at you from the surface. Not just staring but rolling around and blinking. Nobody ever dared think about what monsters of the abyss might be lurking in the murky depths of the bowl.

It tasted absolutely delicious though.

Hard as it is to imagine how somebody might become afraid of soup the poor woman from daytime TV deserves our sympathy. Never to know the satisfaction of dipping a lump of crusty bread into a steaming bowl of oxtail or lentil and bacon after a brisk walk on a cold day is sad enough but the thought of missing out on an opportunity to sample Slingerbulten skink is too sad to contemplate.

Having said that, the Slingerbulten skink did often induce bouts of sweating and breathlessness. The chef had a rather cavalier approach to seasoning.

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42 Days To Grow A Beard

There are people out there who think Boggart Blog is written by a bunch of anarchistic subversives who are soft on terror, soft on the causes of terror. Such slurs and other accusations that we are out to undermine the fabric of society are unfounded. We are as devoted to the rule of law as the next man, provided the next man is Osama Bin Laden.

But it has to be said Boggart Blog has consistently supported the Government in its war on terror, we have even highlighted the root cause of terror in British society, beards.

In keeping with our firm stance on beards we wish to state our full support for the government in their efforts to clamp down on beards, particularly the manufacture of beards by covert terrorist cells. It was we who dubbed the anti-terror law the I Don’t Like The Look Of You (IDLTLOY) law. We support those ministers calling for police to be given the power to bang up for 42 days without charges being laid, anybody they don’t like the look of or think might be involved in making beards, concealing beards, conspiring to make beards or who is in possession of equipment that could be used in the making of beards.

Locked in a cell for 42 days without shaving equipment, even the most cunning terrorist could not conceal the fact that he was capable of manufacturing a beard.

Do not be misled by liberals bleating about loss of civil liberties. We must never underestimate the threat posed to our democracy by beards of evil intent. Beards spread fear and panic among impressionable Daily Mail Readers and people who use them to achieve political aims cannot be tolerated.

Spread the word, but remember beards have ears. Be vigilant, watch out there’s a beard about. Britain is at war, support 42 days and shave for victory.

Allied forces neutralise beards of terror in Afghanistan. moreon the importance of controlling beards in the war on terror.

Institutional Pognophobia (Beards of Terror)

Following on from Boggart Blogs recent exclusives about The Threat To Our Way Of Life posed by beards of mass destruction we bring you more bleak news of the machinations of “evil doors, peplof Evelyn Tent, and ‘slamic tur-r-rists” as they continue to plot against the west.
In the latest display of their determination to bring to justice all the people involved in conspiring to grow beards or who are in possession of equipment that may be used in the growing of beards, security forces in Spain arrested two men waiting to boards a flight from Malaga to the U.K. because they were “speaking a foreign language that “could have been Arabic” (or equally could have been Welsh or even a Geordie accent,) wearing hooded jackets and having suspicious looking beards.
Isn’t it nice to know our security is in such capable hands?
I’m off to book a holiday – in Sacrborough.


Police Find Evidence of Beards In Hunt For Terrorists

Police revealed today that they have found important evidence in the homes of Asian men arrested in connection with the terror plot that never was. So far the authorities have declined to reveal the exact nature of this evidence but continue to deny allegations that the men were arrested because they had suspivious looking beards.
Boggart Blog however can confirm that all the suspected terrorists are now known to have been in possession of equipment that could be used in the growing of beards.

Allied Neutralise Afghan Terror Beards Allies score a rare success in the battle against beards of terror.

The Bearded Fire Ladies

Amsterdam’s retiring fire chief, Kees te Boekhorst, is urging his men to shave, saying moustaches project an outdate macho image of the service.
“They reinforce the stereotype image of an old boys’ club,” he said. The chief is retiring in July and will be replaced by a woman, Caroline van de Wiel.

The old fool obviously hasn’t noticed the changes in his department in the last couple of decades. If he had been head of the Athens Fire Department he might have had a point.