A Boggart Blog match report on yesterday’s F A Cup match between Arsenal and Blackburn Rovers.
When someone in the comments thread asked me a few weeks ago was it Boggart Blog that started the wicked rumour about Blackburn Rovers owners, Indian chicken packing company Venky’s, signing hapless mansger Steve Kean because they thought they were getting former Manchester United and Ireland star Roy Keane I could only reply that were Boggart Blog an American site I would have to plead the fifth amendment.
Kean’s nightmare did not come to an end there, Rovers team kept on running around like headless chickens, that fans kept barbecueing their season tickets and the Venky people contuinued to smile and insist everything was going to plan. When disillusioned supporters at the Ewood end dressed a chicken in Rovers colours and released it onto the pitch the bird turned in the best performance seen from anyone in a Rovers shirt all season.
Now with rumours rife that the famous old club is about to go into asdministration we hear Venky’s Chickens are expanding their product line. They’re trying to sell eleven turkeys.
Sports pundits are today reporting on sympathy among Premiership managers and coaching staff for beleagured Blackburn Rovers mananager Not Roy Keane.
“The fans never gave him a chance,” Owen Coyle, boss of nearby Bolton said.
‘Steve Kean is a terrific coach and manager. All you want is an opportunity, but he was never given one” said another Premiership boss who prefers not to be named but believed to be the manager of Ungrammatical Albion.
Ann Widdecombe said, “I might be crap at ballroom dancing and I’m not much of a looker but I could manage a football team better than Steve Kean.
John Terry said, “The game needs sorting out, we have to get rid of the ????? ????s. I feel sorry for Steve Kean, he’s a nice bloke even if he is a ??????? Jock.
The Rovers manager has been unpopular since he was brought in to replace the fans hero Sam Allardyce by the clubs new owners the Headless Chicken boys after they gained a controlling interest.
It seems the fans had the impression the Venky brothers thought they were getting ex Manchester United star Roy Keane rather than the unknown Steve Kean who spent most of his playing career in Alloa Athletic reserves.
It is thought this rumour was started by an anonymous commenter on the Lancashire Evening Telegraph sports blog. Now what kind of an evil twat would do such a thing … … … I’ll get me coat.
Boggart Blog does not often blog about football, ususally our sports reporting is confined to fatsally’s comments and analysis of the latest episodes from the Formula One Kindergarden soap opera as drivers throw toys out of the pram, crash their pedal cars into each other and scream when they are not getting attention.
Today is different however. And no we are not going to comment of the six – one thrashing of Manchester United by
the International Expensive All Stars Manchester City.
No, up here in Accrington we are more concerned with the declining quality of the pies at home games and the declining fortunes of Blackburn Rovers (in that order, one had to get one’s priorities right)
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CHICKEN screamed the message on one fan’s banner as fans tried to arouse to action the club’s newish owners, a couple of headless chicken billionaires from India. The chicken boys seem to be nice blokes but just as unaware as their team manager that the objective of the game is not to sell samosas and tandoori chicken but to score more goals that the other team.
Week after week the other team score more goals than Blackburn and the chicken boys sit nodding and smiling through post match interviews, saying everything is going nicely to plan and they have absolute confidence in the manager, Steve Kean.
Unfortunately the fans don’t. Such is the frustration of the supporters with Kean he now has to be accompanied by a couple of very large guys in black suits even when sitting in the dugout. As Indian businessmen are not noted for associating with the kind of people who wear Fedoras and work in the olive oil business we fear these heavies may be specially imported Jetti, the Indian strongmen whose party trick is to knock six inch nails through the skulls of anyone that pisses off the boss, using only their hand as a hammer.
Yes, things are that bad.
Although one ugly rumour circulating among supporters is that when the chicken boys hired Kean they thought they were getting former Manchester United and Ireland star Roy Keane the two men’s playing careers contrast widely.
1,000,000 first team appearances in the Premiership,
10,000 goals scored (well he was a defender)
50,000 International caps
1,000 opponents legs broken.
27 page three girls boffed (only 27, he was a happily married man and a good catholic)
(here we give details of the clubs involved even though you have never heard of them)
85 – 87 Celtic, no first team appearances(4 while on loan to Swansea)
87 – 88 Alloa Athletic, 1 first team appearance
88 – 91 Academica Coimbra, 88 first team, appearances, 16 goals
91 – 2 Bath City, 10 first team appearances, 1 goal
93 – 4 Newbury Town, 21 first team appearances, 4 goals
After this Kean joined Leebotwood and Hope Bowdler Albion of the South Shopshire Amateur League as junior team coach before becoming assistant manager for Fulham and then Coventry. One day he turned up at the Blacburn Rovers ground looking for a lift back to Glasgow. When the chicken boys heard his name was Kean they immediately sacked the competent but dull Sam Allardyce and offered the managers job to Steve.
Clearly things are very wrong at Blackburn Rovers and if the chicken boys think things are going to plan they are more clueless than their manager who could not even get a regular place in the Newbury Town first team. Unless of course the plan is to shut down the club and turn Ewood Park into a chicken farm.
Oh woe. Blackburn Rovers lost again. After only two games of the new season relegation is staring my local team in the effing face.
The problems seem to stem from the club’s new owner, a pre packed poultry billionaire.
He has not brougt in any new players or a competent manager and the team are running round like headless chickens.
(let’s see how many variations of that joke I can work in over the next few months 😀 )
You will all have had your memories refreshed regarding SuBo of Britain’s got an X Factor, as her debut album has gone straight to number one with the highest number of pre-sales ever recorded by Amazon.
What happens if, when the punters get their copy, they don’t like it? Do they send it back and then the record is expunged from the annals of both the music industry and Amazon?
But I digress from today’s ground-breaking report. Well not quite cos the story was in one of the Screaming Redtops during the week, but not as reported by our specialist feline correspondent, Hamish Ratcatcher, and also not featuring comments direct from the cat’s mouth.
According to SuBo, despite her second bout of new found fame, and a makeover, and some digitally enhanced photography by the looks of things, making her look much more genteel shall we say, than the image that prompted the nation’s tabloids to dub her The Hairy Angel, she will not be moving out of her council house in Blackburn, West Lothian.
But why not girl?
Sheena Easton was a wee Scottish lassie with a good voice, she got on a programme that was sort of like a fore-runner of BGTXF, something with Esther Rantzen I think, it was a long time ago, cut a record which went into the top 10, helped, obviously, by the publicity from the prog and then upped sticks to live in luxury, warmth and eternal sunshine out on the west coast of the U S of A. Surely that would be better than a reasonably cool and probably quite damp abode in darkest West Lothian?
Here’s for why, Subo says Pebbles the cat would hate to live somewhere posh. Has she asked Pebbles the cat we wondered, and despatched Hamish Ratcatcher off to the land of the skirling wilt to get the true story from Pebbles his/herself.
HR: Good afternoon Pebbles, it’s great to catch up with you again. Last time we met you were enjoying life in the Priory, but you have returned to Scotland with Su, your owner.
Peb: Returned to Scotland with mah owner, mah arse, ah were catnapped. Ah had a nice little thing goin’ down there, y’know what ahm sayin’?
Ah was living in the lap o’ luxury, smoked salmon, clotted cream, manicured gardens – the feline equivalent of Andrex that is, soil turned every day all loose and fine, bliss, y’know what ahm sayin’?
Even the vermin were top notch, well spoken, flea free and wormless.
And then ah was catnapped! Jus’ strolling along the corridor when one of they nursey type people scoops me up, puts me in a box and the next thing ah know ah’m on the next train back tae Scotland.
Still ah have to say, the old girl is looking a lot better since ah’ve been back, ah think she was letting hersel go a bit, y’kow what ahm sayin’? Ah had to fight my way through the empty gin bottles to get tae the back door, y’know what ahm sayin’?
HR: Indeed, Pebs. Now Ms Boyle says she won’t be moving out because you would hate to live somewhere posh…
Peb: Ah she’s a bit batty sometimes! Ah nivver said ah wouldnae want tae live somewhere posh.
Ah’ve got these brochures here, seems there’s some property in Dubai that’s goin’ a bit cheaper.
Mind ah’m not quite sure about the cuisine, is that where they eat sheep’s eyeballs, d’ya know? Ah can eat mice eyeballs cos you just eat up all the head like but ah don’t know if ah could cope with just eyeballs.
But ah have heard caviar is very nice, ah wouldn’t mind trying some of that, y’know what ahm sayin’?
An’ it would be nice to have a bit more room too, more space tae ourselves see. Ah know she’s supposed to be good at singin’ but ah think ah could give her a few tips, if only she’d ask. That Jedward person, ah liked him, ah thought he sung beautifully, ah would a let him sit on a back fence and serenade the local totty with me anytime, ah would.
See Jedward, he’s got the right idea, he won’t be hanging about in wherever it was, he’ll be off mixing with the stars, chauffeured limousines and sauteed langostines, champagne for breakfast, especially at Tiffany’s.
In fact if the old bat refuses to move ah may very well get in touch with that Jedward, even if he has got two heads.
HR Well thank you Pebbles. Hopefully we’ll be hearing from you again.
Meanwhile, back to the blog,
Hamish Ratcatcher, Boggartblog in Blackburn, West Lothian.