Peta’s High Horse Not Given Much Chance By The Bookies

Well, the Boat Race is safely behind us, no unhinged upper class twits got through the cordons of Marines patrolling the Thames after last year’s very unhinged class warrior’s antics, so now we’re into that other hotbed of controversy in the sporting calendar Already PETA are claiming that the races are cruel and exploitative of dumb animals, with many animals suffering injury and death in this most cold blooded of sports events, those that don’t make the grade being killed and their carcasses finding their way into the human food chain… oh wait, me that got it wrong, they’re not talking about the Grand National steeplechase, they’re talking about….. Pigeon Racing!

They could definitely be barking up the wrong tree here, whilst followers of the gee gees claim that the horses enjoy the jumps, admittedly probably moreso when they have shed their 9 stone burden along with his whip, as loose horses frequently continue to race and jump the hurdles until they get bored, oughtn’t PETA to be focusing on the fact that the people who breed and keep racing pigeons are known as “pigeon fanciers”. All they need to show is that one James Saville used to keep pigeons, visited lofts kept by other Radio 1 dee-jays and was allowed unsupervised access to young pigeons and the sport will be closed down in a matter of weeks.

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Elitist Protest Against Elitism

Privately educated elitist Trenton Oldfield (Who TF calls their kid Trenton except an elitist?) has been identified as the knobhead who stopped the university boat race by swimming in front of the boats yesterday.

Trenton claimed he was protesting against elitism. He said he sees himself as a latter day equivalent of the suffragetter who threw herself in front of the King’s horse in The Derby back in that early 20th century.

Not a good comparison, the suffragettes were trying to get voting rights for half the population, Trenton was trying to get his fifteen minutes of fame.

And of course the suffragette died, Trenton didn’t. You may say this was the most unfortunate thing about the incident, we could not possibly comment.

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Lord Snooty And His Pals begin Their Conference

Gentlemen, Grab Your Oars

Following Saturday’s rather dull and processional University Boat Race Boggartblog has learnt that the organisers have turned to F1 impressario Bernie Ecclestone for suggestions on how to spice up the racing.

Suggestions from Bernie include:

Floodlighting the course and holding the race at 8pm as opposed to 4pm.
Having the extra weight of headlights and running lights on the boats would also add extra weight, which could lead to imbalance and possible capsizing.

Developing a grooved oar, designed to give the paddles less traction in the water, thus slowing the boats slightly.
It would be compulsory to use both types of oar during the race, meaning that at some point the initial set of oars would have to be removed from the rollocks and stowed on board and the second set unstowed and installed. This should lead to a slower section for each of the crews as they complete this task and could lead to a shake up in the running order depending on when each crew chose to change their oars.

Banning refuelling for the crews, i.e. no isotonic drinks, no energy bars, not even a banana to be taken on board to be consumed during the race.
Any crews caught breeching this order would be liable to a 10 second stop/go penalty or forced to the bank to carry their boat for 25 yards.

Having a spinkler system to add wetness onto some of the corners… what? they run it on a river? That’s a bloody stupid idea…. no wait, now I come to think of it…..