Best Headline Of The Day Is From The Daily Mail

OK, those of you who feel you must throw a hissy fit at any mention of The Daily Mail can fuck the fucking fuck off, now. This story amused me.

Russian Nikolaev Bolloxov recovering in hospital after his ordeal

Married TV actor wakes up to find his testicles have been STOLEN after he is drugged in Russian bar by attractive blonde working for organ traffickers

Actor Dmitry Nikolaev, 30, was chatted up in a bar by a blonde who approached him after a performance and asked if she could buy him a drink .

He said she flirting with him then invited him to a sauna, and though he was married, he agreed to go with her.

They kissed and had some more beer and after that the actor remembers nothing,’ Moscow police said.

He woke up next day at a bus stop, feeling acute pain, and with blood on his trousers. Later in hospital, he was told that his testicles had been removed and that ‘it was done like proper surgery by someone with a medical education’. The operation was conducted in a ‘skillful way’, said police, who believe his beer was spiked by an unknown drug.

Now I have in my time explained away love bites and scratches on my back to Mrs. T, but I think even the most experienced philanderer would have trouble persuading his wife the absence of bollocks was due to a bizarre gardening accident

And my other question is who the fuck would buy a pair of second hand bollocks?
Read more at The Daily Mail:

Memories of Brown The Clown

A wonderful moment during campaigning for the Newark by election yesterday, when Labour deputy leader Harriet Harperson and Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls (the very fat man who waters the workers’ beer) had an uncofortable encounter with a working class woman who just wanted to get on with her shopping.
Sorry, the embed script for the video is in javascript which this blog doesn’t like. Here’s a link if you want to se the moment.


In a scene painfully reminiscent of Gordon Broon’s accidental encounter with a working class person in Rochdale back in 2010, the woman spoke to Hattie but wanted nothing to do with Mr. Bollocks. After she has snubbed his attempt to shake her hand, Ed clearly wants to say “Racist bigot” and his expression tells us he found the experience of meeting a working class person as distasteful as Labour leader Ed Miliband found his bacon sandwich experience.

With the Lib Dems already dead in the water, the way Labour and the Tories are going UKIP will not even need to campaign for next years general election.

Bollocks Is As Bollocks Does

Anyone hear the Labour Shadow chancellor Mr. Bollocks talking bollocks on the Andrew Marr show this morning? Apparently Mr. Bollocks thinks the way to solve our problems is to raise taxes for “the rich”, erase the deficit by printing shitloads more money.

“Ed Balls has rejected claims that Labour’s pledge to bring back the 50p top rate of income tax is part of an “anti-business agenda” in the party.

The shadow chancellor said it was a “fair” measure to be used while Labour reduced the “huge” deficit it would inherit if it won the 2015 election.”

Would that be almost exactly the same huge deficit as the coalition inherited from Labour when they took power in 2010?

Bollocks also said the coalition had failed to get to grips with the deficit and Labour would take a different approach to reducing the budget. Was he talking bollocks again? Well the only thing we have seen from Labour that even faintly resembles a policy for dealing with inflation are the hints that pensions and savings of ordinary people might be raided to fund “action on climate change to save the planet.” (see Little Nicky Machiavelli today for more on the climate scam)

As UK Loses AAA Credit Rating, Labour Celebrates For The Wrong Reasons

the Shadow Business Secretary in Ed Miliband’s team, Chuka Ummuna (what’s an ummuna and how far can he chuck one?), can hardly contain his glee while Ed Balls, looking more like Jabba The Hutt every time we see him and talking bollocks as per usual, chortles merrily about the failure of the Coalition’s austerity measures which have resulted in Britain’s AAA credit rating being downgraded.

“For a Chancellor who placed such great store on what the ratings agencies say, this downgrade is hugely embarrassing,” Ummuna tweeted yesterday. This morning balls was on television banging on about the only way out of the economic crisis being to increase public spending rather than cutting it.

Both these men are products of our university system and if you wanted reasons for shutting down universities there could not be two better than this pair.

Senior Labour MPs, in their rush to claim total victory in the long-running argument about the best way to stimulate economic growth, have not bothered to read the Moody’s report in full.

Far from admonishing the Chancellor for cutting “too deep, too fast” (as Mr. Bollocks put it), the credit ratings agency criticises him for the slower-than-expected “pace” of “deficit and debt-to-GDP reduction”, “mounting debt levels” and failure “to reverse the debt trajectory” set in motion by the last government. Most pointedly, the agency threatens to downgrade Britain even further if the Chancellor shows any signs of a “reduced political commitment to fiscal consolidation”.

In other words the downgrade is not an indictment of The Coalition’s economic policies but their failure to do enough to reverse Labour’s tax and spend loonytoons economics.

CAlm Down Dears – Cammers Isn’t Man Enough To Be Sexist

In one of the most bizarre comments to come out of the Labour Party conference Yvette Cooper (Mrs Bollocks) has said David Cameron is losing support among female voters who are increasingly angry at his sexist manner and policies.

Mrs Bollocks, main rival to her hubby Ed Bollocks in the race to thow Ed (Bluebottle) Miliband under a train suggested the Coaliton was increasingly out of touch with women and the issues that matter to them which in the perception of leading Labour feminists are gay rights, free drugs for chavs and a 1 million per cent testicle tax on men’s earnings.

She also told the Labour conference in Liverpool that Mr Cameron’s public persona was increasingly putting off female voters. She highlighted an incident in the Commons in April, when the Prime Minister dismissed Angela Eagle, a Labour MP, by saying “Calm down, dear”.

Miss Cooper has emerged as a potential future candidate for the Labour leadership after assured performances admired by party members. After this outburst Cameron will be pushing her for the Labour leadership too.

RELATED POSTS:
Zombie Economy

Mouse Scientists Reinvent The Wheel (Again)

Having established a reputation as the world’s foremost journal of mouse science for reporting the ingenious ways scientists find of wasting taxpayers money by doing mouse related experiments in the hope of gaining insight into human behaviour we are now expanding into the area of snack science.

In the highly specialised field of mouse science many of the experiments conducted using mice involve training the mice to earn snacks by learning to press buttons with their nose but we have now become aware this mouse snack science is a different technique with a different goal to that of, to use recent examples, feeding mice lots of fry ups in an attempt to find a way of guaranteeing Daily Mail readers offspring are all child prodigies or of giving mice mobile phones in an experiment aimed at developing a technique for slowing the progress of Alzheimer’s disease. The conclusions of these experiments are that pregnant Daily Mail readers should exist on a diet of full English breakfasts from the local Greasy Spoon and that people genetically predisposed to develop dementia should spend more time on their cellphones taking to mice.

We have also covered a story about scientists who claim to have grown human sperm in mouse testicles. While the experiment might go some way towards countering the efforts of agri-business to stop human sperm growing in human bollocks we are not sure the breakthrough would have any practical value. Given the obsession of human males with size it is hard (oops, pardon) to imagine there would be many men up for having a pair of mouse bollocks in their undercrackers instead of the more usual walnut sized tackle that populates their scrotum.

The latest breakthrough for mouse science has been achieved by fusing mouse science techniques with snack science, the best know example of which is Pavlov’s Dogs. Like the mouse fry – ups experiment it promises to be of great benefit to the kind of gullible, upwardly mobile cretins who imagine they are posh because they eat mung beans.

Take up running and you will become more intelligent and do better in your chosen career, increasing your social status and earnings potential. Using a combination of mouse science and snack science researchers have shown that running round a little wheel in pursuit of a snack they can never reach makes mice more intelligent. Their little brains actually grow more tissue.

Having run the mice round little wheels for a considerable time the researchers then subjected the rodents to a classic test on mouse intelligence, that of giving them the chance to earn a snack by pushing a button with their nose. Running mice were quickly identified as better at earning snacks than couch potato mice. When our special mouse science correspondent Thom Catt put spoke to project leader Dr. Di Luzien that maybe the couch potato mice simply could not be arsed with snacks having not burned off loads of calories running round a wheel Dr. Di Luzien replied, “You’re clearly not a scientists and you don’t understand science.”

Thom was a bit miffed at this as his family understand mice better than anybody have been studying them for several hundred millennia.

The most striking part of the experiment is that while claimed to be as the cutting edge of mouse science, snack science and neuroscience it appears to confirm the work carried out by Hatha Yoga exerts five thousand years ago which proved that increasing the oxygen intake (by controlled breathing in the case of Yoga, but fair play to them, the wheel had not been invented) improves brain function and increases intelligence.

When it was put to Dr. Di Luzien that her team had at great expense simply reinvented the wheel by discovering something that was known already she replied that if it helped people become more intelligent it was worth every penny and that when people saw her intelligent mice they would understand the importance of science done scientifically by scientists and not listen to people like Boggart Blog who just try to get cheap laughs by ridiculing important research work.

To which our reporter Thom Catt, having eaten all the evidence of intelligent mice replied smugly:

“If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you but when the seagulls follow the trawler is it because they think little fishes will be thrown in the sea. Have you produced any mouse philosophers yet?”

Start Running And Watch Your Brain Grow

Gender Testing For Athletes – What A Load Of Bollocks

First we must congratulate the slim and petite Jenny Meadows on winning a bronze medal in the women’s’ 800 meters at the Athletics World Championship. Jenny’s success, a triumph of perseverance and determination after coaches had written her off as too delicate to compete in an event like the 800m at the highest level, is all the more notable as it came in a race that involved people with beards and quite possibly bollocks. The race was won by the 18 year old South African wonderboy Caster Semenya who looks like a bloke, talks like a bloke, runs like a bloke and has a beard.

Semenya, who has the shoulders and thighs of a Rugby prop forward, as well as a barrel chest, neck like a bull and hips that continue down in a straight line from his/her ribcage has been suspect for some time partly perhaps because (s)he runs in exceedingly copious shorts of a style that could easily have an inbuilt cache sexe and thus be termed “sausage smugglers.”

The concealment of meat and two veg is not necessarily down to tailoring however, certain performance enhancing drugs are know to result in testicular atrophy and you only have to mention a trophy to competitive types for them to ignore warnings of possible side effects.

Inevitably Semenya (is there a clue in the name, we think so, ya!) has come in for some media attention though as far as we know none of the tabloids have asked him to “get yer tits out for the boys.” We must once again congratulate the 57 old farts who run international sport for not dealing with this problem long before the first heats were run. Now the final has taken place and the medals have been awarded the matter cannot be concluded without controversy. Once again official claims to be “cleaning up athletes are made to look risible when runners with bollocks and beards are allowed to compete in womens’ events.

But are we being unfair? Should we give this young athlete the benefit of the doubt?

One commentator writing in The Guardian, tOOK the politically correct line saying:
Incidentally it really really hurts to have your gender questioned – and its shocking that this story hasn’t hit the headlines as a story about the crappy and unsportsmanlike practice of gender checking.

Right, so when the 100m runners decide they are never going to beat Usain Bolt and all turn up in full drag claiming they are women we should just take their word for it? O.K.

RELATED POSTS:
Olympic Bollocks And The Saga Of Dora’s Dong More testicle related shenaneghins at past Olympics.

South African Athlete Faces Gender Testing

How To Fail A Gender Test
the International Amateur Athletics Federation (IAAF) has called into question whether South African … the IAAF announced that Semenya will have to undergo gender testing . In 2006, another female athlete competing at the Asian Games …

Gender Testing In Sport
We take a politically incorrect approach at Boggart blog as you’d expect from a comedy blog, but the issue of men competing as women goes back a long way beyond the saga of Caster’s (alleged) codlings…

RELATED POSTS:
World Champion Losers
Olympic Leg – acy

More humour every day at Boggart Blog.

Talking Bollocks

We all know and love the weekly ritual of Prime Ministers Question Time in Parliament. You know the drill, David Cameron stands up and asks of Gordon Brown: “Does the Right Honourable Gentleman agree that he is a bastard and furthermore that his party are a bunch of bastards?”

To which Gordon Brown replies: “My Right Honourable colleague the leader of the opposition is mistaken as usual. To see what a bunch of bastards looks like he only needs to look over his shoulder.”

The thought of looking over his shoulder at the serried ranks of regicidal Tory MPs must make Cameron feel much as Julius Caesar did on his way to The Forum on the Ides of March.

Other than that we do not generally hear much about Question Times in Parliament but they have lots. Yesterday for example was Health Question Time and a junior minister, Ann Keen stepped up to the oche ready to face the slings and arrows of outraged Tories. The first question called concerned testicular cancer. This obviously required a delicate touch but Ms Keen fielded it deftly and widened the discussion to take in sexual dysfunction and prostate cancer too.

Parliament is heavily weighted in favour of men as the whiney faction of feminists never tire of telling us. There is nothing make politicians like better than talking bollocks so you might think talking bollocks about bollocks would be right up their street. Strangely there were few members (oops, pardon!) willing to talk bollocks about their own bollocks, bollocks in general or any of the many complaints that afflict male wedding tackle but that we are too shy and retiring to see a doctor about.

The debate on this very sensitive topic did not really get started and was would up with a simple statement that cancers of the crown jewels can be cured if diagnosed early enough. But that would involve going to the doctor to talk about your bollocks…

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Just a reminder that as it is Glastonbury this weekend lots of our old posts on subjects that come up again and again are now online at Greenteeth Multi Media. Like This one for examplr: FESTIVAL!

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

Olympic Bollocks and Dora’s Dong

Olympic officials in Beijing have taken delivery of a new, ultra – sophisticated, super-duper and hugely expensive gender testing laboratory. Amid accusations being flung by rival coaches and national governing bodies it is feared that more female gold medallists than ever will actually be blokes.
Despite the moustaches being a dead giveaway the testing centre will be equipped with state of the art medical equipment for looking at hormones, DNA and chromosomes.
Fatsally and I could have saved them a fortune. The simple trick is to ask athletes to drop their pants and then look for the bollocks.

One of the most famous examples of cross-dressing competitors, the Dora’s Dong incident, happened during the 1936 Olympics. Hitler, determined to prove the supremacy of the Ayrian race, persuaded a mediocre male high jumper named Hermann to become Dora Ratjen. Supremacy at what we wonder? Being drag queens. Anyway the sad story of Dora Ratjen deserves to be told if only as a warning to others. Noted among fellow competitors for her deep voice, manly build and refusal to get changed in front of the other women, Dora emerged as a contender for the gold medal in the months before the games.
In the event she could only manage fourth place and no medal. The cause of the failure is not noted but in those days the favoured style was to roll face down over the bar rather than flipping over backwards so the most credible theory was that Dora’s Dong kept nudging the bar off its supports as she went over.
We wouls like to report a happy ending but after the games Dora was pursued by the world’s press and eventually discovered working as a waiter. Dora’s true identity as Hermann and his manhood ware then revealed to much mockery. He died a few months later of indecent exposure.

RELATED POSTS:
Gender Testing For Athletes – What A Load Of Bollocks. From Dora’s Dong to Caster’s Codlings, testicular concealment is nothing ne in athletics.

If You Don’t Think The Turner Prize Is Shite You’re Talking Bollocks

Amid claims that class distinctions are what define British Society, an intriguing theory was put forward at the weekend. In view of the fact most of us are not in the class we think we are because we have no idea what makes anybody working class or middle class anymore, one writer thought our individual opinion of The Turner Prize contenders would reveal our true class.
If we think the shortlisted entries are witty, ironic and thought provoking, the theory goes, then we are middle class. If on the other hand we think the entries are shite (literally sometimes) we are working class.
This does not work for me and Daily Mail Readers will be up in arms. But if we leave the gutter press out of it and look through a critic’s eye at two leading entries, it becomes clear that though the theory might be onto something, its conclusions must be re-evaluated.

Two of the top contenders this year are a 150 minute video of a man walking around a big, empty room while dressed in a dodgy bear suit and another big empty room with a plank on the floor.

Now the bloke in the bear suit could be a witty and ironic post-modern statement about how modern man, detached by the social structures of the post-industrial world and divorced from the shamanic origins of his spirituality feels alone and alien in a life he no longer has control over.

Or it could simply state that the fancy dress hire shop had run out of pirate, Superman and gorilla suits.

A third, even more ironically radical possibility is that the installation reminds us the linear nature of time is a human delusion, the bear has entered 2007 through a timewarp and is looking for a can of Hofmeister.

The plank is even more fascinating, its title, threshold suggests we may see it as a boundary we cross at our peril, a threshold we must cross in order to achieve a higher state of being or as the symbolic doorstep we trip over as we look around the installation for some nice impressionist landscapes.

These works then show us that the discerning eye sees modern art not as painting and sculpture, works which use line, texture and form interacting with light to communicate ideas, but as ideas themselves. It is not the bear suit or the plank that express the idea but the artist’s ability to talk bollocks about it in order to get money.

So the case is resolved. Our attitude to The Turner Prize does indicate our class status, if you think this stuff is shite then you are clearly middle class but if you appreciate the art of talking bollocks to get money then you are working class. Talking bollocks to get money is a skill the working class perfected twenty years ago, after Thatcher’s government abolished proper jobs.