Bugger Barak Obama – it’s Bonfire Night

Yes bugger him, you wouldn’t be the first as an American friend of mine reminded me a little while ago. We have heard enough of him and of course could have our viewing or listening interrupted at any moment by those dreaded words “we interrupt this programme to go over to the newsroom…

Last week I posted a blog on how Health and Safety pokenoses are homing in on halloween and had a wonderful exchane with fatsally in the comment thread.

Nobody reads comments so here it is in the main blog for everyone to enjoy.

fatsally said:

Must mention the 1960’s health and safety warnings, mostly issued on Blue Peter, although I guess if your family was poor and you couldn’t afford the licence fee, Magpie sent out the same messages.

1. Never hold a lit firework in your hand…throw it at one of your mates as soon as the blue touchpaper is alight.

2. Never return to a lit firework…. but if you are the rcipient of a lit firework then do return it to sender pretty sharpish.

3. Always check under the bonfire before lighting it, hedgehogs may have used it to hibernate… if they have, remember to enfold them in clay before returning to the bonfire, by the time the fire is down to the embers they will be just right with those baked potatoes.

4. Always keep pets indoors on bonfire night… it’s a bugger when Shep goes haring off and catches the lit banger in his mouth…Put it down, Shep…ooops.

ian replied:

That’s Blue Peter health and Safety, but did you have to tell everyone we were posh enough to have a TV licence? Not having one never stopped people watching ITV in those days though, they figured quite logically that if they never watched BBC they didn’t have to pay. And some got away with it for years; databases didn’t exist then (the secret technology in those dectector vans was only ever a computer printout folks)

So, forget Blue Peter, here’s 1960s street Health and Safety rules:

1. Never hold a lit fitrework in your hand, get the stupid kid to do it.

2. Never return to a lit firework, say to the stupid kid “go and have a look if that whizz-bang is still lit”.

3. Before lighting the fire always check under it to make sure the tramp who was living in it has passed out from drinking the meths he bought with the firework money you gave him.

4. Always keep pet’s indoors on bonfire night except for the tortoise / gerbil / hamster you plan to launch into space.

READ Boggart Blog’s defence of traditional Guy Fawkes Day celebrations

And check out what happened when blogger Guido Fawkes organised a walkabout for Guys in Parliament Square.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog, part of Greenteeth Multi Media .

Happy Health And Safety Halloween

Once upon ye tyme in daze of yore (bit of nostalgic atmosphere creation there) Halloween was just an American substitute for bonfire night. America could not have Guy Fawkes night you see on account of not having a King for conspirators to plot to blow up. Halloween was as American as Pecan Pie and Hot Dogs, a party night when children could dress up and eat sweets until their eyes bulged. (Guy Fawkes Night tradition )

As in most things Britain has been railroaded by capitalism’s pursuit of ever increasing profits and world domination. Bonfire night was too cheap, there was not enough money to be made from people lighting fires to burn old rubbish and standing around eating baked potatoes, roast chestnuts and home made treacle toffee. Chestnuts could be had for free if you knew where to look, ingredients for treacle toffee were a few basics and a tin of molasses and Potatoes were cheap as chips. That was back in the days when elephants were sevenpence for twenty of course. The only money spinner was the annual sale of fireworks and that was small beer compared with sales of costumes, masks, make up and sweets across the Atlantic. Perhaps we could start a new bonfire night and burn an effigy of globalisation?

Trick or treat was not in the same league for fun opportunities as Guy Fawkes night, preparations for which started in the long summer holiday. First job was forming a conspiracy as the neighbourhood children split into groups and planned their strategy to build the biggest bonfire of “bonnie.”

Soon on selected sites piles of rubbish started to grow, scrap wood, old furniture, cardboard packaging, anything that would burn. As the day neared and competition became more intense the conspiratorial element of bonfire building emerged. Raiding rival piles was common so guards had to be mounted while raids on rival fires were planned and organised. It was not uncommon the see and entire ten or fifteen foot high pile of rubbish moving along a street propelled by a multitude of little legs that protruded from the bottom.

In the final week before the night of conflagration, in addition to guarding the fire and final frenetic efforts to enlarge it there was a Penny-For-The-Guy effort to be considered.

In order to be successful at raising money for fireworks by begging “penny for the guy please” from people passing your pitch the first requisite was a Guy – the effigy of Guy Fawkes to be burned on the fire. Most Guys were fairly simple, an old shirt or sweater and a pair of trousers stuffed with newspaper, straw or old clothes created a vaguely human form. This was topped by a pumpkin, mangol wurzel or burst football adorned with a Guy Fawkes mask as a head.

One year my friends and I were particularly creative. We took the smallest boy in our gang, a skinny little lad called Alan Jones put him in an adult’s sweater and trousers stuffed with paper to get the shapelessness right, made up his face with talc, greened by adding the kind of paint used in kindergarten, drew bright red blobs on the cheeks with lipstick and added a moustache and goatee beard with eyeliner begged from somebody’s elder sister, stuck him in an old pram and set up our pitch on a busy shopping street.

It was going well, people were highly amused by our lifelike guy who winked at them and said Thank You for contributions of sixpences and shillings. Unfortunately the scheme came unstuck when one mean and humourless, literally minded old man actually gave us a penny.

“Tight fisted old bugger,” said our guy. Not long after a police officer moved us along after we had been given a lecturing on respecting our elders. how unfair was that? I am sure to this day the old man was not told off for not respecting his juniors.

In recent years the whole bonfire thing has been killed by health and Safety fascists.

Naked flames, can’t allow that say the Politically Correct police, people can be burned by flames. Big piles of burnable junk, absolutely not , they could collapse injuring people. The mere mention of fireworks is enough to give these hand wringing do-gooders an apoplectic fit. Put all these things together with simple pleasures like potatoes baked in their skins (WHAAAAAAT? Potato skins have been exposed to soil bacteria and may contain potentially dangerous pesticide residues.

The Politically Correct police and the forces of Corporate Darkness joined in one of those silent cabals. No agreements were ever made, no plots were ever plotted but they found their interests lay in the direction of downgrading bonfire night a) so that is could be properly supervised by bureaucrats and all the fun squeezed out of it because fun is bad for people and b) so that something more commercialised and profitable could take its place.

Well now that bonfires have to be licensed and firework sales are restricted naturally Halloween must come under scrutiny. It is not as much fun as Bonfire Night but it is fun and so must be properly monitored and controlled. The rot has already set in.

Going round ASDA which being Wal Mart owned has a very extensive range of American Halloween goodies, I noticed on goods in the section for stick on wounds and scars a warning on the packaging. THIS PRODUCT IS MADE OF LATEX AND MAY CAUSE ALLERGIC REACTION.

I imagine that if any parent picks p one of these novelties a health and Safety Inspector will leap out from behind the display and shout “SSSSTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP! Do you know that product is made from latex which some people are allergic to. Put that on your child’s skin and you may trigger an allergic reaction which could cause a mass of suppurating sores. Should these then become infected with an MRSA type flesh eating bacteria your child could DIE because you are a bad parent who did not heed health and safety warnings.”

So when you are shopping for the kid’s treats remember the Politically Correct Mantra: Safety first – fun nowhere.

This years superspooky halloween poem
Halloween fortnight by fatsally

Life saving is a risky business

Fear And Panic And HP Sauce

Bonfire Month, Halloween Fortnight

Bonfire month is upon us once again. Wasn’t Tony supposed to have done something about this? The local hoodies have been letting off fireworks for over two weeks now. Funny how the police never seem to notice the noise or the rockets lighting up the sky.
Then Mr. Fuckwit up the road has a firework party on Saturday for his daughter’s 10th birthday. Of course he doesn’t start letting off his fireworks until about 11pm, which is, as I’m sure you’ll all agree, an appropriate time for a 10 year old girl’s party.
Organised bonfires will be taking place on Friday 2nd, Saturday 3rd, Sunday 4th and Monday 5th November.
Then, of course, there will be some people who were away at the weekend as it is half term so they’ll probably have fireworks the weekend after.
It’s no wonder the gunpowder plot was discovered if poor old Guy was going down to the cellars and setting off a bit of gunpowder every night for a month.
Of course it’s not just the fireworks. Practically since the little darlings went back to school shops have been stocking up on witch, costumes, broomsticks and pumpkins. There were some children out trick or treating last weekend. The fact they didn’t have costumes and didn’t want a treat suggested to me that they were effectively demanding money with menaces, presumably to go and spend on fireworks which they can then let off on the rec or the slag heaps any day except November 5th.
Boggartblog readers I call on you to join us in reclaiming these traditional British celebrations, anybody caught with a firework on any day but Nov. 5th should have it shoved where the sun don’t shine and when the little bastards ring that doorbell and threaten you with the crazy string just shower them with flour and eggs, then dunk their heads in a bucket of cold water and explain that it’s called apple bobbing.

New humour every day from Boggart Blog