How Drunken Monkeys Climed The Evolutionary Tree

drunken monkey

Alcohol was thought to have been first brewed by Neolithic farmers around 9,000 years ago when northern Chinese villagers made the happy discovery that fruit and honey could be fermented into an intoxicating liquor.

But new evidence suggests our ancestors had become accustomed to drinking nearly 10 million years before. So ignore those hand wringing, moanie – moanie fuddy – duddies and their ‘three thimblefuls a week makes you an alcoholic’ shit. If it wasn’t for booze we’d still be swinging around in trees. Booze culture is evolutionary

Anthropologists are now turning to the view that when primates left the trees and began walking on two feet they also started scooping up mushy, fermented fruit which was lying on the ground. And over time their bodies learned to process the ethanol present and their minds learned the meaning of “It’s party time.”.

 A team at Santa Fe College in the US studied the ADH4 gene  which enables us to produce an enzyme to break down alcohol in the body. Do not make the mistake of thinking this is linked to ADHD, ADH4 actually stands for Alcohol Deficiency Hopelessness 4 gene which is not present in miserable fuckers who never have a drink. Any primates unable to digest the fermented fruits would have died before passing on their genes, but those who could would have passed the drinking gene on to their offspring.

It was hypothesised that the booze metabolising gene did not appear until alcohol was first produced by early farmers in Asia. But researchers were amazed to observe it 10 million years earlier, at the end of the Miocene epoch.

The findings could explain why tree-dwelling orang-utans still cannot metabolize alcohol while humans, chimps and gorillas all of which are more familiar with the ground through hitting it face first while rat – arsed, can. The lesson we learn fom this is never go for a drink with an Orang Outan, they’s either get aggressive and beat the crap out of you because they are ten times stronger than an adult human male, or they’ll throw up on you, pass out and you will have to carry them home because no cabbie will take them.

Other that that, and bearing in mind another recent study showed that alcohol related illness is overstated, far more cases in the liver disease ‘pandemic’ are due to doctors overprescribing paracetamol than has been acknowledged preciously, your Boggart Bloggers advise you to get ready for a great Christmas. BRING IT ON.

Read more on this Story:

Hominid ancestors beat humans to the drinks cabinet, say boffins

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GreatNews: Scientists Say Alcohol Makes You Smarter

Yes you read that headline right. Forget all those scientific studies by the smug, moralising scientists who work for Big Pharma and Big Government and will say anything so long as they are plied with hospitality (free drink, food, drugs and hookers) There are still some real, independent scientists out there doing real scientific research and coming up with results to gladden our hearts and piss off the Nanny State fascists. Findings like drinking booze makes us smarter.

Drinking alcohol may enhance a person’s problem solving skills, according to a new study.

Scientists in the USA, where the corporate / government anti alcohol fascist are even more entrenched than here, have found that men who either drank two pints of beer or two glasses of wine before solving brain teasers not only got more questions right, they also were quicker in delivering correct answers, compared to men who answered the questions sober.

OK, we all knew that. But it’s nice to have our wisdom confirmed instead of having some pointy headed geek telling us is we ever look at a bottle of beer a million squillion brain cells will die instantly. Alcohol does not increase intelligence but in sensible quantities it seems to make our brains work better.

The team responsible for this found that participants with a Blood Alocohol Content of 0.07 or higher solved 40 percent more problems than their sober counterparts and took 12 seconds to complete the tasks compared to 15.5 seconds by teetotal participants. (see report at Medical Daily)

While the latest findings go against the traditional beliefs that alcohol impairs analytical thinking and rational thoughts, lead author Professor Jennifer Wiley of the University of Illinois at Chicago discovered that alcohol may enhance creativity and problem solving skills. The latest study back up previous research which found a couple of drinks led to better analytical problem-solving performance.

Well I’m off to the pub guys, I’ll gert back to you tomorrow with the solutions for the debt crisis, world hunger and climate change – – – and a stupendous hangover.

Nanny State getting scarier than Nanny McPhee.

After the last general election we all heaved a sigh of relief, Nanny Harperson had been consigned to the opposition and we looked forward to being ruled by Liberals and those laissez – faire Tories who would be too busy stealing money off us to bother about our lifestyles.

The relef was shortlived. The liberals, wussy and limp wristed though they may be are whingeier than most politically correct Labour whinger and the Tories, instead of spending their leisure time visiting dominatrices in black walled dungeons around Chelsea and Maida Vale have taken up b&d themselves with us as their punters.

Today Dave, who might look as if he’s wearing a flesh coloured gimp mask but he isn’t – it’s his face, promised to do something about binge drinking. What is he going to do?

He’s going to put up the price of booze. This will hit all us moderate drinkers but will not affect the binge drinkers; they’ll just scam more benefits off us poor taxpayers.

Meanwhile the Politically Correct Thought Police (Booze Squad) have launched a propaganda initiative to warn us of the dangers of alcohol.

And they are pushing that discredited line that if you drink over the safe limit your liver will turn to strawberry jam, your face will go red and spotty, your penis or breasts will shrivel up and drop off and you will die before tomorrown dinner time.

Unfortunately we know the “safe limits” were made up by a government health adviser. And when he presented his made uip figures the govermemt at the time told him to halve it because they did not want people to put themselves at risk of having fun.

nannymcpheereturns-mv-27
Nanny State prepares to make binge drinkers sit on the naughty chair

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We Will Fight Them In The Offies

We told you so. Boggart Blog has always warned that one The Thought Police had succesfully demonized smoking they would start on alcohol.

Thanks to Dick Puddlecoate for posting this:

Yesterday, a now legendary anti-smoking mantra was rolled out, for the first time, against alcohol. Notice the similarities?
US Surgeon General Richard Carmona, June 2006
“There is no safe level of exposure to secondhand smoke.”

Professor David Nutt, March 2011
“There is no such thing as a safe level of alcohol consumption”

Using all the tricks laid out in the tobacco control template, the puritans are beginning to have a right old binge on drinkers.

Prof Nutt is right in a way. Nobody can say what any individusl’s limit is. But most of us are savvy enough to know that when we are lying in the gutter choking on our own vomit we should only have one more, two at the most. That said, the fact that some leftie last week was proposing a drinkers’ licence to control our out of control boozing habis and you see the nutty Prof. is not concerned with our health but with advancing an authoritarian agenda.

You may remember the jackboot wearing nutter Prof. Nutt is the nutcase who in 2009 wanted to make alcohol a classified drug like cannabis and heroin.

Only one this to say really as Our New Unhappy Lords line up ready to attack all our remaining freedoms and pleasures.

We shall fight them on the beaches;
We shall fight them in the streets;
We shall fight them in the public bar and in the lounge;
We shall fight them in the offices.

Because if we don’t, sixty years after our Dads and Grandads put their arses on the line for us, the Nazis will have won.

If I want to smoke or drink or gorge myself to death or shoot up heroin or jump off a mountain or try to swim the Atlantic or drive my car into a lake, whose fucking life is it? Alternatively I can choose to drink moderately, eat healthily (no low fat spread – the foods the fasists tell us are goo are the worst) and drive in a joyous but not reckless way. But I will always make my own choices. I do not need some cupid stunt like nutty Prof. Nutt or finger wagging nanny state to think for me.

We must tell these fascists to fuck the fucking fuck right off.

from The Secret People by G.K. Chesterton
(don’t confuse him with his very nasty descendant A.K. Chesterton)

They have given us into the hands of the new unhappy lords,
Lords without anger and honour, who dare not carry their swords.
They fight by shuffling papers; they have bright dead alien eyes;
They look at our labour and laughter as a tired man looks at flies.
And the load of their loveless pity is worse than the ancient wrongs,
Their doors are shut in the evenings; and they know no songs.

We hear men speaking for us of new laws strong and sweet,
Yet is there no man speaketh as we speak in the street.
It may be we shall rise the last as Frenchmen rose the first,
Our wrath come after Russia’s wrath and our wrath be the worst.
It may be we are meant to mark with our riot and our rest
God’s scorn for all men governing. It may be beer is best.
But we are the people of England; and we have not spoken yet.
Smile at us, pay us, pass us. But do not quite forget.

(I would have reproduced the whole poem but it is quite long)

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Everything They told You Is Bad For You Is Good For You

OK, you’ve seen stuff like this before, in fact fatsally did something quite similar here yonks ago, but I’ve been very busy. And anyway it will still make you laugh and help you feel less guilty.

Everything They Said Is Bad For You Is Good For You.
This week we have seen Call Me Dave running amok with his nudger as his cohorts, formerly Nanny State’s Politically Correct Thought Police and now Dave’s Nudger Wielders until we think of a better name, try to nudge us towards being better citizens, eating more shite and refusing things we like, drinking less booze, smoking less ciggies, avoiding dangerous sports like bowls and tiddleywinks, driving less miles in a less cavalier fashion and being less idle (unless of course being idle is the alternative to driving, boozing, eating or enjoying yourself by doing things the Thought Police do not like.

Well Boggart Blog has done its own scientific survey and found that we all do or have done all the things that are supposed to send people to an early grave and we are all still alive, doing things that are bad for you is good for you. Here are our main findings:

1. Drinking Booze…

Scientific evidence overwhelmingly shows moderate drinkers live longer than teetotalers.The recent Million Women Study in the UK, which looked at the link between drinking and cancer, revealed nondrinking women had a higher incidence of cancer than those women who had one drink a day. American researchers found men consuming two alcoholic drinks a day had a 36 percent less risk of developing diabetes.

As the old northern invocation goes, Gerrit downyer, it’ll do yer good.

2. Piling In The Calories…

There is a growing body of evidence that longevity is directly linked to plumpness. In a comprehensive study of weight and mortality, Dr Katherine Flegal from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the longest lived people on average were not thin but those who were overweight. This finding has been repeated in many other studies. Increases in overweight and obesity have been paralleled by falls in US mortality from coronary heart disease and stroke. And life expectancy continues to increase, despite the supposed increase in obesity.

3. Who’s Afraid Of The Fatty Foods

Research in the UK has found that high-fat cheeses, such as stilton, protect against tooth decay. They are also rich in cholesterol, vital to the production of hormones such as estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are. Cholesterol is also essential to the production of vitamin D, which regulates calcium levels. Forget what veggies tell you about their super – healthy diet. Studies published last year have show lean red meat is no worse for health than white meat and is the best source of essential vitamins, minerals and trace elements. As for whiite meat, it’s full of tryptophan, which raises the level of serotonin in the brain, which in turn reduces stress, improves mood, and improves sleep patterns.

As liberals we would not dream of discouraging vegetarians and vegans from pursuing such and unhealthy lifestyle. We do think information should be made available to warn them they may end up as rotten toothed, hormonally deficient, stressed out wrecks.

4. Chocolate Is Good For You…!!!

Few women need a scientist to tell them that chocolate boosts mood, activity levels, and even libido. Beyond that however scientists inform us that dark chocolate may also reduce risk of a stroke or a heart attack. American research published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Science found that cocoa, when consumed at doses equivalent to two dark chocolate bars per day for humans, significantly reduced chemical markers for heart disease in a group of lab animals on a high-fat diet.

5. Don’t Be Afraid To Slob Out…

The body uses rest periods, during sleep or while awake, to repair tissues and restore the immune system. American researchers have found that unrelieved stress can decrease one’s immunity by up to 40 percent. This leads some medical experts to the conclusion that time spent lazing around each day is a better way than exercise to ensure you live longer. In On the Joy of Laziness, Prof Peter Axt writes, ‘We always think we have to be doing something but doing nothing [ … ] could be better’.

Forget the vaccines then, slob out and eat some chocolate (stress lowers immune reactions.)

6. Walk Off Your Illness Or Depression…

A daily walk is almost certain to make one feel better than jogging or workouts at the gym. An article published in the International Journal of Clinical Practice found two dozen physiological ailments and psychological conditions that walking may help prevent.

7. All in the family…

Spending time with people one loves – assuming that includes family – can improve mental health and reduce stress levels. Psychologist Edward Diener’s research has found a very strong connection between research subjects’ unhappiness and their poor social life. Economist Andrew Oswald controversially theorises that better family relationships would be far better for societal well-being than a financially richer society.

8. Laughter Is Still The Best Medicine…

Whether it is a favourite TV programme, a film, a pet’s comical antics or a friends whose fooling is infectious, American researchers have found that laughter boosts one’s immune system, reduces tension and stress levels, exercises one’s heart, and releases feel-good hormones in the brain.

9. Keep In Touch With The Real World…

For most of us, our mood improves when we receive a letter, phone call or card from a friend or loved one. While research in Europe and America has shown addiction to new media and social networking has an isolating and stressful effect American research has found that the more face to face contact we have or the more we use traditional communication methods, the higher our self-esteem and the better our mental health.

10. Power of prayer…

It would be remiss of us, even as irreverent and politically incorrect as we are, to ignore a study recently published in the British Medical Journal that found the act of praying slows down one’s breathing rate and has a calming effect on the heart. In another study published in the same journal the findings showed that superstition and ritual do actually work, improving performances in tasks or sporting activities. So much for those sciencyheads who rail against ‘superstition and magical thinking.’

This is a cherrry picked list but it does serve to show that for every piece of ‘scientific’ advice we are given by The Thought Police, there is a contradictory study just begging to be publicized.

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Mouse Science Says Booze Is Good For You (alcohol benefits arthritis sufferers)

Now you know us, we Boggart Bloggers are sceptics through and through, especially when it comes to those branches of science such as mouse science, snack science ans monkey science that seem to exist for the sole purpose of telling us everything we enjoy is bad for us.

We suspect people involved in these branches of science are being paid by the government to soften us up for more taxes.

Boggart Blog is therefore always willing to welcome new developments from scientists prepared to go against the mainstream and challenge the orthodoxy and for that reason we are delighted to report on a new study by researchers as Sheffield University that shows booze slows the development of arthritis and mitigates some of its effects.

The report does not specify any particular type of booze but as red wine is known to be beneficial in preventing heart disease and is my drink of choice I’ll stick with it.

Now you might suspect a double standard here, you might think oh-ho, Boggart Blog dismisses as dodgy any science that tells them stuff they enjoy is dangerous but approves of science that endorses what they like.

Not so, we happen to know this research has been carried out thoroughly and meticulously over a long period. Our esteemed co – author Cleo Hart spent three years at Sheffield studying the effects of alcohol on the human body. And in her spare time she earned a good degree in art.

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Alcohol Shock!

Well done to alcohol abuse charity Drinkaware for bringing this to the atttention of Boggart Blog readers. Apparently Drinkaware commissioned a survey of 1,000 people about drink problems and their booze consumption habits.

The results show 520,000 people go to work each day with a hangover.

Every day? Fuck me! That’s over half a million people who are having more fun than us. Or is it just another reminder that Big Brother is watching all the time?

For full story go to Booze Matters at Nanny Knows Best

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Money Fruit – It Grows On Trees

Hands up anyone who as a child or teenager was not told by their Dear Old Mum or Dad, “Money doesn’t grow on trees you know.”

One, two… two more over on the right and one at the back ready to make a quick exit if the debt collectors show up. I had no idea so many leading Labour politicians read our blog.

While Lib Dems Invisible Man Clegg and old shiny face Cameron have spent the past couple of weeks explaining why they will have to cut public spending if they get elected and furiously back-pedalling on earlier promises that their parties can reduce the deficit without cutting services Gordon Brown, who was not advised that money does not grow on trees was happily swanning about in his money tree orchard and telling the media how he would be handing out free laptop computers to “the needy” just as soon as he is granted another term in power.

With the nation already effectively bankrupt due to Gordon’s ability to delude himself that the money fruit he harvests from is orchard grows naturally on the branches of his trees rather than being pinned there by us compassionate taxpayers who do not want to traumatise the Prime Minister by stripping him of his delusions.

What Gordon hopes to achieve by using part of his money – fruit harvest to give laptops to the needy is unclear. The needy have more need of some cash to help with their meganormous fuel bills that a free laptop computer they will not be able to use because the electricity has been cut off. Perhaps when he says needy he means destitute.

In our experience there are two types of destitute people, the truly unlucky and the wasters and no – marks. The former could get a lot more benefit from a hot meal and a thick blanket. You can’t eat a laptop computer even if you boil it for a very long time, nor can you wrap it around yourself when huddled up in a doorway on a cold night. Wasters and no-marks on the other hand would be very happy to get a free laptop computer as they could take it down Cash Converters and hock it to get money for booze and drugs.

Gordon Brown is not the first Labour leader to believe money grows on trees however. The entire sub – species seem afflicted with the same problem. Perhaps they are predisposed to financial profligacy by something in their DNA. I know for a fact there is a gene that causes people to spend money they don’t have, my wife and daughter both have it. But even those wonderful people do understand that when you have emptied the bank account and maxed out the credit cards you have to stop. With Labour leaders the silly – spending gene leads to a belief that the only way to cure the problems caused by overspending is more overspending.

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We”re all going to die, WTF

Two items in yesterday’s news caught our eye. The first was good ol’ “Green” Gordon Brown’s pledge that he will give lot’s of our bankrupt nation’s hard earned to “developing nations to shield them from the effects of global warming while they continue to develop their baby making and carbon burning industries. Mr Brown justified this by saying if we don’t reverse climate change we are all going to die.

The second was that Parliament had backed a new scheme to curb increasing alcohol consumption on gounds that as we are all living longer and boozing more our geriatric cirhossised livers and other drink related problems will add £££billions to the nations health bill.

The curbing of alcohol comsumption is a ruse to stop us all wasting money on enjoying ourselves because the government know we will soon need every spare penny to pay our carbon taxes.

But if the government is serious about curbing our drinking habit they should stop promoting nihilistic despair by telling us we are all going to die of global warming, swine flu (remember that?) AIDS, bird flu, MRSA, e-coli, c-dofficile, manic depression, blocked arteries and whatever scare scams I have not mentioned.

It only makes people think, “I’m going to die, WTF, I’ll go out and get wankered.”

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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It’s All In The Name.

Remember how you used to snigger at the kids with the funny names and try to work out how they got them?

Xantia, tee hee, must have been conceived in the back of a Citroen.

Brooklyn, bridging the gap in a dodgy relationship.

Bobby-Bobby Jackie Peter Nobby Geoff, born anytime between summer ’66 and ’67.

No prizes then for guessing what the parents of twins Tia Maria and Jack Daniels had been up to before getting up close and personal.