Afghanistan, Financial Crisis, Climate Change – Forget it, Katie Price has quit the jungle.

Big news today is nothing to do with any of the major crises happening around the world, not with a government in meltdowm or the most frightening story, the one about new EU Prez. Van Rumpy Pumpy pledging to steer the union towards a system of global governance, a world government. You will not find that one reported anywhere in mainstream media although it is the news item thinking people should want to know about.

No, the big news today is that Katie Price, the slapper formerly known as Jordan has quit – ahem – “reality” television show I’m a celebrity, give me some wonga.

The return of Katie Price to the show’s line up (she first ate Kangaroo testicles a few years ago so must have a taste for them) was a surprise that had been trailered for a month before the show started.

The public always hates a shameless publicity seeker and by the time Katie arrived at base camp and the votes for who gets to eat worms, grubs, bollocks, eyeballs and shit began it was obvious the punters were going to give the pneumatic one a hard time. They had ben wound up to do so.

Day after day she was elected (more democratically than the EU President it has to be said) to stick her head in buckets of eel slime, cavort with rats (and we’re not talking about Joe Bugner there) crawl through caverns of cockroaches, shimmy with snakes and get covered in shit until finally, right on cue which proves she had read the script even if she has never read any of her own books, Katie’s resolve was broken.

Official rumour has it that a leak from the production team forewarned her she would have to eat the festering carcass of a dead wombat in the next trial. Unofficial rumour has it that the deal was she suffered ritual humiliation in return for lots of camera time and a chance to show her vulnerable side and then feigned an emotional breakdown and walked out on full pay.

So what is Boggart Blog trying to tell you all here? That reality television has become even more cynical and manipulative since the premium phone lines scams were shut down?

We would not dream of such a thing.

If anybody is thinking of saying they can’t believe I watch such rubbis, I have not watched a single program. Five minutes on a web celebrity gossip ite give me all I need to know. I might slag off reality TV but I’ve never said Boggart Blog is not cynical and manipulative. One of my biggest successes at American site gather.com was an review of the book How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read by Pierre Bayard which I reviewed without having read it.

RELATED POSTS:
How To Talk About Books You Hanve Not Read
Bread and Circuses and Reality TV

Decaffinated Bullshit

In one of our very first Boggart Blog posts titled The Bullshit Factor we revealed scientific proof that bullshit and not money makes the world go round.

Everything is bullshit these days, even doing something simple like ordering a cup of coffee, you know you are only going to get a cup of bullshit. We always knew of course that those multinational chains that sell plastic foam in plastic foam cups were selling us bullshit when they had to call their dishwater tasting drinks thinks like skinny-minnie-whacky-baccy-frappy-latty or chokka-mokka-jabbalokka-fishwife-goo-goo-ga-joob* with marshmallows. Sadly this trend for disguising mediocre products with fancy names has spread to those old fashioned cafes that still serve drinks in china cups.

We want into such a cafe yesterday and ordered two lattes.

“Do you want double – decaff?” asked the serving wench.

Double decaff. So what do they do with coffee to make it double de-caff apart from charging me extra. Do they take the caffeine out of my coffee, decaffinate it again so I am twice removed from caffeine and then put it in Red Bull and sell it back to me. Red Bull is bullshit as well. It is not and energy drink, it is a lethal dose of sugar and a shot of my effing caffeine that I paid to have taken out of my coffee. Or would have had I not been to smart to fall for their “We only want to help you” schtick.

“No I don’t want effing double de-caff,” I felt like shouthing, “if I want a cup of bullshit I’ll ask for a cup of bullshit. Brink me my coffee with caffeine in a chinas cup, hold the stupid chocolate sprinkles and give me extra caffeine instead and if there are any marshmallows going stick them up your end and give me more extra caffeine. Double de-caff my arse.”

But to have said that out loud would have been rude and the girl was young and pretty.

RELATED POSTS:
The Bullshit Factor
Wake Up And Taste The Coffee

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Kangaroo Farts: A Weapon Against Climate Change

Forget about coal – fired power stations, car exhaust fumes and methane from melting permafrost in the tundra, the thing that is driving the planet towards destruction is your appetite for beef. The more beef we want to eat, the more cattle we need to breed. “So what?” You might well ask.

The problem with cattle is they spend a lot of time farting, their lives consist of eating grass and pumping methane into the atmosphere and methane is a seventy times more potent greenhouse gas than Carbon Dioxide.

So your steaks and burgers are one of the biggest causes of global warming.

Now you may think this all has a whiff of bullshit about it but, trust me, it is scientifically sound.

Obviously we have to act to check the ever increasing amounts of beef we eat but what should we do? If we all switch to a vegetarian diet we will be creating the methane that cattle are creating on our behalf now.

There is an answer however. We can switch to Kangaroo meat. Kangaroos can do well on very poor quality grazing and per kilo bodyweight the only fart one twentieth of the methane domestic cattle make.

A fart from a domestic cow or bull sounds something like this:
PPPPPPPPPPWWWWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOMMMMplplplplplplplpl…..phft.
A Kangaroo fart by comparison is just the phft on the end.

A switch to Kangaroo meat has dietary advantages too. It is lower in saturated fats and higher in protein than beef. And Kangaroos do not need their diets supplemented with grain and root crops. It is environmentally friendly, healthy and sustainable. Who says so? The Australian Department Of Agriculture. Well who else would have so much expertise in kangaroo farming.

It is entirely coincidental that much of Australia’s cattle pastures are in areas rapidly becoming too dry for cattle farming.

Should you decide to try Kangaroo meat how should it be served?

With Mexican Jumping Beans of course.

MORE HUMOUR every day from Boggart Blog