Open Season On Cyclists

Best news from the coalition government so far is the announcement that speed cameras are to be scrapped.

“Why is this good news?” road safety fans will ask, “does Boggart Blog approve of the carnage on our roads?”

Well, if there was carnage on our roads we wouldn’t but British roads are the safest in Europe. Speed kills, the road safety whiners will whine, doing what people who claim they are logical and scientific always do and resorting to emotive and sentimental hand wringing when someone points out their statistics are made up. The truth is bad driving kills. Keep handing out driving licences to semi literate morons and people will continue to die. But what is responsible for more deaths on the road than bad driving is stupidity.

Speed does not kill. I have only had two accidents in a forty year driving career. My car was standing still and the cars that hit me were travelling well below the speed limit in each. I only remember fatsally having one accident serious enough to warrant an insurance claim and her car was stationary at the time. Statistical proof then that the slower you are going the more danger you are in.

What wound me up about this is an article on The Guardian website today by environmentalist George Monbiot, one of those cyclists who pedals around wearing a stupid helmet that make him look like a penguin that got stuck in reverse. George does not like speed which is OK because he lives in rural Wales where there is nowhere to go and fuck all to do when you get there.

Now I usually like George even when I disagree with him. He’s a stylish writer and presents his arguments well. Except when he starts going on about how unsafe cars are. Because cars are not unsafe, it’s all the other shit they let on the roads that is not safe.

Cyclists are not safe, they put on their reverse penguin helmets oblivious to the fact these items are fitted with an electronic chip that overrides their brain signals, switches off their self preservation instinct and makes them think they can carve up Range Rovers, White Vans and everything else and be safe because when a pedestrian or cyclist gets hurt it is always the car driver’s fault.

WRONG! The car drier may get a fine or a ban or a community service order but that is not going to restore the life of some imbecile who thought his moral superiority and love of the planet immunised him against the effects of being hit by a ton and a half of metal travelling at twenty five miles an hour.

And pedestrians, they are a bigger hazard to other road users than any car, even a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joy rider. Why? Because pedestrians are imbeciles, that’s why. They are too stupid to be allowed anywhere near roads. If they had even minimal intelligence they would be driving cars.

Skateboarders. Who let them out on roads with no brakes or steeting controls? They should be locked up in padded cells with their skateboarders rammed up their arses. There’s a park in Accrington where if the skateboarders set off from the top end just as traffic lights change a few hundred yards away on the main road a string of them will explode from the park gates and shoot across the road just before the first car gets there. Unless of course the first car is a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joyrider.

Not long ago the excellent Anna Raccoon featured a video some New Zealand suicide skateboarders (video and article) had made of themselves skateboarding down the motorway, swooping in and out of streams of traffic and acting like arseholes skateboarders. It was going viral on the web at the time so you can bet its only a matter of time before our arrested adolescent knobhead army are having a go. And whose fault will it be when one of the silly little fuckers gets mashed. The car driver’s of course.

George Monbiot cites the safety of children in his hand wringing whine against people who have lives to get on with. They always bring children into it, these people who claim they are so logical, so rational, so scientific.

They want science. OK, Darwinian evolution. We used to teach our kids road safety, the Green Gross Code Man, Darth Vader before he went over to the dark side, would remind kids to look both ways and make sure the road was clear and it was safe to cross. Politically Correct Thinking put a stop to than. Teaching kids to cross roads safely imposed the repressive rules of bourgeois society on the little darlings preventing their ability to express their creativity from developing freely. And anyway the Green Cross Code man looked like a paedophile.

Let’s put light controlled crossings everywhere, said the handwringers, and get drivers well wound up because kids press the button and then run off and traffic has to stop at the red light even though there is nobody waiting to cross.

Where there is no light to help them cross safely of course kids just run out into the road because nobody taught them any diffrent. So to protect the little darlings from their own stupidity we get speed limits an old lady on a mobility scooter would be in danger of breaking, exhaust wrecking bumps everywhere and kids who think nothing can ever harm them. Suddenly survival of the fittest does not work any more because the handwringers are protecting all the little arseholes who we really do not want contributing to the gene pool

Still, in the eyes of the politically correct thought police the only thing children need to know about road safety is, “If you get mashed it is always the car driver’s fault.”

If we are serious about road safety here’s what we need to do. Raise speed limits because I have proved the slower you go the more at risk you are, ban cyclists, pedestrians and people who obey speed limits because anyone who cannot think for themself should not be driving, abolish children, kill all skateboarders; not because I hate them or they are evil or dangerous people but because it’s to only humane thing to do.

George Monbiot – Evidence Of The War Involving Motorists

Sex In Cars Can Damage More Than Your Health

A survey by elephant.co.uk has found that having sex in a car is dangerous. Doh!

Even when the car is stationary, with the handbrake on and the engine off, people still get hurt.

Muscles get pulled, knees hit, necks cricked and backs ricked and that bloody gear lever pokes everywhere.

The most frequent injury is a banged head, but this could be because the respondents to ths particular survey seemed to prefer to climb into the back seat instead of taking advantage of the front reclining seats which are standard in the modern motor vehicle.

Still it could be worse.

I recall a young man who parked his (Dad’s) car up in a farm turning to enjoy a canoodle with his girlfriend.
When the time came to return to the highways and byways the car had become firmly stuck in the mud.

The unfortunate couple had to walk home and then get Dad to go and tow out the car, which he swore was sunk up to its back axles.

NB Not one of my boyfriends nor my big bro.

Nothing To Do With Politics

I like looking at how people personalise their number plates, I think I’ve mentioned this before.

So locally we’ve got a M3TRO
and also a M5TRO, presumably the head of the local bus network.

I’ve seen a B0TOX and a CYST1C , the Ts in these are made of adapted 1s, and I presume that the first is a cosmetic surgeon and the second either a specialist in the lung department or a urologist.

Jimmy Tarbuck famously had the number plate COM 1C.

And I’m sure the driver of the car we followed the other day gets stopped by plod every time he is in the vicinity of a school…

P3RV J

Ban Smokers From Procreating!!!

More health news.

A kidney dish of Doctors have called for smoking to be banned in cars to protect the young from inhaling the carcinogenic smoke.

The doctors claim that there are over 50,000 unnecessary visits to GPs’ surgeries by children as a result of them travelling in cars with smokers. But surely some of these must be due to little Tommy deciding to see just hoow hot the cigarette lighter gets, or those unfortunate times when the fag is flicked into the lap of the child in the back rather than out of the window?

Ah well, I suppose you’ve got to start somewhere but why does everyone have to suffer? And this is from me, a non-smoker, who banned smoking in my own car well over twenty years ago.

I think the first step should probably be to ban smokers in their fertile years from having children.

A simple solution and probably for the best all round.

Children not subjected to second hand smoke, parents not driven to lighting up another fag to soothe their frazzled nerves after yet another sleepless night as baby/toddler/child/ adolescent/ teenager, cries/ tantrums/ plays computer games/ slams doors and raids the fridge whilst moaning that “you just don’t understand”/ promises to be home by midnight and then disappears off the face of the earth for the next 24 – 48 hours.

If only they’d think these things through!

Snow Bother

Its been a little while since my last blog, largely because I’ve been waiting for France Telecom to connect me to the internet, but I have been busy too. So I’ve had lots of time to think about a good topic, and the one that keeps on coming back time and time again is the weather.

Today’s news is that Washington has been shut down after 25cm of snow. Holiday makers and folk at home tell me that people haven’t had rubbish collected for weeks as bin wagons can’t get round. Roads have come to a standstill where people start slipping and spinning around. This is not really a new thing though, is it?

Where I used to live in Sheffield, the roads into the Peak District were often left snowy, basically cutting off several villages until the snow melted. When I was at school and college in the 90’s, anyone from Haslingden, Rawtenstall, Waterfoot and other high Lancashire villages, was unable to come to work/school as the roads were all closed. It still happens every year somewhere in the UK, but seemingly everwhere this winter.

I’m currently working in the French Alps, in a ski resort. Its very nice, it snows a lot and we get very bright sunny days too. When it snows, as it is now, its snows A LOT. Yesterday we had 50cm, and today we are getting about the same again. And I am only at 1300 meters. The local council here are very prepared; after all, its part and parcel of a ski holiday that you need snow, so the roads are ploughed continously during snowfall, and I and my fellow resort workers carry on driving around resort as is required for work. School remains open, people still have to go to work, the buses still run.

As you can imagine, the locals here are having a right laugh at the shut down of parts of Europe and the States from a little bit snow.

I have an English car, an old P reg Fiat Punto. This is my 4th winter with the same car, its doing me proud. All I have to do is put winter tyres on each winter (still on the same ones I bought 4 years ago), and carry some snow chains, and I can get everywhere.

For several years before I stopped having a UK winter, there were countless incidents of heavy snow and councils being totally unprepared. One report I read said that many councils don’t use even a quarter of their annual allocated gritting budget. What the frig are they doing with it?

Well here’s an idea, they could spend it on some grit, maybe some winter tyres for buses, a small plough for higher lands, and employ a few people to put everything in place. It may take some effort, and some cash (which they apparently have but don’t use), and some actual thought, which I know is tough for some, but its not really that hard…if the French can do it…

Toyota Allegro Reminds Us Of British Carmakers’ Golden Age.

News of the recall of millions of Toyota cars because of a design fault that causes the accelerator to stick so the car goes faster when the driver wants to go slower has made a lot of older drivers nostalgic for the twilight of the golden age of British car making. Now we hear another Toyota model has displayed a tendency to behave oddly after encountering speed bumps.

The Toyota accelerator fault could have been very dangerous. One relieved driver of a recently purchased Toyota Aygo told Boggart Blog, “I was scared shitless, the car just kept going faster. If the brakes had not worked I would be dead.”

This should raise the awareness of those brought up to believe in the superiority of all things Japanese that owning a British built car was a wonderful experience. Take the Austin Allegro for example, mainly because its name is a musical term meaning fast. Allegro drivers and their passengers need never have felt in any danger from a faulty accelerator.

The great thing about the Allegro you see was it didn’t matter if the brakes did not work, the accelerator was prone to jamming or the steering was faulty. The Bloody thing was never going to start anyway.

Ladies and Gentleman, thanks to a leak from our insider in the Toyota boardroom Boggart Blog can reveal the launch of a new model, The Toyota Allegro. It might not get you anywhere, if it does it might be impossible to stop when you get there. But at least you will dine out forever on yourcar catastrophe stories.

Soft Southerners In The Snow.

We in the north have always known southerers were a bit on the soft side.

Additional proof, if any were needed, came in one of the news bulletins about snow disruption. In rural parts Surrey people who own 4 x4s have been charching owners of ordinary cars £10 for help getting out of snow.

Now if that had been in Lancashire, Yorkshire or places even further north the fee is £25 … and you can say goodbye to your kneecaps if you try to get out of paying.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

The New Cow Tipping Is Smart

Have you ever heard about cow tipping?
I’m not quite sure if this is urban or rather rural myth, but rumour has it out in the sticks bored youths will get together in gangs of three or four, and, probably fuelled by Special Brew, proceed to the nearest incline on which cattle are grazing, where, by using force along with the angle of the slope, they tip the cows onto their backs.
Like I say I suspect this is a myth. I’ve lived in rural areas, most notably the Lake District and whilst there were stories about bored youths going out into the meadows in search of fun with animals, this usually involved sheep and wellingtons, never once did I here of any cows being tipped from even someone who knew someone whose brother’s best mate did it every Friday (cow tipping that is). Nor did any of my dairy farming friends complain about finding their cows had been tipped during the night. The sheep farmers, however were always moaning about the discarded wellington’s and shagged out sheep.
But now it seems there is a new version of the passtime.
You don’t even need to go out into the countryside to do it, you could do it in any town centre or urban connurbation.
All you need is two or three mates and a Smart Car.
Because the Smart Cars are so light they can easily be flipped onto their sides or better still rear bumpers.
The craze has taken a particular hold in Amsterdam, where owners are waking up in the morning to find their prized Smart Cars nose up in the nearest canal.

Scientists say Cow Tipping Not Feasible
Scientists have analysed cow ipping and dismissed it as not scientificall feasible. Which prove something we have always said at boggart Blog, that scientists have far too much spare time.

The Facts on Cow Tipping Jonny Five describes the technique used in cow tipping but admits he has not tried it himself.

Are we nearly there yet?

So, summer is here and people are setting off on holiday to see new places, experience new cultures, or just catch a bit of sun (that yellowy-orange – or sometimes brown, depending on where you live – thing that sets in the sky about 4pm in December…remember it?)

When I was little, we used to go to South Wales, which is a long, vomit inducing drive to a car-sick 7 year old. Later we used to drive to France for camping trips. On all occasions involving long drives, there was a map present. Maps were all we had in them days, you see. I don’t recall us ever getting stupidly lost. I’m a firm believer in maps to this day. I refuse to get a satnav/GPS system, and not just because it would probably cost more than my car is worth.

This week, a Swedish couple holidaying in Italy set out for the isle of Capri, but spelt it wrong and ended up in northern industrial town Carpi. Now, spelling errors are an easy mistake to make and I doubt there is a spell checker. But they didn’t realise their error until they went to the tourist office in Carpi and asked where they could find the famous Blue Grotto. Being that they were 400 miles away, the bloke behind the desk must have thought the Italian equivalent of Jermemy Beadle was about to jump out. A tourism official has been quoted as saying “Capri is an island. They did not even wonder why they did not cross a bridge or take a boat”. My point exactly.

I have countless friends and colleagues (and I hate to say it, but most of them are women) with sat nav who have had similar incidents. There are often two towns with the same name in France. The driver input the destination and set off, ending up 6 hours away from the place she wanted to be, and having to sleep in the car. Another set out up a closed (with clear signage) mountain pass in the Alps in winter because her sat nav told her to. It was a miracle they didn’t slip off a cliff edge. She was with her boyfriend (who was a dick) and neither of them thought about checking the directions they had been given until it was nearly too late. Several others have similar stories, and yet none of them have even considered buying a map as a back up.

“Well, I don’t need a map, ’cause I’ve got sat nav and that tells me where to go”. Bollocks. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have had to sleep in your car/drive around Granada for 7 hours and come out going in the wrong direction/go via Paris on your way from Exeter to Newcastle/get your car wedged between two concrete cows on a farm track in Milton Keynes.

I’m not suggesting that everyone using sat nav is clueless, but it seems a fair proportion of users lack a common sense gland.

Also, the voice of the sat nav woman is so annoying; if you do realise she is wrong and continue the way you should go, she almost starts shouting at you, as if you were a small child. She actually reminds me of one of my Catholic primary school teachers. If I was to own one it would only last about ten minutes into the first journey before I fell into a Clarkson-esque rant and chucked it through the window.

If you must use sat nav, always carry a map as backup, and look at it before you set off.

MORE HILARIOUS SAT NAV STORIES:
Puffin up The Power Of Sat Nav Technology

Sat Nav Blunders I suppose you could even call it Sat Nav Schadenfreude. What kind of person takes pleasure in hearing of the Sat Nav misfortunes of others. Well, the kind this blogger is obviously.

Strange Sat Nav facts Do you know how many drivers try to murder their Sat Nav?

Death By Sat Nav Has anyone been directed into a fatal situation by Sat Nav or do they just nag drivers to death

More Humour Every Day At Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden