Racist Chocolate Cakes?

French Bakery Ordered To Remove ‘Racist’ Cakes

What’s a racist cake, you might well ask. This whole ‘waycism’ obession of the politically correct idiocracy just gets sillier.

A bakery in the French Riviera has been told by a court to remove a range of cakes after the delicacies were declared racist.

The patisserie in Grasse, South-Eastern France, was told his confectionery was “obscene” and could “incite racial hatred”, the Local reports. So were the cakes ‘waycist’ or were they just earth goddess figures covered in chocolate (which happends to be brown quite naturally)?

racist cakes made by french patisserie
The offending cakes – just fat wee chocolate people. (Image Source)

The confections in question, named Gods and Goddesses, are shortbread and chocolate mousse cakes in the
venus of willendorfshape of obese people covered with dark chocolate with over-sized genitals, they are very similar in appearnce to the earth mother (Doni or Donna) figures found from northern India and Mesopotamia, through the Caucasus and into the Danube valley in Europe. Such figures tend to be verious shades ob brown depending on the clay they were formed from.

(Figure right is The Venus Of Willendorf, a neolithic  fertility figure found in Austria.

While the baker claimed his cakes were inoffensive, a judge deemed them to be an “attack on human dignity”.)

The case was brought by a French ‘anti racism’ group, the Representative Council of Black Associations (CRAN).

Speaking ahead of the court ruling, its spokesman Louis-George Tin said “It’s pure and simple racism”.

Having been made aware of the controversial chocolatey figures by a shocked customer, the group slammed the “obscene slave trade caricatures that tap into the tradition of colonial racism” and threatened to lodge a complaint for inciting racial hatred.

“We are in a country where the word equality is part of the constitution, which means it doesn’t allow for racism. Does he think these treats adhere to the values of the French Republic?” he asked.

“We must fight this kind of racism. I cannot imagine what would be said (rightly) if an African baker decided to represent Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mary in a similar way,” Tin added. We wonder how the self righteous streak of sewer slime feels about the cholocate Santas sold in many places around Europe at Christmas. Are they not equally racist?

The baker, Tannick Tavolaro, was defiant about his creations when they first hit the headlines earlier this month, saying he found the complaint absurd and denied he was a racist.

“At first I thought it was a joke then I read the news. It’s absurd and hurtful. These pastries have absolutely no racial connotation at all,” he said.

“It’s made of chocolate mousse, which is why it’s black. The characters are little human beings, a man and woman but not a black man and a woman,” he explained.

“These people who attack me don’t know my story or my career or who I am. It’s just intellectual terrorism and I won’t yield to that kind of terrorism,” before pledging to continue making his cakes despite the threats he has received.

Tavolaro, who said he is not a member of any political party, said he was taking a stand “for free speech”.

We are starting and “equal rights for chocolate cakes campaign which we hope will divide pubic opinion so deeply throught Europe, the EU will be torn apart as civil unrest spreads with street bttles betwen sane people and those who think chocolate cakes are racist.

Shades of Purple

The Meaningful Chocolate Company have been advised by their lawyers that they cannot use purple foil to wrap their Christmas Tree decorations as “purple belongs to Cadbury’s.”

Apparently last week Cadbury won a high court battle to prevent Nestle using the colour purple.

This obviously has far reaching consequences, ‘The Colour Purple,’ book and film of the same name will have to be re-titled, ‘The Shade Between Red and Blue’ perhaps?

The artist formerly known as Prince will have to change his hit album Purple Rain to “The Album Formerly Known As Purple Rain”, obviously.

The Christian Church will have to change its colour schemes in its churches, particularly during Advent when purple is highly prevalent.It also means new robes and mitres for the bishops.

Purple has long been associated with Monarchy and Sovereignty, but all of that will have to change, perhaps they can go for something sunnier, whatever looks good on Kate maybe.

A good job the Olympics are over and done with as the officials and volunteers sported purple wherever they went.

Purple was the colour of a highly prized, indelible dye derived from sea snails and used by the Aztecs.

But of course, they might get away with that one as Cadbury used to sell a chocolate bar called “Aztec”.

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We Were Only Joking!

Some time ago Kraft, king of the plastic cheese, bought out Cadbury’s, our very own favourite chocolate producer.

We posted “Willy-Wonka Kraft Has Landed” minutes of an alleged corporate meeting where Kraft executives were trying to come up with ways of uniting the two products.

Ladies and Gentlemen Kraft is now very pleased to unveil its latest abhorrence on the food markets of Britain,

CHOCOLATE FLAVOURED PHILADELPHIA.

Kraft executives, we were only joking! This is not a serious blog!

The Ideal Job – Or Not

Some of us might think being a wine or ber taster or a quality control tester in the johnny factory was the dream job. To someone with a sweet tooth however the job of chief oompah – loompah Sorry I promised myself no Willie Wonka jokes) cholcolate taster must have seemed like a dream coime true.

Not so for forty seven year old Angus Kennedy who had to quit his £30,000-a-year dream job when docors warned his cholesterol level was becoming “dangerously high”.

His work required him to gobble up to 2lbs of weird and wonderful goodies – like cocoa-covered ants and aphrodisiac lollipops – every day.

Manufacturers – including Mars and Nestle – relied on his experience and sophisticated palate to sample new treats ahead of production.

Father-of-five Angus would then write about the products in the trade journal Kennedy’s Confection.

We find this story a tad suspect, in fact when we learned that the chief chocolate muncher’s weight had “ballooned” to thirteen and a half stone in the space of two years we were damn sure it was made up by a committee of bansturbators.

Thirteen and a half stone is not that heavy. In fact compared to the 63 stone teenager we blogged on a few weeks ago Angus is a featherweight. But when you have politically correct idiots out there who can tell Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis she is fat, what chance to normal people have.

We think the banstirbators invented or grossly exaggerated this story as revenge fro the recent news from Australian scientists that eating chocolate is good for us.

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Australian Medical Research Says Ignore Food Fascists, Eat Loads Of Chocolate.

Contrary to the assertions of our critics we at Boggart Blog are not anti – science. We are only against the kind of science sponsored by big business and the Thought Police. Thus we question the kind of crap that suggests “scientists” have learned something about human psycology by force feeding lard to mice or have discovered the meaning of life by doing some equations.

It is surprising how often mice figure in the kind of science we slam. Food figures quite a lot too, especially when we report on the kind of science that says a grain of salt is enough to kill ten adults, that alcohol is so dangerous even simply walking past a pub can result in addiction, the tiniest sip of a fizzy drink will cause us to bloat up into 99 stone blobs and that anything we enjoy is bad for us.

We like the kind of science that tells us moderate alcohol consumption prolongs life, that steaks, burgers, bacon sandwiches and pies are good for us, that salt is an esential nutrient without which we would die and that any research that involves lots of statistics is a load of bollocks.

The Dean of St. Onan’s College, Oxford has challenged us in this, saying, “You can’t have science without statistics; if the statistics are left out all you end up with is the truth.”

Quite. Do you recall how science fascists and food fascists have been telling us for years chocolate is bad for us. This is in spite of numerous independent reports showing that chocolate is in fact good for us. They lied.

Researchers at Monash University have now shown conclusively that chocolate is good for us. It’s the polyphenols that are beneficial so obviously the higher the chocolate content of your confection of choice, the more polyphenols you are getting per ounce.

Some researchers in the past have acknowledged that chocolate is good for reducing blood pressure and cutting the risk of heart attacks but have ben very puritanical about it and insisted that only one million pert cent pure dark chocolate counts.

Wrong. Dark Chocolate is better but if you find it a bit too strong ordinary Dairy Milk, while not as good, will do (make sure it is proper chocolate though and not that chocolate flavoured sugar crap from America.

OK, so having helped you reclaim beer, wine, salt, red meat and slobbing out (very good for destressing) we are now liberating your chocolate.

Duffy’s Red Star Chocolate is hand made (? – we thought it grew on trees) in Lincolnshire.

Meanwhile in New Zealand another team of researchers have founf The Miracle Molecule In Beer that fights fat and keeps you fit.

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Ideal Job Or Not

Everything They told You Is Bad For You Is Good For You

OK, you’ve seen stuff like this before, in fact fatsally did something quite similar here yonks ago, but I’ve been very busy. And anyway it will still make you laugh and help you feel less guilty.

Everything They Said Is Bad For You Is Good For You.
This week we have seen Call Me Dave running amok with his nudger as his cohorts, formerly Nanny State’s Politically Correct Thought Police and now Dave’s Nudger Wielders until we think of a better name, try to nudge us towards being better citizens, eating more shite and refusing things we like, drinking less booze, smoking less ciggies, avoiding dangerous sports like bowls and tiddleywinks, driving less miles in a less cavalier fashion and being less idle (unless of course being idle is the alternative to driving, boozing, eating or enjoying yourself by doing things the Thought Police do not like.

Well Boggart Blog has done its own scientific survey and found that we all do or have done all the things that are supposed to send people to an early grave and we are all still alive, doing things that are bad for you is good for you. Here are our main findings:

1. Drinking Booze…

Scientific evidence overwhelmingly shows moderate drinkers live longer than teetotalers.The recent Million Women Study in the UK, which looked at the link between drinking and cancer, revealed nondrinking women had a higher incidence of cancer than those women who had one drink a day. American researchers found men consuming two alcoholic drinks a day had a 36 percent less risk of developing diabetes.

As the old northern invocation goes, Gerrit downyer, it’ll do yer good.

2. Piling In The Calories…

There is a growing body of evidence that longevity is directly linked to plumpness. In a comprehensive study of weight and mortality, Dr Katherine Flegal from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the longest lived people on average were not thin but those who were overweight. This finding has been repeated in many other studies. Increases in overweight and obesity have been paralleled by falls in US mortality from coronary heart disease and stroke. And life expectancy continues to increase, despite the supposed increase in obesity.

3. Who’s Afraid Of The Fatty Foods

Research in the UK has found that high-fat cheeses, such as stilton, protect against tooth decay. They are also rich in cholesterol, vital to the production of hormones such as estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are. Cholesterol is also essential to the production of vitamin D, which regulates calcium levels. Forget what veggies tell you about their super – healthy diet. Studies published last year have show lean red meat is no worse for health than white meat and is the best source of essential vitamins, minerals and trace elements. As for whiite meat, it’s full of tryptophan, which raises the level of serotonin in the brain, which in turn reduces stress, improves mood, and improves sleep patterns.

As liberals we would not dream of discouraging vegetarians and vegans from pursuing such and unhealthy lifestyle. We do think information should be made available to warn them they may end up as rotten toothed, hormonally deficient, stressed out wrecks.

4. Chocolate Is Good For You…!!!

Few women need a scientist to tell them that chocolate boosts mood, activity levels, and even libido. Beyond that however scientists inform us that dark chocolate may also reduce risk of a stroke or a heart attack. American research published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Science found that cocoa, when consumed at doses equivalent to two dark chocolate bars per day for humans, significantly reduced chemical markers for heart disease in a group of lab animals on a high-fat diet.

5. Don’t Be Afraid To Slob Out…

The body uses rest periods, during sleep or while awake, to repair tissues and restore the immune system. American researchers have found that unrelieved stress can decrease one’s immunity by up to 40 percent. This leads some medical experts to the conclusion that time spent lazing around each day is a better way than exercise to ensure you live longer. In On the Joy of Laziness, Prof Peter Axt writes, ‘We always think we have to be doing something but doing nothing [ … ] could be better’.

Forget the vaccines then, slob out and eat some chocolate (stress lowers immune reactions.)

6. Walk Off Your Illness Or Depression…

A daily walk is almost certain to make one feel better than jogging or workouts at the gym. An article published in the International Journal of Clinical Practice found two dozen physiological ailments and psychological conditions that walking may help prevent.

7. All in the family…

Spending time with people one loves – assuming that includes family – can improve mental health and reduce stress levels. Psychologist Edward Diener’s research has found a very strong connection between research subjects’ unhappiness and their poor social life. Economist Andrew Oswald controversially theorises that better family relationships would be far better for societal well-being than a financially richer society.

8. Laughter Is Still The Best Medicine…

Whether it is a favourite TV programme, a film, a pet’s comical antics or a friends whose fooling is infectious, American researchers have found that laughter boosts one’s immune system, reduces tension and stress levels, exercises one’s heart, and releases feel-good hormones in the brain.

9. Keep In Touch With The Real World…

For most of us, our mood improves when we receive a letter, phone call or card from a friend or loved one. While research in Europe and America has shown addiction to new media and social networking has an isolating and stressful effect American research has found that the more face to face contact we have or the more we use traditional communication methods, the higher our self-esteem and the better our mental health.

10. Power of prayer…

It would be remiss of us, even as irreverent and politically incorrect as we are, to ignore a study recently published in the British Medical Journal that found the act of praying slows down one’s breathing rate and has a calming effect on the heart. In another study published in the same journal the findings showed that superstition and ritual do actually work, improving performances in tasks or sporting activities. So much for those sciencyheads who rail against ‘superstition and magical thinking.’

This is a cherrry picked list but it does serve to show that for every piece of ‘scientific’ advice we are given by The Thought Police, there is a contradictory study just begging to be publicized.

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The Evil Bastards Who Want To Save The Planet

It’s official! Greening up your lifestyle make you a more evil person.

Don’t buy fair trade chocolate or you will be seized by an uncontrollable urge to beat up and rob little old ladies.

Buying organic fruit and vegetables will provoke an irresistible urge to inflict unspeakable cruelties on small furry animals.

Drive an electric or hybrid car and you fill find it delights you to drop really smelly farts in crowded lifts just before you get out.

Meticulously sort your household waste for recycling and you will certainly find yourself playing nasty tricks on small children like telling them to help themselves from a jar of sweets you know is just out of reach.

You felt sure you are a nice person, after all going green shows you care about the planet so you might well be asking how could we predict a greener lifestyle would turn you into an evil monster?

Well the information is all in a report titled “Do Green Products Make Us Better People” which is published today in the academic journal “Psychological Science.” So this stuff is science OK and that proves, does it not, that the reports cannot possibly be wrong.

The authors of the report, two Canadian psychologists, Nina Mazor and Chen Bo Zhong (there’s a truly Canadian name if ever there was one) are quite clearly suggesting that virtuous acts performed voluntarily give us a psychological licence to do something selfish and anti social to reward ourselves. The moral justification we give ourselves is that we have earned the right to indulge whims by behaving well.

Thus people who eat only organic are less likely to share their sweets, people who ride bikes will probably become bar – shy when it’s their turn to get a round in at the pub. And people who would like us to think they live the ascetic lifestyles of intellectuals if ever they are elected (or not elected in the case of certain Labour Prime Ministers) to positions of power are more inclined to become crazed, authoritarian tyrants.

On top of all that people who adopt a more environmentally friendly lifestyle are more likely to steal or fraudulently obtain money, good or services (this is not my opinion, it’s science remember and science is always right because it’s scientific. You can’t argue with facts like that.

In the minds of the greenies they are better people than those who eat takeaways, microwaveable things or pizzas and if you are a better, greener person that the one you are stealing from it isn’t wrong to steal.

By logical extension if you live on alfalfa salads and wear hemp chudees you could probably convince yourself there is no wrong in regicide, eating deep fried lard, stealing the Church poor box or smoking a ciggy in a pub.

The bottom line here is all the science and psychology and sociology and green propaganda from the Politically Correct Thought Police will never change human nature.

Right so. Having had organic porridge with soya milk for breakfast I’m off to do something really evil now. I think I’ll go out in the car and break speed limits without compunction. I deserve it.

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Holding Out For A Hero

A few years ago Mr. Cadbury and Mr. Rowntree-Nestle both had a wonderful idea of making their best selling chocolate bars in miniature, Heroes and Celebrations respectively, and weren’t they lovely? Fair knocked Roses and Quality Street off their long held perch at the top of the Christmas best sellers list.

And why not. It was a wonderful idea, you got a mini Crunchie, it tasted just like a Crunchie, you got a mini Malteasers bar, it tasted just like a Malteaser. Dip into the Roses box and unless you came up with either the Hazelnut Whirl or the Brazil in Caramel, both equally elusive, it was really pot luck. Strawberry creme? Orange fondant? Russian caramel so stiff it could break grandma’s dentures without cracking!

But everyone liked everything in the Heroes and Celebrations tins.

But now the credit crunch hits and out goes the Crunchie. Also the Dairy Milk Whole Nut count has been reduced, so you are liable to only get one in a box. However Fudge and Chocolate Eclairs, both cheaper chocolates, have had their ratio increased.

A Cadbury’s spokesman claimed that the selection was changed regularly, and Cadbury’s responded to public opinion on which chocolates to eject on the grounds of popularity, so last year the Picnic and Time Out varieties were despatched to room 101. However it was admitted that white chocolate is seen as specialist, hey the milky bar kid could get ideas above his station, and is quite expensive and so the Dream bars have gone, to be replaced by the more down to earth Bournville.

It’s hard times we’re living in, it is.
But we should be standing firm and holding out for our miniature heroes.

And another seasonal tradition, fortelling yoiur fortune for the coming year. It’s all in the cards

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Chocolate Lips

Scientists have published results of an experiment that shows Chocolate is a bigger thrill than kissing.
We think they are so engrossed in their methodology, their control groups and the printouts of monitors that record brain responses to pleasure there are many aspects of kissing they have not even looked at.
Not to mention of course the possibilities of combining a very intimate form of kissing with the enjoyment of chocolate.
But we will not go down there just now, this is a family blog (not!)
Suffice to say that you don’t have to get that overpriced stuff from Anne Summers, Dairy Milk will do nicely.