Breaking News From Planet Snowflake – Kitchen Knives To Be Banned

As we’ve said before, this blog started  out as a social and political satire publication. Then about 2010 maybe, the virtue signalling of the political left and progressive liberals became so insane it was beyond sanity. This story illustrates how far beyond sanity we have travelled.

‘Beyond parody’: Call for UK to ban pointed kitchen knives ridiculed online

Church of England bishops (who else could be so far out of touch with reality?) are leading a campaign calling on the government to take a toughen up its position on on knife crime, in the wake of a massive upsurge in knife attacks and violent crime since the police were ordered to prioritise the investigation of ‘hate crime’ over pursuing real criminals. One of their suggestions is banning pointed kitchen knives. The suggestion has been met on social media with some confusion, and a lot of jokes.

Church leaders, with support from police, psychiatrists and politicians, penned an open letter to the government, arguing that domestic knives should be redesigned with rounded tips to reduce the number of life-threatening stabbing injuries being inflicted bt thugs with hunting knives, combat knives and machetes. They reportedly argue that pointed blades aren’t even needed in this day and age, given that we have forks to eat with. The useless old farts have obviouslt never skinned a rabbit or gutted a fish.

The absurdity of banning a common kitchen implement was pointed out by bemused netizens, particularly as the proposal comes after police recently announced that they will no longer post images of seized knives “to help reduce the fear of knives,” and as the Home Office uses takeaway packaging to basically tell people that stabbing is bad.


Despite such highly effective crime-fighting tactics, the government seems to be having little actual effect on violent knife crime rates if official statistics cab ve believed, and efforts to ‘reach out’ to young criminas appears to be failing to reduce crime or assure the public that the problem is being dealt with.

Many Twitter users were baffled by the suggestion of a pointed kitchen knife ban, wondering if it’s some sort of joke, while others highlighted the fundamental futility of the idea by noting how easy it is to find an alternative sharply-pointed weapon, or to make one.

Some weighed in with creative alternatives to food preparation, should you find yourself bereft of a pointed kitchen knife.

And commenters across the pond were less than impressed with the ‘banning pointy knives’ proposal, with one saying: “When you Europeans get high and mighty about America’s guns and tell us we need to be more like you… this is what comes to mind.”





Government Fund Launched To Help Preserve Decaying Churches

St Cha's, Rochdale
St. Chad’s Rochdale – Picture credit: Credit: Alamy Stock Photo via Daily Telegraph

Launching a government funded £1.8m scheme to maintain and preserve some of Britain’s most beautiful churches that are at risk, Historic England Chief Executive, Duncan Wilson, said: “ We are committed to supporting congregations who care for these extraordinary buildings and pleased that the pilot will be looking not only at the buildings themselves, but also at how they can be imaginatively used so they can once again be at the heart of local communities.”

The scheme, to be managed by Historic England, will pay for urgent repairs and support the efforts of volunteers to maintain listed buildings including churches, synagogues, and meeting houses in two pilot areas, Suffolk and Greater Manchester. The tasks involved often require specialist skills.

The pilot regions were chosen because one is more urban and other other more rural, and the scope of the project has been based on the recommendations of last year’s Taylor Review which examined the sustainability of English churches and cathedrals. The report stated that church buildings play a “vital role” in offering public services, and give communities a sense of identity.

It recommended that they should be opened up for other uses, such as Post Offices, flu jabs and youth clubs to help ensure a more sustainable future for the buildings. The Daily Stirrer and our predecessor were, as usual, way ahead of the game when we suggested ten years ago that such a scheme was needed.

The diocese of Manchester has already earmarked for help from the scheme, Anglican churches which could benefit from the fund, including St Chad’s, Rochdale (above), a Grade I listed church in need of repair, and St Thomas, Halliwell which needs modernising and plans to work with a local school.

Manchester’s churches are already used to host foodbanks, breakfast and holiday clubs, credit unions and debt advice centres and support services for refuges and asylum seekers.

Now we will make another suggestion that we hope politicians and bureaucrats might one day catch up with. Part of the cost of this scheme could be offset if government departments and local councils stop giving generous grants to Muslim organisations for the building of Mosques and ‘Islamic Study Centres (aka training schools for jihadists.) There is no place in civilised, tolerant Britain for the brutal and primitive laws and customs of a medieval religion like Islam.

Anything Rome Can Do, Catherbury Can Do As Well

bishop ball prince charles
Bishop offers Prince a BJ

This story had my very lapsed catholic wife dancing on the coffee table and cheering wildly.

“A retired Church of England bishop and friend of Prince Charles has been charged with a series of sex offences.

Peter Ball, who once described the Prince of Wales as a loyal friend after being given a place to live by him, is due to appear in court next month over sex offences and misconduct charges.

The 82-year-old former Bishop of Gloucester, who was previously Bishop of Lewes in East Sussex, will be prosecuted for alleged historic offences dating back to 1977.

Ball was enthroned as Bishop of Gloucester in 1992 at a ceremony attended by Prince Charles, and resigned in 1993.”

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Church Of The Bell End

You have to sympathise, even as you permit yourself a prurient snigger.

The elders of the Christian Science Church in Dixon, Illinois were so keen to show their respect for God’s creation they had their new Church building designed around an old oak tree that grew on the site.

The best laid plans of mice, men and Christian Scientists gan aft agley however, especially if the architect you hire is a bit of a dick, and now the church building is complete, the design has provided a lot of laughs amongst online communities. In pictures from Google Earth, you see, it looks like a limp knob.

Representatives say they intend to give the penis shaped building a “fig leaf” as soon as possible. So we will only get a laugh in the winter? No wonder this picture has gone viral on the internet.

church of bell end

Interestingly, the Christian Science creed teaches “love, growth and spiritual healing” based on teachings from the bible and the writings of founder Mary Baker Eddy. The church also has the slogan “rising up” as its motto.

Perhaps they should do a deal with the Catholics and get a “Church Of Our Lady” built next door. That might help thinks rise up a bit.

Did Jesus Turn Out Just Fine

I wish churches would not try to be witty and amusing. Their efforts are usually twee and self conscious, try too hard to get a moral message across by disguising it was a joke, and are embarrassingly unfunny.

A case in point is the church in Canada whose gay rights obsessed pastor has found a novel way to spread its message of tolerance towards gay people. The results have gone viral, a bit like HIV.

A sign outside St. John’s Anglican Church displaying the words, “Jesus had two dads and he turned out just fine!” has been viewed over 1,000,000 times after a user of the social entertainment site Reddit posted a photo of the sign online, the Huffington Post reports.

The church’s location has been reported by US news site The Blaze as Niagara Falls, Ontario. The wife of Reverend Duncan Lyon, a member of the St John’s clergy, confirmed that the message was in front of their church.

The message appears to be taking a lead from the Gosford Anglican Church in Australia, which posted a similar message a few weeks ago.

Well American Christians and those in third world nations like Canada and Australia are not noted for having sophistcated senses of humour and many are still trying to work out why they are supposed to be offended by Carry On films.

So here’s something Boggart Blog has provided to help them understand why this God botherers stunt isn’t funny.

“I’m not an expert so correct me if I’m wrong, but I always had the impression one of these two alleged Dads was an absentee father who never paid any child support and the other a sort of stepdad who moved in with the single mother while she was pregnant. So when the family became homeless and the child was born in a cowshed he ought to have been put on social services “at risk” register.

And as we all know Jesus actually didn’t turn out very well at all. He was always giving the teacher lip at school and when grown up He went round causing riots, trashed the temple, associated with criminals and prostitutes stole a little boy’s picnic lunch and encouraged binge drinking.

If he’s supposed to be a role model for young guys is it any wonder so many end up in trouble.


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Blowin’ In The Wind

After a dismal few days performancewise here, withing forever for things to hapen etc. I’m low on enthusiasm. So to provide today’s smile I raided my friend reality-speaks at bubblws whose latest post was titled My Most Embarrassing moment:

It was evening, February 25th 2009, my friend’s Grandma’s funeral service in Church. My friends Grandma was a kind and loving lady. Everybody knew her. She used to make us friends apple tarts often, she specialized in sweet treats. A large crowd had turned up in Church. The coffin was kept near the altar for everybody to pay their last respects. Our Church is dome shaped and has excellent natural acoustics. One person-at-a time, everybody went towards the coffin with flowers or cards with personal messages. I was carrying tulips, Granny loved them.

As I reached the coffin I leaned forward bending to place the flowers at the feet of Grandma who lay dead with a smile on her face. And then it happened, as I stretched bending forward to place the tulips, I let out a loud fart.

It kind of escaped without warning. I could hear the echoes of my own fart in the silence that was broken; shocked, I couldn’t think of places to hide, I pictured myself in the coffin as I looked at Grandma. The brave heart that I am, I turned around to go back to my seat which was in the second last row.

As I walked I noticed my fart had caused a flutter, the shocked expressions said it all. Youngsters had smiles on their face while the elders frowned. I quietly took my seat. Alfred, my friend who was seated beside me was placing his face between his legs to conceal his bouts of laughter. He said “Dude! You Rock! Did Grandma wake up! The next day we friends got together and had a hearty laugh.

Pissing Off The Scientologists Could Cost You

After reporting a UFO sighting over the West Sussex HQ of the church Of Scientology, managers of top selling tabloid The Sun received a legal snottogram from the Alien worshipping church’s lawyers.

The case was settled out of court when The Currant Bun published an apology:

“In a article on Saturday headlined “Flying Saucers over British Scientology HQ we stated that two flat silver discs were seen above the Chruch’s HQ. Following a letter from lawyers for the church we apologise to any alien life forms for linking them to the Scientologists.

The story began last Saturday when the Sun published a report about the pilots of three passenger jets who saw “two flat, silver discs” in the airspace over the Scientology HQ in West Sussex as they were queuing to land at England’s second major airport, Gatwick.

The encounter, which happened on the morning of December 30 last year, lasted seven minutes and was substantiated by air traffic control staff who spotted six UFOs on their radar before they suddenly vanished.

The Sun quoted a former UK Ministry of Defence UFO investigator, Nick Pope, who called the sightings “spectacular” and said the evidence was “first rate – the witnesses are experienced pilots and there is radar evidence to back up their stories”.

The church ,which requires followers to believe humans are shape shifting lizards opps, wrong cult, aliens who landed on earth took offence when the Sun published an article about flying saucers sighted over its headquarters in the English countryside.

Boggart Blog says if the Scientologists can’t stand a bit of piss taking can they be taken seriously as a religion?

American Libertarians Say Keep Government Out of Marriage

For a bunch of people obsessed with the idea that Carbon Dioxide is destroying life on earth American ‘progressives’ have generated a lot of CO2 whingeing about the politics of same sex marriage recently. Throughout the week, many people who support gay marriage have directed Two Minutes Hate claiming that right wing Christian nut jobs’ i.e. anyone who doesn’t support the idea that it is an inalienable human right for two bearded queens to put on bridal gowns and go mincing up the aisle together are just trying to use government to legislate marriage or morality.

Thia frenzy of self righteousness was triggered by one of the most left wing of US Supreme Court justices, Sonia Sotomayor asking if the courts overturn democratic votes banning same sex marriage how could they then deny the right to polygamous marriage, marriage between humans and non humans or marriage between adults and children? A fair point well made, but it seems ever left leaning supreme court justices are not allowed to question the inalienable human right of turn burglars get get married.

I agree that the U S Supreme Court should keep the government out of marriage.

George and Martha Washington did not get remarried after 1776 when the United States declared independence from Great Britain. Nor did they do so after 1789, when the constitution was enacted.

In fact, not one of the couples living in America who were married prior to 1776 remarried the same person after the United States was formed. My friend who was married while living in Canada feels no need to remarry now he and his other half are living in France.

Government does not create marriage, it provides some legal rights which are taken care of by civil partnerships.

To be sure, over time the institution of marriages evolved, divorce is easy now. The age of consent and the some of the criteria for entering into the contract have changed but the structure and operation of marriage were still the same.

Marriage pre-existed the government and has evolved institutionally over a few thousand years.

What’s happening now is that gay marriage advocates are attempting to use the state to change marriage. When they say ‘right wing nut jobs’ are trying to use the state to legislate their version of marriage, they are talking bollocks.

It is the gay marriage advocates who want to force, by the power of the state, a pre-existing institution to change. If the state has the power to change the definition of an institution that it did not create, the state can force everyone to do so.

Marriage may evolve to include gays, lesbians, humans and horses, dogs or other animals, one man and several women or one woman and several men or even dirty old men and children one day. But the time for that has not arrived. according to The Book of Revelations these things will happen in the end times. So as I believe the Book of Revelations is a pile of crap and the world is not going to end any time soon, what are we bothering about.

I’ve no objection to people campaigning for legalisation of gay marriage, I support democracy. But don’t tell me Christians are trying to legislate their version of marriage. The only people lobbying for legislation to support their minority view are gay rights advocates who refuse to let the institution naturally evolve because of their own impatience for the trappings of normalcy in a society that has long viewed them as a bunch of irrirating whiners.

That the supporters of gay marriage cannot be honest about what’s going on suggests they are not being honest when they say they’re cool with conscientious objectors to the whole idea. Consider, for example, this blog post from the Cato Institute entitled, “We Support Gay Marriage but Oppose Forcing People to Support It.”

They filed an amicus brief in support of Elane Photography, which was punished in New Mexico for refusing to help a gay wedding. Cato bases its defense on photography being protected by the first amendment. But note this:

Our brief explains that photography is an art form protected by the First Amendment because clients seek out the photographer’s method of staging, posing, lighting, and editing. Photography is thus a form of expression subject to the First Amendment’s protection, unlike many other wedding-related businesses (e.g., caterers, hotels, limousine drivers).

So if you are a caterer, hotel, florist, etc. who does not like same sex marriage too bad. You will be forced to provide services to a gay wedding. And if they are gay men you’re not likely to get paid because the boys will have spent ten times what they could afford trying to outdo Elton John in the ‘absolutely no taste’ stakes. You will be made to by the power of the courts to provide your service. Saying no to my son and his other half Debbie because you don’t like the look of them would be OK but saying no to a couple of queers who look like they haven’t a penny between them would constitute a hate crime. That’s where we are headed if we keep giving in to self pitying whiners.

So yes, let’s keep the government out of marriage in the USA and here. Its definition will change over time through the natural evolution of all institutions. That evolution may include gay marriage, but there again it might just evolve into extinction.

Pope Benedict Resigns: Who Will Lead The Catholic Church Now? A Surprise Front Runner Emerges

The resignation of Pope Benedict as head of the Roman Catholic Church has shocked the world this morning and kicked of wild speculation that a bigger scandal than the Jimmy Savile story could be about to erupt. Boggart Blog’s main rival, The Daily Smear, led on a story that thousands of Catholic nuns had been heard chanting Benny Dicked Us.

The resignation could destabilise many third world nations where the Catholic Church still has a strong political influence. With no obvious contenders among the Vatican hierarchy, disunity could be seen as an opportunity for disruptive elements within the church and nations where is is close to those in power, while too conservative a candidate could cause conflict with progressive political forces.

Some commentators are suggesting this time the Cardinals should elect a Pope who is younger and more in touch with the modern world. This has led to the emergence of a surprise from runner. Not only is he young and progressive by Papal standards, he is British too.

Step up to the mark Tony Blair. Though Blair is only a comparatively recent convert to Catholicism, he is slippery enough to be an effective operator in international politics, dishonest enough to convince both radical and conservative Catholics he is on their side. And he is currently looking for a way to get back into British politics.

What better reason could there be for confining him in The Vatican.

Pope Bliar 1st

Who owns marriage?

The Church does not “own” marriage nor have the exclusive right to say who can marry, Liberal Democrat Lynne Featherstone, equalities minister in the coalition government, has said in commenting on the same sex marriage issue.

Actually Lynne, my little leftie rage-babe, I think you will find the Church do own marriage.

Personally I don’t give a toss about same sex marriage, so long as churches are not forced to perform them. However I do think politicians who try to politicise sex and relationships should be taken outside and shot.

BTW I recently reread Joseph Heller’s Catch 22 in which the character General Dreedle believed taking people outside and shooting them was the answer to everything. I mention that because I don’t want people thinking Jeremy Clarkson invented it. He’s obvously read some decent books though.

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