There has been a lot of talk about Britishness recently, most of it centring on the willingness of migrants to integrate by accepting British ways and customs.
would be immigrants have gone so far as to convert to Christianity in order to prove they are genuine in their acceptance of British values. To counter this Immigration officials have developed a set of questions aimed at weeding out the apostates by testing their knowledge of British customs and traditions.
Among these are:
How would you go about cooking a Christmas Turkey?
What kind of decorations would you put on a Christmas Tree.
How should Christmas pudding be served
Now apart from the misapprehension that Christmas is a purely British thing, that Turkey is a traditional British Christmas treat (its actually very recent) and that Britain is a Christian nation, the Immigration people need to understand a few things. Christmas Trees are of course a pagan tradition from Germany, introduced by Prince Albert around a hundred and fifty years ago, goose is centre of the traditional British Christmas mean and erm, well, most of us havent been to church since our grannys funeral so if the Immigration people were right we would quickly solve the housing crisis by deporting more than half the population.
Find out how British you are. Take the Boggart Blog Britishness quiz.
1 What is the motto on the Royal Arms
a)Dieu et mon droit
b) Britannia rules the waves
c) ere we go ere we go ere we go
2 Who is the husband of the head of the Royal family
a) Prince Phillip of Battenberg
b) Ricky Tomlinson
c) Some greasy foreign bastard
3) What is Britains favourite food
a) Chicken Tikka Masala
b) Fish and chips
c) anything so long as it is boiled to destruction
4) If you draw a line from the Mersey to the Humber which side of that line can the best beer and the best football teams be found.
a) south of the line
b) north of the line
c) what are the Mersey and the Humber?
And about our European neighbours. Tell us what you think of:
5) The French ?
a) The cultural ties between our nations are so strong that though we are
different nations politically we are truly one people.
b) They eat a lot of garlic but their accents are sexy
c) Theyre a bunch foreign bastards
6) The Italians ?
a) The Romans brought to these islands culture, civilisation, law and
language. Italys role in the forming of western culture is immeasurable
b) Anyone who gave us Lasgne and Ferraris cant be bad
c) Theyre a bunch of foreign bastards
7) The Germans ?
a) German philosophy has changed the way we view the world while
their technical innovations have provided indispensable tools for industry
b) Theyre very clean and efficient
c) Two world wars and one world cup.
8) The Belgians ?
a) A small nation of educated, tolerant people who have contributed much in
the fields of art and science.
b) They make nice chocolate
9) A question on British culture. Which was the best Morcambe and Wise Christmas
c) They were a couple of nancy boys, I prefer Alf Garnett.
10 Who was the greatest Briton ever
b) Winston Churchill
c) Homer Simpson
How do you rate?
Mostly As and Bs.
Foreigner, you lot think you can come here and have an easy life claiming
benefits and living in council houses. You seduce our women and cause NHS
waiting lists by turning up at hospital for free treatment every time you have
a hangover and support foreign football teams like Chelsea and Tottenham. Clear off, theres nothing here for the likes of you.
Congratulations. You are British through and through in fact you are probably a member of the BNP, have a bulldog tattooed on your arse and support West Ham United (even if you are a northerner). This precious pearl set in a silver sea is the home of Kings and heroes and it is YOUR home too.
So we can expect you to cheer loudly when we close all the Indian, Chinese
and Italian restaurants, ban the import of German and Spanish beer and Japanese cars. You will be delighted when we ban cheap clothes from China and you have to pay £75 for a pair of Levis because you are proud to be BRITISH.
BTW The proper way to cook Brussels sprouts for Christmas dinner is to put them on Nov. 5th and keep them simmering until December 25th. The proper way to cook a Christmas turkey is forget to defrost it and have sausage sandwiches with brown sauce.