Man Drives Dead Girlfriend From Arizona To Detroit (but she was wearing a seatbelt)

Ray Tomlinson (62) took the most bizarre trip of a lifetime when he drove his dead girlfriend, 31-year-old Christine Gilbert,across the USA for 26 hours. Tomlinson will not be facing any charges however, the dead girlfriend was wearing her seatbelt while riding in the passenger seat during the 1,900-mile road trip across the country from Arizona to Michigan, reported WLWT5 on June 6. And apparently under US federal law it is not a crime to transport a stiff in a car so long as as all passengers are wearing seat belts (and so long as the stiff isn’t driving of course)

According to Warren police Deputy Commissioner Louis Galasso, the strange cross country trip ”involved some ‘bizarre’ judgment and behavior, but wasn’t criminal.”

Ray Tomlinson is from Detroit in Michigan and was on a road trip from Arizona to Michigan when his girlfriend Christine died. Christine had been in a mental health facility in the Phoenix area, and when she left there with Tomlinson on Sunday, she was alive.

On Monday, as the couple was driving through the southwest U.S., Tomlinson discovered that his girlfriend’s body was cold. While a toxicology test is still being performed, police suspect that Christine might have taken too much oxycodone. “I went like this, you know, nudged her, at this point in time she was stiff,” said Tomlinson. “There wasn’t jerking or moans or groans, or cries for help, she just fell asleep.”

When Tomlinson discovered that his girlfriend had passed away while being on the road, he checked on what to do about a corpse on his cell phone. Of course, the answer was to take the dead body to a hospital or a morgue, but for Tomlinson the question was to which hospital or morgue.

Even though Tomlinson was in disbelief about his girlfriend’s death, he was determined to do the right thing – which was to get his mom home. “He said he had his 92-year-old, wheelchair-bound mother in the van and wanted to get her home.”

We say the boy do good. Look what happened when Granny Griswald died while on a long road journey in National Lampoon’s vacation …

Seconds Out At Bernie’s

Anyone else remember a film called weekend At Bernies? Here’s the synopsis:

Richard and Larry are a couple of slackers who are trying to scam their way up the corporate ladder of an insurance company. They stumble on evidence that someone has been defrauding the company, and take their evidence to their boss Bernie Lomax.

Bernie is apparently so impressed he invites them to his weekend house on the coast. What the bell ends don’t know is that Bernie is the thief, and he has arranged to have them killed to protect himself.

When the boys arrive at Bernie’s they find him dead, and soon uncover the fact that they were the killer’s intended victims.

Unwilling to give up a weekend of industrial strength partying with the in crowd the pair omit to mention Bernie is dead to any of his friends. This leads to a series of ridiculous ruses to conceal the fact that the rapidly deteriorating corpse is in fact dead.

OK, so it is not the funniest film ever, even if it is “dead funny”. The plot is implausible to the point of stupidity. Perhaps it is best categorised as farce. Nothing like that could ever happen in real life, right?

Wrong.

Boxer Christopher Rivera was shot last week (25 Jan, 2014). His family wanted to remember Chris as a champ because even though he had only fought professionally fifteen times, losing four, they knew he coulda been a contender. When family and friends attended his wake on Friday to remember the deceased young man made good on his last wish and propped Rivera’s body up in a mock boxing ring. His embalmed body looked like a mannequin (or bernie in the above movie, after the two schmucks had used fake tan to conceal his deathly pallor.
Throughout the wake, Rivera stood in the ring for one last time wearing his traditional boxing gear. His mother, wife, and son posed with him for one last tribute. Mourners took pictures as keepsakes to remember the fallen boxer. As yet the authorities haven’t charged anyone with Rivera’s death.

This post was filed by our Only In America correspondent.

At Last Scientists Explain The Plague Of Zombies

You have probably noticed that Zombies are everywhere these days, not Zombies that play reggae music and live in Haiti, but the nasty, face gobbling Zombies that eat you in the street. From 28 Days Later to Shaun of The Dead and on to The Walking Dead, Zombie Apocalypse is everywhere.

But why?

Since the scientific apocalypse, when scientists all abandoned ethical constraints because they are such clever people they cannot be constrained by humanitarian feeling such as compassion and empathy we all have wondered what triggered this terrible zombie plague. It has been admitted that scientists have been trying to create artificial life, working on clones for spare part surgery, creating half man, half mouse chimeras (for fun) but until now the role of science in creating zombies has never been acknowledged.

But now at a press conference, Dr. Dave DeAth told asttendees,

“Yes we consider flesh eating Zombies our greatest triumph yet in the race to subjugate nature and usurp God. We’re not sure how this new strain of Zombieism came about but the scientific consensus is it had something to do with supermarket beef.” Dave told us.

The sound of jaws dropping in the conference room was deafening. Everybody turned on Dave, calling him Frankenstein, freak – doctor or fraud and demanding to be told more.

“Remember mad cow disease?” he said. “Beef billionaires told their scientists to come up with ways to reduce costs and boost profits. We were already feeding young cattle growth hormones and penicillin to cattle to fatten them up quicker, we were keeping them in tiny cages to stop them losing weight through exercise, what more could we do. A bunch of very clever people came up with the idea that feeding the animals on left over bits of other cows,the bits even Macburgers don’t want, would give them a high protein diet that would help build muscle bulk. Unfortunately cows have evolved over millions of years to eat grass and turn it into steak for humans to eat.

The cows didn’t much care for their dead cow enriched diet so the next step for the researchers was to make cows that liked steak. To do this we produced Genetically Modified Mangol Wurzels to which a human steak-is-yummy gene had been inserted.This worked well for a while although mad cow disease was an unfortunate side effect. Finally the gene that makes mad old bags outside Yates’ Wine Lodge scare innocent young men shitless by offering them a tuppeny upright round the back was making cows stagger around and fall over. It had always been assumed that a surfeit of Yates’ Sweet White did that to the mad old bags but apparently not.

As I said the high protein diet worked for a while one the mad old bag gene had been sorted out but eventually it altered the protein sequences in cattle DNA.

“People should have seen that something was up then. You can only feed cows other cows for so long,” a rather serious minded reporter from The Independent said. The young woman was immediately jumped on by security officers and dragged out screaming and protesting. She has not been seen nor heard of since.

Dave continued, “The animals humans were eating had been fattened on abbatoir waste, byproducts of the food processing industry, and genetically modified foods. It only stands to reason that if you eat enough genetically modified food, it’s eventually going to modify your genetics.

All the cutting corners on animal feed and trying to speed up evolution by genetic engineering of crops to maximize corporate profits eventually had an effect and it was thus that humanity engineered its own extinction. Evolution is not fully understood even by scientists but the valuable lesson we have learned it that things do not evolve to extinction. They evolve by becoming something else. And we have speeded up evolution so much we got ahead of ourselves. We were always supposed to evolve to immortality but science has helped us get there before we are able to do without our bodies.

For the sake of corporate profit we poisoned our own damned food supply and now it is turning us into The Walking Dead. Scientists kept waiting to see the effects of genetic engineering, but as usual they were observing the mathematical models rather than reality. They predicted changes in living people and claimed to be conquering death when the average life expectancy increased by a few days a year.

Unfortunately the mutation they hoped for did not turn out as expected, the mutation genetic engineering created remained dormant during the our natural life phase and only kicked in when putrefaction began. The unintended consequence of our experiment (and there are always unexpected consequences, that is the price we must pay for progress, only manifested after clinical death with the result that the dead wouldn’t stay dead. From a scientific point of view this is absolutely fascinating and more research is needed to enable us to reverse the decay, corruption and other undesirable side effects.”

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Journalistic Standards down The Pan

Many news channels in India ran a story yesterday on the death of Bollywood star KANAKA, from cancer.

By the evening new bulletins however Kanaka was on TV declaring that reports of her death had been greatly exaggerated. The star said that during an interview for a syndicated news agency she confided to the journalist that she had undergone tests for cancer but hadf been given the all clear.

Now this means either Kanaka has landed a part in the Indian Version of The Walking Dead, or, reassuringly, it isn’t just our celebrity obsessed news media that has let standards slip.

Daughter has to takes dear old Dad’s ashes to bank to prove he is dead

Siobhon Peers, 31,lost her dear old Dad David, aged 68, to bone cancer in October 2011 but continued to receive letters from the Royal Bank of Scotland saying he owed money on his account.

Although she sent a copy of her father’s death certificate to close the account, the bank insisted the original certificate must be shown and letters kept coming, and the late David’s account was charged for each one. The outstanding amount mushroomed to £625 with interest.

Eventually Siobhon went to her local bank branch in Davenport, near Stockport, Greater Manchester with an urn containing her father’s ashes and placed it on the counter along with the original death certificate.

Staff stared open-mouthed and customers looked on in shock as Ms Peers said: “You wanted proof my dad is dead – well here he is. I’ve brought him along with me.”

There’s a lesson for us all here. Have your nearest and dearest buried then if the bank mess you about you can have the decaying corpse exhumed, take it down to the bank and dump it on the manager’s desk with the words, “You reckon he owes you money, you find a way to get it out of him.”

There Really Is No Hope For Humanity #nowthatchersdead

There really is no hope for humanity. I have said this before but I’m sure the death of Margaret Thatcher has thrown up evidence to convince even the most obdurate glass-is-half-full idiot.

According to my Twitterwatcher sources the IsThatcherDeadYet.co.uk site asked people to use the hashtag #nowthatchersdead on Twitter to post tweets rejoicing in the fact that Margaret Thatcher is dead.

This proved a bit too complicated for the twits who are not known for having a measurable IQ. Many of them went into emotional meltdown, saying what a tragedy it was and how the lady had always made such great records and even aged over 40 had looked devastatingly sexy straddling a giant weapon.

What did these morons think the Iron Lady of Grantham had done on her days off from handbagging poor Michael Foot?

Take a good long look at the hashtag. At first glance it could read “Now That Cher’s Dead” instead of “Now Thatcher’s Dead.” And people who use Twiiter tend to have the attention span of a flea so second glances or good long looks are non starters.