Disabled People Say Please Don’t Be Offended On Our Behalf

I’ve met a lot of people over the past seventeen years, being disabled myself, and when we get talking about our experiences one thing that comes up all the time is the thing we find most offensive: Not the jokes, not the remarks that could be interpreted as offensive by a shyster lawyer, but being patronised by middle class, Labour voting, hand-wringing, politically correct types who have elected themselves to think on our behalf.

So this story of a Twitter exchange was very amusing (and I’m with the online retailer who is the target of the latest Twitter Two Minutes Hate session.

On Saturday night, the social media team looking after online retailer Joy’s Twitter account received saw fit to respond to a legitimate complaint from a customer about what she thought an offensive card for those suffering from bipolar, by replying: “then if you know someone with bipolar disorder, don’t buy it for them. PROBLEM SOLVED”. The customer then asked how people suffering from the problem would react on seeing it, to which Joy responded: “They’ll like it one minute, and hate it the next?” (Read all – including a lively comment thread)

And so began the latest Twitter storm.

I don’t know what it is about bipolar disorder that makes every insignificant piece of shit in Islington start screeching when anyone makes a joke about the problem, but several people I know who are actually diagnosed as bipolar are very witty when discussing it, and don’t mind the jokes that go back. They can see the funny side of being bipolar.

In the same way people like me who have suffered brain damage can usually see the funny side of our problems, and we don’t need some pretentious, politically correct, self righteous leftie screecher to tell us what to think and how to feel. It’s fucking offensive in fact.

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If a black person acts like a twat is it racist to say he’s a twat.

Examples of US rapper Kayne West behaving in ways that show what a cupid stunt he is occur to frequently for mainstream media to report them any more it seems. Or maybe it’s just that because Kayne is an African American those mainstream journos were afraid of being called racist if they report his latest fuckwittery. After all, according to American ‘Liberals’ and British lefties all the only reason anybody would criticize anything a black politician or celebrity does is because whites are all racist and can’t stand to see a black person doing well.

It seems Krazy Kayne has done us all a favour by breaking that mould with his latest idiocy, which was outrageously stupid even by the standards of American rappers whose usual idea of a joke is to shoot their best mate in the face. Here’s what the completely fuckwitted Kayne did:

from The Daily Telegraph blogs

Kanye West’s idiotic attitude to disability is symptomatic of a bigger problem

The Mail reports that Kanye West, and self-proclaimed “voice of this generation”, recently stopped a concert in Australia to demand that two disabled people in the audience stand up and dance.

One was in a wheelchair. The other had a prosthetic leg, and was reduced to the indignity of waving it in the air to prove that they were in fact disabled. And proof was needed. When Kanye learned that the two seated fans had disabilities, he sent his bodyguard into the crowd to check they weren’t lying. “This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song,” he said. “It’s unbelievable.”

It certainly is. West wasn’t just exclaiming “Everybody dance!” as singers do. He specifically stopped his performance to shame these two disabled people for not dancing. Only when convinced that they had truly “got a handicap pass” and “get special parking and s**t” did he continue the show.

It would be easy to hear this story and simply say we cannot imagine what West was thinking. It would be easy, too, to wonder if the man who called his tour “Yeezus”, because he believes himself to be of at least equal importance to Western culture as Jesus Christ, perhaps feels that the divine power of his mere presence extends to making the blind see and the lame walk.

But to dismiss West’s attitude as inexplicable or merely the latest comic result of his infamous egotism is to overlook the widespread beliefs that are responsible for his behaviour and for much of society’s behaviour towards disabled people.

Many able-bodied people will read about this incident and, while admitting that it is unfortunate, ask “How was West to know those people couldn’t stand up?” The correct question is “How was he to know they could?” Why assume someone is able-bodied? Continue reading:

Another way of looking it it is a lot of rock stars and celebrities think they have assumed divine status and must be obeyed. These people, regardless of their skin colour, deserved to be ridiculed and humiliated. We don’t have to obey their commands, we don’t have to worship them. Very often they haven’t a lot of real talent but are overpaid idiots with overactive egos.

For myself going to gigs became off limits when I paid good money to see a bank that had slipped down from the pinnacle of their success but were still good. The band probably did about four songs and spend the rest of the time ‘working the audience’. We were told, “All stand up, everybody stand up, we’re not going to start the song until you are all on your feet.”

And they didn’t. Later we were all commanded to stand again and clap our hands above our heads. The same threat was made, we’re not continuing until you all obey. My attitude is I go to a gig to be entertained, not to entertain the cunt up front. Although if the cunt on stage happened to be Kayne West, a younger, fitter me might have been tempted to entertain the audience by jumping on the stage and breaking his leg.

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The Ultimate Hand Job?

Robotics engineeers at an international robotics and technology show recently exhibited latest advances aimed at allowing disabled people to have the same opportunities the able bodied.

The result of projects in development will, doctors and engineers think, result in an (unimaginatively dubbed but they are scientists) i-limb ultra prosthetic hand connected to sensors in the body, allowing the mechanical hand to move as a biological one would. Movement in these prosthetic limbs would then be possible by thought alone. This allows the disabled person to have almost the same physical abilities as anyone else.

Work on such innovations is now well enough advanced for some people with limited mobility in one hand to have chosen to have their disabled limb amputated and replaced with a prototype i-limb ultra hand instead. Will this happen more in the future? Indeed, will people without disabilities start to get false limbs because they find their real ones are not good enough or bionic ones earn more brownie points with the fashion set? Gok Wan is just never going to allow women to walk around on home made legs.

Maybe false limbs will become a fashion trend. Eat you heart out Heather Mills, Victoria Beckham’s false legs will make you look a klutz. Grace Jones has already ordered her bionic arse and several supermodels have ordered i-Hands with a small finger that converts to a hyperdermic syringe.

We forsee problems if the makers do not come up with a better name. Apple Corp. are never going to let them get away with i-Hand. Unless of course a secret deal has already been arranged giving the computer company exclusive rights to sell an i – Wank app.

Stupid Criminal Of The Week Is A Benefits Cheat

Benefit’s cheat Robert Cave of Mansfield found crime does not pay when he was filmed practising his swing at a local golf course by Benefits Agency investigators.

50-year-old Cave had been claiming Disability Living Allowance for three years by that time after informing the Department for Work and Pensions in 2006 that walking was “extremely painful” and that he had difficulty completing minor tasks such as moving pans from the cooker to the sink.

On hios applicaytion for disability living allowance with mobility compnent Cave claimed that walking ten yards could take him up to two minutes.

However, video played at Nottingham Crown Court showed him hitting balls on the driving range and on the third hole at Norwood Park golf course on 18th October.

Though he was fit enough to play golf, the court heard, Mr. Cave used a buggy to get around the course. This was not accepted as a mitigating factor as it only proved he is a lazy twat who could not be arsed walking.

Cave now faces prison after pleading guilty to failing to notify the DWP about a change in his circumstances.

We think this charge is a tad unfair on Mr. Cave. Clearly his circumstances had not changed, he lied when making his claim and was still lying when he was caught. Also, if he didn’t see the blokes with video cameras he should be able to claim for impaired vision.

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Blind Dog Gets A Guide Dog

Border Collie Clyde is totally blind. The chances of living a full and satisfying life can be quite restricted for a blind dog. Finding trees, gatesposts or car wheels to pee on is fraught with dangers. A blind dog could easily mistake a bit of cheese in a mousetrap for a proffered snack and get its tongue impaled. They might even mistake a beef BBQ crisp for something edible. There are all sorts of hazards awaiting a blind dog so how can they risk doing the doggy things all dogs love to do?

Well Clyde got a guide dog. Now he is accompanied on all his little canine capers by Bonnie, a 2 year old bitch from a rescue centre. So pert and pretty is Bonnie with her intelligent face, silky ears and black and white colouring you have to feel extra sorry for Clyde as he can’t see his companion. Still at least he is getting out more.

Readers may remember though when Cleo Hart first joined us as a blogger her article concerned those blind runners in the “special olympics” who need a guide runner to keep them on track. Cleo was concerned that while the visually impaired runner gets a medal for winning the impaired by the blind bugger runner like the weakest link leves with nothing.

All our readers agreed there is no justice in that. While we rejoice then at Clydes good luck in finding Bonnie we must hope there is no nonsense about him entering Sheepdog Trials.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Fear Of Soup

There are few plus points about being disabled but one of them is the bizarre stories that can be picked up by watching daytime television. This week one of the daytime shows has been running a series of features on irrational fears. The strangest case reported on was that of a woman who has a fear of soup.

?………………………………………..?

A fear of soup?

Yes, she starts sweating and panic breathing when she sees a tin of Heinz Cream Of Tomato and even gets twitch when shown a cuppasoup in its packet though technically cuppasoup is not soup but a chemical cocktail. So irrational is this woman’s fear there is not even a name for it. Pognophobia (fear of beards) dendrophobia (fear of trees) and claurophobia (fear of clowns) are all recognised and fairly common conditions and we think claurophobia will be a lot more common by the time Psychoville has completed its run.

Less well known perhaps are Aibophobia (fear of palindromes – I didn’t make it up, I’m on the level) A well known palindrome is Nun so a person with Aibophobia and Cloisterophobia (fear of Nuns will be in real trouble if they ever go near a convent.)

Competitive types may be at risk of developing Kakorrhaphiophobia, a fear of defeat. How great would it be if that came up as the tie break question in the pub quiz at the Meritocrats’ Arms?

We digress however. Fear of Soup does not have a name. We suggest Potageophobia or mulligatawneyphobia or cockaleekiephobia might be appropriate and slide off the tongue easily but this does not help us with our problem. How could anybody become afraid of soup, or how could any rational person be reduced to a state of fear and panic by food, and how could that fear be so indiscriminate. There is a world of difference between a bowl of chicken and sweetcorn at the local Chinese restaurant and a tureen of Brown Windsor at a formal dinner.

One soup I have often found disturbing but never frightening is Baxter’s Country Vegetable. This is perhaps because it slides out of the tin in a solid mass making a squelchy sound as it does so and then it lies in the pan like a dollop of congealed sick. It is the most ugly, repulsive food ever devised. Tripe looks better. When actors have to throw up in films or on TV it is Baxters Country Vegetable they use. Don’t let anyone tell you actors don’t deserve the obscene fees they are paid. The never know when the script will call on them to regurgitate mouthfuls of cold Baxters Country Vegetable soup. And yet, to the best of our knowledge none has ever developed a fear of soup.

After scouring my memory I can honestly say the only soup that has ever made me feel truly apprehensive was the Skink (fish soup) at the Slingerbulten Restaurant in Stockholm. Yes it is a real restaurant or at least was in 1997.

The Slingerbulten Skink was a thick creamy soup, more like a chowder really, and it was not unusual to see eyes staring up at you from the surface. Not just staring but rolling around and blinking. Nobody ever dared think about what monsters of the abyss might be lurking in the murky depths of the bowl.

It tasted absolutely delicious though.

Hard as it is to imagine how somebody might become afraid of soup the poor woman from daytime TV deserves our sympathy. Never to know the satisfaction of dipping a lump of crusty bread into a steaming bowl of oxtail or lentil and bacon after a brisk walk on a cold day is sad enough but the thought of missing out on an opportunity to sample Slingerbulten skink is too sad to contemplate.

Having said that, the Slingerbulten skink did often induce bouts of sweating and breathlessness. The chef had a rather cavalier approach to seasoning.

more humour every day from Boggart Blog

The Slingerbulten on Flickr

Read review of The Slingerbulten

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Nice Set Of Wheels, Baby.

The path of true love does not run smooth. Especially when you are a disabled turtle in search of a mate. Unable to use her hind legs, Avara was having difficulty attracting the right sort of young turtle, in fact any sort of turtle whatsoever, young, old, male, female.
Staff at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo saw her plight and came to the rescue , fitting her with a pair of wheels. Now trundling happily about she has finally met the right young turtle. Aaaahhh.

Blind Driver? You Couldn’t Make It Up

News today of a blind Iraqi who lost his eyes in a bomb blast has been convicted of dangerous driving after making a half-mile journey through Oldbury in the West Midlands. Omed Aziz had followed instructions on steering and braking which were given by a friend in the passenger seat, Warley magistrate’s
court was told. The 31-year-old from Wednesbury, West Midlands will be sentenced next Monday.
Sounds like yet another case of the authorities discriminating against the diabled.

More original humour every day from Boggart Blog