Greater Love Hath No Man Than He Forgives The Chap Who Cut His Willy Off…..

Quite nostalgic to start the week off with a willy story, not seen one in ages, but hopefully they will be like buses and we should have a glut of them coming up soon.

Zaprian Lozanov and Lyubomir Todanov had spent the day in each other’s company getting a bit rat-arsed, as you do.

But when Lyubomir got out his samurai sword to show off his prowess with the weapon Zaprian became a bit concerned.

Deciding Lyubomir’s antics were an accident waiting to happen he stepped towards his friend with the intention of disarming him.
Unfortunately at that precise moment Lyubomir brought the sword round in front of Zaprian with the result that he accidently sliced off Zaprian’s willy.

Not one to hold a grudge over what was obviously an accident Zaprian campaigned for his friend’s release…
so he could get a job and start paying the compeensation to which Zaprian feels he is due!

Selfish Teetotal Bastards Cost NHS Billions

YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

RESULT!

You know all those dire warnings we get from New Labour Thought Police agents, Doctors and medical experts in the pay of Big Pharma and a whole bevvy of whingeing, hand wringing do gooders about how much harm we do to ourselves and how much money we cost the NHS through our irresponsible drinking habits?

Did you ever suspect there was more to this story than meets they eye?

This is the news we have all beeen waiting for.

According to a report in Time Magazine new study from America, Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research shows that heavy drinkers live longer than those self righteous, self obsessed teetotallers.

While Boggart Blog, being libertarians who fully support peoples’ right to make their own choices, would never suggest teetotallers should be compelled to drink or face penalties for abstaining we urge all non drinkers to think of the burden of expense your selfish and irresponsible behaviour is imposing on the NHS.

In these financially desperate times when budget deficit reduction is so important we urge non drinkers to think twice before ordering fizzy water. All you are doig is asking the taxpayer to pay for your self indulgence.

RELATED POSTS:
NHS failing the old

We”re all going to die, WTF

Two items in yesterday’s news caught our eye. The first was good ol’ “Green” Gordon Brown’s pledge that he will give lot’s of our bankrupt nation’s hard earned to “developing nations to shield them from the effects of global warming while they continue to develop their baby making and carbon burning industries. Mr Brown justified this by saying if we don’t reverse climate change we are all going to die.

The second was that Parliament had backed a new scheme to curb increasing alcohol consumption on gounds that as we are all living longer and boozing more our geriatric cirhossised livers and other drink related problems will add £££billions to the nations health bill.

The curbing of alcohol comsumption is a ruse to stop us all wasting money on enjoying ourselves because the government know we will soon need every spare penny to pay our carbon taxes.

But if the government is serious about curbing our drinking habit they should stop promoting nihilistic despair by telling us we are all going to die of global warming, swine flu (remember that?) AIDS, bird flu, MRSA, e-coli, c-dofficile, manic depression, blocked arteries and whatever scare scams I have not mentioned.

It only makes people think, “I’m going to die, WTF, I’ll go out and get wankered.”

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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Poetic Tribute To A Prodigious Drinker (Keith Floyd)

Keith Floyd
enjoyed
the finest things in life.
Let’s not pretend,
in the end
his lifestyle gave him grief.

Keith Floyd
employed
his drinking arm too freely,
his cooking skills
and frequent spills
entertained the corpus vile

Keith Floyd
destroyed
his business and his family
but though the booze
became bad news
he died still drinking gamely

Always broke,
but what a bloke.
What tribute to deliver?
Instead of praise
we should raise
a statue of his liver.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Back From Exile

For reasons unexplained I have spent the pst few days in exile from blog.co.uk having suddenly been banished last Friday when after clicking submit the page returned a 404 error. I did get back on briefly yesterday and posted a few comments but suffered the same fate when trying to add a new item.

Feeling like Josef K in Kafka’s “The Trial” I spent most of yesterday trying to find out what was going on. None of the usual tricks like deleting all cookies worked so it was retracing steps time. Shortly before my exile began, I recalled having responded to a Google pop up inviting me to download a new version of their toolbar. Maybe it was that.

Has it ever struck you how like the situation of Josef K. the internet users lot is. Even those of us who understand the technology are powerless against the dark forces that control the web. Because they give their services free we have no contract that can be enforced. They can do anything they like on our computers without asking our consent. Even if we find a phone number for user services it will only conect to a recorded message so it is futile saying “I know where you live, I know which schools your children attend, get my access fixed now or I’ll be round with some big lads carrying baseball bats with nails through the end.

Then it struck me, here is the reason society is broken. Feeling powerless and isolated people take refuge in binge drinking, binge eating, binge shagging and binge everythingelseing (binge speedlimit breaking in my case.) We have no control over our lives.

Once the toolbar was uninstalled and and a few other files updated by Google at the same time had been restored the frustration of exile was replaced a euphocric sensation brought on by having scored a small victory against The Evil Empire.

Trouble is now the euphoria is fading i feel evem more like Josef K.

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The Price Of A Pint ? Freedom.

Health experts are say the government’s anti–drinking campaign is not working and advising that only price increases will reduce binge drinking. As your Boggart Bloggers have predicted for many years the real agenda is to demonise drinking in the same way as smoking was demonised. Tasty food will be next on the agenda.

Imposing punitive taxes to increase the price of booze will not work, all it will do is alienate the responsible drinkers and boost the takings of cross channel ferry operators. My experience of working in Sweden revealed another likely result.

In Sweden drink prices are among the highest in the world. So is the rate of liver damage. At least this proves that human resourcefulness will always find a way to beat the system which is comforting.

Swedish drinkers have to pay almost a fiver a pint for beer and a bottle of spirits costs an arm and a leg which gives them a head start when they fancy getting legless. Even with those prices the streets are full of drunks on a Friday and Saturday night, friendly drunks: at least the booze does not seem to bring out their aggression. How do people afford to get drunk at those prices? Home brewing and wine making are very popular pastimes in Sweden and I am pleased to confirm many Swedes are exceptionally competent practitioners of their hobby.

The resistance goes even deeper however. On television travel programmes you may have noticed the Swedish countryside is dotted with wooden cabins. most are quite innocent leisure homes used by families for holidays. A significant few however house illegal stills. In these cabins people distil their own Aquavit (water of life) a.k.a Moonshine, Mountain Dew, Idiot’s Broth, Journey Into Space etc. a fiery type of vodka.

Potent stuff this Aquavit is too. At one of our project parties a couple of guys brought in a jug of the product of their recreational distilling project. It was more Molotov Cocktail than Lem Moltow. For those of us brave enough to sample it they poured generous measures into paper cups usually used in the hot drinks machine. We never got to taste the liquor, it dissolved the glue that held the cups together.

I resolved to stick to Jack Daniels (made by Lem Moltow distillery for anyone who missed that joke), Chivas Regal and Old Bushmills. :yes:

Though doctors, health experts and alcohol abuse organisations back the government like but say too little is being done to curb the misuse of alcohol. The truth is they are all doing too much. Government action always achieves the opposite of what it aims to do so it follows that the more they promote the idea that drinking is bad the more people will do it.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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It’s Official – Everything Is bad For You.

A Boggart Blog in depth analysis of recent news stories has thrown up some surprising results:

Having too much sex is bad for you; not having any sex is bad for you;

the recession is is turning us into comfort food guzzlers; the recession is causing some people to cut back on food so much they are becoming malnourished;

one or two alcoholic drinks contribute to a longer life; just one or two drinks a day will turn you into a rabid alcoholic with a liver the size of Siberia;

fat is evil, totally evil, any fat, anything in fact that you can taste will cause your arteries to fur up, your kidneys to burst, your brain to become custard, your knees to turn to jelly and your tongue to grow to big for your mouth, (Jamie Oliver eats way too much fat); fat is an essential part of your diet and even hard fats like lard and beef dripping if taken in moderation are not really harmful.

Fast food is bad for you, home cooking is bad for you unless you are fully conversant with all the bacteria that lurk in fresh food.

To understand what is a normal diet and lifestyle you must first learn New Labour Newspeak (NuLab Nuspeak), how can you be on message if you cannot understand the message. When we put it to a major fast food chain that their main product is just lips and arseholes, connective tissue, chemical colouring and flavouring and horrible greasy unhealthy shite a spokesperson for the chain asked Boggart Blog : “are you referring to our high quality, affordable meal options,”

Options? You can eat horrible greasy shite or horrible greasy shite in batter. Where’s the option to have a nice fillet steak with a butter drenched baked potato and salad? That would be an option in Boggart Blog’s dictionary.

The government of course would rather we are lentil casserole made without chilli or garlic so it did not taste good. Lentil casseroles are the epitome of healthy, joyless eating. As Oscar Wilde said (or nearly said) “An excellent cook is someone who knows how to make lentil casserole but doesn’t.

It is not just food, drink and ciggies the killjoys want to scare us away from of course. Indulging in dangerous sports can cause permanent injury resulting in people becoming permanently incapacitated and ending up a burden on society. And why should the National Health Service expend valuable resources on treating people who injure themselves in pursuit of a few minutes selfish pleasure.

According to the government which always has one eye on costs and the other on jollies and privileges taxpayers money could be better spent on, and their tame scientists who will say anything required of them to get their names in the paper, everything is bad for us.

What can we do?

Is it wise to shun all the advice and carry on as we are?

Well to put things in perspective, if the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park USA blows as it is threatening to any time now, the volcanic winter will probably wipe out must life on earth. We don’t know the volcano will blow and if it does there is damn all we can do about it.

So maybe we should just carry on making the best of our life while we have one.

Scare stories abound simply because “It’s the end of civilisation as we know it,” sells newspaper and attracts viewers to television programmes while “there really isn’t much to worry about” does not. If you want to see both sides of the argument presented objectively have a look at Panicology by Simon Briscoe and Hugh Aldersley Williams. With chapters on salt, fat, binge drinking, asteroid hits on earth, vaccines, the credit crunch and diseases of most kinds it is the best antidote to Fear and Panic you will find anywhere. Apart from Boggart Blog of course.

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Pissed Pensioners Are A Social Blight say Thought Police

NOTE: Thanks to Google’s apparent obliteration of the UK (how long is it since our new stuff was indexed?) at the moment more than half our readers are from the United States and Canada. Therefore we have to point out that “pissed” is used in the British sense indicating an inebriated state and not the transatlantic meaning of irritated or bad tempered. It is not for the sake of American readers that our satirical posts are written not with scalpel sharp wit as satire should be but with sledgehammer slapstick, satire is alive and well across the pond, safe in the hands of Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert.

As Gordon Brown and his government grow more desperate in their attempts to divest themselves of any responsibility for the state of the nation and divert attention from their manifold cocking-up of the economy, education, employment, law and order, immigration and national security the dark forces of Politically Correct Thinking have turned the Thought Police stormtroopers on pissed pensioners. Silly buggers like us may be obsessing over Brown’s nauseatingly sycophantic gay love affair with Barack Obama The Thought Police have revealed that while The Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph grizzle over Obama’s dissing of Churchill’s head (it is not true BTW that the grasping Michelle Obama weighed in a valuable bust of Winston Churchill for scrap, the fact is Barry dumped it in a skip at the homeless refuge behind The Black House,) the real menace to civilisation as we know it is coming from Pissed Pensioners.

Naturally, in response to reports from their tame health scientists regarding an alleged surge in drink related fun being had by pensioners Brown’s government has declared a crackdown on Pissed Pensioners. The government’s leading health advisor told our reporter, “superannuated binge drinking is costing the economy dearly and many people aged between 90 and 120 are drastically shortening their lives because of their irresponsible drinking habits. Getting absolutely rat-arsed on sweet sherry and tonic wine might seem like the way to have a good time but the consequences can be tragic.

The problem of pissed pensioners first came to Boggart Blog’s attention a few years ago when reports of pensioners in the genteel and affluent retirement town of Harrogate, Yorkshire, enjoying a glass or two of fine wine with dinner or a malt whisky, gin and tonic or a brandy as a night-cap. People are enjoying their twilight years and it must be stamped out stormed the leader of The Politically Correct Thought Police.

Now, thanks to the new data, they are on the pensioners’ case again. with a warning that drink related accidents to pensioners are putting hospital A & E departments under severe strain. A spokesman for the public health division of the Politically Correct Thought Police “Excess alcohol consumption makes old people fall over and then they arrive at A & E departments demanding treatment and requiring hospital trusts to waste money on care when it would be better spent on jollies for hospital administrators.”

So they manage to blame pissed pensioners for chaos in hospital A & E facilities.

We love it, the dishonesty, the duplicity, the sheer mendacity, it is a joy to behold.

O tempora, O mores as the elderly Cicero might have said had he not been blathered.

In our area the A & E department of the main hospital at Blackburn is failing not because of the crowds of pissed pensioners who have tripped over their cat and suffered broken limbs. It is close to collapse because the closure on economic grounds of the area’s other A ~& E at Burnley has doubled the workload without any increase in staff or facilities.

Put that to the politicians and they say “You’re wrong, there is no evidence the closure of Burnley A & E has increased the workload at Blackburn.” Well of course there is no evidence other than the blindingly obvious fact that people do not stop having heart attacks, catching dangerous infections, falling downstairs, getting run over, having a glass smashed in their face because they looked at someone the wrong way in a pub or even being the victims of bizarre gardening accidents just because the local A & E has been closed to save money. The powers that be are not going to release data or allow anyone to collect it because they know what conclusions it will point to.

So in the absence of any evidence to the contrary must we accept the word of The Politically Correct Thought Police that A & E services are failing because and solely because of pissed pensioners who are determined to injure themselves and become burdens on the state?

Well … erm … no.

Fortunately we found a lovely little comment on a blog concerning the scandal of the pissed pensioners. The writer queries the NHS statistics that were used to back up claims of a surge in injuries to drink – related pensioners. As safety officer for a group that runs fifty care homes for the elderly this person has access to accident report data. And what does that data reveal?

Yes, pensioners in care homes do get pissed. And very often they fall over (we should point out here that there are pensioners like the Boggart Bloggers Dear Old mum who don’t need to get pissed to fall over) but few of these drink related mishaps result in hospital visits.

Party on pensioners. Boggart Blog will defend your right to get rat arsed.

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New Drinking Game – if you’re liver is hard enough.

Republican Party members in the United States have a new drinking game. They turn on any National Network television news show and every time the newsreaders says the name of “The Chosen One” they neck a shot of their liver-damage of choice.

After hearing reports of mass absenteeism from work among registered Republican voters we assigned a Boggart Blog investigative reporter to check this out. Although our music correspondent Brother Bastion is a boozer of high repute and many years standing (and sometimes not standing) he was wrecked by the commercial break in today’s lunchtime news having lost count of how many times Barack Obama was mentioned about five minutes in..

Best just check he’s OK. “Hello Daaaaaaave?”

“Grunt”

Oh well, at least he’s not choking on his own vomit.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog.
Don’t forget to visit Ian elsewhere. Check out Sandanista at Authors Den for a start

Binge Drinking Related Brain Damage Bovvers NHS

New data released just before New Year’s Eve (this is pure coincidence you understand) has shown a sharp increase in cases of brain damage related to binge drinking.

An NHS spokesperson told Boggart Blog that brain damage caused by heavy drinking sessions can leave patients confused, incapable of simple tasks and needing full time care which can cost thousands of pounds a week and occupy many nurses.

Despite these very serious concerns about health risks little is likely to be done about the problems. A press release from the Royal College of Surgeons said it would be unethical to carry out breath tests on brain surgeons before they operate on people needing neurosurgery.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

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