Google’s Wankermobile Self Driving Car Can’t Drive Itself

People are starting to trust Boggart Blog and our friend Little Nicky Machiavelli. That’s because we are always right. And we always try to sound a weeny bit humble when we say I told you so.

Recently the usual types got a bit huffy when we mercilessly mocked the much hyped Google self driving car, or Wankermobile because it looked like the kind of car you would get out of a Kinder Surprise egg (only the Google jobbie wouldn;t go as fast). Oh you are anti – science, you are anti progress, you are anti-road-safety, they said. We’re not any of those. Fatsally has a very high tech BMW, it’s fast and runs clean and has lots of gadgets, even a Sat Nav which Sally does not use because she isn’t brain dead and can read a map (that’s through growing up with three brothers) I’m not against safety but the only two accidents I’ve had in a forty odd yeard driving career occurred whem my car was standing still and the ones that hit me we going well under the speed limit. So statistically the faster I’m going the safer I am.

And as for the science bit, well let’s have the latest on the Google Wankermobile. Things are not going well we hear. As usual then, those semi autistic clowns at Google obsessed over the technology and didn’t think the practical considerations through properly.

from Auto World News (my emphasis)

Apparently the famous Google self-driving car isn’t that close to giving us hands-free transportation after all.

While Google’s fleet has safely driven more than 700,000 miles, the autonomous model relies so heavily on maps and detailed data that it can’t yet drive itself in 99 percent of the country, according to an MIT Technology Review report.

“The public seems to think that all of the technology issues are solved” with Google’s self-driving vehicle, said Steven Shladover, a researcher at the University of California, Berkeley’s Institute of Transportation Studies. “But that is simply not the case.”

Chris Urmson, director of the Google car team, has volunteered details on the car’s limits. He hopes the car will be ready by the time his 11-year-old is 16, or old enough to drive in the state of California.

“It’s my personal deadline,” said Urmson, as quoted by the MIT Review.

The Google car depends on detailed preparations where the car’s exact route is mapped out before the trip, a process far more intensive than the effort needed for Google Maps. Weather is also an issue: Google’s much-touted self-driving car has never maneuvered snow, and it’s not yet safe to drive in heavy rain either.

For Once The Animal Was Sober (not sure about the human)

At this time of year Boggart Blog likes to bring you news about the misdemeanours of animals that have become intoxicated on alcohol formed by natural fermentation while dining on fruit fallen from trees. These stories usually involve sober humans being left traumatised following encounters with inebriated elks, squiffy squirrels, bladdered badgers, sozzled starlings and pie-eyed porkers.

This story however concerns animals that were stone cold sober and following the green cross code. The deer were travelling (to a stag night?) cross – country near Fargo, (a village close to Wells), when their presence pissed off a passing driver so much she felt compelled to call the local radio station. The call went like this:

This is Dave Rogers Talktime, Fargo, North Dakota, radio station Y94, Our next caller is Donna. Donna has some problems with deer crossings. Over the last few years, she’s been involved in several deer-related car accidents, and she decided to call the show to talk about how her deer crossing issues should be address. The airwaves are yours Donna.

“I want to know why are government people placing the signs in high-traffic areas?”

Well maybe they place signs where the deer want to cross roads Donna.

“If that’s why, shouldn’t we be encouraging deer to cross the road in low-traffic areas rather than on busy highways?”

Maybe it’s because the deer can’t read the crossing signs but drivers can Donna. We have to make allowances for dumb animals

“The government have the money and the technology, they can guide deer to lower traffic areas, it’s unfair drivers should be inconvenience by having to slow down or stop for deer when we have to get to work or to an appointment. Derr don’t pay taxes why should they be treated like they are privileged”

We’re sure the government have teams of scientists working on it, Donna. Thanks for your call.

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For once the animal was sober

Neither the driver, the moose nor the bear was drunk

When the news ticker in the Boiggart Blog office brought us a story of a Norwegian driver who while driving on a rural road swerved his car to avoid running into a moose, only to hit a bear instead we were intrigued. Every year we bring you a crop of stories about animals getting drunk on the alcohol produced by natural fermentation of fruit left on trees to decay.

However not only is it a little early for apple trees to be making natural cider but in this case neither the bear, the moose or the driver appears to have been drunk.

The driver spotted the moose on a country road near Hanestad, 139 miles north of Oslo, around midnight on Wednesday 15 August, and tried to go around the animal, not realising that a combative bear was also nearby, offering to take on all comers.

“The driver had lost a bit of speed as he tried to avoid the moose which lessened the impact when he hit the bear,” said Svein Erik Bjorke of the local wildlife authority, who was out in the forest searching for the wounded animal.

“We are currently tracking the bear and we have found traces of blood,” he said.

The driver escaped uninjured while his car suffered some damage. The Moose, a large male, wandered off saying he could not hang around as he was on his way to a stag night.

Norway’s rugged mountains are sparsely populated and full of wildlife. The country, nearly the size of Germany but home to just five million people, has around 100,000 moose, at least 10% being seasonal alcoholics and 15,000 brown bears, authorities said.

Pootling Along

I hate weekends. Or to be exact I hate having to go out in the car at weekends. The roads are full of people pootling along.

Now readers of this blog will know that as far as I, my sister fatsally and our non blogging bother Gra. are concerned there are only three unforgivable sins, murder, rape and pootling along.

This morning I offered to take my wife to the supermarket and because the Asda car park is like Paris at rush hour and the red wine at Tescos is mostly coloured water mixed with anti-feeze and sulphur I decided to go to Booth’s, the posh peoples’ supermarket at Clitheroe.

Big mistake. First we got stuck behind a hippie in a Morris Minor. This guy had long, straggly grey / brown hair, a wispy beard and sandals (Obviously I could not see that he was wearing sandals but he was, as sure as you have a hole in your bottom,) … and he was pootling along. OK, its hard to do anything else except pootle along in a Morris Minor with a split windscreen (i.e. a really old Morris Minor) but to add insult to injury he had a Friends Of The Earth flag flying from his radio aerial.

Now an 850 cc engined Morris Minor, with the flat top low compression engine may only have less than half the engine capacity of my Honda but it is ten times as dirty.

And this idiot was patronising me.

Grrr, Grrr went my two litre V-TEC engine to let me know it was getting pissed off. I stuck my foot down and with a contemptuous snort zooomed past, only to land behind someone in a Toyota Prius with one of those “Please drive carefully – child on board bumper stickers.

Now those really make me mad – and my car. Grrrrrrr, Grrrrrrrr! went the engine while I fumed, “Me drive carefully? What has it to do with me? It’s your effing kid, you drive carefully or better still catch the bus. I’ve got places to go, people to see.”

Give me the weekday traffic of angry businessmen, impatient salesmen, homicidal drivers of white vans and bus drivers who don’t know what an indicator is. At least they are intent on getting somewhere.

Eventually we got to Booths, got the wine and took the scenic route home which is about twice as far but a road frequented by mad bikers and so much to scary for pootlers.

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Stupid Idea Of The Week: The Child Illusion.

Boggart Blog like to give out awards. People think we are bad tempered, curmudgeonluy piss takers who can see no good in anything but they could not be more wrong. We always like to give credit where its due. An example of this is our Stupid Criminal Of The Week Award which we have not been able to award for several weeks because no criminals stupid enough have come to our attention.

No worries, we are delighted to announce the inaugural Boggart Blog Most Gobsmakingly Stupid Idea Of The Week Award. The first award in this series goes to the municipal traffic engineers in Vancouver B.C. for this:

Drivers near 22nd street in West Vancouver will be confronted with what seems like a young girl running after a ball in front of their vehicle. In reality, it’s a decal on the pavement that looks like a real person. Signage near the 3D image reads “You’re probably not expecting kids to run out on the road.”

No. And we’re not expecting stupid cunts to trick us into thinking a kid has run out into the road either.

OK so this trick is great the first day, it causes many multiple pile ups as drivers brake hard to avoid the child. There is blood, there are deaths and serious injuries. Then word spreads through group e-mails, blogs, tweets, local TV and Radio news etc.

Next day everyone knows its an optical illusion and drives past without slowing down.

And they next time a kid runs into the road in front of one of those drivers they think, “Oh, it only one of those stupid optical illusion things” and splat.

Municipal authority of Vancouver you we give you this golden fuckwit statuette for your self importance, stupidity and total lack of the ability to think things through.

The Budget: Labour’s Economic Genius

This being a big day for editors of both piss taking blogs and shit stirring blogs (I have one of each) newspapers had to be bought this morning.

The Daily Telegraph lived up to expectations, I mean you don’t buy a pig and expect it to say “baa” do you? The Guardian however, the New Labour house mag, surpassed itself.

Since the election when Labour was defeated and the Condemned coalition took over, the the paper has on a twice weekly basis featured Polly Toynbee blethering on about what a god-awful mess the coalition have made of the economy which was in an absolutely wonderful state when Labour left office six weeks ago. More recently Polly has been creaming her pants as she tells us what a wonderful, inspirational leader Deadward is going to be as soon as the Milliband boys can get their quiffs synchronised.

To be fair The Guardian’s reporting of the budget did show a little more balance. They held off accusing George Osborne of eating baby pandas.

In a budget feature titled “What It Means For You” the paper demonised Osborne by showing how his increase in VAT will reduce academics, social workers, teachers and media professionals to penury and push “the poor” into third world levels of deprivation. “This will put a tenner on the price of an iPhone, what will that do to the the living standards of the poorest 10%?” the paper screamed.

Well as the poorest 10% will not be buying iPhones any time soon (or not legally sourced ones anyway) we say “fuck all.”

Another part of the article was wailing about the extra 2.5% on petrol. The example of drivers with their own car who spend £2600 a year on petrol was used. “Are there any Guardian readers who own cars since Ian cancelled his order?” you might well ask,” The paper seems to place car owners on a lower rung of the ladder of social acceptability than Fred West and Peter Sutcliffe. Perhaps the six dozen remaining Guardian readers are all wispy bearded vegans now, but car owners will be rushing to subscribe when they get wind of this socialist economic miracle. The hypothetical driver driver who spends £2,600 a year on petrol will find his expenditure rising to £2,255.

If that means my favourite red wine will go up from £7 a bottle to £6.75 I’m all for it.

On the other hand it does explain why Labour supporters still believe Gordon Brown’s government left the economy in great shape and the Condems are too stupid to understand what a wonderful thing they inherited.

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More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Poles Driving The Paddy Wagon.

News of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country’s most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.

Prawo Jazdy had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines. However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.

But then his cover was blown. It was discovered that “Prawo Jazdy” is actually Polish for “driving licence” and not the first and surname on the licence. The Garda computer system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities.”

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Highway Sex Code

Boggart Network News…
From Special Correspondent – d’Wight van Dryver (motoring)

Highway Sex Code

Congratulations to the people who write the Highway Code. In the new edition they have not only come up with some of the most spurious advice ever given to the public by civil servants, they have incited sex crime.

Here are a few items of highway etiquette advised by the book:

Do not talk to passengers while driving.
Yeah, right. And when the kids are screaming “are we nearly there yet” every two seconds we just ignore them do we?

Do not listen to loud music in the car.
And where else can you play Bat Out Of Hell or your Iron Maiden albums these days without identifying yourself as a sad old fart. And anyway, why is loud music banned when it is OK to play soft music which could lull you to sleep at the wheel, causing you to veer into the path of oncoming traffic and cause a multi vehicle pile up resulting in many serious injuries and a few deaths.

Do not smoke behind the wheel.
This is just lunacy as it encourages drivers to put the car in cruise control and abandon the wheel while they climb into the rear seat for a quick ciggy.

Do not change CDs, adjust knobs or look at Sat Nav while driving.
Well apart from the fact Sat Nav will only direct you into a river, over a ravine or across a ploughed field, what is the point of having it if we don’t look at it? Adjusting knobs etc.? So it is dangerous to use indicators while driving, turn lights on, raise of lower temperature or put on a CD of soft, easy listening tunes? OK. We can see everybody following that advice.

Do not eat, drink, read or put on makeup while driving.
The type of people who do those things are hardly likely to be the ones who look in the Highway Code are they.

But our favourite was this:

If you feel tired while driving on the motorway, pull off at the next services.
Now that sounds to us as if it would involve several arrestable offences.

This is d’Wight van Dryver, Boggart Network News, M6

Blind Driver? You Couldn’t Make It Up

News today of a blind Iraqi who lost his eyes in a bomb blast has been convicted of dangerous driving after making a half-mile journey through Oldbury in the West Midlands. Omed Aziz had followed instructions on steering and braking which were given by a friend in the passenger seat, Warley magistrate’s
court was told. The 31-year-old from Wednesbury, West Midlands will be sentenced next Monday.
Sounds like yet another case of the authorities discriminating against the diabled.

More original humour every day from Boggart Blog