Stupid Criminal Of The Week: Cop was DUI while on duty

When it comes to stupid crime, the idea of an on duty police officer being pulled over for drunk driving definitely qualifies foe a Stupid Criminal Of The Week Award.
After driving on the wrong side of the road and recklessly weaving from lane to lane, South African cop Nkuleleko Mbanjwa stopped for no apparent reason and was pulled out of his vehicle by Russell George who alleged the man was drunk. The police officer had alcohol on his breath and witnesses suggested he had been drinking heavily.

While the South African incident has people shocked, it was the decision of civilian Russell George that makes everyone realize how lucky it was nobody was injured. The armed police officer was held by George with a citizen arrest and put into the back of the police vehicle while more police came. While Russell first called the police to assist, no officers came to the scene immediately and the citizen was concerned the alleged tipsy cop would have driven off and caused a serous accident.

Nkuleleko Mbanjwa apparently was celebrating his birthday and claimed he had only had one drink. This turned out to be true but the one drink was a litre bottle of spirits.

Not only is it alleged that he was driving recklessly there was another traffic incident reported too. He allegedly hit another vehicle prior to his arrest but fled the scene.

Fact check it isn’t this story I used several sources.

Not like a bat out of hell. Songs to drive safely by.

In yet another scientific research project aimed at proving science is a career for tossers who like to have lots of time on their hands and do not have enough imagination to fill it intelligently, a bunch of scientists have been researching which songs are the safest to drive to.

Each of the songs in the top ten have an optimum tempo of a song for safe driving, mimicking the human heartbeat at around 60 to 80 beats per minute.

Among the top ten safest songs to drive to are Come Away With Me by Norah Jones, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith and Tiny Dancer by Elton John. Anyone who would listen to that crap would never dare risk going above 30 mph of course so we must assume the science did not extend to looking at the risk of being rear ended by Jeremy Clarkson. Actually I wouldn’t mind read ending Norah Jones myself.

The Scientist by Coldplay and Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River also appeared in the top 10. A song called The Scientist? And it’s by Coldplay. What kind of driver would listen to that? They don’t sell Ladas in this country any more do they? Morris Minor drivers maybe? Tofu noshing G Wiz drivers?

The study, conducted at London Metropolitan University, also revealed the type of songs that cause motorists to drive dangerously.

Now this is what really pisses me off about scientists. FFS why do they insist on trying tell us what we already know and then getting it wrong.

The songs most likely to result in a write off, as any fule kno, are:

Bat Out Of Hell – Meat Loaf,
Paranoid – Black Sabbath,
Born To Run – Bruce Springsteen,

none of which were named by the study.

Having said that, I’ve always like to get my wellie down to O Fortuna from Carmina Burania.

Says Who?

Driving home from Sheffield last night after an enjoyable evening watching Alan Davies, well worth the £25 if you get the chance to go along,however SezJez says she’s never felt so young since she took her Dad to see The Stranglers for his birthday a couple of years ago, I elected to go along the A61 as opposed to the cross country and much more fun B roads that I usually use. It’s donkeys years since I drove along that stretch of the 61 and the bastards have made it a 50 mph speed limit. Not only that, at seemingly every kink in the road they have put up “Maximum Speed 40 MPH” and at one point 35 MPH.

So there are all the goody two shoeses, driving along at 39 mph then slowing dramatically to 25 mph at every slight deviation from the straight and narrow. Of course when they get to the street-lit 30 mph zones they all speed up ro at least forty, I presume because they can see where they are going.

And I’m driving along, calm but frustrated because even the sharpest bend on this stretch can be taken, at worst, at a good fifty, 60+ in the Polo and probably well in excess of 70 in the GTi, without straying over the white line or ending up in a ditch.

So it made me wonder, was it just a knee-jerk reaction to a bad accident involving an uninsured, teenage drunk, driving a car too powerful for his limited capabilities and showing off to the gaggle of peers in the passenger seats?

Or did somebody, an 84 year old, flat cap wearing, pipe-smoking, short sighted grandpa perhaps, actually go out and drive along the road at gently increasing speed until they were either too scared to carry on, or they lost control and crashed, or thier nose started to bleed?

Either way, if there is a vacancy for a road test driver can I put myself up for it, I can even supply 3 very different vehicles to do the test in. C’mon that’s got to be worth £50 grand p.a. of any highways agency’s money.

The Greatest Love

No "Rough Music" In Wetwang

Went to the seaside on Sunday, well for a walk along the cliff tops at Flamborough Head, then back to the cafe for superb fish and chips – but as we had left BBC in charge of knocking up Sunday dinner to be ready upon our return we only had, my dear old Mum would be proud of me, one portion and two plates.

Lovely drive there, along the A166, through lots of quaint little villages, one place even boasted a genuine Open All Hours Arkwrightesque hardware and grocer’s shop.

And nearly every village we meandered through greeted us with a sign displaying the white rose of Yorkshire, the name of the village and the information that Wetwang fr’instance, “welcomed careful drivers”.

But they didn’t.

We drove through each village carefully and in not one did we receive any sort of welcome at all, although I daresay Arkwright would have been happy to charge me for a ch-ch-ch-cheery hhhhhhhhello.

There wasn’t any bunting, nobody lining the roadside waving flags, neither cheering nor clapping, no little street urchins happily trying to keep pace with our carefully driven Audi TT, no words of encouragement daubed in white paint on the tarmac. Not a sausage. Zilch. Nada.

I was a bit disappointed because I had been looking forward to the opposite greeting that a careless driver might receive.

Jeers and abuse, rotten egg throwing, heckling, pitch forks being waved and perhaps even a dentally challenged old farmer aiming his trusty twelve bore at the careless mescreants.

Perhaps we would even see some rough music, as the feckless sped through the village, mounting kerbs, knocking over dustbins, causing old ladies to hurry out of the way, gangs of villagers would pursue them down the road, banging away on old pans with sturdy kitchen utensils.

That’d show them, they’d think twice about driving carelessly through Wetwang the next time.

If Only…..

Pootling Along

I hate weekends. Or to be exact I hate having to go out in the car at weekends. The roads are full of people pootling along.

Now readers of this blog will know that as far as I, my sister fatsally and our non blogging bother Gra. are concerned there are only three unforgivable sins, murder, rape and pootling along.

This morning I offered to take my wife to the supermarket and because the Asda car park is like Paris at rush hour and the red wine at Tescos is mostly coloured water mixed with anti-feeze and sulphur I decided to go to Booth’s, the posh peoples’ supermarket at Clitheroe.

Big mistake. First we got stuck behind a hippie in a Morris Minor. This guy had long, straggly grey / brown hair, a wispy beard and sandals (Obviously I could not see that he was wearing sandals but he was, as sure as you have a hole in your bottom,) … and he was pootling along. OK, its hard to do anything else except pootle along in a Morris Minor with a split windscreen (i.e. a really old Morris Minor) but to add insult to injury he had a Friends Of The Earth flag flying from his radio aerial.

Now an 850 cc engined Morris Minor, with the flat top low compression engine may only have less than half the engine capacity of my Honda but it is ten times as dirty.

And this idiot was patronising me.

Grrr, Grrr went my two litre V-TEC engine to let me know it was getting pissed off. I stuck my foot down and with a contemptuous snort zooomed past, only to land behind someone in a Toyota Prius with one of those “Please drive carefully – child on board bumper stickers.

Now those really make me mad – and my car. Grrrrrrr, Grrrrrrrr! went the engine while I fumed, “Me drive carefully? What has it to do with me? It’s your effing kid, you drive carefully or better still catch the bus. I’ve got places to go, people to see.”

Give me the weekday traffic of angry businessmen, impatient salesmen, homicidal drivers of white vans and bus drivers who don’t know what an indicator is. At least they are intent on getting somewhere.

Eventually we got to Booths, got the wine and took the scenic route home which is about twice as far but a road frequented by mad bikers and so much to scary for pootlers.

Keep the engine running
Reasons to hate the Toyota Prius
Just drive

Open Season On Cyclists

Best news from the coalition government so far is the announcement that speed cameras are to be scrapped.

“Why is this good news?” road safety fans will ask, “does Boggart Blog approve of the carnage on our roads?”

Well, if there was carnage on our roads we wouldn’t but British roads are the safest in Europe. Speed kills, the road safety whiners will whine, doing what people who claim they are logical and scientific always do and resorting to emotive and sentimental hand wringing when someone points out their statistics are made up. The truth is bad driving kills. Keep handing out driving licences to semi literate morons and people will continue to die. But what is responsible for more deaths on the road than bad driving is stupidity.

Speed does not kill. I have only had two accidents in a forty year driving career. My car was standing still and the cars that hit me were travelling well below the speed limit in each. I only remember fatsally having one accident serious enough to warrant an insurance claim and her car was stationary at the time. Statistical proof then that the slower you are going the more danger you are in.

What wound me up about this is an article on The Guardian website today by environmentalist George Monbiot, one of those cyclists who pedals around wearing a stupid helmet that make him look like a penguin that got stuck in reverse. George does not like speed which is OK because he lives in rural Wales where there is nowhere to go and fuck all to do when you get there.

Now I usually like George even when I disagree with him. He’s a stylish writer and presents his arguments well. Except when he starts going on about how unsafe cars are. Because cars are not unsafe, it’s all the other shit they let on the roads that is not safe.

Cyclists are not safe, they put on their reverse penguin helmets oblivious to the fact these items are fitted with an electronic chip that overrides their brain signals, switches off their self preservation instinct and makes them think they can carve up Range Rovers, White Vans and everything else and be safe because when a pedestrian or cyclist gets hurt it is always the car driver’s fault.

WRONG! The car drier may get a fine or a ban or a community service order but that is not going to restore the life of some imbecile who thought his moral superiority and love of the planet immunised him against the effects of being hit by a ton and a half of metal travelling at twenty five miles an hour.

And pedestrians, they are a bigger hazard to other road users than any car, even a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joy rider. Why? Because pedestrians are imbeciles, that’s why. They are too stupid to be allowed anywhere near roads. If they had even minimal intelligence they would be driving cars.

Skateboarders. Who let them out on roads with no brakes or steeting controls? They should be locked up in padded cells with their skateboarders rammed up their arses. There’s a park in Accrington where if the skateboarders set off from the top end just as traffic lights change a few hundred yards away on the main road a string of them will explode from the park gates and shoot across the road just before the first car gets there. Unless of course the first car is a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joyrider.

Not long ago the excellent Anna Raccoon featured a video some New Zealand suicide skateboarders (video and article) had made of themselves skateboarding down the motorway, swooping in and out of streams of traffic and acting like arseholes skateboarders. It was going viral on the web at the time so you can bet its only a matter of time before our arrested adolescent knobhead army are having a go. And whose fault will it be when one of the silly little fuckers gets mashed. The car driver’s of course.

George Monbiot cites the safety of children in his hand wringing whine against people who have lives to get on with. They always bring children into it, these people who claim they are so logical, so rational, so scientific.

They want science. OK, Darwinian evolution. We used to teach our kids road safety, the Green Gross Code Man, Darth Vader before he went over to the dark side, would remind kids to look both ways and make sure the road was clear and it was safe to cross. Politically Correct Thinking put a stop to than. Teaching kids to cross roads safely imposed the repressive rules of bourgeois society on the little darlings preventing their ability to express their creativity from developing freely. And anyway the Green Cross Code man looked like a paedophile.

Let’s put light controlled crossings everywhere, said the handwringers, and get drivers well wound up because kids press the button and then run off and traffic has to stop at the red light even though there is nobody waiting to cross.

Where there is no light to help them cross safely of course kids just run out into the road because nobody taught them any diffrent. So to protect the little darlings from their own stupidity we get speed limits an old lady on a mobility scooter would be in danger of breaking, exhaust wrecking bumps everywhere and kids who think nothing can ever harm them. Suddenly survival of the fittest does not work any more because the handwringers are protecting all the little arseholes who we really do not want contributing to the gene pool

Still, in the eyes of the politically correct thought police the only thing children need to know about road safety is, “If you get mashed it is always the car driver’s fault.”

If we are serious about road safety here’s what we need to do. Raise speed limits because I have proved the slower you go the more at risk you are, ban cyclists, pedestrians and people who obey speed limits because anyone who cannot think for themself should not be driving, abolish children, kill all skateboarders; not because I hate them or they are evil or dangerous people but because it’s to only humane thing to do.

George Monbiot – Evidence Of The War Involving Motorists

Ban Smokers From Procreating!!!

More health news.

A kidney dish of Doctors have called for smoking to be banned in cars to protect the young from inhaling the carcinogenic smoke.

The doctors claim that there are over 50,000 unnecessary visits to GPs’ surgeries by children as a result of them travelling in cars with smokers. But surely some of these must be due to little Tommy deciding to see just hoow hot the cigarette lighter gets, or those unfortunate times when the fag is flicked into the lap of the child in the back rather than out of the window?

Ah well, I suppose you’ve got to start somewhere but why does everyone have to suffer? And this is from me, a non-smoker, who banned smoking in my own car well over twenty years ago.

I think the first step should probably be to ban smokers in their fertile years from having children.

A simple solution and probably for the best all round.

Children not subjected to second hand smoke, parents not driven to lighting up another fag to soothe their frazzled nerves after yet another sleepless night as baby/toddler/child/ adolescent/ teenager, cries/ tantrums/ plays computer games/ slams doors and raids the fridge whilst moaning that “you just don’t understand”/ promises to be home by midnight and then disappears off the face of the earth for the next 24 – 48 hours.

If only they’d think these things through!

You Don’t Say!

Yet another science related story from your intrepid Boggartblog reporters.
It may seem we are concentrating on science at the moment, but quite honestly there isn’t much else to have a laugh about and once every Labour MP has let slip that the election is going to be in early May and Gordon has finally announced this on March 28th well we will be up and running politics, politics and bollocks.

So scientists at the university of Illinois in Chicago have discovered that the ability to listen to and recall convesations diminishes whilst driving.

You don’t say!

Researchers at Boggartblog have long held that the ability to drive diminishes whilst listening to and participating in conversation.

Never Mix Science And Politics

Are we nearly there yet?

So, summer is here and people are setting off on holiday to see new places, experience new cultures, or just catch a bit of sun (that yellowy-orange – or sometimes brown, depending on where you live – thing that sets in the sky about 4pm in December…remember it?)

When I was little, we used to go to South Wales, which is a long, vomit inducing drive to a car-sick 7 year old. Later we used to drive to France for camping trips. On all occasions involving long drives, there was a map present. Maps were all we had in them days, you see. I don’t recall us ever getting stupidly lost. I’m a firm believer in maps to this day. I refuse to get a satnav/GPS system, and not just because it would probably cost more than my car is worth.

This week, a Swedish couple holidaying in Italy set out for the isle of Capri, but spelt it wrong and ended up in northern industrial town Carpi. Now, spelling errors are an easy mistake to make and I doubt there is a spell checker. But they didn’t realise their error until they went to the tourist office in Carpi and asked where they could find the famous Blue Grotto. Being that they were 400 miles away, the bloke behind the desk must have thought the Italian equivalent of Jermemy Beadle was about to jump out. A tourism official has been quoted as saying “Capri is an island. They did not even wonder why they did not cross a bridge or take a boat”. My point exactly.

I have countless friends and colleagues (and I hate to say it, but most of them are women) with sat nav who have had similar incidents. There are often two towns with the same name in France. The driver input the destination and set off, ending up 6 hours away from the place she wanted to be, and having to sleep in the car. Another set out up a closed (with clear signage) mountain pass in the Alps in winter because her sat nav told her to. It was a miracle they didn’t slip off a cliff edge. She was with her boyfriend (who was a dick) and neither of them thought about checking the directions they had been given until it was nearly too late. Several others have similar stories, and yet none of them have even considered buying a map as a back up.

“Well, I don’t need a map, ’cause I’ve got sat nav and that tells me where to go”. Bollocks. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have had to sleep in your car/drive around Granada for 7 hours and come out going in the wrong direction/go via Paris on your way from Exeter to Newcastle/get your car wedged between two concrete cows on a farm track in Milton Keynes.

I’m not suggesting that everyone using sat nav is clueless, but it seems a fair proportion of users lack a common sense gland.

Also, the voice of the sat nav woman is so annoying; if you do realise she is wrong and continue the way you should go, she almost starts shouting at you, as if you were a small child. She actually reminds me of one of my Catholic primary school teachers. If I was to own one it would only last about ten minutes into the first journey before I fell into a Clarkson-esque rant and chucked it through the window.

If you must use sat nav, always carry a map as backup, and look at it before you set off.

Puffin up The Power Of Sat Nav Technology

Sat Nav Blunders I suppose you could even call it Sat Nav Schadenfreude. What kind of person takes pleasure in hearing of the Sat Nav misfortunes of others. Well, the kind this blogger is obviously.

Strange Sat Nav facts Do you know how many drivers try to murder their Sat Nav?

Death By Sat Nav Has anyone been directed into a fatal situation by Sat Nav or do they just nag drivers to death

More Humour Every Day At Boggart Blog

and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

Engage Clutch, Put Into Gear And Start Moving

Police pulled over a motorist near Oslo, Norway, as he was travelling in excess of 80 mph and driving erratically, veering from side to side.
WAs it drink, drugs, both or just general incompetence the police wondered.
Well no it was because the female front seat passenger was sitting on the drivers lap and sexual intercourse was taking place.
Wow, beats the stories of the motorised blow job hands down!