Funny Exam Answers. There Really Is No Hope For Humanity

It is probably too much of a generalisation to say humanity when what I mean is the English speaking world but the website currently going viral, funnyexam.com really does lead one to think that the pandemifc of dumbing down is universal.

Teacher from Britain and America are posting the silliest, wildest, most hopeless answers to exam questions on the website. A few years ago pages such as this would have featured verbal errors but now it seems pupils are so conditioned to communicate in non verbal images they draw picturesa to illustrate their stupidity.

Sample some of the postings at Funny Exam Answers

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How Hopeless Pupils Can Pass Exams

A regular commentator, Nenesse1, left a response to yesterday’s post sayng (in French) that it will soon only be necessary to write one’s name on the paper to pass an exam.

I don’t know if my reply, in French, will impress Francophones but it impressed me 🙂

Clearly though the Frech education system is not yet as dumbed down as ours because here lazy pupils who know how to work the politically correct making system can assemble a pass mark though the various uplifts available. We posted on that a couple of years ago so let’s do a bit of recycling:

In my school days, admittedly more years ago than I care to remember, trying to justify the non – delivery of homework projects with the excuse “please Sir, the dog ate it,” was not exactly fresh and original but was still guaranteed to raise a ripple of laughter from classmates. Now of course it is a tired and lame excuse used as a last resort only by the terminally dull – witted. Family pets have advanced in status so much they can actually make a positive contribution to academic achievement.

Britain’s leading examination boards announced this week that results may be upgraded if it is known that the candidate has suffered an emotionally distressing experience in the run up to the exam. Qualifying experiences include death of a parent or sibling (5% upgrade) parent or sibling being diagnosed with a serious illness (5%) death of a distant relative (3%) a broken limb within 48 hours (3%) a broken limb on the mend (2%) – this throws a whole new light on the theatrical expression of encouragement “break a leg” – and so on, with the death of Fido or Pyssykins weighing in at 2% if it happens within 48 hours of the exam or 1% between to days and a week prior. Monty Python fans will be emotionally distressed to learn that the death of a parrot warrants nothing.

A spokesperson for one of the examination boards responding to criticism that the scheme is politically correct mollycoddling of the young said that the maximum upgrade had been set at 5% in order to discourage abuse of the system. As she does not say whether the upgrades will cumulative I fear the bureaucrats have once more underestimated the ingenuity of ordinary punters. Consider the possibilities in a literature examinationÂ…

QUESTION: In Shakespearean tragedy the downfall of the main character is often a result of a failure to address obvious flaws in his own character. Discuss this with particular reference to Hamlet and Macbeth.

ANSWER: Both Hamlet and Macbeth areÂ… Oh GOD! WHAT IS THE POINT? Why should I sit this exam when with a bare bodkin I could my quietus make. Who cares about qualifications and careers. Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Shakespeare’s tragedies? Are there not enough tragedies in the real world. To write or not to write that is the question, when all our yesterdays have lit the way of fools to dusty death.

Only yesterday my beloved Labrador Bonzo shuffled off this mortal coil when a car, driven by my uncle Jim, mowed him down. Jim did try to avoid Bonzo but lost control of the car and perished himself when he hit a wall.

I felt guilty about having let Bonzo off the leash and rushed to cradle the poor dogs noble head as he breathed his last. When the paramedics led me away I noticed my hands were covered in blood. “Will all Neptune’s great ocean was clean the blood from this my hand I cried out.
Just then my mobile phone rang. It was my mother calling from the hospital to tell me she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and within six months would be heading for that unexplored country from in whose bourne no traveller returns.

In a perfect world I would be able to turn for comfort to my Dad, a virtuous man, but as it says in Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 “Virtue itself ‘scapes not calumnious strokes and Dad has been paralysed these three years.

I asked my sister, a Goth to let me have some of her downers, after all our little lives are ended with a sleep. “Each man is but a poor player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more so help me exit pursued by a bear,” I entreated her.

“But in that sleep of death what dreams may come? Fuck off and buy you own drugs;” she quipped rather wittily in the circumstances just before falling downstairs and breaking her leg.

Then I heard a terrible sound coming from the kitchen and rushed in just in time to see poor Pussykins choke to death on a furball.

I tried to sleep last night, for after all, we are such stuff as dreams are made of, our little lives are rounded with a sleep.

But what will it avail me if I pass this examination. There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy Mr. Examination Marker.

And if you add it all up that should be worth a pass.

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Childrens’ Science Exam.

One of my friends at gather.com posted a brilliantly funny piece today so I though we would all enjoy it. Here are a few samples:

Children’s Science Exam posted on Gather.com by Rovin V.

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children’s science exam answers…

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

CLICK HERE to read full post Children’ Science Exams

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A Tale Told By An Idiot

Whacky Answers to GCSE questions

I ought to say I love these whacky exam question responses when they come round each year, but the truth is I have heard too many of them before to belive they are genuine.

Still as I couldn’t be arsed writing a blog today and they make me laugh, here we go.

ANSWERS TO GCSE QUESTIONS (allegedly)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.>abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts, the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.