Life On Mars ( space technology )

Following the news that astronomers using the latest technology have recently discovered several planets in distant star systems that could possibly support life, the Boggart Blog news team have been out and about learning how you, the punters, feel about the possibility that we may be about to make contact with aliens.

Fatsally in the Midlands, spoke to Dairyman John Farmer who said:

Aliens, we don’t want none o’ them round here, don’t know what they’re carryin, could be worser’n Baaadgers spreadin’ bovine TB. Some o’ they got six heads and twelve legs I ‘eerd. How faaast would foot an ‘ mouth spread if we had a few o’ them running round eh? No, the faaarmin’ community don’t want no aliens. ‘cept in carrot picking season. How faaast would they ‘aaarvest a field o’ carrots with eight aaarms each? But you don’ want to go letting they in willy nilly, got to be careful. I mean we don’t want none from the moon, all that free cheese, what’s that goin to do with wholesale prices eh? And as for them buggers from the milky way, well if they gets in it would about kill the dairy hindustry.
Unless the government was to increase our subsidies of course. Yes if the subsidies were raised that might ‘elp.

The Boggart Blog reporter then put it to Mr. Farmer that he was not quite conversant with the difference between foreign nationals and extra – terrestrial life forms and asked would he be prepared to pay both foreign nationals and extraterrestrials minimum wage for working on his farm. Mr Farmer then became aggressive, saying:
Minimum wage, you bloody communist, we don’t want no minimum wage here, its hard enough to make ends meet as it is. Is you from The Guardian? Get Orf Moi Laaand!”

Next the BBC (Boggart Blog Cub) Reporter asked teens at the skateboard park how they would feel if aliens landed..

Teenagers (speaking at once):
Aliens, sick
Yeah, bare – live
Yeuch not, they’re well munty
My rents are aliens
Aliens are gay
They’re random, they got pointy ears.
Make some phat drugs I heard
They slime and have dogbreath, rank
I went to a gig
They come out of your guts, I seen it in a film
Eugh, thak would mek you puke
That was a film, real one grow in pods
Praps I’ll get to shag one

Finally Ian spoke to London cabbie Sol Glickstein:

Aliens mate, naw, I don’t mind aliens coming to London, Poles, Czechs, Scroats, s’long as they pays its all the same to me. I don’t like them Alike Ad though, you never know what they got under their hats. You can hardly say to someone, “’ere are you a sewer side bomber” can you, so I gives them a swerver.
Wot? space aliens. Well that’s different, why didn’t you say. I’ll tell you who I had in my cab last week, that Captain Jean Luc Picard. Gin’ t’see his Mum in Barnsley he was.
I says to him Jean – Luc mate, I dunno how you puts up with them aliens in your nice shiny spaceship, wot wiv them drippin slime all over the place. I wouldn’ want ‘em in my cab mate.”
Anyway, he’s a decent geezer that Jean – Luc Picard, a French starship captain from Barnsley, you don’t meet them every day, anyway, he give me the lowdown on them space aliens. They got great technology and their women can have five hundred babies at a time and the entire family can live for months on a handful of Cassiopian lentils. And they don’t have no national health in space you know, I reckon they only comes here to get free hearing aids. But we don’t want them coming in do we? Takin our jobs and seducin our women. And them teleporter things they have, what’s that going to do to the cab trade eh?

So there we have it. If the aliens do arrive they will be greeted with mixed feelings by the people of Britain. This has been a Boggart Network News on the spot report.

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