At Last: Political Leaders Are Getting The Message About Blair

You’ve got to love this headline:

Serbian Prime Minster Refuses To Hire ‘English Gay Fart Tony Blair’

Several news gathering services are reporting today that Serbian Prime Minister Aleksandar Meerkat Vucic has refused to hire Tony Blair as his advisor on the country’s accession to the EU on the grounds he’s too expensive. Instead the prince of darkness Peter Mandelson has got the gig. It the press release Vucic failed to mention that he previously edited a book entitled “English Gay Fart Tony Blair”.

Earlier this month Vucic met Blair in Belgrade to discuss engaging him as his personal advisor. It has now emerged the discussion were related to Serbia’s ambition to gain membership of the European Union so they can get their hands on some of Germany’s money and send their rapists, thugs, pimp, ponces and people traffickers to Britain. Slovenia is the only former Yougoslavian Republic to have gained EU membership so far.

But Mr Vucic has not always been such a big fan of Blair. As Yugoslavia began to breakup Blair persuaded the international community to pursue a very hard-line with Belgrade. This ultimately led to the West invading both Bosnia and Kosovo, allowing both to secede from Yugoslavia, effectively ending its existence.

The book’s title, Vucic’s press officer claims, was not intended to cast aspersions on Mr Blair’s sexuality but instead to suggests that he is comparable to flatulence. The writers are thought to have believed that being compared to a gay person’s flatulence would be more offensive.

Yeah right. So they were not referring to that hushed up conviction for cottaging then. The linked page does not provide a date, I can tell you Blair was convicted in 1983 but my source, though 100% reliable is not available online.

Austerity and Globalism Driving Civil Unrest

ARSE! (In praise of a great invention by British scientists)

Regular readers may be quite surprised by that headline, after all you are accustomed to Boggart Blog lampooning the idiocies of science, from the gob smacking stupidity of those fond fools who think they can control the wind and make the sun shine for twenty fours hours a day to provide electricity, or those who thing they can use computers to create mathematical models of things like the climate, the global economy or the universe that actually bear some relation to reality.

We have ridiculed the daydreams of physicists who think we should be exploring space and preparing to colonise planets that would be a forty thousand year day trip away even in a spaceship that could go just one tenth of the speed of light (i.e 1860 times as fast as our fastest spacecraft.) we have mocked the freaks and creeps who think that by implanting mouse genes in humans they may cure cheese allergies or by inserting shrimp genes into potatoes they will dramatically reduce the production costs of prawn cocktail flavour crisps (what a benefit to humanity that would be).

And of course we have savaged the sheer cuntiness of Brian Cox, who like the idiot in “The Fast Show” thinks all this shit is Brilliant!

But we are never slow to give praise either, and there are many genuine scientists (as opposed to science whores) out there who deserve a pat on the head for doing someting that will truly make life better. Like the team who invented fart filtering underwear.

A British invention that spawned a British product, a cloth called Zorflex Shreddies weaves carbon into the warp and weft of cloth the rear panels of odour noshing guzzies are made from. Ianthe Betts-Clarke, a PR person for the makers of Shreddies (nothing to do with breakfast cereal we hope) says it can squash the smell of “200 times the average flatulence emission.”

This would be strong enough I’m sure to neutralise the chemical weapons let off by one of my of old teachers, Foul Bowels Bevan, a man whose farts could drop an angry bull at a distance of fifty yards. Is it any wonder that nobody in his physics class passed the exam?

The fart-filtering underwear is doing big business in the United States where the politically correct “liberals” are so scared of offending anyone they dare not drop their guts in a lift or even in a public park in New York where the world’s only Nazi mayor has made farting in public a crime alongside drinking fizzy drinks and eating donuts.

Since word about the fart shredding Shreddies went viral on the Internet a recently, the company has experienced a 400 percent increase in orders, Betts-Clarke said.

Shreddies went into production in 2008, expecting to serve a niche market of customers with sluggish intestine issues but have since branched out to serve a wider market among those to prissy to acknowledge their stinks.

“It’s a product for everybody, because everyone farts,” Betts-Clarke explained.

She’s right, and of course though farts are like children (you’re fond of your own but other peoples’ are repulsive) American society is becoming ever more litigious and the old joke:

“How dare you fart before my wife,”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was her turn,”

does not stand up. Fart before anybody and you are likely to be hit with a lawsuit for abusing their civil rights on many levels. And even if you win the case, legal bills will bankrupt you.

Is Farting A Crime Or A Basic Human Right?

We were gobsmacked to learn earlier in the week that the government of Malawi has made farting a criminal offence.

Boggart Blog has always considered freedom to fart as a basic human right and a civil liberty.

In the past farting was seen as an art form and a popular entertainment. A French Vaudeville artiste Josef Pujol (Le Petomane or The Fartist) was for several years one of the most successful performers on the French Music Hall circuit until one night, stressed by continual abuse his sphincter failed him and as the world fell out of his bottom, the bottom fell out of his world.

Eighteenth century writer Charles James Fox even waxed lyrical on the topic. His work The Benefit Of Farting, Essay Upon Wind began with this disclaimer:

“I think I hear the Curious Reader exclaim, ‘Heavens! That the brain of man should be set to work upon such cursed nonsense – such damned low stuff as farting; he ought to be ashamed of straining his dull faculties to such a nasty absurd subject.'”

And where are the Politically Correct Thought Police Stupid Health Warnings dept.) on this one. Are they not aware that being too twee to fart is a serious health risk. There was a case of a Roman Emperor who farted himself to death. So long did he suppress his flatulence that when the gas build up finally overcame his sphincter the rapid release of pressure on his heart brought on a cardiac arrest.

Also we would have expected uproar from the people who are always banging on about human right is Africa. Only a couple of weeks ago they were up in arms about two gay Ugandans being punished for holding hands in public but we have not heard a squeak out of them about this latest human rights outrage in an African tyranny. Apparently it is fine for Ugandans to blow each other but not for Mallawians to blow gas.

Anyone who has ever done standup will tell you the brain of man remains as fascinated with the subject today as it was in Fox’s or Pujol’s time. That cannot ever have been a comedian who did not quickly learn a fart joke is the most reliable way to rescue an act that is dying. Farts are funny. Even my grandson who is only four months old giggles at the sounds made by my favourite toy, Uncle Windy the Farting Gnome. Clearly the humour of farting is embedded deep in the human psyche. Fart lighting videos are one of the staples of You Tube and to judge by the number of hits which internet items on Malawi’s supposed ban on farting have attracted the mainstream are more concerned about the right to fart than the right to marry someone of the same gender.

I say “supposed” because the Malawian justice minister is now trying to claim he was speaking in jest when he said a provision to criminalise farting was included in a new law. He may have ben trying the distraction technique to cover up his own embarrassing bottom burp noises. What better that a burst of jeering and ribald laughter to drown out the ripping sound of a shirt flapper.

Distraction is one of the many techniques used to distract attention in such a situation. The most common is to blame the dog. Another is to look pointedly at another person, sometimes combining this with a batting motion of the hands. However, farting etiquette hardly ends there. If you are in audience with a royal person who breaks wind, for example, the subject apologises, not the prince.

The only situation in which one can safely fart in company of the haughtiest particularity is while involed in equine pursuits. Horses are always farting and in the general chorus of rasps, burbles and squitters it is hard to pinpoint the exact source of one sound or smell.

Great thinkers differ widely in their view of farting. The Greek mathemtaician and philosopher Pythagoras never ate beans because he was convinced eery time one farts a little of one’s soul escapes. Satirist Jonathan Swift, the author of Gullivers Travels believed suppressing farts, leads to congestion of the brain, adding: “If in open Air it fires, In harmless Smoke its Force expires.”

Malawi ministers, take note. They might wish to follow the line western governments have taken on smoking and ban farting in public buildings and offices while tolerating it in private. But they mess with people’s right to fart at their peril. On the other hand if this anti – farting movement spreads liberatarians and classical liberals will have yet another will have another stick with which to beat the progressive of The Politically Correct Thought Police.

Farting About With The Climate

One of the loonier proposals in he Obama administration’s plans to reduce America’s carbon emissions is the suggestion that dairy and beef farmers be required to pay S175 per head per years tax on the carbon rich gases emitted by their livestock. Sheep will also be taxed as their burps are full of methane and carbon dioxide.

The Cow Fart Tax scheme has gone down like a lead zepplin with farmers and the food industry but is being welcomed by comedians and satirists.

Now the more logical among you may think cow farts are carbon neutral as the gas emerges from the bottom end only hours after the carbon based nutrients have been swallowed. Not so say the climate change scientists. Unlike pigs and chickens, cows can output more carbon than they take in.

Hang on. Isn’t that similar to the theory that bankrupted the banks? Their mathematical models of the economy said they could lend out more money than they took in.

Not only is the policy scientifically flawed but it is grossly unfair to meat eaters. The American government, while pursuing policies that will raise the price of burgers and kebabs is actively promoting vegetarianism in humans. And man farts are full of methane as anyone who has tried fart lighting will know.

Desperately wanting a burger is no reason to dial 999
And while we are on the subject of rather fetid hot air what better time to look at one of Obama’s speeches Obama’s Watered Down Speech To Schools

Feel The Burn Poem on climte change from Ian Thorpe.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Fart Flavoured Snacks

We know everything is going to shite but are the British public ready for fart flavoured snacks?

This is not traditional farty smelling snacks such as Dry Roast Peanuts we are talking about, they actually taste quite peanutty once the fart sealed inside the bag as a preservative has been released. Neither are we talking about Bombay Mix which provides the whiff of shite that permeates all Indian Grocer Shops and lingers on clothes and in hair for days. No, these are actually fart flavoured crisps, fried potato slices with a chemical coating that tastes exactly how you imagine a smelly fart would.

Is this a wind up, you might well ask. No, Boggart Blog can confirm such snacks exist.

White absentee co-author Cleo hart has been faffing about the Blog editorial office conspicuously not writing any blogs (we have had to issue a strongly worded reminder that her contract is due to be reviewed very soon,) she has occasionally made herself useful by making cheese sandwiches.

A Cleo sandwich is an experience not to be missed, more a construction project that a snack the final edifice is usually presented on a manhole cover with a handful of potato crisps tastefully arranged around it. Normally the crisps would be ready salted or at worst, salt and vinegar but last week Cleo’s personal shopper must have picked up the wrong selection pack.

The sandwiches looked delicious and no one was put off by the foetid whiff that accompanied them. When you have a Boggart in the office you get used to that sort of thing. Anticipation turned to revulsion when the crew grabbed their first crisp though.
“Ugh, Eeeeeoooowwwweeeee, Bleah, Yuk,” we all said, “these crisps taste of farts.”

We cannot tell you what brand the crisps were or what flavour they are marketed as. The crisps disappeared as mysteriously as they had arrived. Maybe Jenny Greenteeth who lives in a swamp and so likes that type of flavour decided to keep them for herself. Maybe the company who brought them to the markey had second thoughts. Or perhaps they were part of a terrorist plot hatched by the people whose evil attempt to flood the country with dangerous cheese was exposed by this Blog.

and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Kangaroo Farts: A Weapon Against Climate Change

Forget about coal – fired power stations, car exhaust fumes and methane from melting permafrost in the tundra, the thing that is driving the planet towards destruction is your appetite for beef. The more beef we want to eat, the more cattle we need to breed. “So what?” You might well ask.

The problem with cattle is they spend a lot of time farting, their lives consist of eating grass and pumping methane into the atmosphere and methane is a seventy times more potent greenhouse gas than Carbon Dioxide.

So your steaks and burgers are one of the biggest causes of global warming.

Now you may think this all has a whiff of bullshit about it but, trust me, it is scientifically sound.

Obviously we have to act to check the ever increasing amounts of beef we eat but what should we do? If we all switch to a vegetarian diet we will be creating the methane that cattle are creating on our behalf now.

There is an answer however. We can switch to Kangaroo meat. Kangaroos can do well on very poor quality grazing and per kilo bodyweight the only fart one twentieth of the methane domestic cattle make.

A fart from a domestic cow or bull sounds something like this:
A Kangaroo fart by comparison is just the phft on the end.

A switch to Kangaroo meat has dietary advantages too. It is lower in saturated fats and higher in protein than beef. And Kangaroos do not need their diets supplemented with grain and root crops. It is environmentally friendly, healthy and sustainable. Who says so? The Australian Department Of Agriculture. Well who else would have so much expertise in kangaroo farming.

It is entirely coincidental that much of Australia’s cattle pastures are in areas rapidly becoming too dry for cattle farming.

Should you decide to try Kangaroo meat how should it be served?

With Mexican Jumping Beans of course.

MORE HUMOUR every day from Boggart Blog

Turtle Fart Crisis.

Hot on the heels of our stolen dead hamster story come another aminal related incident, the Strange Case of the Farting Turtles of Weymouth. There was a bit of a kerfuffle at Weymouth Sea Centre over the holiday when staff working near the turtle tank noticed bubbles in the water. Not the usual bubbles from the circulator but bubbles from turtle bottom burps.
Mystified by the outbreak of amphibian flatulence the keepers called in a vet who was also mystified. By then the turtles were starting to seem jet propelled.
Once things were back to normal an investigation established that some brussels sprouts left over from the staff Chistmas dinner had carelessly been fed to the turtles.
The tragedy is that the Flatulent Turtles did not remain so long enough to make a record of I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles. It would have been a chart sensation.

Farts of Mass Destruction

A story picked up from Yahoo News yesterday makes us wonder if the Turrrists and People of Evelyn Tent are getting more subtle and cunning or if the security forces are getting more stupid and paranoid.
An Aircraft bound for Dallas on a U,S. internal flight was forced to land in Nashville when passengers complained of the smell of burning sulphur. The authorities immediately went on teror alert
Later a woman admitted to FBI agents she had struck several matches to conceal the stink of her rancid farts.
Were this a serious blog we might well ask how, when it is impossible to get a bottle of springwater on a ‘plane Mrs Fartybottom managed to sneak matches past airport security.
Instead we will simply promise never ever to use the phrase “about as dangerous as a smelly fart” in an ironic way again.

Wind Power

So Blair has finally given up on trying to tell us that putting big windmills in our back gardens is the answer to all our energy problems. About time too. In the very cold snap last week did anyone notice as they were turning up their heating to full how still it was outside. Not a breath of wind over the whole country and vast fog banks hanging around all day. QED? Well maybe but I doubt we have heard the last about wind. One campaigner for “renewable energy” came out with a clever piece of mathematics to show that all the worries about what happens when the wind does not blow are exagerated. “You only need an average wind speed of 7 meters per second all the year round to be able to meet all our energy needs form this source trilled the radio environmentalist (with emphasis on the “mentalist.” Now I am not great at maths but you don’t have to be Pythagoras to work out that 7 meters per second is about 18 miles per hour around the force 4 or 5 mark on the Beaufort scale, quite windy in fact. That’s all we need 24/7 – he’s having a laugh.
The mathematics of Wind Power are deeply flawed too. I have always said “Mathematics is the only exact science – by using it well you can always prove the answer is exactly what you assumed in the first place.” So how far can we trust the mathematicians? Well Pythagoras is acknowledged as the world’s greatest maths genius and he never ate beans. You see old Py-face believed that every time we fart a little bit of our soul escapes. That means we should either give up beans on toast or else be willing to have a little wind generator up our arses.