Unlawful Killing

This is interesting … I’ve always liked Keith Allen’s “fuck ’em” attitude.

from The Tap

A documentary film, titled “Unlawful Killing,” by producer Keith Allen that has been suppressed since its initial release at the Cannes Film Festival in May 2011, is now getting wide circulation via the internet, and is going to stir up new controversy around the role of the British Crown and MI6 in the murder of Princess Diana.

While reviewing longstanding evidence about the Aug. 31, 1997 Paris crash, the documentary, which was supported by Mohammed Al Fayed, breaks new ground by focusing on the vicious coverup during the Royal Inquest into the crash. The film focuses heavily on the role of Prince Philip in ordering Diana’s murder, and prominently features the quote, made infamous by Executive Intelligence Review, of Prince Philip declaring that he hopes to be reincarnated as a deadly virus so he can contribute to population reduction.

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And the Oscar goes to

It’s that weekend again when the MKultra factory that is Hollywood gathers it population of the talentless, the retarded, the cosmetically reconstructed and the generally useless so they can all congratulate each other on being “simply wonderful dahling.”

This year the name of the little statuettes could have been changed to the POScars as POS is the hands down winner of the TLA of the year award.

So which Piles Of Shit deserved to wing and which didn’t?

12 Years A Slave was predictable winner of best film because it is about black people being treated badly by white people. (There is only one thing the Hollywood glitterati are more addicted to that botox, fame, cocaine, prescription drugs and publicity and that is guilt. Pity the tossers are so shameless about passing of utter shite as art.) 12 Years A Slave is supposedly a true story. Well it’s true that the central character was a real person, a free black man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery. Less likely is that the aforementioned central character spen his twelve years of slavery being flogged, tortured and humiliated (along with his very attractive girlfriend) in order to provide the script for a soft porn, SMBD blackxploitation movie.The plantation owners were businessmen, they didn’t invest money in slaves for their mates to have fun, they wanted workers. It was often written by contemporary chroniclers that slaves were in some ways better off than the free poor. If you were free nobody cared if you starved, if someone had invested money in you, they were going to feed you.

The second most prestigious award,the POScar for best director when to a POS titled Gravity. This was the picture that most blatantly targeted the kind of geeks who watch Star trek thinking it is a fly on the wall documentary. Gravity is idiotic in every way, ’nuff said.

Disney Studios won the POScar for best animated film for a POS that is exactly like every other Disney animation, sentimental, mawkish, cutesy pie drivel.

Best Actor POScar went to Matthew McConaughey for playing the role of a man who helped HIV positive people buy illegal drugs legally. If these people were HIV positive you’d think there’s a good chance they would have had enough of illegal drugs. McConaughey’s acceptance speech however suggested he had personally tested the drugs his character was supplying.

There was one other award worth noting. The Oscar for best psychotic killer of the year went to some guy name Pistorius.

A hundred years ago some twat said ‘the lights are going out’

A hundred years ago some posh twat, I think it was Earl Grey* (the bloke who invented weak tea, gimme Ringtons teabags any time) said something about “One by one the lights are going out all over Europe.”

With the situation in Ukraine worsening by the minute, people are saying the same now. OK, let’s switch a few back on.

The web is full of “funniest scenes in film” which are usually dominated by clips from Monty Python and the holy Grail, The Life Of Brian, the farting scene from Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles and that famous line delivered in The Italian Job by Michael Caine, something from Four Weddings or maybe the fake orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally. There are plenty of other contenders but those spring to mind readily.

There is one that should feature strongly but is usually overlooked however. As it happens (or maybe to stop us all plunging into abyssal dspair) Channel 5 screened Beetlejuice today and as I watched it made me wonder how can we forget the scence where the ghosts in the haunted house hijack the pretentious yuppies dinner party and make the guests sing and dance The Banana Boat Song.

Forgotten it, or maybe you have never watched Beetlejuice. Enjoy it again – or maybe for the first time

The Banana Boat song from Beetlejuice:

*It was actually Sir Edward Grey, the British Foreign secretary but the deliberate error worked better for this item.

Why Is Britain More Elitist Than Ever?

The (still) lovely Helen Mirren, awarded a BAFTA fellowship last night for being all – round wonderful, said in her acceptance speech that acting has become the preserve of kids with rich parents.

Dame Helen said “only kids with wealthy parents can get into the acting profession”, and she is absolutely right of course. Thirteen years of complete misrule by Labour, the party of billionires, lawyers and academics hate the working class so much they deliberately made British society more stratified and hierarchic that it was under the old nobility. All the decent jobs are in closed shop professions.

And the condemed coalition have done nothing to redress the balance.

I’ve nothing against posh kids going into acting of course. Be nice if a few of them could act better than planks however. Here are a few who can’t manage a glottal stop between them.

And now a few from the era when most people were so poor they had the arse out of their trousers, some truly grats whose childhoods were so poor they couldn’t affor to have the arse out of their trousers, so they had to act as if they did.

Michael Caine
Tom Courtnay
Rita Tushingham
Gary Oldman
Christopher Eccleston
Shiela Hancock
Ray Winstone
Bob Hoskins
Gerard Butler
Julie Walters
Sean Connery
Jane Horrocks
Peter O’Toole
Richard Burton
Naomie Harris
And of course Helen Mirren herself – though her Dad was from a wealthy Russian family he worked as a cab driver in Britain.

Not bad from memory.

History Is Older Than They Are Telling Us

One Million Years BC was a really mooey Hollywood schlockfest that starred Raquel Welch (in designer window leathers) as the cavewoman who invented lipstick and eye shadow.

Although the film developed as “so bad it’s good” type cult following I never got into it myself. It was not the scenes of cavemen fighting dinosaurs that put me off, I have no scientific sensibilities about such nonsense. What I found unpalatable was that the cave men armed only with pointed sticks won.

Anyway I digress. Those who follow mainsteam anthropology “Weez aalz from Afrikaa” will claim the film is ridiculous because it depicts modern humans speaking English a million years ago. And everone knows the science is settled and human ancestors only got the ferry from Morocco to Gibraltar about a million years ago and did not reach England until about 400,000 years ago.

Well as usual the science, if not wrong, is questionable. A team of archaeologists searching for sings of civilisation in Norfolk have discovered what they are confident is the site of a one million year old human settlement buried beneath many layers of pizza boxes, discarded Indian takaways, roaches, McDonalds packages and supermarket own brand larger cans under the site now occupied by Manor Caravan Park in Happisburgh.

I wonder if the cavewomen who lived in the settlement looked anything like this:

raquelwelch lookalike cavewoman
Picture: Movie still, Raquel welch in One Million Years BC, movie still, Blogspot

How Times Change

A quickie as I have just found out I have an errand to run.

We were watching Dambusters lasr night and it came to the scene where the Wing Commander is told that his labby has been run over outside the gates and is dead.
Therre is a brief moment of silence then the Batman is instructed to bury the lab and W/C gets on with his job of destroying the dams where the water is used to help the German war effort.

Imagine what it would be like now!

The batman would arrive to tell the W/C that Brownie had been run over, W/C would be unable to stifle tears, flowers would be laid at the site of the incident, Brownie’s lead would be framed whilst Brownie itself would be either freeze dried and stuffed or turned into a gem. W/C would be overcome with grief, the dams wouldn’t get bombed, Germany would win the war and we’d all be under the control of Angela Merkel… oh hang on a minute….

I’m sure he used to be somebody funny.

Eddie Murphy has been named the most overpaid actor in Hollywood by business magazine Forbes. When we saw the headline everyone in the Boggart Blog office felt sure Eddie Murphy used to be someone who was funny before he disappeared up his own arse.

A number of significant flops, including ‘Imagine That’, ‘A Thousand Words’ and ‘Meet Dave’, have ushered him to the top of the list of stars who make back far less for their studios than they should considering their substantial pay cheques.

Is Eddie Murphy’s A Thousand Words the worst-reviewed film ever?

Over his last three films, Murphy made $2.30 (£1.40) at the box office for every $1 (62p) he was paid.

The ‘Shrek’ and ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ star beat last year’s winner of the dubious title, Drew Barrymore. Barrymore has now dropped out of the top 10 completely.

Will Ferrell, who has topped the list twice in the last four years, is also out of the top 10 this year.

Here is the list in full:

1. Eddie Murphy – made $2.30 at the box office for every $1 paid
2. Katherine Heigl – $3.40
3. Reese Witherspoon – $3.90
4. Sandra Bullock – $5
5. Jack Black – $5.20
6. Nicolas Cage – $6
7. Adam Sandler – $6.30
8. Denzel Washington – $6.30
9. Ben Stiller – $6.50
10. Sarah Jessica Parker – $7

As we reflected on who in this list might have become has beens before they had ever been, someone pointed out that a loist of overpaid footballers would be even longer.

Happy Heart

Sad to hear dear old Andy Williams shuffled off this mortal coil today and joined so many of his contemporaries in that great recording studio in the sky.

His music was never my choice, I preferred the edgy, agony filled ballads of Roy Orbison to the sugary songs of Mr. Williams but I always liked the cookie scrounging bear on his television show in the 1960s. In fact it was worth putting up with the Osmonds to see what the bear would be doing.

In our house Andy became a favourite again with the release of the film Shallow Grave, a family treasure that we have watched over and over again, and enhanced with our own script of comments and asides.

Andy’s song Happy Heart featured in the film, it was played while Ewan McGregor, Chris ecclestone and the bird with nice tits were trying to dispose of Keith allen’s body. And so, from Wire In The Blood to Midsomer Murders, whenever a shallow grave features in the action (about every three minutes in Midsomer Murders) someone will start singing:

Iiiiiits my Happy Heart you hear
singing loud and singing clear
and it’s all because you’re near
me my love

RIP Andy.

Pudding Song

I looked up from my laptop this morging to see my wife, a great fan of musical theatre and films, watching some old black and white movie. A bloke I though I recognised was doing a worse cockney accent than Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

“What the chuffin’ chuff is this,” I spluttered (one does not swear in front of the wife until she has had a glass on wine or two and starts swearing herself)

“It’s Fred Astaire in Top Hat,” she told me.

I’d heard of that, it’s the film where he sings The Pudding Song:

Pudding on my top hat,
pudding on my white tie,
pudding on my tails.

Gary Trotter – Boggart Blog’s alternative boy wizaed

As most of you will know the final Harry Potter film in the series opened this week. If you can’t get tickets to see the show here is the Boggart Blog alternative Boy Wizard, Gary Trotter. In his quest for The Portal Of Pleasure our hero charts a hazardous course from childhood to adultery.

(each file opens in a new window)
Chapter 1 – Gary Trotter and his Magic Wand
Chapter 2 – Gary Trotter and the Chamber of Privacy

Chapter 3 – Gary Trotter and The Forest of Secrets

Chapter 4 – Gary Trotter and the Delta of Venus

Chapter 5 – Gary Trotter and the Spirit of the Shower

Chaper 6 – Gary Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure

Chapter 7 – Gary Trotter – The Phoenix Rises, Again and Again