Death by Burger – Torture Or Game Show

Todays surprise news story was an item about Japanese cops being forced to eat fifteen burgers at at time to fatten toughen them up. What kind of crazy idea is it that eating burgers will toughen people up. It’s the kind of thing the Japanese do for fun or to win prizes.

Anyone remember Endurance, the Japanese game show regularly featured on Clive James On Television. Clive’s sardonic comments and references to the “screaming front man” were the perfect counterpoint to scences of people willingly allowing themselves to be subjected to: starvation and then forced to watch as tasty dinners were served to dogs; being sprayed with ice cold water from high pressure hoses, eating raw sheeps brains overseasoned with tabasco while standing on their heads; sit in a bath of cockroaches; hit in the bollocks with a cannonball and more bizarre tests, some as painful as being forced to listen to Bruce Forsyth telling jokes.

Compared to those things, eating fifteen burgers is a piece of cake (unless you are allergic to cake of course)

Remind yourself of the fun and excitement of Endurance by watching this video, or checkout the search listing below. These people make the idiots behind Jackass look like a bunch of pussies.

ENDURANCE: CATFISH, CACTI AND HOT SAND – Clive Janes show (sorry, can’t embed the video, it is copyright protected – you’ll have to follow the link.

MORE Endurance lunacy (search results for Endurance “Clive James” video)

Great post from The Daily Mash today:
Peanut allergic People Have To Find Something Else To Go On About

Gary Trotter – Boggart Blog’s alternative boy wizaed

As most of you will know the final Harry Potter film in the series opened this week. If you can’t get tickets to see the show here is the Boggart Blog alternative Boy Wizard, Gary Trotter. In his quest for The Portal Of Pleasure our hero charts a hazardous course from childhood to adultery.

(each file opens in a new window)
Chapter 1 – Gary Trotter and his Magic Wand
Chapter 2 – Gary Trotter and the Chamber of Privacy

Chapter 3 – Gary Trotter and The Forest of Secrets

Chapter 4 – Gary Trotter and the Delta of Venus

Chapter 5 – Gary Trotter and the Spirit of the Shower

Chaper 6 – Gary Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure

Chapter 7 – Gary Trotter – The Phoenix Rises, Again and Again

Politicaly Correct Thought Police Try To Ban Dwile Flonking

Just when you thought it was safe to be an eccentric individual again, just when you thought the defeat of Labour at the election and the “anyone but you bastards” message the people gave to the Peoples’ Party, just when you thought the Thought Police had disbanded to lick their wounds, were hear news to chill you to the marrow.

The Politically Correct Thought Police have attacked Suffolk, moving to ban the Wold Dwile Flonking Championships by resurrecting an Ancient Norfolk law that bans speed drinking.

In the sport of Dwile Flonking the flonker stands on a mark holding a beer soaked dwile (cloth) on a broom handle as other contestants dance around him (or her) singing the flonking song. When the verse ends if the dwile fails to hit a dancer in the face the flonker must down a pot of ale in one.

The eventual winner is the last man standing.

“When we heard of this outrage we had to step in,” said Mr. A. Kiljoy, a spokesmant for Norfolk County Council Politically Correct Thought Police, “this kind of thing only encourages binge drinking and could put people at serious risk of having a laugh.

Norfolk’s ancient drinking laws, passed last April banned drinking games, including time limit, all-you-can-drink offers, free alcohol prizes and binge drinking promotions.

Breaches of the new code could lead to pubs losing their licences, fines of up to £20,000 for landlords and even six months in prison.

Nice to know they have their priorities right in Norfolk, no piddling about chasing serial killers or people who embezzle taxpayers money. They’re going after the really big crims.

The real story on the Dwile Flonking Wars

Speed Dating For Lawyers
Boggart Blog Drink Menu (a roundup of all our alcohol related posts here and elsewhere)

Alcohol Shock!

Well done to alcohol abuse charity Drinkaware for bringing this to the atttention of Boggart Blog readers. Apparently Drinkaware commissioned a survey of 1,000 people about drink problems and their booze consumption habits.

The results show 520,000 people go to work each day with a hangover.

Every day? Fuck me! That’s over half a million people who are having more fun than us. Or is it just another reminder that Big Brother is watching all the time?

For full story go to Booze Matters at Nanny Knows Best

Turning The (Cork)ScrewDick Puddlecoat on the growing Politically Correct Thought Police campaign to demonise alcohol

Imposing Orthodoxy By Stealth

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

RELATED POSTS:
Before The Pubs Close
Drunk Friendly Streets

A Free Country For Suicide Bombers

I was simultaneously amused and alarmed to read today that an Alkie Ada (must stop calling them that now Gordon Brown is gone) terrorist, one of the “known suicide bombers” secuirity forces have somewhat confusingly spoken of in the past will not be deported to his homeland because the Foreign Office cannot guarntee his human rights will be respected.

For fucks sake what’s going on. What about our human right to go about our business without being blown to buggery by some mad foreign fucker.

Ah but for us to enjoy the freedom not to be blown up in terror attacks we would have to live in a free country. And we don’t as Old Holborn reminds us with Just For Fun inspired by a story from A P Herbert’s Misleading Cases.

RELATED POSTS:
Paranoid
Toner of Terror
America Concerned About Our Home Grown Terrorists
Terror Alert Level Raised – What Are They Trying To Cover Up Now?
Wikileaks: New Wave Suicide Bombers

Happy Health And Safety Halloween

Once upon ye tyme in daze of yore (bit of nostalgic atmosphere creation there) Halloween was just an American substitute for bonfire night. America could not have Guy Fawkes night you see on account of not having a King for conspirators to plot to blow up. Halloween was as American as Pecan Pie and Hot Dogs, a party night when children could dress up and eat sweets until their eyes bulged. (Guy Fawkes Night tradition )

As in most things Britain has been railroaded by capitalism’s pursuit of ever increasing profits and world domination. Bonfire night was too cheap, there was not enough money to be made from people lighting fires to burn old rubbish and standing around eating baked potatoes, roast chestnuts and home made treacle toffee. Chestnuts could be had for free if you knew where to look, ingredients for treacle toffee were a few basics and a tin of molasses and Potatoes were cheap as chips. That was back in the days when elephants were sevenpence for twenty of course. The only money spinner was the annual sale of fireworks and that was small beer compared with sales of costumes, masks, make up and sweets across the Atlantic. Perhaps we could start a new bonfire night and burn an effigy of globalisation?

Trick or treat was not in the same league for fun opportunities as Guy Fawkes night, preparations for which started in the long summer holiday. First job was forming a conspiracy as the neighbourhood children split into groups and planned their strategy to build the biggest bonfire of “bonnie.”

Soon on selected sites piles of rubbish started to grow, scrap wood, old furniture, cardboard packaging, anything that would burn. As the day neared and competition became more intense the conspiratorial element of bonfire building emerged. Raiding rival piles was common so guards had to be mounted while raids on rival fires were planned and organised. It was not uncommon the see and entire ten or fifteen foot high pile of rubbish moving along a street propelled by a multitude of little legs that protruded from the bottom.

In the final week before the night of conflagration, in addition to guarding the fire and final frenetic efforts to enlarge it there was a Penny-For-The-Guy effort to be considered.

In order to be successful at raising money for fireworks by begging “penny for the guy please” from people passing your pitch the first requisite was a Guy – the effigy of Guy Fawkes to be burned on the fire. Most Guys were fairly simple, an old shirt or sweater and a pair of trousers stuffed with newspaper, straw or old clothes created a vaguely human form. This was topped by a pumpkin, mangol wurzel or burst football adorned with a Guy Fawkes mask as a head.

One year my friends and I were particularly creative. We took the smallest boy in our gang, a skinny little lad called Alan Jones put him in an adult’s sweater and trousers stuffed with paper to get the shapelessness right, made up his face with talc, greened by adding the kind of paint used in kindergarten, drew bright red blobs on the cheeks with lipstick and added a moustache and goatee beard with eyeliner begged from somebody’s elder sister, stuck him in an old pram and set up our pitch on a busy shopping street.

It was going well, people were highly amused by our lifelike guy who winked at them and said Thank You for contributions of sixpences and shillings. Unfortunately the scheme came unstuck when one mean and humourless, literally minded old man actually gave us a penny.

“Tight fisted old bugger,” said our guy. Not long after a police officer moved us along after we had been given a lecturing on respecting our elders. how unfair was that? I am sure to this day the old man was not told off for not respecting his juniors.

In recent years the whole bonfire thing has been killed by health and Safety fascists.

Naked flames, can’t allow that say the Politically Correct police, people can be burned by flames. Big piles of burnable junk, absolutely not , they could collapse injuring people. The mere mention of fireworks is enough to give these hand wringing do-gooders an apoplectic fit. Put all these things together with simple pleasures like potatoes baked in their skins (WHAAAAAAT? Potato skins have been exposed to soil bacteria and may contain potentially dangerous pesticide residues.

The Politically Correct police and the forces of Corporate Darkness joined in one of those silent cabals. No agreements were ever made, no plots were ever plotted but they found their interests lay in the direction of downgrading bonfire night a) so that is could be properly supervised by bureaucrats and all the fun squeezed out of it because fun is bad for people and b) so that something more commercialised and profitable could take its place.

Well now that bonfires have to be licensed and firework sales are restricted naturally Halloween must come under scrutiny. It is not as much fun as Bonfire Night but it is fun and so must be properly monitored and controlled. The rot has already set in.

Going round ASDA which being Wal Mart owned has a very extensive range of American Halloween goodies, I noticed on goods in the section for stick on wounds and scars a warning on the packaging. THIS PRODUCT IS MADE OF LATEX AND MAY CAUSE ALLERGIC REACTION.

I imagine that if any parent picks p one of these novelties a health and Safety Inspector will leap out from behind the display and shout “SSSSTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP! Do you know that product is made from latex which some people are allergic to. Put that on your child’s skin and you may trigger an allergic reaction which could cause a mass of suppurating sores. Should these then become infected with an MRSA type flesh eating bacteria your child could DIE because you are a bad parent who did not heed health and safety warnings.”

So when you are shopping for the kid’s treats remember the Politically Correct Mantra: Safety first – fun nowhere.

This years superspooky halloween poem
Halloween fortnight by fatsally

Life saving is a risky business

Fear And Panic And HP Sauce

Boggart Blog International Talk Like A Pirate DaySpecial

Just in case any of you think Talk Like A Pirate Day is a hoax, here’s a link to their web page:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html”>Talk Like A Pirate Day There’s another at the end of the post.
 

There seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the street outside the Boggart Blog editorial office. Better see what’s up I suppose.

That’s strange, it looks as if a group of very angry people are chasing a man wearing fancy dress, a pirate outfit. In fact it looks like…it can’t be…it isn’t…it is, it’s our old Pirate chum Black Jack Bastard. We haven’t seen him for a while.

“Hey Jack, up here quickly, you’ll be safe in our offices.”

The question is will we, he did once try to hijack the blog and terrorise the blogosphere with it. Pirates can be very unpredictable, still it’s nice to see him. I wonder what he’s been doing these past twelve months…

“Ha – har ye miserable son of a scablouse, good to clap eyes on ‘ee.”

“Hello Jack, long time no see. What have you been up to, still the terror of the Spanish Main?”

“Pirating? No matey, I give it up, changed course in mid voyage, Pirating be a young maaan’s game these days.”

“You gave up being a Pirate?”

”Arrrr ye lubber, I did that, took up a completely different profession, honest an’ ’spec’able like.”

“So what are you now then and why were those people chasing you down the street if you are honest and respectable.”

“Them maaangy whoresons, they’m small minded lubbers who lack the ‘magination to unnerstand my ’spec’able professon.”

“So they were after your blood because your trade is legal, decent, honest and truthful, Jack?”

“Now heave to matey, you’m goin’ too far now. I said ’spec’able, not honest.”

“Well what is it you are doing then?”

“I decided you can’t teach an old sea dog new tricks so I found a trade to which me old tricks were well suited. I become one o’ they Hinves’ment Bankers shipmate.”

“Oh well once a pirate, always a pirate I suppose.”

“Ha – haaaar well said for a miserable speck o’ shore scum.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

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