Your 1984 Telescreen is now available

OK, it’s a tad late, but as it is a Microsoft promotion who cares? Soon every home will have one of these sitting on top of the TV. And you will be happy to have microsoft spying on you and your family even when the kids are at a sleepover and you and the other half are getting a bit of rumpy – pumpy on the sofa.

Because having all those spotty little nerds watching your action as they chomp pizza with six extra toppings and swill it down with diet coke is all about keeping you and your safe, right? And Pigs will fly.

Zey haff vays of making you konform.

1984 telescreen

Here’s a snippet from “Government Slaves” website:

‘According to recent Nielsen statistics 56% of the households in the US own a video game console. Unbeknownst to many Americans this can be an open invitation to let big brother into your house.

Disguised as a video game add-on, Microsoft’s Kinect is the all seeing eye that sits on top of your TV watching your every move, listening to every conversation and even monitoring vital health information.

Now imagine if the Government went door to door and wanted to put a black box on top of your TV (and I’m not talking about your cable box) that did the same things, hopefully you would tell them hell no and immediately get out of your house.

But since the Kinect is disguised as entertainment most people will gladly accept it.’

Read full post at:

App – alling

Isn’t it time we curtailed the criminal careers of the crooks and scumbags who have hijacked communications technology and turned what should be a great way of communicating and finding information into a criminal scam for corporate fascist who want to rob innocent and vulnerable people.

What drew Boggart Blog’s attention to the criminality of the internet technology industry is the case of Sam Vesty, a father-of-three who plays Rugby for Bath and has two caps for England.

Now I would not say Sam is innocent and vulnerable even if I thought he was because he’s probably a lot bigger than me. However it wasn’t Sam who was taken advantage of by technology scammers but his young sons.

The boys, aged six and eight, were playing the game on his iPhone after memorising his password. They managed to spend more than £1,000 an hour creating their own mini monsters in a popular game.

During this time they bought virtual food for the monsters 54 times, paying up to £69.99 a time for a “mountain of food” for each monster. Now you might think that the kind of cupid stunt who would pay £70 a pop of very real money for virtual food to feed virtual monsters in a virtual world deserves to get robbed. We agree.

Those irritating, technology addicts tossers and tosseresses who walk around waving their iPhones in our faces to show they are so kewl they are happy to pay twice the price for a gadget that does half the job simply because it has an Apple logo deserve to be robbed. But Sam’s boys were six and eight, they’re not stupid, they’re just children.

The app thyat robbed Sam’s iPhone is free to download but various extras, known as “in-app billing”, require cash payments to move up levels and develop monsters.In other words you click an icon and you account is automatically billed. Now I can think of at least three consumer protection laws that breaks.

Mr. Vestey only became aware of the bill when he received an email from Apple’s iTunes store charging him for “one mountain of food” at £69.99 last month.

He then checked his account and saw the damage.

He wrote on Twitter: “My kids did £3,200 playing a game called tiny monsters – it was £69 for some food for virtual monsters. Absolutely disgusting.”

He admitted he had left his sons alone with the phone and although the app needs a password for purchases to be made he said he boys had learnt it off by heart. Yeah, kids are good at that kind of thing and very bad at understanding money (even when they are 38 and 34 if it’s Dad’s money) which is why kids and computer automated billing systems don’t mix.

Bosses of the company that markets the game tweeted back to Vesty, asking him to get in touch. When he did the cash was eventually refunded after Tiny Monsters Ltd. accepted the purchases were not authorised by the user.

Pity really, I would love to be able to report that Sam and some of his Rugby playing mates had gone round to the firm’s office to “have a word.”

New Toilet Computer Game Will Really Piss People Off

Digital games colsole and game maker Sega is hoping to make a spash by nstalling video games in men’s toilets. It could only happen in Japan of course: the firm is planning to install game consoles called “Toylets” at urinals for men in bars around the country.

Each stall in the wired bog will be fitted fitted with a pressure sensor, a company spokesman said, and a screen is mounted on the wall above the unit.

Players can choose from five games, which are interspersed with advertisements for products and services.

Sega hopes that users of the lavatories will pay more attention to the adverts if they can also play games while using the facilities. We forsee a lot more people will be pissing on their shoe of getting punched for pissing down the leg of the guy at the next stall.

But isn’t it a sad comment on the world we live in when greedy corporate fascists are trying to make a cash cow of those innocent boyhood games like who could get it highest and who could write their name on the cement render, (being called Ian gave me a big advantage. Poor Arbruthnot didn’t have a chance.) Other games included trying to stand with our backs to the far wall and land our stream in the gutter, or not using any hands.

I can’t quite see how Sega’s zap the crittur type games will be compatible with having a wee but they’re a strange lot, the Japanese, I suppose the country will be gripped by a urolagnia craze. On an LCD screen where that little picture of a bee used to be placed, an image of a girl with unfeasibly large breasts will dodge around the labyrinthine vaults of a lost city as you try to blast her.

Pervy.

Video: Sega launches urinal video game

RELATED POSTS:
In The Computer Game Market Sex Does Not Sell
Knock Me Down With A Gameboy
I Am A Human Being Not A Computer

Teeth and Tattoos

Daytime TV presenter Jeremy Kyle who hosts the “Laugh at the Dysfunctional Pikey” morning slot has earned himself a primetime gig fronting a game show.

In an effort to distance himself from the “freakshow” front man image Jeremy has laid down stringent condistions for people wanting to be contestants on his new vehicle.

They must have more teeth than a bicycle has wheels and less facial tattoos than a spider has legs.

The Relative Nature Of Poverty and the PS2 Football Game

I see the politicians are banging on about child poverty again. Cry Baby Clegg and that Tory Baldie-boke whose name I cannot remember but it sounds like an intestinal disease have been talking about social mobility and child poverty.

Boggart Blog does not approve of child poverty of course, so we believe children should be put to work to earn their own living if their families can’t provide for them. Our solution is shown in this article, A Crisis A Child Could Solve.

Unfortunately the rope sandal wearing, tree hugging lefties are even more opposed to the idea of working class people having to work for a living than they are to children being poor. So we think our simple idea to end child poverty will be stymied.

Where does that leave Clegg and that Irritable Duodenum Syndrome bloke? Well poverty is relative so we suggest all they need is a bit of perspective.

Obiously the child of a single mother living on a sink estate cannot have the same expectations as the child of a billionaire. So we suggest banning all advertising as it only raises unrealistic hopes.

With no adverts to warp their perception we predict the negotiations for a child’s birthday present may go like this.

Sink Estate Mum: What do you want for your birthday yer whining li’le shit?

Child: A Subbuteo set Mum.

SE Mother: No.They’re very expensive, I cantn’t afford one, we’re povs. If I went without cheap cider and fags for a year I still wouldn’t have enough money. But I’ll get you a blow football game from the car boot sale. It’s much more fun.

*********
Call Center Worker Mum: What do you want for your Birthday Son?

Child: Can I have a PS2 and a Pro Evo Football game?

CCW Mum: Sorry, those things are very expensive, innit. But I can get you a Subbuteo set. They are much more fun, you can get your mates round and have league and cup tournaments and go in internet forums and get groomed by paedos like what miggle class kids do…
***********

Mondeo Man Dad: What do you want for your Britday son?

Child: Can I have a Subbuteo Dad?

MM Dad: No you effing can’t.

Child: Aw Dad, you said…

MM Dad: Never mind what I said. Only nerds and paedos have them. If I get you one people will think we’re povs. You can have a PS2 and a Pro Evo Premier League football game and effing well like it.

***********

Arab Oil Sheik: What do you want for your birthday son.

Child: Can I have a new PS2 and a Pro Evo football game and a season ticket for a Premiership team and a 60″ Plasma TV with Sky Soprts so I can watch all the televised game.

Arab Oil Shiek: No sorry son, the Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him, says we must suffer in this life if we want to be accepted in theaven by Allah. You can have Manchester City.

**********

With the Boggart Blog system for abolishing child poverty nobody is happy but every child is equally unhappy. Boggart Blog, working towards a fairer world.

Q.E. with Stephen Fry: The television panel game for recession and financial crisis.

A television studio set of a pnel game. four panellists are arranged in pairs on either side of the host, Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry:
A very good evening and welcome one and all to Q.E. the panel game about Quantitative Easing and other aspects of the financial crisis that have led to recession and possibly the end of civilisation as we know it. This is a show similar to QI in many ways in that I ask incredibly difficult questions about the collapse of the global economy so the panel can give excruciatingly incorrect answers. I then correct them in a smug and patronising yet simultaneously witty and charming way only a national treasure like myself could possibly carry off.
It matters not though that our panel are seldom able to give the correct answer as nobody truly knows what the correct answer is so we give them points for being Quite Entertaining which is a form or Quantitative Easing for the stressed out spirit.

Well now that everybody is totally confused about what is going on I shall introduce the panel. On my left we have The Politicians, a dour, curmudegeonly Scot to whom we shall refer as The DCS and a Tory Posh Boy (though obviously he is not as posh as me) who shall go by the monicker of TPB.

Over on my right meanwhile, straining at the leash as they wait to dive into the fray we have The Entertainers, a Working Class Dolt or WCD for short…

WCD:
That’s a bit like WMD innit? WCD, that could be weapon of complete destruction. I like that.

SF:
That is Quite Entertaining so you can have a point. It is I however who shall be the Weapon Of Complete destruction as I make you all look ridiculous. And speaking of looking ridiculous, completing the line up tonight our final panellist is the woman with the biggest tits in Britain; Katie Price. And now the formalities are done with let us move to the first question. Who or what is to blame for the credit crunch?

WCD:
Yeah, I know this. It was Oscar Wilde. (bells ring, sirens wail and a chorus of Flash Bang Wallop What A Picture plays.)

SF:
No, no, no, oh dear me no. In this game you should not give the obvious answer because nothing is ever what it seems to be. No it was not Oscar Wilde, a character portrayed with no little excellence by myself in a film some years ago I might add.

WCD:
Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw, Shakespeare, Winston Churchill?

SF:
Unfortunately it was not Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw or indeed any of the usual suspects. When an inquisitor asks for the originator of a particular epigram it is always a good idea to answer Wilde of Shaw. The point you missed though is the credit crunch is not an epigram but a sobriquet for the collapse of confidence in the global banking system.

DCS:
Aye och aye, it was the last Tory government.

TPB:
What ho chaps and chapesses; It was the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot on my right, Absoluteleah yah?

SF:
You all lose points for not being entertaining.

Katie Price:
I got the biggest tits in Britain.

SF:
That’s very nice for you Katie but I hardly think it is the cause of the credit crunch.

WCD:
It might be, right. If the Sun and Nuts and all that lot paid Katie per inch for the amount of busty tissue she was getting out cos they knew the more she got out the more copies they’d sell if could have led to all the blokes in the world maxing out their credit cars to see more of Katie’s boobs.

SF:
Total nonsense but very entertaining. Have some points.

TPB:
It was the ban on foxhunting.

SF:
Why, how did the ban on inbred idiots like you molesting small furry animals cause the credit crunch you inbred idiot?

TPB:
No idea but it did. I said so and I’m posher than you.

DCS:
I know, och aye. It was that fat tongued idiot Jamie Oliver and his healthy school dinners. Mt predecessor Tony (hack – phut) Blair let the fool loose with school dinners budgets and instead of feeding little cavs on turkey twizzlers and monster munch that they enjoy he was giving them cous cous that costs a fortune and they hate.

SF:
A cous cous conspiracy. That’s quite entertaining but completely wrong.

TPB:
I say you chaps, it was caused by the Bee Colonies dying. (Bells ring, Sirens wail and a chorus of The Bee Gee’s Stayin’ Alive plays)

SF:
Oh dear, we knew somebody would say the decline of the Bee population was to blame but it is not right. The decline of the bee population is a problem as bees are responsible for pollinating many important food crops but I’m afraid they are not involved in pollinating the global economy.

WCD:
Did you know Bees invented radar.

TPB:
Two bees featured on the logo of Bradford and Bingley Mortgage Banks and the credit crunch started when they went bankrupt.

WCD:
My uncle had his savings in Bradford and Bingley. When they went bankrupt he lost the lot. It stressed him out so much he had an attack of hives.

SF:
That’s very entertaining, you can have five points.

Katie Price:
Ashley, the credit crunch was caused when the so called sub prime mortgage market in Britain and the USA was revealed as a glorified Ponzi scheme. Bad loans made to clients lacking the means to repay were collateralised by over-valuing poor quality properties. Eventually the overvaluation of assets to provide collateral for loans reached such ridiculous levels the banks lost confidence in the collateralised debt obligation they were trading, realising that such derivatives were not underwritten by real, negotiable assets.

SF:
That’s amazing Katie, you’re absolutely right, but who is Ashley? Moving on to the next question, what is the biggest thing in the solar system?

WCD:
A Blue Whale. (Bells ring, trumpets blare and the theme from Jaws plays.

SF:
Oh no, you always fall for it, it isn’t a Blue Whale.

WCD:
It’s a very big Blue Whale that is swimming through space with The Universe balanced on its back.

SF:
Not, that’s a turtle you are thinking of. Lose all your points.

WCD:
You know in The Bible right? It says a whale swallowed that bloke Jonah. Well a Blue Whale can’t swallow anything bigger than a grapefruit so Jonah must have been a dwarf.

SF:
Very good, that is quite entertaining, you can have back half the points you just lost. Anyone got an answer? What is the biggest thing in the solar system.

Katie Price:
Ashley it’s me tits.

SF:
I’m sorry Katie, I don’t want to destroy your self esteem but there are much bigger things in The Solar System than your tits although a Blue Whale could not swallow either of them let alone both.

DCS:
This is easy, it’s the Labour majority in Parliament. (Bells ring, foghorns hoot and a chorus of The Red Flag plays)

SF: No.

TPB:
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. The Sun. (bells ring, a lone wolf howls and a chorus of The Sun Has Got His Hat On is played.)

SF: Absolutely wrong and very obvious. You will have to be more entertaining than that.

Katie Price:
Ashley it’s the total indebtedness of the American nation, not the annual trade deficit, not even the national debt but the total indebtedness of every household, business, non commercial organisation and government department. It currently stands at $63.7 trillion and if you stacked up 63.7 trillion dollar bills they would reach further into the sky than me tits do when I lie on be back.

SF:
Absolutely right Katie but don’t call me Ashley, it isn’t my name.

Katie Price:
I know you’re called Stephen Ashley.

SF:
No, I’m called Stephen Fry actu… oh I see. Apologies. Anyone able to tell me what a trillion dollars is?

WCD:
The amount what Katie has insured her tits for?

Katie:
Gerrahtofit. Those is priceless.

SF:
They would be if you had them amputated but on to the final question. If the government’s Quantitative Easing policy fails what could possibly solve the global crisis?

DCS:
Och aye, copy everything Barack Obama does

TPB:
OK yah, we can bet The Crown Jewels on Kauto Star to win The Gold Cup again next year.

WCD:
Start printing money.
Rob a few banks.
Ask Vince Cable.

SF:
All wrong except for the one about Vince Cable but he isn’t here. Everybody loses all their points.

DCS:
Aye but ye see Mr. Fry…

WCD:
You sound like a Bond villain, ye see Mr. Bond nobody can stop me because I control all the porridge in the world.

DCS:
Ye see Stephen Quantitative Easing cannae fail because transferring toxic assets to the taxpayer will free the banks to restart lending at usurious rates to people who have no jobs, no income and no means to repay the loan except by borrowing more, using the toxic assets they hold as collateral.

TPB:
OK yah, my party would reintroduce slavery. There has never been a successful economy that was not based on slavery.

Katie Price:
The Tory Posh boy is not living on Planet Reality and the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot has lost the plot, what he is proposing is just a repetition of the debt fuelled boom that got us into the mess. We must first address the deep flaws in the system used to move money around the world by introducing strict but fair and transparent regulation then the banks can be held accountable for their malfeasance. Secondly the government must be willing to let banks fail rather than throwing taxpayers money at them. It is sufficient to underwrite clients’ savings. Bail outs and stimuli are simply a reward for failure. Third we must buy up houses with serious mortgage arrears due to the mis-selling of mortgages. By doing that we can allow people to stay in the homes they have made for themselves. Finally we must close tax loopholes which make it profitable to import from China good that could be made here. A system that exports British jobs and punishes local enterprise is insanity.

SF:
Absolutely right. Katie Price, you astound me.

Katie:
Of course I do because…

(she rips off her prosthetic breasts and tears away the false skin that has covered her face)

I’m not Katie Price at all, I’m really Vince Cable, the only personb in politics who saw the crash coming.

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