Jus Primae Noctis

It came as no surprise to Boggart Blog to hear IMF Chief Dominic Strauss Kahn is on suicide watch in the notoriously tough New York Prison where he is temporarily domiciled.

In is not the same of being arrested for sexual assault that has got to the internaional bureaucrat but the shock of finding out he cannot do what he wants, when he wants, to whom he wants.

Strauss Kahn is one of “our new unhappy lords,” those faceless and almost anonymous elitists who wouls establish a new world order under which national and cultural identities would dissapear. He is one of the leading proponents of a global government and a global financial system.

Such people simply cannot cope with learning the feudal Lord’s right of right of Jus Primae Noctis* has not been recognised since the twelveth century.

*The right of first night – the Lord got to shag every young woman who lived on his estate on the night of her wedding.

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Global Procrastination Day To Be Put Off Again

Yesterday was global procrastination day. Organisers put it off until today however, no reason was offered but perhaps they felt there had been a proliferation of events, pie week, womens’ day, everybody hates Chris Evans day (that one occurs every day) Red Nose Day, red arse day (celebrated by Chimps apparently), Jim Davidson for boss of the equal rights commission day (I’m being silly now) and world day of prayer, that procrastinators leaders though we could do with a break.

Today however is Boat Race Day. Whose boat race we will celebrate isn’t clear, I hope it’s Billie Piper’s, those beestung lips are very attractive. We also have to cope with lights out to save the planet hour starting at 8:30 this evening.

What with watching the boat race, the Rugby and cricket on television and remembering not to switch the lightes off because things like that are just a wank for tree huggers we’ll be so busy we might have to put off celebrating procrastination day again. Boggart Blog will not bother to bring you further news as it breaks.

Procrastination Day

Global Warming Causes A Stupidity Pandemic

from American Thinker
The American Medical Association (AMA) and the American Public Health Association (APHA) have declared Global Warming a serious public health threat. You may resume reading after your laughter subsides.

According to this article from Medpage Today:

“The “evidence has only grown stronger” that climate change is responsible for an increasing number of health ills, including asthma, diarrheal disease, and even deaths from extreme weather such as heat waves, said Georges Benjamin, MD, executive director of the APHA.

For one thing, rising temperatures can mean more smog, which makes children with asthma sicker, explained pediatrician Perry Sheffield, MD, MPH, assistant professor in the Department of Pediatrics and the Department of Preventive Medicine at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, in New York.

I suppose in the usual Climate Science tradition of forgetting to include any inconvenient data they did not conside the old people who thanks to global warming did not die of hypothermia because they could not afford to put the heating on, the people with emphysema and other breathing problems who did not die because their breathing was not affected by air at sub zero temperatures, or the people who did not fall through the ice and drown while skating because thanks to global warming there was no ice to fall through.

Won’t Get Fooled Again? – Yes We Will
Standing Up To Climate Science Bullies
Earth Hour No Power

Saving The Planet By Executive Jet

If you are sick of hearing about how we, you and me, us ordinary punters, are responsible for frying the planet you are going to love this.

UN Secretary General and leader of the Unification Church ( although he doesn’t like to talk about that), Ming Mong Moon, is getting very serious about saving the planet. So much so that he formed a high level Panel On Global Sustainability to compete with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change in a race to spend all the money in the world and achieve eff all.

So serious is Mr Moon (Sunny to his friends) that he called a meeting of his Global Sustainability Panel last week.

An internet video conference of these planet friendly folks you might well suppose. Or maybe the ecologically aware public servants met at the G20 meeting because everybody was already there.

WRONG.

The members from around the world, along with their rather large entourages flew to the cape in chartered jets.

Well when you’re saving the planet no luxury can be spared can it?

Rumpy Rules In the EU.

This weekend we are having a bit of a booze up in the Boggart Blog office as we celebrate another political success for our campaigning journalism. Our reporting of the stitch up being prepared to push Tony Blair into the post of EU President stopped the Blair bandwagon in its tracks.

The man now appointed President (no elections for anything that matters in the democratic European Union) is Herman Van Rompuy (pron: rumpy) far from having the global reputation EU leaders said a President should have is not even a household name in his own house.

But what of Blair’s alleged “traffic stopping factor,” the international celebrity that was supposed to sweep him into office? It may just have been the invention of Gordon Brown in response to complaints that the present Prime Minister’s support for his predecessor was less than wholehearted.

Did Tony Blair ever really have the traffic stopping X factor? you might well ask. Let’s face it he’s not Jedward is he? Most people I know, if they saw Tony Blair crossing the road would not top but put the pedal to the metal and go flat out for him.

There is no politician in the world who could make traffic stop other than at the road block preventing access to the security zone and only one who could make traffic slow down. That of course is Barack Obama and it is not his charisma or popularity that caught drivers’ attention as the remarkable resemblance his reed like (when not photoshopped) body and jug ears give him to a speed camera.

But what of our new EU President? Will he make any difference in Europe? Will Rumpy really rule?

In my experience it always did. When I worked for the EU Commission in Luxembourg the Baittement Jean Monnet sizzled with the sound of European Integration, (excuse me, I have just come over all misty eyed as memories of Claire Dondelanger surface.) It was inevitable I suppose, people were a long way from home and did not have enough work to keep them busy. We had to find something to do.

The problem was less acute for bureaucrats, they can easily fill a seven hour day with counting pens and managing their time management diary. For the rest of us, specialist consultants, highly motivated go getters that we were, whiling away the long hours between coffee and lunch breaks was bound to lead to mischief and mucho rumpy – pumpy.

So, apart from creation a whole new layer of the bureaucratic hierarchy will the appointment of Rompuy achieve anything.

In a world, no.

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Rumpy Pumpy’s vision for Europe – a green, knowledge based economy.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

The Answer To All Our Problems? Midnight Basketball.

One of the many negative aspects (are there any good ones?) of the so called Obama effect is the disproportionate amount of media attention being given to the utterances of every African – American from comedians and gangsta rappers to the usual suspects, the preacher – politicians. Obama overkill is hard enough to bear but the rest? They’ve been around years, what make anybody think they have anything new to say?

The latest of this ilk to come and give us British the benefit of his unique insight on the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is The Rev. Dr. Jesse Jackson (D.Phil, University of Sendusthemoney).

The Rev Dr. was allegedly a mentor of Barack Obama in the early days of The President’s march to world domination. It is clear that Jackson was a major influence, their oratory styles show a shared penchant for incomprehensibility.

Addressing an audience Dr. Jackson of politicians and media people, Dr. Jackson told them:

“There are children of light and children of darkness: one grows tall and multiplies with fruit (most people find it easier with a calculator but each to his own), the other is stunted. The stunted one is the inferior one. It was denied the light and photosynthesis.”

This was serious stuff, absolutely vital for people entering the giant leek growing competitions so popular in coal mining areas. But surely Jesse Jackson had not come to England to talk about growing leeks. We has a little more of a clue as to his real meaning from the next nugget of wisdom:

“Children in the light are driven by hope, children in the dark are driven by fear.” (OMG he was turning into Yoda) “There is global street violence and corporate violence.” he said, “the wealthy are reprimanded, the poor go to jail.”

Reverend JJ may as well have been talking about the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. He might even have been talking about the unknown knowns, the things we know but don’t know we know. One of the known knowns was that nobody in the audience knew what he was talking about and it seemed neither did he.

Eventually the evangelist moved on to the subject of prisons.

Prison does not work,” he said. “We have made an industry out of locking up our young men. There are a million African Americans and half a million Latinos in prison.

From there it was hard to guess where the lecture would go next. These pithy observations sounded more and more like Chance the Gardener in the film Being There, or Forrest Gump maybe. Jackson’s speech had now come to a fork in its path. One road pointed to the fact that having one and a half million people banged up was a great way of disguising how bad the unemployment had really become. The other was signposted “fiscal stimulus” as the prospect of letting loose a million and a half thieves and crooks would certainly trigger a surge in demand for cars, televisions, computers, camcorders and small, expensive, portable items as people replaced stuff that had been stolen.

Some left wing commentators had spoken of Jackson’s delivery being as mesmeric as Obama’s. it is a sad reflection of the failure of British education that journalists no longer know the difference between mesmerising and stupefying. The politicians were just too polite to interrupt.

A senior Conservative Member of Parliament was the first to break. He stopped The Reverend and reminded him that prison had worked in Boston.

“That was in a period when there was midnight basketball,” was the riposte.

Midnight basketball? Is this the answer to all the ills of our inner city communities? With bated breath the live audience and those of us listening on Radio awaited the great revelation of how Midnight basketball might work for the common good. Alas it did not come, the speaker had not finished with prisons.

“In school they got five free meals a week, in prison they get twenty – one. It’s a step up.”

Hang on a minute, wasn’t he just complaining about young men being sent to prison? So is this a suggestion that prison inmates meals be reduced to five a week? Does he want the poor lads to starve?

The second Parliamentarian’s veneer of reserve was broken. Martin Salter, a Labour MP tried to goad Jackson into condemning violent video games by asking if such pastimes made the situation worse in inner city areas. One could not help but hope for a reply to the effect that if the boys could play Midnight Basketball they would have no need to play Grand Theft Auto or shoot hos. It was not to be, Jesse had further to go into the realms of the surreal.

“ Freedom is victory over indecency, equality requires investment,” he proclaimed, continuing:” we must fight the disease with values, a lot more psychologists are needed.”

Leaving aside the obvious question, “What was he on and can we have some please,” the most fascinating issue he raised was Midnight Basketball. Everybody was mystified by it, was it something to do with a type of Urban Zen, a raised state of consciousness. Would people one day say of a great teacher “he quit crime and debauchery to devote his life to Midnight Basketball. Alternatively perhaps it was a reference to an imagined time of peace and plenty when everybody drove a Cadillac and nobody had anything to do but play Midnight Basketball. Or was it a coded reference to a forbidden pleasure in the way that in England the term French Polishing more often mean a service offered by ladies of negotiable affection that anything to do with antique furniture.

Perhaps Midnight Basketball is simply a phrase that conjures images of The Golden Age that exists in all our minds and always seems to slip from the future into the past without touching the present. In the way that Englishmen of a certain age go a bit misty when we recall the days we could take our girlfriend to town, see a show, have supper with wine in a good restaurant, be killed in a terrorist incident as we waited for a cab, have a respectable funeral and still have change out of five pounds.

All that of course was in a period when we had Midnight Cricket.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

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The Beer Standard – Now that’s what I call economics

The Economic situation may not be as bad as you think.

Years ago the world economy was based on the gold standard, every mark or frank or buck or a pound (cue song: tum tiddle um tiddle um tum tum) was worth a specified amount of gold. A pound was worth maybe a pea sized bit of gold, a frank guaranteed you a grain of rice sized lump of gold and a lira would be worth, on a good day, a grain of salt sized lump of gold. It sounds clunky but it worked quite well. Everybody knew what their money and investments were really worth compared to the price of fish.

With the global economy collapsing an Amercan economist has proposed a new standard against which currency values can be compared. Well Boggart Blog thinks he has anyway.

Washington Times finance writer Bob Battle has done some reasearch and found that $1000 invested in Delta Airlines a year ago would now be worth £49; the same $1000 invested in AIG stock would be worth just $33 while had it been used to buy Lehman Bros stock you would not have had a sausage, zilch, eff all.

BUT

If one year ago you had bought £1000 worth of beer in and saved all the aluminium cans you would not only have had the pleasure of drinking the beer but you could now weigh in the cans for scrap and they would be worth $214.

Quite clearly instead of having our currencies underpinned by debt and fancifully valued assets we should base the global system on beer.

Now that’s what I call economics.

(The person who feeds me the best reply pertaining to Arab countries being dry can treat themselves to an extra tinnie tonight.)

The Guardian on Sex And The Scouts story:
Baden – Powell would have poured cold water on sex education for scouts.

How did Iceland go bankrupt – A Boggart Wickedpedia explainer

When news broke that Iceland had virtually gone bankrupt last weekend most people’s reaction was a sigh of relief. No more of those irritation Kerry Katona adverts people thought, assuming the frozen food chain had been made insolvent because Miss Katona had eaten all the fish fingers. She has in recent months certainly started to look as if she ate all the pies.

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) that is the wrong Iceland. The store you see in the high street, well more often in a low rent location just off the high street is still going strong. Kerry has not managed to eat all the taking yet. The Iceland that has been caught up in the global financial meltdown is the almost barren lump of volcanic rock in a low rent location just off Greenland.

So how did Iceland get hold of so much money to gamble in the global toxic debt derivatives markets? Apparently it is something to do with the price of fish. What has that to do with the price of fish you might well ask. Well there was a glut of toxic debt and a shortage of fish around the world. This was caused by letting the bankers meddle in the fishing industry. Nobody wanted toxic debts, everybody wanted fish.

As the submarine volcanoes around Iceland make it a place fish like to live and Icelandic property prices were cheap all the fish moved to Iceland and were followed by the financial services industry who saw a chance to make a killing (anybody can join a seal clubbing club). All the investors had to do was keep the fish in the water where Kerry Katona could not eat them and the Icelandic economy was underwritten by fish.

While the major economies floundered Iceland became the plaice to invest in. People all around the world put their money into Icelandic banks. As soon as the investors went off for a fish supper the Icelandic bankers took the money (or at least what was left of it after television presenters duffed up by Bjork had been compensated) and bought Collateralised debt obligations and other cod investment vehicles. The bottom fell out of the fish based economy and Iceland had nothing to fall back on. Not much will grow on Iceland and there are few natural resources.

It turned out an Icelandic entrepreneur named Magnus Gruntsdottir had been trading in fish futures without telling anybody that Icelandic fish have no future. They are destined at an early age to end up in fish fingers or to be laid alongside a pile of chips and sprinkled with salt and vinegar. As soon as the world markets learned this the Icelandic economy took a battering.

Fish had been everything to Iceland, they even brewed an alcoholic drink from fermented fish. This drink is unique in that when drinking wine or beer one finds the first glass enjoyable but by the seventh or eighth it is making the drinker want to throw up. The Icelandic fish liquor works the opposite was. The first sip makes people throw up but by the second glass one is so desensitised it has no effect.

We Boggart Bloggers have a feeling news of the financial crisis will seem like six glasses of fermented fish liquor by the end of this week.

Labour Minister says investors are entitled to their money from the government of Iceland in the wake of that fragment of the death of capitalism, but Conservative blogger iain Dale is on the case. Tory voting individual savers first, wasteful Labour councils nowhere.

Guardianista Frozen Cash – Arch plotter and shit stirrer Guido Fawkes remembers some smug economic pundit writing for The Guardian just a month ago recommended that with the economic crisis already panicking the markets a safe haven for punters cash was Iceland.
Good work there.

Financial Crisis? “Just Invest In The Word Of The Lord” says MP

Earlier in the week Boggart Blog reported on a solution to the global financial crisis suggested by The Rev. Dr. Iain Paisley who thought that if we all repent our sins, gave up our financial irresponsbility and prayed for divine intervention The Almighty might bung a few trillion pounds into the markets to prop up the failing banks. So that’s what Gordon brown has been smiling about all week?

Those of us for whom there is not enough time left before to Universe implodes to allow us to get through repenting ALL our sins (and how can we repent those we’ve forgotten) are not holding our breath while waiting for it to work but it has to be said so far there are no better ideas on the table.

Meanwhile another MP has found reason to think the answer may lie in The Good Book (Authorised King James version). Tony Baldry thinks he has found a reference predicting the era of market madness followed by the collapse of the global financial system. In Isiah 52 verse 8 he tells us, the prophet predicts that in the last days we would all “break into joy (poor Joy, I hope she is well supplied with lubricant) and sing together.”

Right so.

Later in the book comes the prediction “the grass withereth and the flower fadeth away but the word of The Lord endureth forever.

Well that’s what we need to do then, link the value of currencies to the word of The Lord and put an end to dodgy speculation in the futures markets.

Unless of course The Lord is Lord Mandelson. We all know what his word is worth.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Times Are Hard

Deutsche Bank, Germany’s largest, has been hit by the global credit crunch so badly that it has issued a memorandum to senior executives telling them that brothel visits and adult channels in hotel rooms cannot be claimed on expenses. The memo also warns that the bank’s credit cards must not be used for such purposes.

This news makes Boggart Blog look a tad less perspicacious than usual. Only last week we were reminding readers of Tony Soprano saying the only businesses unaffected by recession were crime, gambling and prostitution. With businesses no longer preapared to pay for commercial sex on executives’ eccies, that field of enterprise will soon be feeling the pinch. How long before crime and gambling suffer?