If Only He’d Known….

Should really have posted this yesterday but I was catching up on my shut-eye after being unable to leave the TV with Europe having come back from 10 – 6 down to 12 a piece in the Ryder Cup.

And wasn’t it brilliant watching them finally ovrhauling the Americans to win the cup outright, rather than just retain it?

Well, perhaps not if you are American.

Then came the story that Rory McIlroy had nearly missed his tee time, having confused Eastern time with Central time.

A kindly state trooper, deputy sheriff no less, drove the rather too relaxed Irish chipmunk to the course, where he just had time to hit a coouple of chips and then he was up to the tee, and, well, the rest is history.

A bit like the deputy sheriff’s career I should imagine.

Congratulations to all the Europe Team.

Indecent Exposure At The Open Golf?

Watching a little of the Open golf tournament I was reminded that television commentators on golf or any other sport for that matter live not just on a different planet but in a universe of their own. Faced with a lull in the action because everyone had fallen down a hole / gone for a wee / was busy playing sandcastles, the man on the mic. decided to wax lyrical about the facilities at the host club, Sandwich.

“There is a wonderful clubhouse here, the food and drink are excellent,” he enthused, “the only problem is it is quite a long way from the first tee so you can’t sit in a window and watch old Fred bang one off.”

Now I don’t know if watching old Fred bang one off of is part of the game of golf everywhere or just a local tradition at Royal Sandwich Golf Club but I certainly don’t want to watch him. As far as I’m concerned his private life is his own business but I hope club officials would warn him his habits could get him arrested.

Coming Soon – Migration Watch – Live

A brief respite yesterday in my currently hectic life, and it was my wedding anniversary too!

Because of circumstances beyond my control we were unable to make our intended trip to France, so were Barnsley bound.

But what a day!

Went for a round of golf with hubby, although not fit enough to play yet I did take along my pitching wedge and putter and gobsmacked not only myself but hubby and one or two other players with the accuracy of my pitches and putts! And that with only one eye as the other is inflamed, half closed and photophobic with a nasty eye infection.
Punches a right uppercut into the air whilst shouting “Yeeessssssss!”.

Then back home to watch the Turkish Grands Prix.

They might have started off looking like they’d actually grown up this season, and indeed both Ferrari and McLaren demonstrated this by not releasing their pit departing cars into the paths of oncoming vehicles, however the cracks are starting to show.

Mr Schumacher was up to his old tricks, baulking Hamilton in qualifying and having a tangle with one of the Renaults and then pushing somebody into the pit lane as they tried to pass, oh and starting well up the grid only to finish thirteenth, out qualified and out driven once again by his younger team-mate Nico Rosberg.

We also saw Adrian Sutil getting up close and personal with a couple of other cars, whilst McLaren struggled with a wheel nut, Mark Webber showed off his fighting spirit, coming through to take second whilst young Herr Vettel disappeared over the horizon, taking the chequerted flag once again.

Of course this being F1 the rumours are starting to fly about the legality of the Red Bull, further encouraged by the hasty cover up of the rear of the car following Vettels trip into the barriers during the rainy first practice session.

The tears and tantrums should be in full swing by the time they get to Silverstone!

Next up was Man Utd versus Chelsea, the Premiership leaders and their closest pursuers, made all the better by the fact that Man U won – well it made it better for me, hubby wasn’t so chuffed as he fervently supports anyone who is playing against Man U, a stand I feel is not unique:)

And finally the Madrid Masters tennis final between Rafa Nadal and Novak Djokovic. Apart from Rafa losing that has got to be a near perfect day television wise.

But wait, what was that I saw in the paper?

Migration Watch!

Somebody at the Beeb needs to get this commisioned right away.

Think of Spring Watch only at a couple of ports and air terminals.

The hushed tones of Mr. Oddie as he peers through his binoculars at the passengers disembarking from flight FSU364, Doncaster bound from somewhere deep inside the former Soviet Union.

“We’re looking at the passengers coming off this flight. I can see some passports already being proffered… some EU passports in there.. oh, oh, over there, Non EU Residents passport control, I can see an earnest discussion between a gentleman and an official, perhaps we can zoom in to get a closer look? Yes, yes, the official is looking at the passport and shaking his head, oh and look, the gentleman is indicating the whole group of people with him, it looks to me like it might be extended family…yes, he’s got the aged grandparent, the wife holding the baby and practically someone from every year in between those two extremes… ah, a second official… oh and an armed policeman…. they’re leading the gentleman and his family into one of the intrview rooms….”

Cut back to Bill Oddie standing next to a baggage carousel.

“Well I’m afraid that all we’ve got time for today, don’t forget to tune in tomorrow when we should be able to pop back and give you an update on that situation we have just seen developing.
Don’t forget to send us your pictures of migrants, especially those you think might be trying to get into the country illegally!

Goodnight!”

Got to be a winner.

Did Golf Chiefs Show Favouritism To Tiger Woods

In the British Open golf championship yesterday play was suspended due to bad weather shortly after one-in-the-hole specialist Tiger Woods had begun his round.

The official reason given by golf authorities in a news conference was that the course had become unplayable. We hear from our sources however the real reason was that former Champion Woods complained that the wind had caused his playing partner to develop a dangerous hook.

Now if there is one player in the tournament who should be used to playing with hookers it’s Tiger.

This is Sandy Bunker, Boggart Blog Sport
from the Old Course, St. Andrews.

Graeme who? – An Englishman’s Pain

Some bloke called Graeme has just won the US Open golf championship and he’s one of ours…

It came as a total surprise to me as I have never heard of him. Now as you well know I am not the most avid follower of sport but I do try to keep up with what is going on, I’ve heard of Lee Westwood, Ian Poulter, Luke Donald and Rory McIlroy so I am not totally out of the loop.

But never mind who this Graeme geezer is, he’s a winner and we desperately need some winners in all our sporting endeavours especially the World Cup. Give him a few hours to sleep off the celebratory champagne then get him on a plane to South Af.f.f.for crying out loud he’s from Northern Ireland.

Isn’t it time we stopped all that tribalistic nonesense?

Oh well, back to desperation I guess … please God, I’m a sinner but I promise I’ll repent, I really really will, if you make Wayne Rooney get his act together before Wednesday. And a bit of smiting wouldn’t go amiss. Far be it from me to tell you who to smite God but a certain Senor Capello would be a good place to start.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Nike Stands By Its Tiger As Porn Star Alleges Affair With Woods

The thunder of stampeding feet shows no sign of decreasing in volume as the stampede of sponsors running away from Tiger Woods continues. Latest blow for the Tiger Woods brand image came when a porn star who alleges she had an affair with the world’s No. 1 golfer and most prodigious shagger of 2009. Joslyn James, pictured here, the tenth woman in two weeks who claims she had intimate knowledge of the shaft Tigers of Tigers No1. Iron spoke of tender and sensitive lovemaking with Tiger. We should not place two much faith in this testimony to Tiger’s skills in the bedroom bunker as Joslyn had only ever screwed plumbers with ridiculous moustaches before.

The sponsors that have dumped Woods include soft drinks manufacturers, management consultancies and financial services firms. One sponsor determined to stand by Tiger is Nike, the company named after the Greek goddess of victory. Phil Knight, founder and CEO of Nike, the sports clothing company famed for paying kids in the third world 10 pence an hour to make it’s expensive sports shoes that people like Tiger Woods were paid fortunes to endorse said of the billionaire golfers career meltdown, “When Tiger’s career is over people will look back on these few weeks as a minor blip.”

What does he mean “when Tiger’s career is over?” Isn’t the word ‘when’ redundant?

To show how solid its support for Tiger is they should perhaps change their slogan from ‘Just do it’ to ‘Just do her.’

related posts:
Tiger Woods Apologises – But To Whom
Victims Of Hype – but who is the real victim, Tiger Woods, his fans or golf ?

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Golf and Marriage are Dangerous Games.

Golf and marriage may seem to have little in common but they are in fact both very dangerous games. In golf you can easily lose your ball and in marriage a many may easily lose his balls both metaphorically and physically. One would expect world No1 golfer Tiger Woods to be familiar with the dangers of golf. Having led as cosseted life however he may not be so well informed on the dangers of marriage. This would explain how he ended up in hospital with “facial lacerations” following a car accident outside hi home in Florida.

Though the accident was described as “trivial” and the car Woods was driving, a Cadillac SUV was substantial a spokesman said his injuries were entirely consistent with hitting his face on the steering wheel. When police arrived at the scene however, they found Tiger’s lovely Swedish wife Elin attacking the SUV with a golf club. She claimed she was trying to smash the rear window.

Now to our way of thinking it would seem Elin was either saying none of the SUV’s four doors were operable after the “trivial accident or that Tiger was trapped by the airbag. but surely if the airbag had worked properly it would have prevented the driver sustaining steering wheel related injuries.

We are left to conclude then that Cadillac SUVs have defective airbags and crappy doors. We anticipate the Woodses will be hearing from lawyers retained by the luxury car maker.

It is pure coincidence according to everybody involved in the case but earlier on the day of the accident a story published by scurrilous tabloid rag the National Enquirer alleged that Tiger had been enjoying a dalliance with Rachael Uchitel, a serial shag and tell operator. Rachel, of whose career our investigative reporters can learn little other than she has lots of affairs with celebrities and makes lucrative deals for exclusives on the stories, is good looking and attractive in a rather obvious way it has to be admitted but anyone who knows what flaxen haired Swedish ex model Elin looks like will find it difficult to understand why Tiger was aiming his putter at any other hole (Tiger with Nordic beauty Elin)

Now we are not suggesting the revelation of this unsubstantiated rumour on the same day as the accident happened is anything but coincidence. It has to be said however that the Boggart Blog resident doctor’s opinion steering wheel related injuries might easily be confused with golf club related injuries.

Clearly this story has a long way to run. We will bring you further updates as they come in. Clearly the world of golf is more exciting than we ever imagined. We apologise to our readers for ignoring it for so long.

The Tiger Roars Again Another ambulance visited Tiger Woods home in the early hours of this morning. An unidentified woman was taken away on a stretcher. There were rumours of drug overdoses but no reports of golf club related injusries.

We will keep you updated on the Tiger Woods Marriage Mystery as news breaks.

RELATED POSTS:
Nike Stands By It’s Tiger

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Catastrophe in Space; Lembit Opik Collides With Jupiter

Lembit Opik - BBC picture archive

An even that took place almost unnoticed on Sunday could have a profound effect on the fate of humanity. It was a cataclysmic cosmic collision of the kind many people believed wiped out the dinosaurs on Earth 60 million years ago and which space watchers predict could in the near future bring to a similar end the era of human domination.

Last Sunday as America watched veteran golfer Tom Watson fail in his effort to travel back in time and win a major golf tournament and Britain, Australia and most of the Indian sub continent were glued to the television watching cricket, Liberal, Democrat MP Lembit Opik collided with the gaseous planet Jupiter.

To the embarrassment of NASA, Jodrell Bank and the European Space Agency the incident was missed by their multi billion dollar observatories and has only been recorded thanks to an amateur astronomer.

Anthony Wesley (44) of Canberra, Australia was stargazing using the small telescope he has in his shed. He told a Boggart Blog reporter, “I had been watching Jupiter for a while but no notable stars had gone near it so I decided to take a short break to have a cuppa and check how the golf and cricket were going. When I returned and looked through the scope I said to myself,”Strewth, that bludger Opik is on a collision course.” He was about to crash into the gas giant’s filmy surface.

“Everybody in the world of star gazing knows Lembit Opik, he’s been banging on for years about an asteroid hit wiping out life on Earth.” Anthony said before admitting he was disappointed only to have seen an eccentric Member of Parliament from the UK rather than any real space travelling stars like David Bowie or Elton John.

The fact that he was able to alert NASA to the collision was some compensation he told us.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrat Party said, “We have been worried about Lembit’s increasingly erratic behaviour for some time but nobody could have predicted he was about to do something like this. He never really got over being dumped by his former fiancée the pop asteroid Gabriella Cheeky-girl. In the wake of that set back in his personal life and his increasing concern that nobody was taking him seriously about the likelihood of a small heavenly body causing catastrophe on Earth.

Our mole in Westminster expanded on that. “It is well known in the bars and tea rooms of Westminster that Lembit was obsessed with his fears about how much damage a relatively small object from space could do. Gabriella Cheeky – Girl has a small heavenly body so clearly her leaving affected Lembit deeply. He could not come to terms with the break up and driven to despair he launched himself into space to warn us of what might happen if we get into ill matched relationships. See the small heavenly body that wound Lembit up by following this link Click to play – better with the sound off.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
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Ian at Authorsden

Random Musings of a Frustrated Blogger

Well Ian was hoping that either Cleo or I would turn up, and look, here I am only a day late.

I too was watching the golf yesterday; and the cricket and the MotoGP and Le tour, such a busy time of year, and hoping that good natured Tommy could hold it together. Alas it was not to be, but the nearly OAP done good.
It must have been inspiring too, because when I went out today (on the golf course that is) I holed a thirty yard chip shot! Yay!

Lots of things caught my eye last week and I would have loved to blog about them but unfortunately hubby is working from home for a few weeks, plus Sezjez and BBC allegedly scouring the internet for gainful employment opportunites, and any chance I have of getting near the computer vanishes into the wee small hours, when I’m too bloody knackered anyway.

However it was nice to see that Michael wasn’t the only insane one out of the five.
Brother Tito declaimed that “you only had to look at those kids to see they are Michael’s.” Huh?

Having said that, look closely at the younger one, Blanket, and he/she/it does bear some resemblance to MJ. I presume this is because he/she/it was actually made from the offcuts from Michael’s extensive plastic surgery.

Another thing that caught my eye was the MALE midwife who declared that women were being a bit soft if they chose to have an epidural rather than suffer through the labour pains.
Now being the only member of the Boggarblog team that has actually had a baby I have to say that I never really got what all the fuss was about, a few deep breaths, bit of backache, urge to push and congratulations Fatsal, it’s a boy!
Far be it from me to suggest that this is every woman’s experience, so live and let live; Doc’s invented the epidural, somebody’s got to use it.

The bit that rankles is that this is a highly respected MALE midwife. So as much as he might share our pain mentally he has never tried to evacuate something the size of a cantaloupe melon through an aperture that has previously only allowed access to a few sperm.
It seems to me that he ought to be put under and have an American football inserted into his bowel, then be woken and made to pass it before he starts telling the women of the world how to have babies.
There again, he’s obviously pretty good at talking out of his arse.

And finally, off to buy some charcoal with BBC for a barbecue tonight.
It came in a box!!! With a carrying handle!!!
No having to hug a large sooty sack and get my kit all dirty.
How civilised is that?
Which set us to wondering, is there a gap in the market here?
Oughtn’t Prince Charles to be offering Duchy Origanl Organic Charcoal?
Made from naturally fallen trees in sustainable woods, coppices, stands, copses and forests on the Duchy of Cornwall estate, Duchy Original Organic charcoal is manufactured using only the finest incendiary ingredients.
Packaged in 100% recyclable pinewood boxes, lined with re-cycled paper, Duchy Original Organic Charcoal is a must for the environmantally friendly, yet discerning barbecuer.
Only £14.99 per Kilo.