A Better Class Of Prime Minister

As I have nothing better to post today I’m going to pass on this quote from London councillor Nigel Fletcher commenting on Big Society Dave’s efforts at the EU Summit:

The Prime Minister says he “hit the phones” at EU summit yesterday. A nice change from the last Prime Minister, who used to hit people with phones.

Enjoy. It made me laugh.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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Dearest Nick

The press is awash today with the news that the outgoing, or as it should now be, the outgone, Chief Secretary to The Treasury, Sir Liam Byrne, left a note for his successor saying, quite succinctly we feel,
“I’m afraid there is no money. Kind regards – and good luck!”

Boggartblog can now reveal the note left in the Deputy Prime Minister’s office f.a.o. NIck Clegg.

Dearest Nick,

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now I need a place to hide away, as you and your fancy boy posh school friend have decided to shack up in my house.

Words can not express how much you meant to me….a last chance to cling on to power would only be the starting point.

In a little while from now, if I’m not feeling any less sour, I promise myself to treat myself and visit a nearby tower and make arrangements for that toffee nosed usurper to be flung into the dungeons! Ah, if only…

Late last night I took a walk outside your (my) house. All the blinds were pulled down low, way down tight, saw two silhouettes on the shade, oh what a lovely couple you made…. spew, vomit.

Ach, I don’t think I’m doing this very well but don’t worry dearest Nick, every breath you take, I’ll be watching you.

Kind regards Gordon.

Labour Contenders Line Up With David Milliband To The Fore

Even before Gordon Brown had finished his “I’m going to step down as PM and party leader, not now but at some time in the future, maybe, unless I have to step up and save the country” speech his wannabe successor David Milliband, Thunderbirds puppet lookalike and the senior half of pop politics duo Deadward, was pushing himself forward as a potential replacement and candidate for the leadership election. Milliband has many obvious weaknesses but is current favourite to succeed Brown.

So who are the contenders hoping to stop him? Boggart Blog give you a rundown of all the likely candidates, their strengths and weaknesses.

David Milliband ( Thunderbirds Puppet)
For: Admired by party elite, left wing intelligentsia and the Islington metrosexual set.
Against: He’s a cunt.
Supporters: Tony Blair, David Milliband, The Conservatives
Most likely to: Bottle it
Least likely to: Appeal to labour voters

Ed Balls ( Mr. Bollocks)
For: Not a lot
Against: Everybody hates him
Supporters: Gordon Brown
Most likely to: Deny ever knowing Gordon Brown
Least likely to: Win

Alan Johnson (Real Nowhere Man)
For: Has few enemies
Against: Billy no – mates
Supporters: Unions and grassroots members
Most likely to: Say “Howay the lads” and down a pint of Newcastle Brown
Least likely to: Eat quiche

Ed Milliband (Harry Potter lookalike)
For: Is not called David, does not look like Thunderbirds puppet
Against: Can’t do magic
Supporters: Mostly under twelve
Most likely to: Point wand at Tories and say “Expelliamus”
Least likely to: Be recognised by members of the public

Harriet Harperson (He face turns men to stone)
For: Will get the feminist vote
Against: Inspires fear and loathing in creatures with testicles
Supporters: Mostly in prison for murder
Most likely to: Demand more female and ethnic minority MPs
Least likely to: Offer Boris Johnson a tuppeny upright

Peter Mandelson (He flies by night)
For: He’s from the dark side
Against: Not eligible (but that did not stop Barack Obama)
Supporters: The undead
Most likely to: Put the bite on David Cameron
Least likely to: Increase death duties

And now over to the Boggart Blog bookie:

Current favourite is David Milliband but he has drifted out fron 6/4 to 2/1.

There is steady support for AlanJohnson at 5/1

Ed Balls in 7/1 but if his wife runs as his deputy leader you can get 500/1 on the forecast.

Harriet Harperson badly needs some support at 25/1 but the steamer in the early betting is Ed Milliband in from 33/1 after the election to 8/1 on the exchanges this morning.

And a late springer in the market, you could have got any price you wanted on Saturday, he was quoted at 250/1 on Sunday but this morning the professional punters are snapping up 10/1, it’s Tony Blair. Get on the comeback kid thile there’s a bit of value left.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Blair Faith Foundation

Tony Blair, Sex God

Brown To Nurses "You’re All Bigots."

No, Gordon did not actually say that when addressing the Royal College Of Nursing conference this week. What he did was try ineptly to pay tribute to the profession and the work its members do.

After telling the RCN members they are all very very nice people and not in any way at all bigots unless they disagree with him or question his diktat about anything the Prime Miniter went on to praise the work done by nurses and mention the humanity, compassion and generosity of spirit shown by those in the profession.

“Everything the government has done, every penny of the billions of pounds invested in the NHS would have been worth it if just one life was saved,” Mr. Brown said before nutting a delegate who asked why, in view of all that money, there is still an acute shortage of nurses.

Hang on? Just look again at the phrasing of that statement. “Would have been worth it if one life had been saved.” Doesn’t that mean one life has not been saved? Well no bloody wonder because all the money the Labour government invested in the NHS has been spent on hiring managers, accountants and administrators or providing jollies for the aforementioned.

Even if Labour’s efforts had managed to keep one person alive at a cost of £££billions it would represent poor value for money. And what if that person had turned out to be the next Adolf Hitler, Uncle Joe Stalin, Idi Amin, Chairman Mao or Tony Blair?

Would it have been money well spent then?

Gordon and The Original Comeback Kid.

I cut this from another blog earlier but can’t remember whose blog it was now. Still it seems to be going viral so no harm done

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.’

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly’.

The British Diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’

Oh, Boy, Things Must Be BAD

D’you know what I really really hate about the modern world? I mean really really really hate?

It’s the way the media have turned into bloody oracles. Instead of telling you what has happened they tell you what is going to happen.

“Tomorrow Gordon Brown will announce…etc. etc.”

“David Cameron will tomorrow …und so weiter.”

“In a document to be unveiled tomorrow police will be … blah blah blah.”

“The findings of the (insert appropriate name here) enquiry, to be published tomorrow, will show that X was not responsible… yada yada yada.

Anyway that’s not the point of the post.
But the point of the post starts the same way.

From today’s Telegraph,

“Gordon Brown wil admit for the first time today that he made mistakes that contributed to the financial crisis.”

Well hell! All that posturing and blaming the Americans, we all remember the oft repeated litany that this was a global crisis that started in America.
This started in America.
The crisis started in America…. and so on until we were all heartily sick of it and practically begging on bended knee for Gordon the Terrible to at least shoulder some of the blame.

And now,ahem, with an election just 3 weeks away, for some reason best known to his advisors and spin doctors Gordo says Mea Culpa?

How stupid does he think we are?

Wossy’s Wife Very Very Drunk?

Today, not being a regular subscriber any more, I bought The Guardian as they always have the best April Fool story. My quid was well rewarded as this year’s election related April Fool was a cracking good yarn about Labour and Gordon Brown’s election strategy Gratifying to see also a few jokes from Boggart Blog’s recent “Gordfellas” story finding their was into it. Much more of that and we will be believing the boast that our humble blog is the most influential media organisation in the entire nation.

Another item caught my eye in the paper though, a story about the writing career of Jane Goldman, wife of Jonathan Ross and a woman whose monstrous breasts could easily have inspired the remake of Clash Of The Titans.

One thing Ms. Goldman said that made me do a quick double take was that she did not marry Ross because she was attracted by his wealth and fame.

In that case it could only have been because she was very very drunk.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Psycho Prime Minister

All these years the nation has been singing “Gordon is a moron” as the Prime Ministers theme tune. In view of the recent revelations of uncontrollable rages, verbal and possibly physical abuse of staff, irrational hatred of mobile phones and laptops and a tendency to self harm perhaps we should have been singing Black Sabbath’s Paranoid, Iron Maiden’s Can I Play With Madness or even They’re Coming To Take Me Away HaHa by Napoleon XIV .

As more stories of rages, temper tantrums and bullying emerge each day the nation is asking will the man in No. 10 turn into the Incredible Hulk when David Cameron taunts him?

Gordon Brown and people close to him have dismissed the stories as fabrications cooked up by his political enemies yet the stories are taken from a book by a left leaning writer with a reputation for meticulous fact checking. To make matters worse a charity that runs a bullying helpline has revealed it received several calls from staff at No. 10. So just what is Brown’s problem? Is he a man on the edge, has he always been a thug or did Obama really upset him so much at Copenhagen he is now taking it out on lowly civil servants? We sent our Parliamentary Correspondent Polly Tickle to talk to the Prime Minister and get his side of the story. She sent us this report from A & E at Middlesex Hospital.

Mr Brown was eager to grant Boggart Blog an interview and greeted me warmly when I was shown into his office. My first question was polite and uncontroversial, I asked how Sarah and the boys were. For some reason this seemed cause great offence.

“What business is it of yours, bitch?” The Prime Minister shouted, grabbing my mobile phone and throwing it at the wall, “You fucking journalists make me sick. Parasites, that’s all you are, the lot of you.”

Mr Brown produced a hammer from his briefcase and nailed my hand to his desk. With me unable to move he grabbed my laptop and kicked it around his study before jumping on it. Then he stapled six post it notes to his own forehead and ran outside to headbutt some tourists.

After that he seemed to calm down and told me if I promised to write something nice about him he would kick one of his staff in the groin and tell them to call an ambulance for me.

Overall I think it is unfair to describe the Prime Minister as psycho. Mr Brown came across to me as a decent, kind, caring man trying his best to cope in a difficult situation and getting no appreciation from either his party colleagues or the nation.

I’ve kept my side of the bargain Prime Minister, will you take that knife away from my throat now please.

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More humour every day at Boggart Blog

The End of The Affair

Gordon knew something was wrong, deep in his heart.
He had noticed that the public didn’t close their eyes anymore when he kissed their lips. (They had always done so for Tony)
There was no tenderness anymore in their fingertips – a worrying thought when those same fingertips would be weilding the pen in the voting booth in a very short time.

They weren’t even trying hard not to show it, so Gordon, Gordon he knew it. They’d lost that loving feeling, whoa that loving feeling , they’d lost that loving feeling, it was gone gone gone, whoa oh oh.

But life wouldn’t be worth living if he couldn’t have the public’s love and support. Leadership was his lifeblood. It was what he had been put on this earth for. He was the greatest statesman of his era. He was the one who had led the world out of the wilderness of recession and into the promised land of economic growth. Surely they couldn’t turn their back on him now. But it seemed that they had. What could he do?

He tried to tell them he would change.

But he’d told them that before and now they wouldn’t believe him.

He tried to tell them he would listen more, but he’d told them that before and now they wouldn’t believe him on that one either.

He tried to start being honest with them. Tell them what they needed to hear, not what he thought they wanted to hear, but he somehow lacked that sincerity that might have convinced them. He sounded shallow, fickle and, most damagingly, desperate.

There was only one thing left. He would stalk them. He would follow their every move, note their every whim and fancy and make sure he was there with a promise to fulfil their needs.

Reform of the expenses system?
Yes he would usher that in.
More open and transparent government?
He was the man to bring it to life.
Voting reform?
He was the one in favour of the alternative vote.
The need to cut spending?
He was sharpening the axe even now.

But when you fall out of love there is no going back.
In fact if your ex won’t leave you alone it is just possible you might turn round in the heat of the moment and tell him what a complete arsehole you think he is.

Roll on May 6th (Allegedly)