A Better Class Of Prime Minister

As I have nothing better to post today I’m going to pass on this quote from London councillor Nigel Fletcher commenting on Big Society Dave’s efforts at the EU Summit:

The Prime Minister says he “hit the phones” at EU summit yesterday. A nice change from the last Prime Minister, who used to hit people with phones.

Enjoy. It made me laugh.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Papering Over The Cracks at G20

Dearest Nick

The press is awash today with the news that the outgoing, or as it should now be, the outgone, Chief Secretary to The Treasury, Sir Liam Byrne, left a note for his successor saying, quite succinctly we feel,
“I’m afraid there is no money. Kind regards – and good luck!”

Boggartblog can now reveal the note left in the Deputy Prime Minister’s office f.a.o. NIck Clegg.

Dearest Nick,

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now I need a place to hide away, as you and your fancy boy posh school friend have decided to shack up in my house.

Words can not express how much you meant to me….a last chance to cling on to power would only be the starting point.

In a little while from now, if I’m not feeling any less sour, I promise myself to treat myself and visit a nearby tower and make arrangements for that toffee nosed usurper to be flung into the dungeons! Ah, if only…

Late last night I took a walk outside your (my) house. All the blinds were pulled down low, way down tight, saw two silhouettes on the shade, oh what a lovely couple you made…. spew, vomit.

Ach, I don’t think I’m doing this very well but don’t worry dearest Nick, every breath you take, I’ll be watching you.

Kind regards Gordon.

Labour Contenders Line Up With David Milliband To The Fore

Even before Gordon Brown had finished his “I’m going to step down as PM and party leader, not now but at some time in the future, maybe, unless I have to step up and save the country” speech his wannabe successor David Milliband, Thunderbirds puppet lookalike and the senior half of pop politics duo Deadward, was pushing himself forward as a potential replacement and candidate for the leadership election. Milliband has many obvious weaknesses but is current favourite to succeed Brown.

So who are the contenders hoping to stop him? Boggart Blog give you a rundown of all the likely candidates, their strengths and weaknesses.

David Milliband ( Thunderbirds Puppet)
For: Admired by party elite, left wing intelligentsia and the Islington metrosexual set.
Against: He’s a cunt.
Supporters: Tony Blair, David Milliband, The Conservatives
Most likely to: Bottle it
Least likely to: Appeal to labour voters

Ed Balls ( Mr. Bollocks)
For: Not a lot
Against: Everybody hates him
Supporters: Gordon Brown
Most likely to: Deny ever knowing Gordon Brown
Least likely to: Win

Alan Johnson (Real Nowhere Man)
For: Has few enemies
Against: Billy no – mates
Supporters: Unions and grassroots members
Most likely to: Say “Howay the lads” and down a pint of Newcastle Brown
Least likely to: Eat quiche

Ed Milliband (Harry Potter lookalike)
For: Is not called David, does not look like Thunderbirds puppet
Against: Can’t do magic
Supporters: Mostly under twelve
Most likely to: Point wand at Tories and say “Expelliamus”
Least likely to: Be recognised by members of the public

Harriet Harperson (He face turns men to stone)
For: Will get the feminist vote
Against: Inspires fear and loathing in creatures with testicles
Supporters: Mostly in prison for murder
Most likely to: Demand more female and ethnic minority MPs
Least likely to: Offer Boris Johnson a tuppeny upright

Peter Mandelson (He flies by night)
For: He’s from the dark side
Against: Not eligible (but that did not stop Barack Obama)
Supporters: The undead
Most likely to: Put the bite on David Cameron
Least likely to: Increase death duties

And now over to the Boggart Blog bookie:

Current favourite is David Milliband but he has drifted out fron 6/4 to 2/1.

There is steady support for AlanJohnson at 5/1

Ed Balls in 7/1 but if his wife runs as his deputy leader you can get 500/1 on the forecast.

Harriet Harperson badly needs some support at 25/1 but the steamer in the early betting is Ed Milliband in from 33/1 after the election to 8/1 on the exchanges this morning.

And a late springer in the market, you could have got any price you wanted on Saturday, he was quoted at 250/1 on Sunday but this morning the professional punters are snapping up 10/1, it’s Tony Blair. Get on the comeback kid thile there’s a bit of value left.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Blair Faith Foundation

Tony Blair, Sex God

Brown To Nurses "You’re All Bigots."

No, Gordon did not actually say that when addressing the Royal College Of Nursing conference this week. What he did was try ineptly to pay tribute to the profession and the work its members do.

After telling the RCN members they are all very very nice people and not in any way at all bigots unless they disagree with him or question his diktat about anything the Prime Miniter went on to praise the work done by nurses and mention the humanity, compassion and generosity of spirit shown by those in the profession.

“Everything the government has done, every penny of the billions of pounds invested in the NHS would have been worth it if just one life was saved,” Mr. Brown said before nutting a delegate who asked why, in view of all that money, there is still an acute shortage of nurses.

Hang on? Just look again at the phrasing of that statement. “Would have been worth it if one life had been saved.” Doesn’t that mean one life has not been saved? Well no bloody wonder because all the money the Labour government invested in the NHS has been spent on hiring managers, accountants and administrators or providing jollies for the aforementioned.

Even if Labour’s efforts had managed to keep one person alive at a cost of £££billions it would represent poor value for money. And what if that person had turned out to be the next Adolf Hitler, Uncle Joe Stalin, Idi Amin, Chairman Mao or Tony Blair?

Would it have been money well spent then?

Gordon and The Original Comeback Kid.

I cut this from another blog earlier but can’t remember whose blog it was now. Still it seems to be going viral so no harm done

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.’

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly’.

The British Diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’

Oh, Boy, Things Must Be BAD

D’you know what I really really hate about the modern world? I mean really really really hate?

It’s the way the media have turned into bloody oracles. Instead of telling you what has happened they tell you what is going to happen.

“Tomorrow Gordon Brown will announce…etc. etc.”

“David Cameron will tomorrow …und so weiter.”

“In a document to be unveiled tomorrow police will be … blah blah blah.”

“The findings of the (insert appropriate name here) enquiry, to be published tomorrow, will show that X was not responsible… yada yada yada.

Anyway that’s not the point of the post.
But the point of the post starts the same way.

From today’s Telegraph,

“Gordon Brown wil admit for the first time today that he made mistakes that contributed to the financial crisis.”

Well hell! All that posturing and blaming the Americans, we all remember the oft repeated litany that this was a global crisis that started in America.
This started in America.
The crisis started in America…. and so on until we were all heartily sick of it and practically begging on bended knee for Gordon the Terrible to at least shoulder some of the blame.

And now,ahem, with an election just 3 weeks away, for some reason best known to his advisors and spin doctors Gordo says Mea Culpa?

How stupid does he think we are?