Where’s My Effing Owl

Harry Potter had one and so did everybody else at Hogwarts. Earlier today Ed Miliband and The Labour Party promised me one.

“George Osborne can only offer you more austerity, David Cameron has failed to get us a better deal in the EU, but Labour will give everybody an owl, the press release said.

Ed was onto something, Briton’s used to dream of owning a home of their own but now we have discovered the disadvantages of mortgage slavery we understand that it is far more important to the pursuit of happiness to have an owl of our own.

Unfortunately, having raised so many hopes it looks as if Labour will let us down again. Beore making such a rash promise they should have looked into the practicalities of sourcing sixty million owls.

labour owler

Obama’s spin doctor to make boy wizard our Prime Minister

In a move that will be seen as panic or desperation, the Labour Party has appointed Barack Obama’s chief spin doctor David Axelrod to be head of strategy their election campaign. In a move that will be seen as idiotic incompetence and proof Labour are not for for government, the Labour press release spelled his name “Alexrod”.

Labour was left embarrassed after misspelling the name of its new American strategist on the press release heralding his appointment. The party has trumpeted the appointment of David Axelrod, the strategist who masterminded Barack Obama’s two presidential victories in 2008 and 2012.

However, the party revealed the appointment on its website with the headline: “David Alexrod joins the team”.

American media organisations immediately ridiculed the error, suggesting that the error “distilled why [Labour] might need the strategist’s help”.

NBC News described the mistake as “especially embarrassing” for Ed Miliband as he has been parodied “as a bumbling and feckless Mr. Bean-like character”.

Boggart Blog will not stoop so low as to make fun of typos, we aren’t the most meticulous of proof readers ourselves. The question on our minds is how will Axelrod project Ed Miliband as Prime Minister material? Hide his birth certificate and education records? Start rumours that his wife is really a bloke?, persuade him to publicly insult the leaders of our closest allies? Play the race card?

Somehow I can’t see any of that being swallowed by British voters. On the other hand, there is that old rumour that Ed is really Harry Potter. Think about it, have you ever seen the Labour leader and Daniel Radcliffe together?

Potter Milliband
Not a lookalike – Ed Miliband IS Harry Potter

Justice and the juggler’s hat

A great news story for us today. We love the days when real news is crazier than anything we could make up. A dwarf actor named Nicholas Read who has appeared in Star Wars and Harry Potter films has been found guilty of indecent exposure at Leicester Crown Court. He was arrested by transport police who were responding to allegations that while travelling on a train he performed ‘a sex act’ under a jugglers hat.

Many questions arise from this:

How small is this guy?

How big was the juggler’s hat?

Was the juggler wearing the hat at the time?

Did the hat consent?

And the biggie … How could he be exposing himnself if anything that happened took place under the juggler’s hat?

Gary Trotter – Boggart Blog’s alternative boy wizaed

As most of you will know the final Harry Potter film in the series opened this week. If you can’t get tickets to see the show here is the Boggart Blog alternative Boy Wizard, Gary Trotter. In his quest for The Portal Of Pleasure our hero charts a hazardous course from childhood to adultery.

(each file opens in a new window)
Chapter 1 – Gary Trotter and his Magic Wand
Chapter 2 – Gary Trotter and the Chamber of Privacy

Chapter 3 – Gary Trotter and The Forest of Secrets

Chapter 4 – Gary Trotter and the Delta of Venus

Chapter 5 – Gary Trotter and the Spirit of the Shower

Chaper 6 – Gary Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure

Chapter 7 – Gary Trotter – The Phoenix Rises, Again and Again

Labour Will Use Magic To Win The Election

Following the putative conspiracy to remove the Prime Minister as party leaders, Labour is in disarray. No change there then, but who will succeed Gordon Brown if he is forced to resign?

Leading contenders are the Milliband Bros, David and Ed but which would make the best leader? As Harry Hill would say, “Only one way to find out, have a fight.”

It need not come to that however, pictures of the young Millibands released last weekend reveal that

(a) They are clones
(b) They are not who they say the are.

But at least we now know there is no chance of Labour losing the election as long as they have a certain boy wizard on their side to work his magic.

This candid picture reveals the true identity of the future Prime Minister, whichever one of them it is…

Potter Milliband

Now all we need to know is who will be revealed as Voldemort , Dave Cameron or Peter Mandelson.

25 September 2010
Ed Milliband wins Harry Potter lookalike Labour Leader contest

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Missed the Harry Potter opening. Read Boggart Blogs alternative boy wizard

If you could not make it to the opening of the new Harry Potter film, could not afford tickets or simply couldn’t be arsed there is no need to miss out altogether, you can read the adventures of Boggart Blog’s alternative boy wizard in the seven part sage Gary Trotter and the Portal Of Pleasure as it follows the boy wizard, his friends Ron Beesley and the orchidaceous Briony and the rest of the gang at Swinmemoles Academy for Young Wizards as they make the hazardous transition from childish spells and pointed hats to a far more grown up kind of magic.

Presented in seven short and easy to read instalments FGAry Trooter And The Portal Of Pleasure packs many more laughs to the page than J.K. Rowling’s stuff. Follow the links below to reasd each chapter:

Part 1 Gary Trotter and his Magic Wand Gary wishes for a magic wand and finds he had one all the time.

Part 2 : The Chamber Of Privacy Garry’s lack of experience at controlling the Magic Wand he found after his encounter with Slightly Legless Len leads to a problem for him. Fortunately the Head, Rebus Hubmlebore is sympathetic and soon finds a solution.

Part 3 : The Forest Of Mystery Helped by a zealous but stupid elf Garry finds a way to spy on his classmate Briony when he is in the girls shower. What he sees and what he learns from books stolen when he raided an Adult Buggle bookshop with the help of his cloak on inviibility only leave him more confused.

Part 4 : The Delta Of Venus Garry and had best friend Don hae fallen out over Harry’s private bedroom. Anxious to repair the rift Harry shares a magic secret with Don. Don is not as impressed as his friend had hoped however.

Part 5 : Lavender and Dragonmusk Deranged by lust Garry starts to take insane risks to be close to the object of his desire and finds he does not mind being close to classmate Briony either. His cloak of invisibility helps him achieve this aim but is he heading for trouble?

Part 6 : Garry Trotter and The Portal Of Pleasure Garry’s wild adventures under The Cloak Of Invisibility have landed him in a lot of trouble. Briony too risks expulsion from the school. Lust is the strongest of emotions though and they cannot resist sneaking away under the cloak of invisibility to be together. Little do they know their love affair will change their lives.

Part 7 : Garry Trotter and The Orders of The Penis: The poignant climax (oops, pardon!) to our tale as the lovers Garry and Briony find reality is much more magical than childish fantasies of wizards and spells.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

Gary Trotter Mania

The hit rate on my pages at Authors Den this week has gone a bit crazy, thanks to stories I posted a couple of years ago about a Boy Wizard called Gary Trotter. It seems due to the entirely coincidental similarity of the names I am benefiting from Harry Potter mania.

Why not join in by taking a look at Gary Trotter And The Portal Of Pleasure, a tale of mystery, magic and masturbation.

Harry Potter’s Double

In this week of Harry Potter mania don’t forget to read Boggart Blog’s own story of a boy wizard going through adolescence at a mixed sex Boarding School for Witches and Wizards, Gary Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure
Read how our intrepid hero and his chums fight evil, escape the clutches of people who would make them use their powers to do wrong and how Gary discovers the erotic potential of his blaket of invisibility.

title-2417760

As the adventures of schoolboy wizard Harry Potter are in the news over at Machiavelli because some christian classroom assistant objects to the book’s “glorifying witchraft” (shows how much born agains know about witchcraft) it seems like a good day to remind you of Boggart Blog’s own serialisation of a novel about a boy wizard’s rites of passage. Find the first part of KJ Winglor’s novel

Gary Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure by following the link.

Did anyone manage to guess I’m really busy today?

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #5

At last Garry had managed to get Briony alone. “Hi Bri,” he said, blushing deeply, “I – er – I – er – I sneaked into Wiz – Mart yesterday and got you something. Er – some special soap, not that you whiff or anything but – er – but – er – but I know girls like that sort of thing and – er – you take a lot of showers so I thought you would like some magic soap. When you are in the shower you just say blither – blather – let’s have lather and the soap levitates and rubs itself all over you. Smells nice too.”
Briony sniffed the bar of soap that Garry was holding towards her. “Mmm, lavender and dragonmusk, my favourite. Thank you Garry, that’s sweet of you. I’ll use it today, perhaps it will keep the ghost heavy – breather away.”
“The what?”
“There’s a ghost in the girls shower. I can hear him breathing somewhere above me. I’m going to complain to Prof. Philtre.”
“Yeah you should,” Garry mumbled and hurried off.
As the bell rang to signal the end of lessons later that afternoon the boy wizard raced upstairs, changed out of classroom clothes into his swimming shorts and then he put on his cloak of invisibility. Carefully he crept out of his room, down the stairs and along the dormitory corridors to the girls showers. It would have been disastrous to bump into anybody but he made it, let himself into the shower room and just had time to take up position in Briony’s favoured cubicle before she arrived and started to undress. As she took off her shirt and singlet, revealing the pert breasts he could not suppress a gasp of delight. Briony looked upwards , slightly apprehensive as Garry though what a good word “pert” was. He had learned it from one of his muggle books. Muggles had some great names for dirty stuff.
Now Briony was taking off her skirt and panties. At last he had a close up view of the Portal of Pleasure. It was a bit disappointing really, just a triangle of hair. He had expected something so magical to shimmer or change shape or do something though he did not know what.
The naked girl stepped towards him, this was the moment. Garry had a sudden impulse to run away but there could be no getting past Briony without being noticed. Then she turned on the shower, let the warm water run over her for a few seconds and said ” blither – blather – let’s have lather.”
Again Garry wished he had not done this. He hesitated and the wet girl repeated the phrase. Excitement, fear, confusion and a host of other emotions paralysed him for a second.
“Useless soap,” Briony said, reaching out. In a panic Garry grabbed the soap, lifted it and started to rub it on the naked skin that was only inches from him. He soon overcame his nervousness and got more enthusiastic about his task.
“Soap, I don’t think we need quite so much lather there.” The soap moved away from those oh so desirable breasts and a few seconds later moved again in response to “nor down there thank you.”
When all the great masses of bubbles had been rinsed away and Briony had towelled herself dry she looked up at the ceiling again and said, “you’re just getting too forward Mister. I’m going to have you exorcised.”

“A dirty old man ghost?” said Prof Philtre, “are you sure someone was not playing a trick? Ghosts do not generally have a libido, of if they do it is reserved for ladies of negotiable affection who have been dead for several hundred years. Now tell me about this soap Trotter gave you.”
Briony handed over the perfectly ordinary muggle soap and told the teacher how if you said blither – blather – let’s have lather, it levitated and washed you.
“Smells fishy to me,” the professor of potions said.
“That’s probably because it spent too long around you – know – where,” said Briony. “That was what made me suspicious.”
“I think you were right to be suspicious,” the professor said, “but I really do not think the culprit is a randy ghost. Do you mind leaving this with me?”

WILL HARRY BE FOUND OUT AND EXPELLED FROM SWINEMOLES OR WILL HE MANAGE TO TRICK HIS WAY OUT OF ANOTHER DODGY SITUATION. YOU CAN FIND OUT TOMORROW.