Only Three Steps To Heaven … or you can take the lift

“There are only three steps to heaven”, the late, great Eddie Cochran used to sing in the days when I was nicking me dear old Dad’s Brylcreem and trying to comb my hair into a quiff (by the end of the day it had always reverted to the standard schoolby fringe)

In these increasingly idle times we don’t even need to take three steps to heaven, we can just ride in the lift.

Japanese construction company Obayashi wants to build an elevator to space and transport passengers to a station about a tenth the distance to the moon.

The elevator would use super-strong carbon nanotubes in its cables and could be ready as early as 2050, according to Tokyo-based Obayashi.

The cables would stretch some 60,000 miles, about a quarter the distance to the moon, and would be attached to Earth at a spaceport anchored to the ocean floor. The other end would dangle a counterweight in space.

The elevator would zip along at 125 mph, possibly powered by magnetic linear motors, but would take about a week to get to the station. It would carry up to 30 people.
Up above, the space station would have living quarters and lab facilities. Solar panels connected to the station would generate electricity that would be transmitted to the ground.

NASA has also investigated space elevators, awarding $900,000 in 2009 to LaserMotive for developing a laser-powered robotic climber. Aside from the tremendous hurdles for the technology involved. While space elevators could significantly reduce space-related costs compared with rocket launches, the infrastructure could cost tillions to build a report said.

Well that no doubt will have the space freaks cluthching their naughty bits and rocking to and fro in ecstacy but as usual with these ever-so-easy ideas to conquer the laws of nature people have not thought it through properly.

Who would ever want to spend a week in a lift with 29 other people? I have been in some very well appointed lifts, in the Empire State Building, No 1 Canada Square The Kaknäs Tower in Stockholm, and a few others but I don’t recall one with bedrooms, showers and a restaurant. And where would the toilet facilities go?

Would there be separate flushing loos, say one per 4 people, or would space trekkers all have to share the same bucket behind a curtain in the corner?

Forget about the scientists delusional notion of doing experiments in a space laboratory and unravelling the secrets of the universe, a week crammed into a lift with the odours of 30 peoples’ body functions, the protucts of wich are decomposing somewhere very near by would be enough to finish of Bear Grylls let alone a bunch of wussy scientists.

The space lift is one of those ideas that as a mathematical experiment might look fine on paper but as a real world business venture we can’t see it getting off the ground.

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The Senator’s Day Out

A hard day at the office working on video content today so nothing original from me. In the wake of “Super Tuesday” however here is a story an American Friend sent me.

While walking down the street one day a Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Welcome to Heaven” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not quite sure what to do with you.” “No problem says the Senator, just let me in.” “Well, I’d like to says St. Peter, but I have orders from higher up. What we would like for you to do is spend one day in hell and one day in heaven and then you can decide where you would like to spend eternity.” “Really the Senator says, I’ve made up my mind, I’d like to spend it in heaven.” “We’ve got our rules says St. Peter.”
And with that St. Peter escorts the Senator to the elevator and it goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golfcourse. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all of his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in formal attire, they run to greet him to reminesce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf then dine on caviar, lobster, and champagne.
Also present is the devil who really is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before long it is time for the Senator to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell as they watch the elevator rises…The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now its time to visit heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it his 24 hours have ended with St. Peter waiting for him. “You have now spent 24 hours in hell and 24 hours in heaven and now you must choose where you want to spend eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a moment, then he answers “Well, I would have never said it before, I mean heaven is delightful, but I think that I would be better off in hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all of his friends all dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it into black bags, as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over and puts his arm on his shoulder. “I don’t understand stammers the Senator. Yesterday I was here and there was a golfcourse and clubhouse, and we ate lobster, caviar and drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him and smiles, “Yesterday we were campaigning, and today you voted.”

To Hell And Back (Before The Pubs Close)

With religions having such a downer on sex one might think they would be in favour of drink, I mean if you drink enough you are going to be too busy choking on your own vomit to bother about shagging. In spite of that religious leaders continue to promise hell and buggeration to people who like a bevvy. Not so, unfortunately…

Yesterday we brought you news that Dear Old Pope Benny wants us all to be a bit more worried about Hell as we give the impression of having forgotten the wages of sin is death and hell is a real place with real hot, scary flames, real tortures being inflicted by big, brutish guys in gimp masks and the only alcoholic drink available is Supermarket own-brand lager.

Ever eager to jump on any passing bandwagon, other church leaders were quick to put in their two – penn’orth, advancing their claims that as they are all The Only Church That Understands The Message Of The One True God Properly the teachings of their crackpot philosopher are all that stands between us and eternal fire.

Beware of false Gods and false Hells.

The Church of England posits that rather than being a blazing inferno of eternal tortures, it is in fact a cold, dark, lonely place. Sounds a bit like Accrington on a Sunday afternoon.

Muslims who qualify for Hell, according to Sheikh Ibrahim Mogra from Leicester (a member of the Muslim Council of Britain) will burn in fire but will experience deepening levels of pain according to the degree of their sin. Some will be constantly bitten by snakes and Scorpions while others will be made to drink boiling water or pus. He is not clear whether the pus is boiling or served at room temperature.

Taoism and Buddhism are quite a surprise for such touchy – feely religions; well I suppose they did not want to feel left out. Apparently they provide 18 different chambers for different sizes of sin. Gossips will have tongues ripped out, hypocrites and tomb robbers (don’t quite see the connection but there we go) will be dishonourably disembowelled, pimps will be dismembered and blasphemers will be skinned. No mention of what happens to murderers, thieves and people who voted for Tony Blair.

The Hindus however believe that in between incarnations the spirit will live in a heaven of its own making. Well that would do for me, you die, live in a place of your own making for a bit and with any luck you can be back before the pubs close.