Ultimate Fails Compilation

What a depressing day. George Osborne’s budget (what an inspiring speaker that man isn’t, and then Manchester United exit from the Champions League later, not that I care much but it means there will be eff all else on television. Football for the peak two hours followed by edited highlights of football later.

Still we British always have our stiff upper lip that enables us to soldier on the the face of adversity, our famous sense of humour and thanks to our Germanic ancestry, our love of Shadenfreude. Yes we shamelessly enjoy the misfortune of others. And why not?

Let’s declare today National Schadenfreude Day and celebrate it with this compilation of epic fails:

It’s worth watching all the way through.

440 pound virgin loses cherry, sends girlfriend to A & E

From our Only In America desk:

TLC is a USA Cable reality TV Channel which claims to “Open doors on extraordinry lives”. Early in 2014 TLC is launching a show called, “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. According to the New York Post the first episode will feature the story of 21-year-old virgin Gregg Casarona and his girlfriend. Whether the fact that Gregg tipped the scales at 440 pounds (almost 32 stone) had anything to do with hi being a virgin we could not say.

When Casarona looked up from the faily sized pizza he was eating one day to see that his girlfriend has stripped down to bra and panties and was waiting for him on the bed he naturally thought he had got lucky. After a little bit of kissing and touching Gregg decided it was time to go for the jackpot. He lunged forward intending to thrust his penis into a vagina for the first time but his bulk generated so much kinetic energy, his girlfriend, Jen Gerakaris, who only weighed 110 pounds, flew backwards and smashed her head against the wall.

“My initial reaction was, ‘I killed her’, he told TLC. I thought “This is my first time. And Jen is dead.”

After realizing what happened, and seeing the fear in her boyfriend’s eyes, Gerakaris decided to lighten the mood by asking, “Why’d you stop?”

“I knew he was a virgin and I honestly didn’t care. We were dating for a little while and he hadn’t put any moves on met yet so I made a move.” 22-year-old told a reporter. She was clearly impressed with his enthusiasm so perhaps she will stick around to help him work on technique.

Later Jen complained of dizziness, so Gregg took her to the local A & E. where she was treated with concussion.

If Gregg had been a bit more experience he might have though it was a good idea to use a bit of surplus lard as a lubricant.

Do These People Really Have Superpowers?

Just to lighten things up after a few heavy days in which we have been kept busy fighting off the attempts of lefties to abolish fun and criminalise free speech, here’s something to make you smile.

Do the seventeen people in these video clips really have super powers or are they just nutters who can do one trick and are determined to milk it for their fifteen minutes of fame?

Yes, I can hear the bansturbators now, throwing hissy fits about there being no such thing as Super Heroes.

Follow the link and in particular watch, well all of them. One or two are a tad boring but they only highlight the brilliance of the others.

From College Humor via Stumble Upon

17 People We are 99 per cent Sure Have Superpowers

MORE FROM THE GREENTEETH STABLE

Boggart AbroadDaily Stirrer homeBoggart-Eft at Blogster Greenteeth BitesBoggart BlogGreenteeth LabyrinthIan at WikinutAuthorTold By An IdiotGatherBubblewsAuthorsdenScribdLittle Nicky Machiavelli
Ian Thorpe at Facebook


By TwitterButtons.net

Take one footballer, add one sat nav and stir in one Porsche.

The result is all to predictable.
In the past we have gleefully reported the disasters that occur when a person brainwashed with the idea that science is divine and technology infallible cedes responsibility to a sat nav system. The classic case was Sat Nav Suzy From The Isle Of Skye who set out from Scotland for the ferry port at Hull on the east coast and ended up in a sheep pasture in west Wales.

“Didn’t you see the funny place names on signposts and think something was wrong?” we asked her.

“Yes but the sat nav said keep going that way,” she replied. Sat Nav Suzie’s story makes today’s news report all the more believable.

Footballers are not noted for being at the front of the queue when brains were handed out though it is unfair to dismiss them all as stupid, they are not all Super Mario Balotelli. On the other hand Balotelli is not the only total dickhead to have disgraced the Premiership in recent years.

It would be off topic to mention Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney’s wold adventures in oral sex with a granny prostitue (fourth paragraph from end of this report)because it is quite normal for young men to get their face into a Nan* after a few beers on a Friday night – but I mention it anyway because it’s a good line and now Balotelli has returned to Italy we need to identify a few contenders for the “craziest footballer title.

One must surely be Liverpool’s Andre Wisdom whose slavish deference to technology and his sat navs judgement shows he has a long way to go to live up to his name. And as long as he relies on his sat nav rather than his eyes, ears and common sense he is not going to progress far.

The Premier League defender had to abandon his £100,000 Porsche no a muddy dirt track after his sat nav system took him off road.

Wisdom, the England U21 captain, followed the robotic voice as it directed him into a forest park last Friday night. him walking three miles to a main road after his car ended up getting stuck in the mud.

He is currently on loan at Derby County and was on his way to their home game with Sheffield Wednesday at the weekend when the incident occurred.

A Derby County spokesman said: “Andre visited a local shop on the way to Saturday’s game against Sheffield Wednesday and, being new and unfamiliar to the area, he programmed the stadium’s postcode into his Sat Nav.

He added: “The route provided took him down a less than traditional road, where conditions were also poor, and ultimately his car got stuck.”

When we remember he had three miles to walk back to the main road you might well ask why the fuck did his own common sense not alert him to the fact that something wasn’t right. I mean, how thick do you have to be to get in this deep …

porsche-sat-navved
Lost in the woods

… before you notice the surroundings don’t look like inner city Sheffield.

The abandoned Porsche Panamera Turbo, worth £100,000, was found by local mountain biker Pete Irons who informed the police. Irons told reporters he was shocked to think a sports car had got so far in conditions that would have challenged a Land Rover.

He said: “To get to that point he would have to have come through an equally muddy section. It was miles from the road, I have no idea what he was thinking to keep going so far.

Well thinking is probably not the right word, after all he is a footballer.

We predict the chant that will be echoing around stadiums where Wisdom is playing for the est of this season might go something like this:

Andre Wisdom, Andre Wisdom,
Andre Wisdom where’s your Porsche.

*for non British readers, a naan is a flatbread originally from the Indian subcontinent, often eaten with curry fter a lads night out. Nan is slang for Grandmother.

RELATED POSTS:
Sat Nav can’t see the wood for the trees
Another Stupid Sat Nav Story
When driving on sat nav remember the country code

Aliens Are Real Says Former Canadian Defence Minister

I have a couple of bones to pick with those of you who have sneered when I post blogs about aliens. First, WTF do you think you are doing bringing your sense of humour by – pass to Boggart Blog?

Second who do you think your are to be contradicting such an august personage as the former Canadian defence minister?

Canada’s former minister of National Defence Paul Hellyer testified at the Citizen Hearing On Disclosure (CHD) last month in Washington D.C. that aliens are living among us and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government.

Hellyer, whose beliefs on extraterrestrial life and UFOs are well established, made the statements at the non-governmental hearings chaired by six former U.S. congressmen and aimed at, according to the event’s website, doing “what the U.S. Congress had failed to do for forty-five years — [sic] seek out the facts surrounding the most important issue of this or any other time — [sic] evidence pointing toward an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.”‘

See Hellyer’s evidence to US Congress: Paul Hellyer, Former Canadian Defence Minister, says Extraterrestrial Visits Are Real (Huffington Post video)

What has David Icke been telling you for decades while you doubters ridiculed him as a nutter in a turquoise shell suit?

Canada is not the only nation that has high ranking government officials who associate with aliens. It is rumoured there was an alien female in Silvio Berlusconi’s Italian government. The lady denies being an extra terrestrial but shows (below) her qualifications to work with Berlusconi

 

The image embedding tool is not working, you’ll have to make do with a link.

berlusconi's minister for dairy farmingSilvio Berlusconi’s Minister for dairy farming

RELATED POSTS:
Quantum Metaphysics or The God Experiments
Alien Life: Who needs lizard men when there is a universe of ideas out there?

Brazilian Pastor Arrested For Convincing Followers His Penis Contained Holy Milk

Brazilian Evangelical Christian Pastor Valdeci Sobrino Picanto has been arrested after convincing followers of his ‘mission’ that his penis contained holy milk.,

“He has been arrested after deceiving the faithful into believing these foolish lies by using the name of the Holy Spirit”, one of his victims told Brazilian prosecutors .

The criminal pastor claimed that the Holy Spirit would secrete from his penis in the form of “sacred milk”. This pastor said that his penis was blessed and that “the Lord had consecrated him with divine milk of the Holy Spirit” and, of course, he had to release into the mouths of those seeking his blessing in order for them to receive the Holy Spirit and be saved.

The same witness told the Brazilian Press “He convinced us that God could only enter our bodies through our mouths which is why we would do what he asked. Often after worship Pastor Valdeci would take us to where the finds are kept as the back of the church and tell us to have oral sex with him until the Holy Spirit came.”

The pastor is now in jail, he said after being sentenced he intends to continue spreading the Holy Spirit via his sacred milk among other inmates.

You just couldn’t make this stuff up.

More on this story

It’s Good To Know Some Things Never Change

(Voice over man voice : “It was a time of change, it was a time of uncertainty. It was a time of uncertainty and change.”)

In such uncertain times it is comforting to know that some thing do not change – like adolescent humour.

KSHB.Com News an NBC affiliate in the US state of Missouri today reported one of the most audacious and sophomoronic high school pranks ever. Kaitlyn Booth, 17, a Hickman High school student (Columbia, Mo.) was arrested earlier this month after she changed a classmate’s name in the school yearbook from Raigan Mastain to Raigan Masturbate.

According to the Huffington Post News, no charges have been pressed but the case is under prosecutor review. Booth could still find herself in court for criminal damage and felony charges. Apparently, Mastain wasn’t too disturbed by the prank. She said the stunt was more about immaturity than malice.

The school isn’t taking the prank as lightly as Mastain. Not only did Booth ruin the school’s 100th anniversary yearbook, it would have cost the $41,000 for a full reprint. Unable to afford that, the school had to ask staff to spend a few happy hours sticking stickers over Mastain’s name.

The school managers fear applications for places will be down next year. After all, what kind of parents want their kids to be educated among a bunch of wankers like that.

RELATED POSTS:
And the other thing that never changes is elitist shits.
The Most Secretive And Oppressive regime In The Modern World
Time For The New World Order Says U.S. Elder Statesman
What Happened To The Idea Of Financiasl Privacy

Your Baby Has gone down the plug hole

On hearing the story from china this morning of a new born baby who slipped down a drainpipe (kudos to the team that rescued the child) I was reminded of a song we used to sing at school and on boozy dos when I was slightly older.

YOUR BABY HAS GONE DOWN THE PLUGHOLE (A MOTHER’S LAMENT)
(Writer Unknown – London Music Hall Song))

This version: Martin Carthy – 1964

A mother was bathin’ her baby one night
The youngest of ten, a poor little mite
The mother was fat and the baby was fin
T’was nawt but a skellington wrapped up in skin

The mother turned round for the soap from the rack
She weren’t gone a minute, but when she got back
Her baby had gone, and in anguish she cried
“Oh, where is my baby?”, and the angels replied

Your baby has gorn dahn the plug’ole
Your baby has gorn dahn the plug
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin
He shoulda been bathed in a jug

Your baby is perfik’ly happy
He won’t need no bathin’ no more
He’s workin’ his way through the sewers
Not lost, just gone on before

Your baby has gorn dahn the drainpipe
And the chlorine is bad for his eyes
He’s havin’ a swim, and it’s healthy for him
He needed the exercise

Don’t worry ‘baht ‘im, just be ‘appy
For I know he is suff’rin’ no pain
Your baby has gorn dahn the plug’ole
Let’s hope he don’t stop up the drain

ALTERNATE VERSE:

Your baby is perfik’ly ‘appy
He won’t need a bath any more
He’s muckin’ abaht with the angels above
Not lost but gone before

Football News: The great Di Stefano has scored again

OK, most of you are too young to remember Alefredo Di Stefano, midfield general of the all conquering Real Madrid side in the 1950s, he’s 86 now. In spite of his advanced age Di Stefano has scored again.

What? Is he still playing? You might well ask.

Well no, the Argentinian who played for Madrid in five successive European Cup finals (they didn’t do The Champions League then) from 1956 to 1960, scoring in each, has not graced a football field for half a century.

He has scored in an entirely different sense, the old goat is getting married to 36 year old Gina Gonzalez. Miss Gonzalez, a dark eyed, raven haired Costa Rican beauty (well OK that may be a tad hyperbolic but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting).

Asked what his children from his previous marriage thought of the upcoming nuptials Di Stefano, now honorary chairman of Real, replied “Who cares what they think, life is a game of two halves.”

Commenting on the age difference Gina said, “It was his sense of humour that won me over, he has a young heart.”

Nothing to do with his rather large fortune then? And we’re not sure about the young heart bit, these days Alfredo is only seen in public in a wheelchair.

We wish Alfredo and his bride to be well for the future and are now off to see the Boggart Blog bookie and check the odds on the old boy making 87.

Di Stefano

Alfedo Di Stefano and Gina Gonzales

MORE FROM THE GREENTEETH STABLE

Boggart AbroadDaily Stirrer homeGreenteeth BitesBoggart BlogGreenteeth LabyrinthAuthorGatherBubblewsAuthorsdenScribd
Ian Thorpe at Facebook

How Not To Die

Death comes to us all, but to some more interestingly than others. Roger McGough famously wrote a poem titled Let Me Die A young Man’s Death, cataloguing the interesting ways he would like to die.

Reality always surpasses our imaginings however and here are the 20 weirdest ways to die, according to someone who takes these things seriously.

Despite our best efforts, Death, in all its myriad and weird forms, is constantly lurking around the corner. But who knew a toothpick could be so dangerous? Or that one’s trademark scarf, draped so dramatically around your neck, could be conspiring to kill you?

Here, adding to the list of things one should worry about — cellphones causing cancer, the probability of a car accident, the potential for being struck by lightning whilst enjoying a game of pick-up soccer on an unfortunately situated field — is a long list of the strange deaths of interesting people. Take heed and keep an eye on those toothpicks.

1. King Adolf Frederick of Sweden ate himself to death in 1771: His last meal included lobster, caviar, cabbage, smoked herring, and Champagne, followed up by 14 servings of his favorite dessert, semla in hot milk.

2. Allan Pinkerton, founder of the Pinkerton detective agency, died from an infection incurred after he bit his tongue.

jack-d.jpg3. Jack Daniel, purveyor of fine whiskey, died from an infection sustained after kicking his safe and busting his toe.

4. Isadora Duncan, an early 20th century modern dancer, was killed by her trademark scarf while riding in a convertible car. The long scarf blew back and wrapped around a tire axel, breaking Duncan’s neck.

5. Vic Morrow, lead actor from the television series Combat!, was decapitated by a helicopter blade during a stunt for The Twilight Zone: The Movie gone way bad. Two Vietnamese children also died in the accident, prompting the film industry to institute stricter child labor laws.

6. Tycho Brahe, 16th century Danish nobleman and astronomer, supposedly died of a bladder infection after holding it way, way too long during a banquet. Good story, but not true: A 1996 report showed that though Brahe did become ill after the banquet with symptoms similar to a bladder infection, he actually died of mercury poisoning. Brahe and his assistants frequently used mercury in alchemical experiments, however, how the mercury got into his system in such a concentrated dose remains a mystery.

7. Tennessee Williams, longtime alcoholic and author of some of the most enduringly bleak plays of the 20th century, choked on an eyedropper bottle cap in 1983.

8. Sherwood Anderson, author of Winesburg, Ohio, died of peritonitis – an infection of the lining of his stomach, suffered after he swallowed part of a toothpick.

9. Norman “Chubby” Chaney, one of the original Little Rascals, died as a result of a glandular disorder at the age of 21. Evidently, what made him a popular character on the show – his weight, which at one point topped 300 pounds on his 4-foot 7-inch frame – was actually contributing to his death.

10. Attila the Hun died of a nosebleed on his wedding night – he passed out drunk and drowned in his own blood,

11. Sir Francis Bacon died after trying to preserve a chicken in snow; the famous scientist contracted pneumonia after the successful experiment and died a few months later.

12. Aeschylus, Greek playwright, died after an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. The tortoise reportedly lived.

13. Chrysippus, Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after getting his donkey drunk and watching it attempt to eat figs.

14. A bug allegedly flew into Roman emperor Titus’s nose and, for the next seven years, happily ate at his brain. According to the Babylonian Talmud, it was the size of a bird when he died.

keithcolor.jpg15. Keith Relf of the Yardbirds was electrocuted by his own electric guitar.

16. According to the book 5 People Who Died During Sex and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists by Karl Shaw, Emperor Claudius of Rome choked on a feather he’d been using to induce vomiting during a banquet in 54 AD. Other historians say he was poisoned by his wife, Agrippina.

17. Playwright Christopher Marlowe, who was perhaps better known in his day than even contemporary Shakespeare, died in 1593 after a fatal argument in a tavern over a bill – he was stabbed in the eye.

18. King Henry I died in 1135 of food poisoning after overdosing on lampreys, a parasitic eel-like marine animal popular in British cuisine during the Middle Ages. Because he died while in France, his remains were sewn into the hide of a bull and shipped back to England for burial.

19. Bobby Leach cheated death when he made the historic (and historically stupid) trip over Niagara Falls in a barrel, the second person to do so, but he wasn’t so lucky on dry land. The stuntman slipped on an orange peel and fractured his leg – which then became infected. Despite the amputation of the gangrenous limb, Leach still died only two months later.

20. Draco, Greek lawmaker whose stringent legal code gave rise to the word “draconian,” died somewhere in the 7th century BCE, supposedly after particularly masterful speech: He suffocated under the mounds of hats and cloaks thrown upon him by admiring Greeks, as a show of appreciation.